Hey Khamanna,
Thank you for your review. I appreciate you took the time first time round, and with upmost respect, I wasn't really expecting a follow up so this comes as a pleasant surprise. To read and review a complete strangers script with no guarantee of a reply or acknowledgment is an incredibly kind gesture. I do intend to return the favour, just let me know when you've got something you'd like to share.
I am knee deep in a couple of other scripts at the moment and would like to finish them off before I tackle a review but I would like to think I'll be around for a while so I hope there's no rush.
Back to TDW.
I'm leaving it for a while. I have a few ideas to play around with. One idea was to go down the
Psycho II route, but then I realized I was treading a too similar path. The problem really lies ( or is that lays?) with the premise. It was always going to be a hard sell due to how obvious everything is.
I think to have everyone except Karen seemingly involved in a devil worshipping cult of some sort, all related to the opening murder, would be the best way to go. Ultimately try and push that as far as possible. Onto your helpful notes:
Quoted Text P33 �My brother offered me an opportunity to work for him in Dubai� rephrase �My brother offered me a position in Dubai. Otherwise there�s an opportunity to work in Dubai, but offering an opportunity doesn�t ring right. |
Yes, you're right. Thanks.
Quoted Text P34 � a lot of orphans on this page. They never bother me, I wouldn�t even know what an orphan is� but most people complain when they see one in my texts. So I decided to let you know� |
Same, they don't really bother me too much but... three orphans. Probably three more than necessary. They will be vanquished as will...
Quoted Text P35 � Their talk doesn�t sound natural to me. Her lines sound too melodramatic. Especially the first part �To be found.. alone� I think by now I should know what really happened to Karen and not just from the logline. Now it wouldn�t be good place to give us some details. |
... the majority of this scene. I agree with you. It's over the top and all a bit soap opera dramatic. I'd like to think this scene more as a place holder. I wanted to deliver exposition but not reveal the truth. The thing is, it's obvious what Karen did. To try and string the audience along by concealing them from the truth - yet the characters know what happened - is just not likely to go down well. It should be the other way around. Just to ask: Did you mean it would be a good place to spill some details or it wouldn't be?
Quoted Text P37 She lies � typo here P41 your not you�re - typo |
Thanks for these.
Quoted Text P41 a bit of exposition here. Especially for someone with a secret. �We can�t let anyone get in our way. We can�t let that to happen� �It�s us against them� � think you should cut it. Or rephrase maybe. |
Noted.
Quoted Text P51 � Wouldn�t it be good to show Jill listen to Karen�s phone conversation with Bill? Would add up to suspense. Not to the whole thing � maybe just overhear Ben say �they are devil worshippers�. |
I do like the idea, but I wouldn't want to use it twice as I used this idea a bit later on. As of now, both parents are out at work. Karen's losing it. The phone call pushes her further over the edge.
Quoted Text P65 � there�s no transition here to the flashback. I wish there was. Like earlier, when she got into a shed she started traumatic dream sequences. That fit nicely into the story. But this one here is kidn of out of context. |
Yeah, I see what you mean. I was aiming for reflection - could have had her slump in a sullen state in the shed and then bring her back in similar poise in the flashback. Food for thought.
Quoted Text P 68. Seemingly typo � The doors unblock. |
Thanks. Bit of an awkward line here to be honest.
Quoted Text P76 � Karens dialog at the bottom is a bit clich�. Could she start with an example may be. What does she want Richard to do? Look after a baby. Baby lies in soiled diapers, Richard does nothing� |
Understood. However, I didn't want to give her the
slightest reason for her outburst. Richard's a competent father. Karen has bouts of rage, likely to explode at any moment due to her severe antenatal depression.
Quoted Text I really liked the middle part, where we start doubting her parents. I wish there was more of that. Maybe add Ben as well, let us worry about him being in alliance with her parents or something. |
Thanks. The whole idea is set around paranoia, what's real and what's not, did this happen or did it actually happen like it appeared... I would like to make that more of the central theme. By including Ben and the parents, as you suggested, and perhaps a few oddball townsfolk, I'd like to think there might be a tight, tense little tale to be told. This also adheres to a lower budget, which I admit was part of the original plan.
Quoted Text In my opinion this flashback comes way too late in the story. Maybe you better show Richard and Karen much earlier but up to the moment where she stabs him. |
I was thinking of replacing a few of the (many) earlier dream sequences with quick shots of her replaying the incident in her head, building up to the full flashback which comes towards the end. I'd like to have Richard drift around a lot earlier in the script, it could make for some interesting sequences especially when Karen and Ben are in the same scene.
Quoted Text I�m not sure I like the ending. I don�t understand why she killed herself at the end. I also didn�t understand where she was � as she was in a a shed when Ben and Doctor came, but apparently she was in the house fighting her parents. |
Definitely plan on changing the ending. The "monster" at the end -- hmm. I'll try to explain. I think you already know what happened, but this is probably more beneficial for me to write it out :)
Karen killing the monster is what she
sees. In reality, she's not stabbing the creature but stabbing
herself. The house is not collapsing; Richard was never there; it's all part of her warped mind.
Now, she ends up in the basement, but regarding where she was when Ben and Doctor arrived... could go two ways.
1) She killed her parents. Hid in the shed. Watched Doctor arrive. Ran back in the house. Killed Doctor. Ran back to shed. Watched Ben arrive. Killed Ben. Ran back to shed. Then she had her mini-meltdown and passed out.
When she awoke, what she saw - Doctor and Ben arriving - was actually all in her mind. A way of dealing with what she had done, passing blame to something else. When she cuts her palm on a crucifix in the shed, her hand is not actually bleeding from a cut. It's already blood covered from the massacre. Same when she reenters the house and slips on the blood covered floor, except now her guilt is expanding. The demonic voice she hears is her own conscience, telling her to get the heck out you're gonna be in some serious trouble.
2) She killed everyone, hid in the shed, passed out. When she woke...
Yeah, it's asking a lot for readers to come to
those conclusions. So I will be sure to come up with something much more clear cut.
Quoted Text The whole thing suddenly picked up towards the end and went way to fast and gory. I think you skipped too much and presented all that in a series of flashbacks. That feels almost like cheating. This was a psychological thriller at the beginning � almost up to p 76. Then it turned into a gory horror. I�d prefer you to take things slow. |
I agree with you, I think on reflection this script was as confused as Karen. I wanted to write a slow building but simple haunted house/ creature feature script. I had concerns over being able to maintain suspense until the end - or keeping reader interest - so fell foul of including various genre tropes.
That said, I'm quite content with this as a first draft. The rush of flashbacks and increase in pace were meant to give a frenzied feel to reflect Sarah's state but I can understand - and share - the feeling the execution was poorly delivered.
Quoted Text I think you could make us suspect Ben as we do suspect her parents in strange activities. Make Ben call her parents. Tell them �she knows� or something. Then Ben comes. Let them put up a fight, otherwise it�s way too easy. The part where we learn she�s the evil in the story � make it shine. Make us cheer for her when she kills her Dad at first maybe. And only then learn that she�s nuts. |
This is a good idea. I'm definitely going to rewrite the ending. I know
House Of The Devil gets a lot of hate, but I'm a fan of that movie. I'd like to replicate some of that film's tension. In a way, I see this script as the role reversal of that film.
Quoted Text So, overall � a bit more texture and faster pace for the first part. Slower pace and more of a thrilling psychological stuff in the third part please.
The middle is great. Otherwise I really enjoyed the read. I cared about Karen and stuff that�s been happening to her � that�s really important. |
Thank you Khamanna for your review and your comments. They are incredibly helpful.