A Thief In The Night by Shayne Watts - Short, Drama - One man learns too late that his obligations ultimately extend beyond his own world. 14 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Shayne,

SPOILERS

Very well written, great dialogue, great visuals. I was pulled nicely into this mans world and got a good sense of who he is.. a disgusting perve.
But the storyline didn't do much for me, it fell flat. The pizza delivery boy added to it nicely to show us more about CORD, but it just seemed like this creep got taken away by aliens, because? He's a creep? I was confused with the ending. Could be me, I don't know...did I miss something?  You write very well and it is well structured etc, for me there just needs to be something more to the overall story.

Cheers Kirsten

Thanks, Kirsten!

"A Thief in the Night" actually refers to two things:  1) Cord using the internet to "steal" the innocence from almost anyone he can, and, 2) A biblical reference to the "End Times" when Christ returns with His army and the world is purged.  That is to what the clock, horns, red lights (as warnings), morphing orange light (indicating the outside fire and cleansing of the wicked by unseen angels) refer.  Billy is the last chance for Cord's conscience to move away from the darkness.  That's why Billy is drawn to the lights/sound at the end, while Cord is tormented and finally, well, trashed.

As an aside, the "vagrants on the church roof" issue is what propelled me to write this.  This is an actual winter visual from my mother-in-law's loft looking at the church across the street.  It is sobering and motivated me to write this.

I really appreciate your comments.  Thanks for taking the time to read!

cheers to you,
shayne

Shayne: I would lose the COPYRIGHT watermarks. They are not needed and a distraction.

I would lose the camera directions.

Sorry, but for my taste anyway, the description/action blocks are over written and need to be broken up. Taking the opening as an example:

Quoted Text INT. LIVING ROOM - AFTERNOON A single, dusty table lamp sits fluorescently illuminated on a bookcase as a MOTH frantically pursues the unknown promises of the light held within -- the vestiges of its brethren's efforts lying lifeless at its base. The scratched, antique bookcase retains randomized books, coverless flash drives and adult magazines and DVD covers. Busy traffic noises seep through a half-opened window as bursts of keystrokes and mouse clicks resonate inside. Outside, a too-close CLOCK chimes the three o'clock hour.

So nine consecutive lines - a bit too much too chew. First, I would break them up as one's eye would see it. e.g.,

A single, dusty table lamp sits fluorescently illuminated on
a bookcase as a MOTH frantically pursues the unknown promises
of the light held within -- the vestiges of its brethren's
efforts lying lifeless at its base.


The scratched, antique bookcase retains randomized books, coverless flash drives and
adult magazines and DVD covers.

Busy traffic noises seep through a half-opened window as bursts of keystrokes and
mouse clicks resonate inside.

Outside, a too-close CLOCK chimes the three o'clock hour.

Secondly, I think you can be more efficient. Again, looking at the opening.,

Quoted Text A single, dusty table lamp sits fluorescently illuminated on a bookcase as a MOTH frantically pursues the unknown promises of the light held within -- the vestiges of its brethren's efforts lying lifeless at its base.

Extra words - e.g., You don't need "single" - or "sits" or "fluorescently illuminated". Keep it simple. e.g.,

A MOTH flutters around a dusty lamp flickering on a bookcase  Remnants of dead moths surround the base of the lamp.

Could just be a style choice - so feel free to ignore. But he descriptions were just to over the tp for me - novel-like. Maybe others will like as is.

I appreciate your comments, thanks!  

Setting that mood as efficiently as possible is always the challenge.  I may fumble with this one a bit more, and I appreciate your informed input.

cheers,
shayne

My pleasure