Hi David:
Going to get in on the action lines discussion.
For example.
"Huge room with California king bed and beautiful antique dressers and colorful carpet. It is adjacent to Master Bathroom which is also huge with hot tub and glass shower. It is pitch dark as Vicki enters."
Just say VICKI enters bedroom. It's pitch dark. That's it. We don't care about details we assume if it's bedroom then bed will be there somewhere. You rather move the story.
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I very much disagree. There's nothing wrong with scene descriptions as long as they are relevant to the story. The part you brought out, INST, contributes to telling us a little about Vicki and her family. Who they are, how they live. She was already referenced as a spoilt party girl, now we see that she's a spoilt party girl in a rich family.
However, David, the trick with action lines is to be as concise as possible. Say as much as you can with as little words as possible.
VICKI is a spoiled party girl that comes and goes when she
pleases. She is coming home from a party. She is drunk and
slightly off balance. She quietly enters and slowly shuts
door. She has a goofy smile on her face and hickey on her
neck. She rests her head against door quietly giggling.
to:
VICKI (A spoiled party girl, she comes and goes where she pleases) quietly walks through the front door in an inebriated state, slightly off balance. With a goofy smile on and a hickey on her neck she slowly shuts the door, rests her head against it giggling.
I don't really plan to read this at the moment, but a few other pointers:
Format your slug lines correctly. If you don't space them correctly it gives the reader a bad first impression.
INT.- EMMA’S BEDROOM- NIGHT´
should be
INT. EMMA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Give your characters an age. This is necessary.
TIM (O.S) is correct, but the one without a space TIM(O.S) and TIM(O.S.) pop up often and the script darks back and forth between them. Keep continuity on these things.
Don't overdo the parentheticals.
VICKI
(frantic)
What!? I didn’t write that! I swear
on everything I didn’t! Tim I swear-
VICKI
(pissed off)
I’m gonna kill that fucker! He
probably came in while I was passed
out and put that shit on there.
Here and there it's already obvious enough what kind of emotion the dialogue conveys. Use them sparingly.
Work on these things and making your action lines concise. After that submit a new draft and I'm sure the script will get a nicer welcome.
The character introductions before FADE IN is something I wouldn't recommend when you post scripts here. That's more for notes for yourself and for when/if the script gets purchased. The main thing you want to see is how your characters are perceived and your story understood from just the screenplay, not other external notes thrown on there.
Good luck with screenwriting, David.
- DS