The Boy with the Golden Spoon by Alex Sarris (Alex_212) - Comedy - A far from average Billy Beane, has an unnoticeable aura about him that surpasses many, though when this selfish boy tries to follow his dreams, the path leads him sideways. - pdf, format 8)

Hey Guys,

Thought I would get this online just in case anyone was keen to do a read.

I'm also happy to do an exchange.

Regards Alex

Typo - Page 4

Billy’s -- Eyes Widen -- He focus beyond the spoon and onto Nurse Rodriguez abundant cleavage.

'Bout as far as I go.  Sorry, not my cup of tea.

No probs Caleb,

Thanks for taking a look !!!

Hey Alex,

I read the first 30 pages the very night you sent this to me.  I sent you a small e-mail explaining how I felt, but for some reason you didn't receive my response.  I don't know what that's all about (maybe some malfunction?), but I did try to give this a shot.

So, yeah, I couldn't make it further than 30.

I wasn't a big fan of all the sequences of the kid as he was growing up.  It felt like things were being clogged. I can see why this is a whopping 117 pages.

I didn't find anything funny - except for maybe that scene with the puppets.  I know comedy is subjective or whatever, but I could have got passed all that if I was into the story, but unfortunately, this just wasn't for me, and I'm probably not the best guy to review this anyway so I'll just leave it at that.

One thing I will say is that the logline isn't very grabbing.  If I was looking for things to read here, I would pass right over it.

Best of luck with it.

Thanks Steve,

We had the power go down a week or so ago and our server was offline for several hours, so that may be the reason why.

If you want to resend the email, I'll be happy to receive it unless all what you have mentioned is contained above?

Thanks for taking a look and you are correct, comedy is subjective !!! We are all individuals with different likes and dislikes. So no problem.

Regards Alex

Yeah, that post pretty much was the e-mail.

Maybe you should consider fixing the logline.

A terrible log line is a death wish.  You'll get no reads.

I know I blow over scripts without a second thought if the logline is beat.

Thanks Steve.

The Log has changed a few times and I've never been happy with it.

Will look at it again.

Alex

Quoted from CalebHart It's gotta be a tough hit when you spend (however much time it took you to write this script) only to have it slip through the cracks and fall to the wayside.  Oh well...better luck next time.  At least you banged out a feature.   New logline suggestion:  A selfish boy's misguided dreams lead him down the wrong path.

Thanks Caleb for your opinion though I am offended that you mention it "is going to the wayside" and at least "I knocked out a script" !!!! Maybe I should just put all my work in the bin?

Seriously dude you read 4 pages out of 115 and I'm sure something you read did offend you, though these are bold remarks and really coming from someone who hasn't even read the script is amusing. Maybe you need to be reading something like "The sound of Music" because nearly every screenplay will offend someone.

I do not want to be throwing Mud, though why "put it down" when you are really totally uninformed and know nothing about the story.

I always approached SS as a tool to give people a fair and unbiased opinion and really help someone to improve their work. I will give an honest opinion and encourage them. Putting a screenplay down really does reflect on you as a screenwriter.

As mention I just wanted to straighten out a few points and no hard feelings and thanks for taking a look.



  

Quoted from Guest Hey Alex, I read the first 30 pages the very night you sent this to me.  I sent you a small e-mail explaining how I felt, but for some reason you didn't receive my response.  I don't know what that's all about (maybe some malfunction?), but I did try to give this a shot. So, yeah, I couldn't make it further than 30. I wasn't a big fan of all the sequences of the kid as he was growing up.  It felt like things were being clogged. I can see why this is a whopping 117 pages. I didn't find anything funny - except for maybe that scene with the puppets.  I know comedy is subjective or whatever, but I could have got passed all that if I was into the story, but unfortunately, this just wasn't for me, and I'm probably not the best guy to review this anyway so I'll just leave it at that. One thing I will say is that the logline isn't very grabbing.  If I was looking for things to read here, I would pass right over it. Best of luck with it.

Thanks Steve and appreciate you taking a look and commenting.

I have to admit, you are right, comedy is subjective and we are all individuals with different outlooks.

I have had a few long term SS members do a full read and was told that they laughed out loud many times throughout the read.

Thanks for taking a look.

Alex

Thanks Caleb

Quoted from CalebHart Relax, Alex.  I wasn't putting it down.  I was simply tryin' to cheer you up.

Sorry it didn't work. I'm not easily cheered up. I'm a bit like Eeyore.

Quoted from CalebHart I skimmed through enough of it and frankly it's just not that funny to me.  The humor is juvenile.

Cool... So your saying it would appeal to Juveniles ? Hee Hee

Thanks for taking a look.

New Logline !!!!!  Your thoughts ???

A far from average boy pursues his childhood crush though after wooing her with his unique powers, he realises his heart is a far more effective weapon.


Regards Alex

Alex, that log is definitely better - just stick a 's' -  plural in 'pursues' but it's still too convoluted imh. Even if you turn it around something like:

In pursuit of his childhood crush a young boy possessed with unique powers realizes his heart is a far more effective weapon.

You give a little too much of the game/story away imh.

The: 'heart is a far more effective weapon' quite obviously tells the reader from the get go what the conclusion of your story is. We now know whatever special talent this kid has will not matter one iota and that he'll have to use his heart, like everyone else.  It's also I guess the theme of your story.

Plus, you're doubling up with this description:

'a far from average boy' & a boy 'with unique powers' - those two descriptions amount to the same thing.

Streamlining that would be my advice - 'unique powers' is far more intriguing than 'far from average boy'.

With the few details of the story I have, and bear in mind I haven't read it, some ideas I had:

A young man, while pursuing the girl of his dreams, discovers being blessed with super powers is no guarantee of success when it comes to matters of the heart.

A young man born with an extraordinary talent/unique powers, discovers pursuing his childhood crush is no easy task, and that the rules of love are not easily mastered.

A young man blessed with/born with unique powers discovers love is a game where the rules are not easily mastered.

A young man/boy discovers being in possession of a superhuman talent does not always guarantee a happy ending.

Hope something there inspires. Also is this a 'boy's story' or a 'young man's story'??- you might want to adjust that for your logline unless he remains a kid throughout the story.

Thanks Libby,

Wow you've given me plenty to ponder over though I really do like the first log with just turns the last log I posted ass about.

I don't think mentioning "the heart is a more effective" gives it away, SPOILER... If anything it probably misleads the reader as he doesn't end up with her at the end, even though her opinion of him changes.

Will have to think about it a bit more and really appreciate all your help.

Regards Alex

Happy to be of assistance. Hope you get some more reads. :)