Hickey by Jimi Lamp - Short, Horror, Dark Comedy - A man wakes up in a motel room with a mysterious wound on his neck. 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

Mostly well written. Didn't seem like a whole story to me though, more like an opener, or maybe a dream that he's going to wake up from.

I don't get the end.

Code Paul reaches in quickly and swipes the essence from the table.

When you say he swipes it from the table do you mean that he knocks it off the table or he grabs it?

Hey Dustin. Thx for taking a look. This was kind of a late night experiment. Will definitely cut/rewrite some of the vague/cryptic stuff. May expand on it as well. But the end is supposed to be: Paul takes the offering/blood from the chalice off the table, implying he really wants to drink it. Will definitely work on it but just one those quick, weird ideas I guess.

I love that there's not much dialogue.  It's very visual.  Well written.

I didn't get the ending either... Are they vampires?  lol

Thx for reading, Ben.

I thought It was more interesting not to specify what they were really. To me they were a symbol of Violent, feminine power that the masculine essence has created over time. They're just turning the tables " so to speak."

But they definitely could be vampires.

Jimi,

Good, vivid writing. I agree with previous posters about the ending being vague.

Tony

Thx for reading and commenting, Tony. Looks like I'll have to go back and clean it up a bit. Appreciate it.

Jimi,

About time I did a return read.

Good writing. You're able to get the story across well. Didn't see much wrong at all. I'd go easy on the fades, cut to stuff and the ellipses though. To indicate the passage of time I'd use LATER or MOMENTS LATER, or whatever's most suitable for what you want to do.

You need to have the woman on the phone as (V.O.) otherwise it appears she's magicked herself into the room with him.

I just noticed you do for her last dialogue.

You need to cap either Woman or the name you give her when she first appears, even though I imagine she's the same one as was on the phone.

It varies with minor characters who appear in a script. If they don't talk or do much and have a fleeting length around then they don't need capping. But if you're not sure you're better off capping them when they first appear.

The end does seem a bit too vague. Even for one who's often as obtuse and oblique as myself. I did have a fondness for extremely obscure references in my scripts. Managed to tone this down as time went on. Otherwise I feared I may disappear up me own arse.

So I looked up some stuff on the painting. I could pretend I already knew a load. But that'd be a bit too sad.

Hmm, that didn't help much. I see from your ealier posts you have an explanation of what you were getting at. I think you'd need to put a bit more of the idea into the story. You don't have to spell it out but the reader should be able to find the meaning, or one similar from your script. At the moment I don't think there's enough in there for them to do this.

But it's good. Needs a bit more. Nevertheless, well on the way.

I was somewhat disappointed by the lack of sheep, keys and cake. But a cracker did make an appearance. That went some way to making up for their omission.

Keep it up,

R

This was very well-written and I love your descriptions. You paint a very good picture with your writing. I don't have any complaints really except that it doesn't seem like a whole story. At the same time, it works. The only other thing I noticed is when you wrote:

Quoted Text He swallows hard. Pain. Hunger. Confusion.

I get that he's been turned into a vampire (or at least that is what I'm assuming) but how will the audience know that he's hungry? I see what you did was more of an artistic move, but if you're going to describe him being hungry, I would say something along the lines of "He licks his lips in hunger as he stares intently at the photograph."

This seems like the beginning of something more and I would be interested in seeing what you would do if you ever expanded on it. It seems like a good script to use for an experimental film since it's one location and barely any dialogue.

Good job

Sean

Ren,

Thanks for the read and comments. All valid and very helpful. Just have this and the pilot up and both fairly rough drafts but I totally see what you mean with the obtuse stuff. Gotta nip that. The painting thing needs some more work like you said. A bit thrown in there. Thx again. Definitely helpful. Maybe can figure out how to throw in a sheep as well.

Quoted from JimiLamp   Maybe can figure out how to throw in a sheep as well.

Oooooh. Don't tempt me.

If I didn't have a lot on I'd finish my opus "How The Rams Got Their Revenge On Roger Cake."

Alas, Time to do eludes at the mo. I did an early draft and sent it to Ken Loach's people. They sent back a very nice letter. Well, it did end with the line "Don't ever contact us again or we will inform the authorities. You have been warned." I think they were just being funny. They did point out I wasn't.

Welcome for the read. Hope it goes well.

R

Sean,

Thank you for reading. This was definitely a spur of the moment experiment I guess. Probably shows. Thanks for pointing out the hunger thing. Good advice and will use that/keep an an eye on that stuff moving forward. Totally get what you're saying.

If you have anything posted, let me know and I'll  read and get back to you.

Thx again.

Nice opening - evokes some good images.

Reading on:

Re: 'The Death of Marat' painting - I'd personally delete the word 'infamous' - that word has negative connotations. I get the feeling you're going for highly prized as opposed to notorious in this context i.e., that it's a famous image..

Aw, we don't get Saltine crackers in Oz anymore - that took me back - not sure about using the brand name - cracker biscuit would do.

Jimi, overall you've some nice imagery here - very nice visuals however I'd stick to describing what your audience actually sees - in other words: delete 'strange wound' - that's obviously how your character feels/reacts to the wound, but the wound is just that, something he wasn't expecting to see and is horrified to see.

The way it reads it appears that Paul actually squeezes the wound re the pus and the placement of the fingers - ewe! Would he do that, and why? If he's going to do that and I get a distinct horror vibe from this then perhaps have something horrifying come from the wound i.e., save the pus for after he squeezes - or maybe something else oozes out.

I'd get rid of the SMASH TO BLACK as it's more a directorial thing and I'm not sure you need to go that far but I see what you were going for in your head, so not a big deal imh.

If he's 'lethargic and disoriented' - articulate that via images of him perhaps grabbing his head in pain, perhaps his POV - the room spinning?  ... when you write: 'he stumbles' you do actually show it there, and that's what I'm getting at here. Get the images in your head onto the paper a bit more. Don't take short cuts with description. But still be economical, that's the trick.

I didn't really get what he was checking his pockets for? The 'frustration' indicates that I probably should have? I'd just go with what we can see once again, onscreen:  'He checks his pockets'

The description for the girl's 'service' could do with a little revamping imh. Just a few tweeks - however, the flavour of it is there.

'wrapping his brain for memory' I think you might mean: 'racking his brain'

'We'll call her, FIRE.' If the latter is her name, it should be capped.

'filling it with a little bit of blood' considering she's filling it I'd leave out the 'little - just give us the image of blood dripping from her arm into the cup or even running, or gushing'. Nice image.

'swipes the essence from the table' - I second Dustin's comments on this one: - perhaps he 'snatches it out of her hands' or 'grabs for the chalice' - throws the contents down his throat.

Speaking of the word: 'essence' - you use it twice - once in relation to the dripping tap (water droplet) at the top of your script, and then again in the final scene. A suggestion re the water:  perhaps: 'disappears into the void/darkness/'.

I"m being picky, Jimi cause I gather you're reasonably new to this. Having said this you've evoked some really nice visuals and I could clearly picture it all taking place. There's a really effective tone to it too. Few tweaks and it'll jump off the page even more.

Jeepers, we women are evil temptresses aren't we?  ;D

P.S. I meant to add a few notes re story. As a self-contained 'short' I think this is just a little light-on. Mind you, a 'short horror' filmmaker wanting to add to his showreel could add nicely to his repertoire with this.

If you wanted to make it a little more intriguing in terms of story I'd add to this by showing some of Paul's other life - the family in pic for example - how did he get in this situation... apart from the bleeding obvious - hee hee, no pun intended? Alternatively, this could be part of a bigger story i.e., feature length.

LC,

Thanks so much for taking the time to read a relay these helpful comments. A bit new to the screenwriting world and learning a lot quickly. This site being extremely helpful for the short time I've been on here.

All your comments ring true and extremely helpful. I must admit A bit of "face-palming" going on over here. Of course noticed some of these mistakes reading after I sent It in. Hopefully learn to give a good polish/edit before throwing it out anywhere for a read. And knew right away the cryptic stuff just wasn't gonna cut it. But I think I'm getting it.

All the specific notes are very helpful. Might write some down on sticky-notes and slap em' around every room.

Glad you felt there was some good things going here. Visual and other wise. Yes. Story wise. Very Lite. Definitely thought of adding a whole preface/backstory to Paul before the motel room. May go back and try that. This was a bit a of an experiment but a good one. Learned a lot.

For what it's worth - anytime you need a read on anything send it my way.

Very appreciative and much obliged.

P.S. I was all about the women on this one.

Hey Jimi,

I'm going to echo in a summary what has already been said really.

Nicely written, you have the knack for writing, just need to learn how to format scripts properly. You said you were fairly new to screenwriting so this all comes with time and practice.

The basic formatting rules can be found online, and there's some great free software out there to guide you.  When writing keep in the present tense and try to describe what the audience will actually see at that point in time. A little artistic flair is fine, something that helps the reader set the scene and a way to add your own voice to the script. Just try to find the right balance so it doesn't take up too much space in the script or detracts from the story.

I sussed out the guy was turned or turning into a vampire (or that's how I read it anyway) fairly early on so there were no surprises for me, no exciting twists etc. but this reads more like a scene and you are practicing how to write, so it's fine as it is. I'd just suggest trying to challenge yourself by coming up with a beginning, middle and end; a complete story. One which leads the reader down a path they want to travel but have no idea where it leads. That's the hard part, writing styles and formats can be learned - the craft is telling a great story that people love to read. IMO anyway!

Best of luck.

Mark

Jimi

While I like the specificity of the visuals in the opening scenes, the phone, the dripping faucet, the latter is hardly anything new in symbolising loneliness or emptiness or silence, whatever. Again, the writing is good, clear, assured, it’s just focusing on dripping water has descended into cliché.

“Essence finally disappears into the dark.”

- I appreciate the poeticisms but is this one stretching it a little far, perhaps trying too hard?

To be fair, as I read on, it became clear that you can write and technically the prose is solid.

Unfortunately, on a personal level, I’m got over vampire films a long time ago, however, you do try to do something different with this, basically detailing a guy’s initial period of confusion and disorientation after being bitten and initiated into the flock. You withhold the true nature of events for as long as you can and keep us wondering what is exactly going on. I liked the escort service angle too as a way to lure unsuspecting men into their ranks.

The title threw me off in that I thought it was going to be a comedy, even when Paul is squeezing the blood and pus from his neck wound I was waiting for it turn lighter (in tone) and didn’t actually cop the vampire element until he reads the ad and the word “eternal” Not that I’m suggesting you change the title or anything, it works.

Also, I guess the dripping faucet did play a part aurally later on as Paul’s hearing intensifies amid his transformation and hey, on the basis of this, being turned into a vampire doesn’t seem like such a bad deal. He’s got three beauties in his company now, one way to alleviate the loneliness ;)

Overall, not bad, well written, atmospheric but suffers from lack of originality on the whole.

Col.

Mark,

Thanks for the read and comments.

All your points are valid and considered moving forward. This was an experiment in a few ways. One being an Idea for a very low budget, self contained short I might shoot myself. So took some liberties with writing a bit. But your comments are definitely helpful and appreciated as this was a bit of a spur of the moment Idea and still working it out.

Thx again.

Col,

Thx for the read and comments.

I hear ya with the faucet. This was one of those strange spur of the moment ideas. The faucet on one level was meant to symbolize male "energy" the bead of water male "essence". The drain, natural female power, the void being the gate for the cycle for birth and death.

Too cryptic. Over the top. not needed. Etc. Maybe. Was reading a lot about the genocide of feminine power in mythology and religion and the Idea of the aspect of the feminine being turned into something evil, tainted, less than. Just felt compelled to write it. Probably didn't do some of these ideas justice.

I didn't see this as a vampire idea specifically. More male/female sexuality. Violence. Taking ones will, essence away. But that's all apart of vampire lore. I hear ya. Trying too hard? Probably. I was just in a mood I suppose.

Also hear ya about the comedy. I guess for me, between the title and some of what takes place. Some of the absurdity - that was funny to me in a dark dry/subtle way. But didn't go out of my way to inject comedy. So see what you mean.

Threw this up cause needed some work and perspective. Thx for taking the time to comment. It's definitely helpful. Hopefully I can take some of these notes and make it better.

Much obliged.

Quoted from JimiLamp I hear ya with the faucet. This was one of those strange spur of the moment ideas. The faucet on one level was meant to symbolize male "energy" the bead of water male "essence". The drain, natural female power, the void being the gate for the cycle for birth and death. Too cryptic. Over the top. not needed. Etc. Maybe. Was reading a lot about the genocide of feminine power in mythology and religion and the Idea of the aspect of the feminine being turned into something evil, tainted, less than. Just felt compelled to write it. Probably didn't do some of these ideas justice. I didn't see this as a vampire idea specifically. More male/female sexuality. Violence. Taking ones will, essence away. But that's all apart of vampire lore. I hear ya. Trying too hard? Probably. I was just in a mood I suppose.

- I see, that's interesting stuff. I obviously took it on a much more simplified, pop culture level. Being so saturated with vampire flicks I jumped to conclusions but yeah you can understand why. That sexual element is innate to the succubus archetype.

I only meant "trying too hard" in reference to that one line I quoted, not for the piece in general. Also, to your credit, you obviously put a bit of thought into featuring the dripping faucet. Like I said, you do call back to it later on so its not merely a throwaway not-so-original visual.

Quoted from JimiLamp Also hear ya about the comedy. I guess for me, between the title and some of what takes place. Some of the absurdity - that was funny to me in a dark dry/subtle way. But didn't go out of my way to inject comedy. So see what you mean.

- Ya, the title totally works. Its just when we talk about a hickey its usually something one tries to cover up, or display proudly. Either way, its a source of derision/respect for your friends. All depends on the girl really. This is what I had in mind when going into this, maybe you were chronicling the worst hickey ever, taken to the extreme! ;) Jokes aside though, in relation to the theme of the script, whether it be straight vampire or something deeper as you've alluded to, it suits perfectly, succeeds on a couple of levels actually, don't change it.

Also, in terms of the "The Death of Marat" painting I meant to comment on this the last time. I liked the inclusion of it hanging on the wall, again, it can apply in a vampire context with the neck wound but upon learning your inspiration it holds an even greater significance as it depicts a French revolutionary seduced and killed by a lady of the night, right? (I'd like to thank wikipedia for making that comment possible ;)) I appreciate little details like that in a film/script, shows the writer/filmmaker's attention to detail and how their mind is working outside the main thrust of the story to enhance and enrich its overall impression. Good job.

Col.

Hey Jimi,

So I liked this on the whole, parts of it more than others.  The early tone was good, and I liked how you telegraphed where the story would lead without being overt about it.

There were a few things I would change, were this mine.  The pill bottles seem like an unnecessary detail that do not pay off later.  I did not like the vomiting, but that is just a peeve of mine.  Seems like nearly everything I watch or read these days needs to have somebody throwing up.  I don't get it.  Watch for it and you'll see it all the time, I swear.

I also did not like the insertion of the family photo.  I know what you are going for, but here it felt artificial and forced.  I don't think you need it.

I did like the use of the painting, though.  I liked that a lot.  I am a big fan of true details that encourage the interested reader to pop over to Google -- and then they do not disappoint once located.  Nicely done.

You also made great use of a single setting, but at the same time, the piece feels a bit light, and I guess that is a function of how you chose to end this.  It is not that it needs much more, but it does seem to need a little more somehow.  Maybe some reveal about your redhead, and why she gets to be so bossy with the others.

At any rate, for a short piece with heavy atmosphere, you succeeded well, but the narrative itself seems one saltine short of a full pack :)  It needs a little something more to set it apart.

Bert,

Thx for the read and comments. Your last line there made me laugh, but I completely agree with the story being light. This was a bit of a spur of the moment thing. Maybe a subconscious exercise in tone.

The photo was a bit forced actually. I went back and put it in as I felt the thing on a whole was light and too cryptic. And was playing with the idea with a whole prologue thing with Paul's character before he ends up at the motel. Good call on that.

I hear ya with the pill bottle as well. I think I added little details like this to beef up the absence of a defined story. Wasn't entirely sure where this was going as i was writing. Things to consider.

Your comments are appreciated and spot on. I'll Keep all of this in mind when I go back and try to make this work a bit better/beef it up.

Thx again.