When Angels Fall - Print Topic

Posted by: Don, August 16th, 2014, 6:35pm

When Angels Fall by Robert Barker - Sci Fi, Fantasy - A witch name Jade Meadows, battles demonic entities including Lillith, Lucifer, and Dracula. - html, format 8)

Posted by: Lono, October 8th, 2014, 1:27pm; Reply: 1

Robert,

You might want to save yur script file as a PDF. Readers on the site won't bother reading html.

The opening is really confusing for the reader.

Quoted Text

FADE IN:
We see all what Celia narrates.
"In the beginning, there was God. The one who created the heavens, the earth, and Hades. Thus, from the dust of the Earth came about Adam. The first perfect human man, until Lucifer infiltrated "The Garden of Eden"".
"During this time, Lucifer (the Morning Star)/right hand of God/ran the earth. Or at least he though he did, til Adam came about."
"Lilith, the first woman before Eve, was made from the dust of the earth like Adam. However, she had her own agenda."
"Lilith wanted dominance over Adam and felt that women should rule the Earth. Not man. Lilith left the Garden of Eden and sought out Lucifer, to gain support".
"Lilith and Lucifer became allies and created the Titans as well as other entities, that humanity fears. Except me."
"I'm Celia Thanatos. The angel of death. I battled the ancient evils and sent Lilith down to Hates where her soul deserved. As a third of the angels fell with Lucifer, I remained loyal to God".

Is this strictly narration? If it is character narration the character slug should appear over your blocks of narration like so: CELIA(V.O.)

You'll want to include some action If we are seeing what Celia narrates, The opening page is a little confusing but I see you have a grasp on the format the further down I go.

The biggest thing to do right now is change the file format to PDF. Best of luck

Lono

Posted by: DustinBowcot (Guest), October 9th, 2014, 2:36am; Reply: 2

I actually like the sound of this. Logline is shitty... but HTML is better than .doc I suppose. I like the opening narration, I know what you're going for, I think... you mean it is written as it is spoken? So, a rolling super, or something? Either way, best leave that to the director, or DP, or editor, whoever.

Reading on, it all seems a little too much like light fantasy for me. Not that you don't write very well. The initial characters don't seem like devil worshippers, but more like high school kids. This has a very Buffy feel to it. I didn't think I was meant to be taking it seriously until the twelve-year-old girl and the angelic bolt, or whatever it is. The angelic bolt is what sees me pass on this story.

However, lots of others will perhaps like this type of story. It is written well, and although a subject matter I enjoy, I prefer a darker take on things.