Juice by Wayne Moore - Short, Drama - Juice is about to turn eight, her parents want her gone due to pressures on there business and marriage. Her mother, leaves her in a park and a street bum takes her under his wings, only to end up in prison for defending her. 31 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Wayne,

Errors in a logline that isn't a logline but a short synopsis. Not a good start.

ACT ONE? Is this a stage play?

Poor character introductions and very generic names.

Character names in CAPS all the time. One character is called Julie (A.K.A Juice)!!!

The action is like trying to describe to a robot how humans operate E.G. FRED gets up and grabs JULES by the shoulders, with both hands. One on each shoulder.

Did he breath as well?

Sorry for the harshness and the sarcasm but this was all on page 1. There's no way I can get through 31 pages of that. I would suggest you get hold of some screenwriting books or tutorials on the internet, there's plenty of free stuff to get you started. I'd also suggest reading lots of different scripts and as you are writing your own, compare each section with produced scripts to see how they handle similar areas.

Spruce up on the basics as well. Like when to use their instead of there and when to use commas instead of full stops. It will make it much easier to get people to read your work.

Regards,

Mark

It's true what they say about loglines,  you sometimes need not look further!  :)