The Way The Wind Blows by Simon (forgive) - Short, Drama - A man struggles to adjust to changing times. - pdf, format 8)

Simon,

A decent effort here but I had trouble following the story line as too many characters gave it a muddled feel for me. But then again I'm a little out of it so maybe the fault is mine. However, I did enjoy the exchanges between Penny and Frank, who I felt were the driving forces behind this story.

I guess what bothered me is I didn't feel any real connection to any of the other characters here, and I kinda lost focus with them.

Am I right in saying that Penny was getting some sort of eviction notice? Or some other sort of bad news? Perhaps that's why she now had to focus on the online end of her shop.

I liked your ending but I felt it was lacking punch. I know this is not the kind of piece for that, but what I mean is that I feel we need more insight into Penny's character so we can rejoice in her finding someone like Frank, who seems to be more than just a worker, but a friend and possibly a lover.

Is this a first draft? There were several careless typos that led me to believe that. This could use a good cleaning up, and perhaps a trim. It became a bit muddled for me and I wasnt really able to latch on to anyone other than Frank and Penny.

All the best going forward.

Steve

Simon,

Okay, so I read it again. It was eating at me that I couldn't figure things out but now I do. :)

A sad little tale really. I liked Taj's meat cleaver, and coming into Rafe and Oliver's office. A brief scare, yes, but I guess Taj knows his time will eventually be up as well.

I did like it. A lot. I think the virtual world, in a sense, foreshadows things to come with Frank and Penny--a new world, people move on.

Not much action and nothing real flashy here, but a good piece that makes you think and had a sort of melancholy effect on me. Nicely done, really. Just needs a sprucing up. The dialogue is good, but it could use a trim as well. Some of your sentences could be a bit shorter and more to the point, without losing the effect of the characters personalities.

Steve

This one was an unusual surprise.   Normally I don't go for British comedy, but gotta say I enjoyed the back and forth banter between Frank and Taj.  Funny.  Smart.  Kinda heartfelt.  I related to Frank's plight.  I could see this concept as a weekly half hour sitcom.

It was nice to see Frank and Penny hit it off in the end.  

You've got a weird space between "Frank thinks  for a moment" page 12, and it could use a better title, IMO.  Maybe "Green Planet"?  I dunno.  Whatever.

Best of luck with it.

Quoted from SAC I liked your ending but I felt it was lacking punch. ... Is this a first draft? Steve

Hey Steve - thanks for the read (oddly enough, I just read your 'Combination'). Yeah - this was something that I wrote for a director a couple of months ago, but we never got round to finishing it, so it never really got the end thought out properly. I posted it up to see if I could get any ideas on it - it's not really something I would write naturally.

It is a very Brit type thing so kinda slow in a lot of ways - I liked the idea of them developing the relationship, but wasn't too sure it I wanted to be too clear that they're 'together' or just bonded more in a world where maybe people don't bond so well?

Quoted from CalebHart You've got a weird space between "Frank thinks  for a moment" page 12, and it could use a better title, IMO.  Maybe "Green Planet"?

Hey Caleb - thanks for the read - you spotted  a weird space - you must have eyes like a hawk:):) I'll take it out ASAP.

Yeah, on the title, that was given, and it probably isn't the best - I'll think over what else would work. Thanks for your positive words, though :)

My initial impression is that there are a number of things I like here, but it feels a bit unfocused.

I like the theme you’re dealing with. The transition from a real world, “face-to-face” way of doing things to something less personalized.

I like Taj appearing in Oliver’s office with a bloody meat cleaver (thought that scene should’ve played straight through, without the intercut.)

And finally I like Frank and Penny’s interactions together, especially toward the end.

It seems like this is ultimately a story about Frank, Penny and their opposing ways of responding to change. Their coupling at the end seems to be a metaphor for appreciating the past, while also being willing to move forward into the future, but I think it could be better defined.

Perhaps Frank could reveal that he used to own the shop before Penny gets the eviction notice. This would allow them to discuss whether the same fate is in store for her, which could frame their viewpoints and allow for some (friendly) conflict. Eventually Frank would be proven right except, Penny’s online shop keeps the physical store afloat, which is something Frank couldn’t do when it was his. So in the end, they’re able to use the future to save a piece of the past, and that’s the context of their relationship as well.

I’m not sure the stuff with Oliver and Rafe is needed. It’s not bad, but it doesn’t really elevate Oliver from ‘guy who jacks the rates up’. Taj’s scene might actually play better if Oliver is the type of guy who can’t be easily reached. People write him, people call him, no one really gets to confront him… until Taj enters with a meat cleaver  :)

And finally I was curious what became of Taj at the end. It sounded like he was out on his butt too, unless he has an online butcher shop.

All in all I liked it. Some all tightening and some sharpening and it could be good to go.

Good luck with it.
Eric

Hi Simon,

I like the script and the subject you have written about.

I particularly like Frank and the way he hasn't adapted to the world around him, but I feel he should maybe share a story from his past or like Eric mentioned, him owning the shop once upon a time?
I already feel sorry for Frank but a past story may push us over the edge to make us look at Oliver and Fafe come across even worse than they already do.

I like how you have kept Oliver's dialogue short and sharp, like he struggles to find words to talk to people other than his brother. For example when he gives notice to Penny.
People do not talk to each other face to face anymore, they would rather write it in an email or send a text. Maybe they should use technology instead of a written letter, not having the guts to tell them the rates are going up to their face with be more insulting in my book.

Also Oliver and Fafe come across as a bit male chauvinistic, maybe a humiliating slap from Penny would be satisfying revenge over the matter. A bit of "keep your shop you a**holes, I don't need it?"

Just a thought.

But nonetheless a thumbs up.

Lee

I quite liked this until the end... there isn't an end. What happened to the two rich idiots? They should have got some type of comeuppance. I got into the story, thought I knew the direction it was going in and then it just ends with some stuck-on romantic bit that hardly fits...

16 pages for no pay off is a bit of a let down.

To be honest, I don't really know what to make of it. I'm fine with things ending without  closure but here... I kind of wasn't. The substance of the story felt like it had depth, yet I felt that the narrative was lacking. I think you can make the main character's hate toward "the online world" a bit more subtle. He doesn't have to say it, maybe you can just imply it. I don't know.

Your writing was good, the story was shaping, for 16 pages I thought the characters had depth.

Simon,

characters felt well drawn given the short space and even though I’m not entirely sure where the story leaves us, it does have a certain charm.  I can’t help but wonder if it should be Frank and not Taj who gets ‘one up’ on the Querty brothers.  It’s his story -- and more-so his bone to pick for the way they treated him (if I’ve read this right).  

I like where you’re going with it, think the focus could be with Frank a touch more.

Steve.

Sorry for the late reply...

Quoted from EWall433 ... but it feels a bit unfocused.

Yeah - I can see how you say this - there wasn’t a clear external goal, and Frank’s feeling of being ‘lost’ and his sense of loss can make him seem vague, but he does know what he wants (to fill the void when he lost the shop), so it’s more a case of him slowly being nursed back to health rather than an nice clear objective being acheived.

Quoted from EWall433 Perhaps Frank could reveal that he used to own the shop before Penny gets the eviction notice.

I chewed this one over quite a bit, and I’m not sure to be honest. I guess I felt that they needed to develop a bit of a relationship before hand. I’ll chew it over some more.

Quoted from EWall433 I’m not sure the stuff with Oliver and Rafe is needed

Well, I think it’s impossible to get the back-ground elements bang on - someone will always say ‘a little too much’ or ‘a little less’. :)

Thanks for the read!

Quoted from LeeOConnor him owning the shop once upon a time?

Thanks for the read Lee - yeah Frank did own the shop once upon a time and suffered the same fate that Penny/Taj are due to face.

Quoted from DustinBowcot I quite liked this until the end... there isn't an end. What happened to the two rich idiots? They should have got some type of comeuppance. I got into the story, thought I knew the direction it was going in and then it just ends with some stuck-on romantic bit that hardly fits... 16 pages for no pay off is a bit of a let down.

Hi Dustin - thanks for the read. Yeah, the end was the concern. I felt the landlords did get their relative comeuppance in that they are exposed as cowards, and I felt that was enough without distracting from the story too much - IMO. Re. The romantic bit - that was suggested, yes, but both share similarities and differences, and Penny is clearly concerned for Frank, so I saw it as a developing relationship - but we all have our own takes on that kinda thing :)

Quoted from Demento To be honest, I don't really know what to make of it. I'm fine with things ending without closure but here... I kind of wasn't. The substance of the story felt like it had depth, yet I felt that the narrative was lacking. I think you can make the main character's hate toward "the online world" a bit more subtle.

Thanks for the read. I get what you’re saying, but I think Frank is a nuts’n’bolts kind of person - old fashioned and likes to call a spade a spade, so I’m not sure that subtlety would be in keeping with his character. The non-closure had to stay consistent - it was a case of either complete all the characters stories, or leave them all open-ended - Taj, Landlords etc. I felt that it fit to keep things open, so kept them all so, although I do think Frank & Penny need to bit more substance to their ending.

Quoted from stevemiles I can’t help but wonder if it should be Frank and not Taj who gets ‘one up’ on the Querty brothers. It’s his story -- and more-so his bone to pick for the way they treated him

Hi Steve - good point, and the theory (at least) goes like this: It is Frank’s story, but the problem he had with the landlords is in the past (and it’s the past that he’s having difficulty in escaping, not confronting), but his goal/struggle is to deal with the future, and finding his place within it. It’s Penny’s role to help him in this, and Taj tries to helps too. But Taj can’t give him what he needs despite Taj’s efforts (p8. ‘Taj knows there’s nothing that he’s doing that is going to help ...’), so it then becomes Taj’s role to expose the landlords as spineless (they demonstrate they are nervous of him when Oliver goes into his shop, so it’s foreshadowed). The landlords are the antagonists to Penny and Taj, but are no longer true antagonists to Frank. That’s the theory at least... :) Thanks for the read.

I'm not sure that being afraid of somebody with a meat cleaver classes as being cowardly. It sounds quite sensible to me.

Hey Simon

must owe you a few reads.

Lets have a look.

First couple of pages - not quite your clipped style of the past, which is easier to read. perhaps a few too many mannerisms, buts again thats a style choice.

just one comment, if they are that wealthy they wouldn't be handing notices in themselves

rent and rates are different - i would stick with rents

i liked that for what it was. but i feel it could be more. intact, i think there is a decent social commentary potential in this.

Suggestions are;

Taj and frank was a little confusing and in someways distracting - one to clarify whether needed

Not much of an ending, although a sweet one

I liked the clash of virtual and real - something been played out aggressively at the moment. very topical. who loses, who gains, challenges, youth versus elder, experience and tech etc

The quertys or whatever they are called, were a little cliched. why not make it a little more mixed. they don't have much money, banks being an areshole, they need the rent, need more rent, tenants are hard to find so get them in on a cheap flexible deal, hit them with costs afterwards when not worth moving. perhaps they could have families to feed. thats a pretty common situation but would allow you to see the dynamics in a changing world.

i suppose the theme is does bricks and mortal have a place in the future as seen through the eyes of the old retailer, the new retailer, the struggling landlord etc

there is also the potential to explore hypocrisy. those who support the high street and then buy online as its cheaper - whats that going to do for us etc

cheers

Hey Bill - how are you doing??

Yeah, my writing isn't quite up to your standard yet-- it'll be a while until that happens  ;D

Rent vs Rates - yup, should have got that one, good spot. On the landlords, their wealth was only implied - they're quite local really. And I didn't really want to go to much into their story, so their end of things is quite limited.

Thanks for the read, though & glad you liked the theme - cheers.