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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board / Comedy Scripts / Stoner Apocalypse
Posted by: Don, July 18th, 2014, 8:23am
Stoner Apocalypse by Alexander Caldwell - Comedy - An outlaw with a drinking problem accidentally leads a ruthless cult leader to a peaceful farm, and the last hope for survival in the apocalypse, when he seeks shelter with a group of clueless but friendly stoners. - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: DustinBowcot (Guest), July 24th, 2014, 2:27pm; Reply: 1
I know this may seem a little out there... but taking notes and doing one review within a single post is another way of doing things.
Posted by: hansenmv, July 24th, 2014, 3:49pm; Reply: 2
"SATAN LOVES VALERO" pg2 --- maybe change to "ADAGIO" since the slide-presentation graffiti was first-name based
only to pg6 --- i have mutiple distractions going --- 141pp for a comedy ---?
>>> this is gonna be one HELLUVA ride!!!
oh - pg2-3 --- Donatello/Adagio need to address each other by name - unless you intend name-inserts aka "DOGMA" - else we dont know who they are on screen
pp4-5 - same for Romeo --- we get Frank's name
Romeo walks into frame and smiles at the upside down Flocko.
ROMEO (O.S.)
>>> he isnt OS any longer
why italics? just CAP those words?
ugh: Romeo has just come down the trapdoor. He observes his surroundings.
"when its potentials are adequately explored." exploited? utilized?
p21 -- into the main barn floor. >>>>> onto
He�s not really dressed ----- Who? - i presume Donatello
right margin is off here:
Martians aren�t that
tough. Zombies are much
scarier. Especially the
virus-induced kind.
ROMEO
Look . . . the Apocalypse was . . .
>>> break up some how? interact with Timmy?
FLOCKO
So there�s no law at all?
Romeo shakes his head, frustrated.
>>> cops chased him from bar...?
tipis >>> did not know that spelling - just the e-version
Six has led Donatello and Mario to a small village. It
>>> 2x here - 1 space after period -- been 2 spaces / including here once
on Romeo�s balls. He
wakes. The zombie stands up and yawns. With his eyes half
closed, he stumbles forward
>>>"he" is Romeo? Timmy is already awake, starts to barn - what about his chains?
It lets out on last dying "chirp" before its
eyes turn to X�s.
Romeo vomits in his mouth >>>> ugh - tone-shift: from a dead bird?
Timmy collapses off-screen. He�s
tripped on something, but he pays no attention to what it
is. He stands back up, focused as ever, and walks to his
pile of weed. >>>> when does he get on-screen? maybe breakup that para there?
(SIMULTANEOUSLY)
We gotta save it! >>>> pretty fkn funny - many parts have been thus far btw
The StoneHavengers burst >>>Stonehengers?
Doctor Feelgood takes some of the Good Stuff >>>> Good Shit?
Everyone�s heard of
Stonehenge! The >>> RH margin - the word should fit on first line of dialog?
>>>> elsewhere also ---- check for errant spaces/returns
incoming
invasion. I�m sure my village >>> 3 spaces after period
pg43 -- ok - tone is beyond-critical - seems to be flopping about too much - Juliet seems non-plussed by her family being wasted --
>>> when does our Hero start being "heroic"? He's been talking most of the time to here (since he got to farm anyway) - Donatello n Sons of Fire n Miranda are all in the mix now - besides Stoners - ok - what exactly is our Hero after?? I cant say - dont think he could either.... and no Juliet's knickers dont count - ish
>>>> how does he charge that camera when that time comes?
Posted by: hansenmv, July 24th, 2014, 3:51pm; Reply: 3
Quoted from DustinBowcot I know this may seem a little out there... but taking notes and doing one review within a single post is another way of doing things. |
OK - sorry - i'll create a file sep first then
Wasnt sure exactly how this would play out --- as i see stuff - i want to note it -- minor stuff at first
Posted by: hansenmv, July 24th, 2014, 6:22pm; Reply: 4
why all the CONTINUED's?
pdf p43: need some time take care of this
urgent matter. >>> TO take care
pdf45 She runs to hug her sister.
>>>> ?? Juliet saw her night before? maybe not? --- Miranda told her to "Run"
pdf55 - still talking --- where are they? is Adagio REALLY in the Vatican/Rome/Italy one? I just presume our heroes are somewhere in America... << and that's how i do ellipses/no spaces
>>> how are they covering distances? D/M/6 are right there-ish, quickly
>>im picturing some weird Holy Grail type bunch of modern-day/era nutcases running about
pdf75 The visuals start to drip. There are some jump-cuts and
Fellini-style in and out dolly moves.
>>> ??? no clue what this means
pdf94 - No clue where this flick is going - - -
cant think of any model for it --- maybe Sleeper/Woody Allen - they were going after a nose - sort of, ish
pinata
pdf114 - a battle
needs more structure - plotting
Posted by: hansenmv, July 27th, 2014, 7:44pm; Reply: 5
Posted by: awcaldwell (Guest), July 30th, 2014, 12:26am; Reply: 6
Wow! I am truly grateful for all the notes! I was expecting zero serious responses to this script on account of its title and that typically it is very rare to get feedback (serious or otherwise).
A couple general questions:
Did the comedy really work for you throughout?
Did it make you laugh out loud?
Steve and I are aware that the "hero" isn't the primary force driving the plot, did that work out overall?
It's funny you mention Dogma, we actually took a lot of inspiration from it.
Really, thank you for taking the time to read through and give notes, some of them seem vague but I'm going to look into each note specifically over the next couple days.
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