Bygones by Aaron Berry - Short, Drama - A homeless man is joined on the corner by a slacker and his dog. Through a conversation, they discover that this isn't their first meeting and they're closer than they thought. - pdf, format 8)

Aaron,

Had a quick look as I'm in the middle of something, which I won't go into. A wiser man wouldn't have mentioned it at all.

As I read -

A HAN? Lost me there. But I speak soon. May make sense later. Maybe it's Solo.

Your name is unfamiliar to me but that's no big surprise. There's loads of people I don't know. Anyways, the writing standard is pretty good. Which always makes things easier. I can concentrate on the story.

Oooh, mention of a rebel. It must be Han Solo. Sorry, having fun. More at my expense than yours.

Finished. The odd (rare) typo and an extra space near the end are about the only things I spotted that could be fixed.

Also, you don't always have to, but I would recommend capping some minor characters at their first mention, those that do something. or perhaps not.

But my mind in on other things. Story's not half bad. I think I'll come back to this when I'm more focused.

Overall I thought this was rather good.

R

Hi Aaron,

There were several typos, some of the dialogue was clumsy and you described the action in the past tense a few times but nothing major.

SPOILERS

Although I worked out who the Hobo and the Stranger was fairly early on I really like the angle of portraying Lucifer in this way. It took a familiar story and gave it a unique twist.

I liked it, well done. It had charm and sorrow.

Mark

Hi Aaron

As noted there's a couple of typo's and things to tidy up but nothing substantial.

SPOILERS!

My feelings are a little mixed on this as follows
- I think some of the early dialogue is too much too soon and gives away where the story is going, I'd reduce and build up to it.
- Not sure what the dog adds, consider re-write without him?
- For me, and maybe I'm just a cynic ;-) - but I think this would work if the Hobo and Stranger were swapped... surely there's more evidence these days of God/Jesus been the ones who have been forsaken... think the twist might be darker if it was the Devil extending the olive branch.

Of course all the above is just my opinion, I think this is decent and well written, should be easy to film too. Good luck with it.

Anthony

Aaron

Including the’ character’s ages upon their introduction wouldn’t do any harm, helps with visualising them.

“The Han”

- Should be “Man”

“Raybands”

- Should be Ray-Bans

STRANGER
They started out serving and loving
their fellow man. They cared for
each other..

- Did we? Seems to me that man’s inhumanity to man has existed, and been well documented, since day one.

“men ad women”

- Missing a “n” in “and”

“The Stranger has circle-shaped scar tissue on both of his
hands.”

- Might be worth specifying “palms” instead of “hands” as it just misleads otherwise. This should be the moment that we the reader and the Hobo realise the true identity of the Stranger.

STRANGER
After all, here’s more
with you than there are with us.

- I’m confused by this line, what does he mean by it? A typo maybe.

Interesting twist with the revelation of who these two characters really are, although I suspected there was more to them than met the eye. Unfortunately. I’m not really sure what your message is supposed to be or the point of the whole thing…or if there is meant to be one at all.

Why has Lucifer decided to become a bum, he’s all powerful too, no? He clearly still harbours contempt for the human race as expressed in some of his dialogue at the beginning so why subjugate himself like this to the role of a vagrant? Given that he’s hung up his horns (for want of a better phrase) shouldn’t the world be a better, happier place with less evil? This is hinted in the line I quoted early about how things were sweet before “that one rebel” but it doesn’t seem like much has changed on this street anyway, we’re still carrying on as normal.

Is this part of the script’s theme? That man will always act according to their natural bestial instincts rather than do outright good all the time even though Lucifer isn’t around to lead them astray? Or is it solely about a penitent Satan?

Also, at the end, you leave on an upbeat note of the kid giving money but again I’m not sure what you are trying to say with that. Are you suggesting that we’re not so bad after all, there is compassion and humanity left in us somewhere? If so, that’s not telling us anything new, we know there are horrible people and there are great people in the world and everyone in between. It’s the way it’s always been, that eternal battle between the darkness and the light. If anything, the moment of human decency should’ve happened to Lucifer who seems to have abandoned all hope in us.

I guess I’m missing the point here which is probably my own shortcoming. I would like to hear your intentions.

Regards

Col.