The Catch by Steven Clark - Short, Drama - Upon returning home to discover his son's lost in video game land, Steve realizes there's only one thing to do. 4 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Hey Steve - I had five spare and came across this, so gave it a read.

Michael doesn't answer, Steve comes closer.

--maybe Steve moves closer?

His shoes offer no help. I see what you're doing, but I don't think it works.

What this lacks is a bit of struggle (conflict), and there needs to be some debate between father & son. Michael says he has no friends and things like that need to be delved into - we need to wonder if Steve can convince his son to take the gamble and do something different - as it stand we go straight to pay-off (reward) without any heels being dug in - someone needs to learn something and someone needs to change, so all that needs to be woven in here or you're just avoiding they key to the story.

Simon,

Thanks for the read, sir. You make valid points here, and if I had wanted to go beyond two pages I would have addressed the lack of conflict to give the payoff more impact. But that wasnt what I was going for here. I kinda saw this as a TV commercial with a message. If you look at it that way I think it might work better. I don't know, but that's what I was going for. Thanks again for your time.

Steve

Hi Steve

The Horror fan in me wanted a dark reveal of where Mum and Daughter had experienced the downside of Michael's gaming obsession :-)

But it's well written and if you are going for Ad with a message then it definitey work... just don't expect Microsoft or Sony to come knocking.

Anthony

Anthony,

Thanks for your thoughts! There's always someone in the bunch who wants to see it go dark! ;D
A whole other can of worms. Again, this was something I wrote trying to keep myself sharp. I hope it works on some level.

Steve

Hi Steve,

I liked it. Maybe the son should be a little younger (say, 10 years old). A teen boy without friends would need something more than spending time with his father (if that's the message).

Sweet little story, though.

Manolis

Hi Steve,

My imagination is waaaaay too out there. I read the logline and thought this was going to be about the kid being literally lost in the video game, as in some sort of sci-fi thing like Tron.

So at first I was taken aback, but in the end it's a tale with a message for us all.

Personally I really liked the line 'His shoes offer no help.'

Mark  

Manolis,

Appreciate the read. I totally agree wirh you on the age of the boy. Makes sense.

Mark,

Message is what I was going for. I'm not really against gaming -- more involved with the parent's responsibility when warnings signs begin to show... Excess.

I liked the shoe line too. Thanks again.

Steve

Hey BUDDY!!!

Nice little piece you've got here and I could see it work for a commercial. I agree with Manolis on the age, but besides that good job.

Although I just think you need to flesh out your characters more ;D

Mark

On another note ;D

LOL!!! The best part is when the kid goes - "I stepped in dogshit!"

I'm laughing now, but a part of me is thinking this is very disturbing, on both counts. The father and son. Obviously, gaming is this kids life. But... I don't know. To shred those games like that, document it... A little disturbing.

Where do you find this stuff, bro???

Hey Steve-

Nice message piece, w/a couple suggestions-

If a 14 yr old boy had no friends, wouldn't his father know that and not mention it?

Also, if Michael is an "average kid", IMO it doesn't fit that he has no friends. It might play better if he has some blue spiked hair, an earring, and black attire. Show him as a loner without him having to say it. Could be a very cool image of a boy with that appearance having a catch with his square father.

The backyard "catch" is a solid conclusion, but maybe Steven could get him outside without just the ask (as parents, we both know that it usually takes more). He secretly pulls a breaker switch and the power goes out?

Anyway, enjoyed it.

This one doesn't cut it for me, mate. Just not enough meat to tickle my fancy. As said by someone above there is very little conflict.

Well written though... no issues there.

Bogey,

That's some good advice right there. The boy with the spiked hair having a catch with his dad. That would certainly add to it, I think. Thanks.

Dustin,

Thanks for the read, as always. I know there's not much meat here. Wasnt really my intention with this one.

Steve

Hi Steve,

A well written script but I just failed to see the message here. I felt it lacked a little passion, maybe a different approach on the father son relationship?

Lee

Steven

I appreciate the sentiment here but it does feel rather simplistic. Kid plays too many games because he has no friends so father takes him outside to play catch, not much more to be said really.

It almost feels like a public service ad for model parenting or “noticing the signs that your kid is lonely/depressed/isolated, etc”. ;)

Its only two pages so I don’t know what I was expecting.

I was also wondering what happened to the mother and sister...cue ominous music...to be revealed in the sequel perhaps ;)

Col.

Quoted from Lee A well written script but I just failed to see the message here. I felt it lacked a little passion, maybe a different approach on the father son relationship?

Lee,

I believe the message is simple and clear. If you're a parent you might see it right away. Like Col said -- it's recognizing the signs that a child might be in trouble, or headed for it. It's a parent's responsibility to intervene any way possible. Here, I used a simple act of having a catch as a way for a parent to connect with his child.

Thanks for the read, Lee!

Quoted from Col It almost feels like a public service ad for model parenting or “noticing the signs that your kid is lonely/depressed/isolated, etc”.

Exactly. And this is how I've been marketing this piece because there's simply not enough flesh on the bones for it to work as a real story, hence the message being direct or simplistic.

Quoted from Col I was also wondering what happened to the mother and sister...cue ominous music...to be revealed in the sequel perhaps

A few people have mentioned that, but rest assured, mother is most likely running errands and sister, perhaps, is at soccer practice!  No need to go dark here. Although I can certainly see the fun in it.   ;D

Thanks for the read,

Steve