Raindrops by Paul Carver - Short, Crime - A young couple getting ready for bed in their home start to experience strange occurrences. 4 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Paul,

Some thoughts, offered constructively but ultimately just my opinion.

Screenplay formatting
1) You dont need to repeat the Victorian house but, it;s in the slugline so need to repeat it.
2) For a spec script, it's better not to include camera shots, angles and movements - directors like to figure those things out themselves (if you are planning to direct this yourself then please ignore this one).
3) You also don't need Cut To, used to be common but now transition between scenes is shown by the new slugline.
4) Try and keep everything you do active rather than passive, so remove We see's and things like that.
5) Think about your action lines and their contruction, they should be quick and fluid, not every detail needs mentioning and remember to make it all active.
An example
They begin to ready their bed. Lori lays down and gets under
the covers. Daniel turns out the lights to the room and
walks over to the bed. Just as he sits down into bed, a
piano is heard starting to play. Lori sits up, worried. Dan,
caught off guard, looks to her.

could be written as

Lori gets into bed and snuggles under the covers.
Daniel turns the lights off and moves to join her when a PIANO strikes up.

6) Fade Out is right aligned.

Story itself
Feels a little like Paranormal Activity, so I'd be careful to not be too derivative.
Loved the reveal that Raindrops isn't in her CD collection - that was clever.
Then just when you'd got my attention it stopped! Is this meant to be the first few pages of something longer?

So overall, some format tidying required but that can be fixed... but some promise here, keep on with it.

Anthony

Hey paul,

Pretty much everything Anthony mentioned, I second.

One thing I would consider changing is the slug name.

Give the couple a last name and perhaps use it instead.

Daniel and Lori SMITH.

Then you can use something more personal like -

INT. SMITH HOME - DAY

IMO it feels more personal...


    LORI
*whispers* Go on!

Needs to be --

   LORI
(whispers)
  Go on!

Also,

This reads a little off--

A broken window is found in the living room.

--------

It could read a little differently as well. Maybe--

The living room floor is covered with shattered glass from a broken window.

These are small things that popped up while I was reading.

Other than that, no complaints here. The story was good. It just could use a little tightening up.

Take care,

Shawn.....><