My First Bank Robbery by Edrick Joel Magambo - Thriller, Heist - A deported ex-con stages the first ever successful robbery on the country's top most bank. 96 pages - pdf, format 8)

After reading 2 pages I already like it although this:

DON(V.O)
God bless America. The only country that does laundry for its prisoners.

.. is not true.

Going to read some more tomorrow.

They do the laundry in UK prisons too.


I had a read and this on the first page took me out:

Code Don gets up, grabs a few stuff on his bed, hugs his buddy.

If an error like that is on the first page, I don't hold out much hope for the rest of the script. But then, I'm just a writer. I'm not looking to make this into a film, so what I say doesn't count for anything.

Here is an example of a logline that tells too much and still doesn't explain the stakes. So he robs a bank that's never been robbed before.  Big deal. Not to mention how can a guy who is deported still be in the country to rob the bank. Or why any of that is even important.  

The dialog needs some rehearsal. Read some of the earlier exchanges out loud. I don't even know what this means:

"My mother often said that a good impression comes with an introduction first. I granted her a pig's ass most times..."

Tony

"My mother often said that a good impression comes with an introduction first. I granted her a pig's ass most times..."

Fuck knows what this means, but it works for me hahaha, good work :)

I get it now, still funny lol :)

Quoted from AtholForsyth I get it now, still funny lol :)

I'm intrigued. What does it mean?

Quoted from Anon I'm intrigued. What does it mean?

It means that if you can't clearly communicate something in a V. O.  then "Houston, we got a problem!" :P

Page  2/3

DON(CONT'D)
(vo)


DON (V.O) CONT'D)

Page 3

"The second car's door opens and comes out the two men to the warden."

I'm Dutch but Is this some sort of slang?

Page 3

PRISON WARDEN
Of course. You must as well know that your prisoner is a very big threat to your country's security.
Somehow this sound off and is on the nose.

Page 5

ON RYAN: Walking towards us.

becomes

ON RYAN
as he walks towards us.

"us?" What is "us" ? the audience that is looking at him on the big screen. Use the CAMERA{Having said that I still have to get rid of 'we see" and "we hear" (and the unfilmables) on page five of "The Gavel".}

Page 4

FADE TO BLACK.

DON (V.O.) (CONT'D)

The security was tight-ass there. They helped me though. Considering a free air ticket on the Embassy budget because if all goes well... I'm yet to realize my dream.

      SUPERIMPOSE:

                   "FOUR YEARS LATER"

FADE IN:

EXT. ROADSIDE. KAMPALA, UGANDA - DAY

TIGHT ON a stationery black caldina.

Ok read up to page 10.

Too many V.O. explaining people/situations --very on the nose!!

Going to read some more if you react...