Hypnotizing to get Ahead (was Hypnotizing Strangers) by Ben Kelley - Thriller - A psychology student and his professor ignore ethics as they experiment with hypnotism. 102 pages - pdf, format 8)

My biggest concern with this script is the hypnotherapy sessions.  I'm afraid the reader/audience won't buy it...  The idea is that after a patient has seen the event they were trying to remember, at that point, they're as "deep under" as they're going to go, and that's where Malcolm and Flower try to inject false memories.  

Well, it's not overwritten that's for sure! I got to page 45 before I bailed.

It's a fast read but the story moves at a snail's pace. We're almost at the midpoint before we discover what the protagonist has done and what his true intentions are. Also, the script is called HYPNOTIZING STRANGERS yet, the only person we see Malcolm actually hypnotize is his friend Jimmy. He talks about hypnotizing the homeless men in the interview but we never see it.

However, for me the biggest problem is your main character. Malcolm comes across as an insecure, selfish, manipulative a**hole. After Jimmy's death he doesn't show the tiniest hint of remorse. Instead he destroys all the evidence then goes to see Flower to brag about what he has done and how he has successfully demonstrated his theory at Jimmy's expense.

Why would you think a reader/audience would root for a guy like that and want him to succeed?

I would suggest taking a look at your formatting. You have the title on the title page which is fine but you also have it on page 1 which is unnecessary. You use SERIES OF SHOTS throughout the script. We get from the action lines that you are describing different shots so putting SERIES OF SHOTS  is pointless and takes up white space. Similarly, you capitalize MALCOLM and other characters way too much.

Lastly, I'd suggest chancing the title it sounds pretty generic IMO.

Hope this doesn't sound too harsh? Good luck with it! :)

Rolo

Hi Rolo,

I appreciate your honesty.  Thanks for taking the time.

Yeah, lol.  I know this script has issues, that's why I put it on here for input.  As for Malcolm, I love writing about characters that aren't likable, even though that's obviously a risk for the reasons you mentioned.  They're more interesting to me because they don't fit the traditional mold.  

He does show a little remorse -- he screams in a pillow, lol.  Then he basically panics and destroys evidence.  Then he gets excited because he thinks he's proven he can manipulate people with hypnosis, which is the kind of discovery he needs because his dissertation blows.

I agree with the SERIES OF SHOTS, I'm going to remove those.  Formatting has always been the biggest obstacle for me, I don't know why.  

And the title, I just thought it was catchy.  They do go on to hypnotize someone else.

Hi Ben.

I haven't looked at your script yet, but I was wondering if you've ever heard of a guy called Derren Brown? If not here's his wikipedia page... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Derren_Brown

Basically, he's an illusionist/mind trick expert, amongst other things. A few years back now, he did a series called 'The Experiments' where he would hypnotize people into doing stuff they wouldn't normally do. One episode in particular, he hypnotized a guy to become an assassin, and he got the guy to shoot Stephen Fry during a live show, albeit with a fake gun for obvious reasons, and the guy had no idea he had done it.

While there will always be sceptics as to whether or not his shows are real, I just thought it might be interesting for you to check out some of his stuff. In particular the show during The Experiments called 'Assassin'. I've tried to find it on youtube, but for some reason it says it's unavailable in my country. Here's the link though... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=90xfZJQzAhc    ...just in case it is available in yours. If not, it still might be worth you finding as it might offer some good help for your story.

Hi Arty,

Thanks for your comment and the link.  I'll check that out.  

One of my biggest concerns with this story is making the hypnotherapy sessions somewhat plausible and not ridiculous to the point where I lose the reader/audience, so anything I can research helps.  

New draft up.  It's much better than the draft I originally posted.  The title is changed and will probably have to be changed again, lol.  Let me know if you think of one.

Thanks for checking out the script!

Okay, so I thought I'd give this a read to see what it's all about...for a start the title is a little long and unusual. If I was in a DVD store and I saw 'Hypnotising to get Ahead' I'd think it was more of a self-help video or some kind of a documentary as opposed to a thriller.

--SPOILERS--

We get a description of Malcolm, but not of Jimmy? All we learn is that he's in his 20s.

ROMONA (20s) has a canister of air freshener. Sprays it at
the feet of THREE HOMELESS MEN advancing toward sandwiches
on the edge of the stage.

-- this is one of the oddest pieces of action I've ever read!

The dialogue almost made it seem as if Flower and Malcolm were flirting in the scene with the creaking chair.

DAMAIN
Piss ant.

-- unusual insult there.

I must admit Damain has a lot of balls to run at someone with a gun, I went to University and was around a lot of guys like him but I can't imagine many of them who would charge at someone who was wielding a loaded pistol.

The police got there fast, in fact it escalated quickly - about 60 seconds ago it was merely a schoolyard-esque argument.

Why is there such panic about an 'active shooter situation' ? The police and witnesses must have seen Jimmy kill himself so surely they'd know there was no further danger.

Why does Percy suspect Malcolm of foul play? Fair enough it's known that he doesn't like Damain, but all witnesses would see/hear Malcolm tell Jimmy to stop and see him do the shooting. It also seems a bit early in the investigation for the cop to bring up hypnotism.

Malcolm confides in Flower very easily - how long have they actually known each other? Has he been his tutor for all ten years? Flower doesn't talk like the kind of professor I'd picture him to be - "That shit worked?" just doesn't ring right.


MALCOLM
I never thought we'd be doing this
on a woman.

He suddenly gets a conscience now??

I really liked the interview scene where Kim has to film it so many different times, although if he was really worried about being found out Malcolm would never have agreed to do it.

Hang on so they've randomly walked into the CIA to pretty much tell them that Malcolm has effectively committed a murder!?


So yeah, just finished this - admittedly I read it quite quickly but I feel I got enough from it. As others have said Malcolm is in no way a likeable lead and well...I don't know...hypnotising someone to kill someone is somewhat psychotic as it felt like he really meant for Damain to die. Yet up until this point Malcolm just seems a classic jealous college kid, maybe something early on could hint at his very dark side?

The ending is a little bleak - I'd be tempted, were this my script, to make Kim more of the heroine and lead. It was unorthodox to have Flower survive at the end, and certainly original. Although, I didn't have him down as the murderer crazy type really.

In short it was a good read, formatting may need a tidy and I think the story could do with a little more to it. A little more development of characters - take Kim for example, I could tell you nothing about her asides from she studies journalism and is hot. As for Malcolm all I know is he is studying for his doctorate and likes hypnotism - does he play sport? How long has he been with kim? What's his reason for the obsession with hypnotising? And again all I got from Jimmy was that he was maybe a little bit of a loser, and that he comes from a family who will happily loan him a pistol while he studies.

When I was at University my parents just gave me a little money and some food here and there, never a firearm!

Going back to Kim, perhaps she could work with Percy more? It seems like she is keen to believe that Malcolm is guilty, but as a loving girlfriend you'd expect her to try prove the opposite.

Also Flower's character needs some work - I know I mentioned this earlier, but he doesn't sound anything like the Professor I have pictured.

The dialogue does need some work here, the scenes with Kim and Malcolm are good, but there are others that just don't feel real. Going back to Damain calling him a 'piss ant' and the language used by Flower and Percy - they talk and swear more like colleague kids than professional adults.

I think you should also build up Malcolm's jealousy with Damain a little more before the inevitable scene happens.

Those are just my jotted, scrambled thoughts - any questions please let me know.