A Dire Situation by Anthony M. Dionisio - Short - A detective steps into a hostage situation unaware that her presence will have a baneful influence on the outcome. 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Anthony

A few thoughts on formatting and stuff first.

1) Logline - will have a baneful influence, reads a little awkward.
2) I think numbers in scripts are normally spelled out, so 7 would be seven.
3) Redgroups - think you meant regroups.
4) Lowers cellphone from his ear - I don't think this would haappen as the SWAT team would be connected to a control unit by earpieces, maybe he could take his finger of his ear?
5)  

Code SWAT OFFICER Sniper Bravo is in position. Apartment is leased to a Mitch and Susan Adams. Kids name is Max. SUSAN Max!

She knows it's Max as she's just left him, maybe if the SWAT Officer said Maxwell?
6) Lugo called inroute. Think that's enroute.
7) or he cared anything about me - should that be she instead of he?
8) Send him out and we’ll get him some new digs. Is digs right in this context? Should it be pants?
9) Running data on Irene - I don't think that would be done in the hallway, I think control would do it.
10)

Code IRENE How do they usually end? Irene offers no response.

Should that be Chris who offers no response?

The overall story works well, pacing is good and I can visualise it easily but for me the ending seemed too obvious... why kill Chris and not Alan?

Maybe when Chris calls Alan she can't get through and one of the last shots is to him shot dead at home or similar?

Definite promise though.

Anthony

Thx for quick post, SS team.

Thx for the detailed read, Ant. I will make changes accordingly. Amazing how a fresh eye picks up things. Thx,

Tony

Hi Tony,

This is smooth and interesting. I quite enjoyed the read.

My only problem with the story is that it requires a small suspension of disbelief: Irene didn't need to set up this whole hostage situation in order to kill Christine (if that was her intention from the beginning). She could even have been gunned down by the SWAT team before Christine arrived. And how was she sure that Christine would respond/be allowed to respond the way she did (given the fact that she knew or suspected her motives and intentions)?

Other than that, well done! This would make a really nice film.

Good luck,
Manolis  

Anthony

First thing that grabbed my attention was you used the word peers three times on the first three pages. Might not be a big deal. But It does stand out a bit, at least for me. I try to limit the number of times  a word shows up. Especially if it’s a short.

I do see where you were going with this. And I did actually have a visual in my head while reading it. The hallway, the apartment and all that. But like Athenian said, it seemed to be a stretch in story that she was planning all this out to kill Christine then to shoot herself. I mean she could have just walked up in the street one day and shot her in the back of the head or something

Most of the dialogue was good. I do got to admit that the times you chose to drop in some comedic lines for some levity in tone seemed off kilter. It didn’t feel like it fit for your story.  I mean you got a hostage negotiation with a small child involved and you got the swat teams out in the hallway crackin jokes about Australia. I’d say drop the comedy in this all together.

But overall the story did work. And it was nice easy read.

Good job man
Reel- Truth

Tony,

Hey there. Decently written, but a little cutesy cute with some of your asides. Six shades of grey matter... Stuff like that's not for me. Clever, but not really necessary. This can be trimmed some, too. You have some unnecessary words here and there you can eliminate to make this read even slicker than it does.

It's a decent premise you got here. Good build up, high stakes... But the payoff fell flat for me. I just didnt buy that she'd hold a child hostage for infidelity. Unless he was psycho. You alluded to that, but I don't  think you confirmed it.

I really don't know if you'd want to change this to give the ending more impact. I mean, it had impact... just the end reveal didn't do it for me.

Otherwise, well written but needs a little touch up here and there.

Good luck going forward with this!

Steve

Thx posters for all the feedback.

I'm happy with the responses at this point. As long as the writing is clear and somewhat entertaining then I guess the job is a success.

Interesting how some people question a crazy woman taking revenge on infidelity. People do stupid crazy things everyday when they snap. Woman have severed a penis for god's sakes! I mean, Irene's revenge was complete by denying her man both woman in the end.

As far as the little things like using a cell phone instead of PD radios for comms is actually how things are done. Here in NY the cellphone driving restriction is lifted for first responders and law enforcement because thats how often cell phones are used for communication. You keep primary lines free for all immediate emergencies.

Streamline?  7. 5 pages is too long?  :)  BTW digs is slang for clothes.

I get the impression people kinda liked it but didn't want to like it. Anyways, all experience towards developing a writing style. Thx again everyone.

Steve,  where in LI are you? I'm from Babylon.

Tony

Anthony

Decently written, loved the term "terrified tot". I liked the no nonsense shooting of Christine too, no big final words just an abrupt shot, game over. However, and this has happened in the last two scripts I've read prior so I realize I'm repeating myself but I saw the ending coming once its revealed Christine knows Irene.

I understand that you want to hold the reveal as much as possible so you forgo any reaction from Christine at the mention of Irene';s name but in reality, given the fact that Christine is carrying on with her husband, she would've reacted to this and known exactly why Irene was doing what she was doing.

Also, Christine's attitude when confronting Irene is perplexing given their connection. Again, I know why you keep her reactions ambivalent but once we learn of the betrayal you can't help thinking back about that kind of stuff and not see it as intentionally misleading and not really making sense. There should dread and guilt written all over that bit?h's face ;)

CHRISTINE
What the hell do you want?

- Odd how she asks this a few lines down from:

IRENE
You haven’t asked me what my
problem is yet.

CHRISTINE
I think I have a pretty good idea.

In truth, shouldn't Christine have stayed away from the situation unless Irene requests her? She is just going to aggravate things, which in the end, is exactly what happens.

Regards

Col.

Hey Col,

Thx for the review. Don't you think your over analyzing the dialog a bit? Chris could be referring to Irene being a crazy bitch. Or she could be simply trying to buy time by asking questions she knows the answer to.

As far as her being there,  her nephew is in trouble, if you had the authority to help, would'nt you? The supervisor on scene had his doubts but let her proceed anyway. We all make mistakes. Things go badly.

As far as the reveal,  it was simply a show don't tell moment. I assume it worked,  noone was confused so far.

Did you really figure out the unfaithful ending ahead of time? Be honest. Lol

Tony

Quoted from TonyDionisio Hey Col, Thx for the review. Don't you think your over analyzing the dialog a bit? Chris could be referring to Irene being a crazy bitch. Or she could be simply trying to buy time by asking questions she knows the answer to. As far as her being there,  her nephew is in trouble, if you had the authority to help, would'nt you? The supervisor on scene had his doubts but let her proceed anyway. We all make mistakes. Things go badly. Tony

- Maybe I'm nit-picking but I still think nephew or not, given Christine's transgression concerning Irene she should've stayed well away from the situation. Perhaps this issue has had a knock-on effect on my reaction to the dialogue, making me scrutinize it more once predicting the reveal.

Quoted from TonyDionisio As far as the reveal,  it was simply a show don't tell moment. I assume it worked,  noone was confused so far. Did you really figure out the unfaithful ending ahead of time? Be honest. Lol Tony

- Ha, like i said, I dug how you executed it with minimum fuss and build up, the abruptness of it was effective. However, I did nail it beforehand mainly because of Irene's husband making an appearance on page 6. I understand why you had to include him so we would recognize him from the photos at the end but it did set the alarm bells ringing…particularly since he described as “handsomely Mediterranean”. Sh?t man, women invariably melt in the presence of that look! ;)

Regards

Col.