Stitched by Luke Prince - Short, Drama - A school bully takes another pupil to the site of a terrifying urban legend and the alleged location of several disappearances.  9 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Luke,

This is a very standard -so rather predictable- horror story, but you did it well. Good writing. And I liked how Kyle showed some guts at the end.

Manolis

Hi Luke,

Writing notes as I read, there will probably be spoilers.

It's a quiet street, quiet bus stop and the teenagers are chatting inaudibly. Are we in a silent movie?

Cameron laughs to himself, you can get put away for stuff like that!

Although you can probably detect my subtle hint of sarcasm - I hope you get the points. They way you describe action could be clearer, tighter.  Another example is Kyle's description shows he has a lack of confidence, you don't need to then state that fact again.

Avoid 'begins' at all costs. Begins to walk, begins to talk. No-one begins to walk, or ends their walk, they walk to and from a location.

Here's another ' DANIELA turns to go the other way'. First of all you don't need to CAP her name, she's already been introduced and using the description 'turns to go the other way' makes them sound like robots.

Write what the audience can see, not what the character is thinking or imagining. For Example:

The abruptness of KYLE’s reply exposes the lie, he pauses,
looking around, imagining evil lurking behind every tree
trunk.

Such a description is fine in a book but in a script you need to be leaner. You can deal with Kyle's demeanor in a parenthetical (lying nervously) above the 'No!' dialogue for example or with one line of action below.

The rest of the script contains similar issues so I'll skip onto the story. It seem like an urban legend prank that turns out to be true, quite predictable but fits all the criteria for a 'Tales from the Crypt' type short horror. It has elements borrowed from Blair Witch Project but I do like the idea of a creature that stiches people's mouths up - nice and gruesome!

I hope my notes help you improve, the important thing is to keep on writing.

Mark

Many thanks for feedback on this. It was very much meant to be a run of the mill tales-from-the-crypt style story, but with my own variation to it. All comments taken on board for future writing.

Ta