3 Bills by Jerry Akin - Short, Comedy - 3 elderly men struggle to get through their first hole on the golf course. 14 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Jerry

I really liked this, there was a natural flow to the conversation and the interactions were funny in the main - oh and I don't like golf, so kudos for keeping me interested too.

A few thoughts/minor points
- You don't really need 'cut to:', it's implied by the new slug.
- There's  couple of typo's, e.g. 'whole' - when you meant 'hole'
- A couple of grammer errors have crept in (as they always do in mine), 'you're' when you meant 'your'
- I think it's a little too long, but that's personal taste, if you wanted to you could shave some of the golf shot descriptions off, shorten the putting section etc.

However, I got to the end and they just drive off... there's no real resolution or twist.

So great slice of grey life but I wanted a little more of an ending.

Anthony

Read 4 pages, and tough to say, but I didn't laugh. I wanted to like it, especially bc I see characters like this for real on the golf course all the time, but it just didn't happen for me. My advice (and I apologize if this bit appears after page 4) - if you want a cheap and easy laugh to get the reader in the mood for a short story about three old codgers playing golf - come right out of the gate with one emerging from behind a tree with a giant pee stain on his pants. Now THAT'S senior golf!

Thanks for the feedback

Jerry,

I started it but 3 characters all with similar names...  I'm not in the mood to parse through the dialog, sorry.

Gl with the script
Tony

I found myself zipping through this, ignoring the little miscues (effects/ affects), and LAUGHING. Kind of a P.G. Wodehouse air about it. Well done!