Twisted by Ray Barbosa - Short, Thriller - A young girl hitches a ride to school with an apparent admirer. What comes next is a deadly ordeal that leaves them both utterly shocked. 10 pages - pdf, format 8)

Code In a strange p.o.v. we move towards the front door. As we approach the door we can see that it’s open. We continue through the house and we slowly come to the kitchen. As we turn a corner we’re suddenly shocked to see a man and a woman staring intensively at each other. We can’t tell what’s happening. They both have a surprised look on their face.

If you want the POV to be strange then you need to say why it is strange. I don't understand what you mean by strange POV.

You also need to change locations if you go from outside to in.

There also isn't any need to mention that we move towards the front door. Simply describe the front door as being ajar.

Don't tell the reader how to feel. You telling me that I am suddenly shocked, does not make me suddenly shocked, indeed it does the opposite.

You also shouldn't tell us that we can't tell what's happening. Obviously something is happening as we can see it.

Hey Ray!

The formatting, style and structure need work as has already been pointed out, it makes it hard to get through the first few pages as it's confusing.

However I stuck with it and read the whole thing. I appreciate the effort with this tale as you've tried to create some original twists but it's way too much to swallow.

Spoilers ahead!

Verona would have bolted as soon as she saw the knife. I know there's a reason but as we have to wait to the end to find out it's too much, the audience would bolt at this point instead. Then it really jumps the shark - Verona's a serial killer as well and she has to literally tell the audience this as they'd have no clue otherwise what's going on. Then we find out Jacob's an actor pracitising being a serial killer for a role, man it could almost be Scary Movie 6 or whatever number they are up to.  

I like that you are trying to think outside the box though and the banter between Jacob and Verona is decent so keep on writing. This could be a good little serial kill attempt gone wrong story.

Mark

Ray,
Take the above advice and run with it. Think like a methodical series of pictures and tell us only what you see happening and what your characters are saying.

Come up with a way where Veronica can't run away immediately and show the  audience her struggling (like an asthma inhaler or something) a stormy weather works well too.

The reveal and exchange are solid so gl

Tony

Hi Ray,

Not to jump on the bandwagon of negative points but the way this is written is uncomfortable to read. Make it Basic, there's no need for the "We" etc.
It's not a terrible story by any means it just needs to be written differently.  

Good luck with this.

Lee  

Sup man, since a lot has already been said on the style and format i tried to get into the story but it just didn't do it for me.

too many camera directions...needs to stop

good luck in the rewrite