Endless Nameless by D.B. & Floyd - Short, Drama - A man tells of his struggles of the past two years, and his decision to end his life. 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi,

Um,  congratulations...  You broke every rule in the screeplay book. :) Gotta be a record. Lol

Tony

Salutations!

The premise of the story is interesting, but there is just too many mistakes to keep my interest.

I had to really push myself to finish page 3.

First off, don't use the word we in the screenplay, (we see, wee notice) trust me, I learned that the hard way.

Like when you said "There's no dialogue, but you can tell he's telling a story.

Just keep it at "It's clear that he's telling a story" or something else.

There are so many mistakes that I can't just point them all out.

I don't know what kind of story you're shooting for but I would suggest looking up tutorials and read other screenplays while you're at it.

Trust me, been there, done that.

Best of Luck!

- Luis

Hi,

Typing notes as I read and I've not read the other comments.

Depressing tagline - doesn't drag me in and make me want to read this at all.

Space out your action. The general guideline is three to four lines per block maximum. Your action dictates the pace.

THE MAN and THE OTHER MAN  Give your characters names and descriptions if they are going to be part of your story unless you want their identity to be hidden briefly. The audience and the actors need to connect to these people, it's difficult when they are generic.

If you need to tell the reader who the protagonist is, your script isn't written correctly. It should be obvious from the script who this and the antagonist is without any pointers.

First drafts don't include camera shots or any direction. This is the blueprint, not the shooting script.

Check out script formatting guides on how to include captions in your script.

The quality of the English needs work - "What else do you got to lose?" for example.

Who is Dennis? Where did he come from? What does he look like?

Sorry, I tried but only managed to get to page 2 before giving up. I like the idea of you attempting this from a silent movie perspective but you need to read up on script writing formats, how to introduce characters etc. Read a lot of scripts as well, they will show you were you are going wrong.

Best of luck.

Mark