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Posted by: Don, September 6th, 2014, 7:39am
Broadcast by Howard Jensen (colkurtz8) - Short, Drama - An aging DJ is deemed surplus to requirements while a young couple go through a crisis. 20 pages - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: DS, September 6th, 2014, 10:49am; Reply: 1
Hey Col:

This was refreshing. A feel-good story about love and it really delivers. I've always liked the "addicted to their job" angle and it fit in really well here. Felt for Dusty straight from the opening pages. His character reminded me of a radio host in Estonia, where I live. I don't listen to the radio, but during some visits to the countryside this summer, the radio was on and I caught a program called... well it would be "rock fart" in translation a few times. It's an expression in Estonian for an old man who's obsessed with Rock. ;) The host was clearly the old school type, really passionate about it and spit facts out after another. His knowledge of the subject was impressive, along with that passion it just made you want to keep listening.

Loved the "full of beans" quote. All the characters seemed realistic and I liked all of them. I didn't care for the young couple for a good part of the script, but I warmed to them in the end, especially because of how the story tied together. I like how you didn't make the station managers antagonists. Max had some good lines too. You did especially great with the dialogue here in my opinion.

I wasn't fond of the ghost wife at first, but then I realised that how much it adds to the love story. The exchange between Edna and Dusty also started to carry a lot of weight for me. The subconscious internal voice with the truth and Dusty clinging on to his job.

I think music can really add to a film. I plan to get back to this and listen to all of the songs brought out during another read and experience this script to the fullest. I've only heard one song you listed which is Dylan's Simple Twist of Fate which I thought fit in here incredibly well. I googled "I got it bad and that ain't good" to see about the ending meaning and if there is one I didn't get it. I don't think that song fits in at all actually. Maybe there wasn't supposed to be an extra meaning with the ending song, I don't know. But I think that there should be.

I didn't like Edna putting the needle in the groove. I wanted to see her as his imagination (mainly because of the exchange between them I brought out above) and that took me out of it.


Quoted Text


P7:  "Edna is no longer lies beside him."

P11: "Polly crosses her legs, seductively finger a napkin" fingers.

P13: Wrong name. Jay instead of Max.



Am I right in thinking that there is absolutely no chance this will ever get made? The amount of money necessary for using a song on the screen... I've heard some horror stories.


- DS
Posted by: TonyDionisio, September 6th, 2014, 11:31am; Reply: 2
Hey Howard,

I wandered about page 8, sorry. I'm not connected to the music -  maybe that had something to do with it,  i dunno. Writing is polished,  however.  

Gl with the script

Tony
Posted by: AnthonyCawood, September 7th, 2014, 5:42am; Reply: 3
Hi Howard

Think I owe you a read or seven ;-)

I thought this was really evocative and loved the use of sound/songs as a thematic to intertwine the two strands.

As DS points out, might make it difficult to film due to getting rights. But, I guess not necessarily impossible. Fingers crossed.

The characters and situations felt real to me, Dusty in particular shone through.

I had two piece that didn;t work quite as well for me
- Dusty and the gun, I didn't think there'd been enough resentment established for him to kill himself on air, whilst doing the job he loves... just a thought.
- There's a lot cutting between very short scenes, e.g. pages 13 and 14 have 15 scenes/shots it might make for an overly staccato rythm in those sections.

Overall though I enjoyed it and the writing was strong.

Anthony
Posted by: colkurtz8, September 7th, 2014, 9:30am; Reply: 4
DS

Thanks for taking the time and your detailed thoughts, much appreciated, friend.


Quoted from DS
A feel-good story about love and it really delivers.


- Its is definitely one of the more "happy" scripts I've written. In that it ends on a seemingly positive, upbeat note...but I wouldn't call it a completely feel-good story. Although, I totally understand if that's the impression you would get. What I mean is, Dusty is basically back where he started, in that he is back in the comfort of his delusion of still having Edna around. I wanted to give the impression that although the beauty and love of music can bring people together, help those that are stricken, even mend relationships, it also assists Dusty in re-establishing the figment of his imagination (Edna) Is that a good thing? I dunno. Maybe losing his job might have been the best thing that could've happened to him if he had chose to use it as a spring board to start a new chapter in his life, free from the trappings of a past trauma...but of course most of us will retreat back into our memories and fantasies to derive comfort. And thatís understandable too, itís the easy way out. Dusty chooses this path.


Quoted from DS
I've always liked the "addicted to their job" angle and it fit in really well here. Felt for Dusty straight from the opening pages. His character reminded me of a radio host in Estonia, where I live. I don't listen to the radio, but during some visits to the countryside this summer, the radio was on and I caught a program called... well it would be "rock fart" in translation a few times. It's an expression in Estonian for an old man who's obsessed with Rock. ;) The host was clearly the old school type, really passionate about it and spit facts out after another. His knowledge of the subject was impressive, along with that passion it just made you want to keep listening.


- Cool, glad you were able to draw some parallels with a real life guy. He does fit that stereotype of the enthusiastic old fashioned, music lover alright. Ha, I dig the "Rock Fart" nickname, pretty much sums him up although he is more of a jazzy guy ;)


Quoted from DS
I like how you didn't make the station managers antagonists. Max had some good lines too.


- Thanks. When Dusty was rambling on, getting all philosophical and that I wanted it to be emotional, heartfelt and honest but I also realised that it could be just as easily be deemed hammy and sentimental. Thatís Maxís role, he is the voice of the cynic, the guy whoíll roll his eyes rather then bring a tear to them. He needed to be there so the reaction would be balanced between respect for Dusty and derision at his mawkishness.


Quoted from DS
I wasn't fond of the ghost wife at first, but then I realised that how much it adds to the love story. The exchange between Edna and Dusty also started to carry a lot of weight for me. The subconscious internal voice with the truth and Dusty clinging on to his job.


- Ya, I hoped readers would pick up on Edna's seemingly on-the-nose dialogue when she first appears and consider it unreal or clunky...only when you find out that she is in Dusty's imagination does it start to make more sense.


Quoted from DS
I've only heard one song you listed which is Dylan's Simple Twist of Fate which I thought fit in here incredibly well.


- Ya, maybe too well I dunno. Itís in my top 5 Dylan songs and Iím a huge fan so I wanted to put it in there. ;)


Quoted from DS
I googled "I got it bad and that ain't good" to see about the ending meaning and if there is one I didn't get it. I don't think that song fits in at all actually. Maybe there wasn't supposed to be an extra meaning with the ending song, I don't know. But I think that there should be.


- Such a beautiful song. Itís actually on ďThe Big LebowskiĒ soundtrack. In the film, it plays over the post ďcoitusĒ scene between the The Dude and Maud in bed and he talks about his past as roadie. Iím really glad you brought this up too as it relates to what I said earlier about this not being an entirely happy ending. The song is about loving someone even when itís not good for you which correlates with Dustyís undying love for his deceased wife almost to a fault since it prevents him from moving on.


Quoted from DS
I didn't like Edna putting the needle in the groove. I wanted to see her as his imagination (mainly because of the exchange between them I brought out above) and that took me out of it.


- Interesting point and I see what you mean. I figured since itís all in Dustyís head he just imagines Edna putting the needle on the groove as if she is playing her part, however small, in helping him regain his old life. Itís more symbolic than anything. I wonder if I had Dusty in that particular scene too, beside her as she starts the record? I think it is significant that we see her do it though since she is the main reason why Dusty is continuing to live, to work, to love and appreciate music.


Quoted from DS
Am I right in thinking that there is absolutely no chance this will ever get made? The amount of money necessary for using a song on the screen... I've heard some horror stories.


- Totally, I never wrote this with the intention of getting it made. When an idea for a script comes to me, I do try to keep it within logical production parameters but I donít let it stop me writing something either if itís going to fall outside those boundaries. If its wroth writing Iíll write it. Most of these songs are pretty old though so maybe they are in the public domain, I never checked. Either way, itís safe to say that if this was ever to be made, the music would invariable change.

Thanks again for your comments and the few typos you picked up too.


Tony

Thanks for making the attempt and I appreciate your honesty, cheers.

Col.
Posted by: Angry Bear, September 7th, 2014, 11:03am; Reply: 5
I was going to do page by page notes, but there wasn't really anything to write notes about. I think you did great here with this story. It could be a little shorter. Not much, but a little. I found myself thinking it should move along just a tad faster when I was somewhere near the end of the middle or so. I don't think it would hurt to have this two pages or so shorter.

The story was well written and I appreciated some of your word usages. My only gripe would be what was IMHO the misuse of continuous and later in your slugs, but I'm not expert so take that with a grain of salt.

The story was nice and bitter sweet. A couple of things I questioned while reading was, did Janet just kiss someone else or have sex with him? Seems to me she only kissed him, in which case, running off and considering going to a motel with a hooker seems a bit over reacting.

Also, why would Dusty throw away all those old albums and the near perfect condition record player. Those are worth money these days and I thought Dusty would definitely know this. Even if he's considering taking his own life, IMO, a real collector and lover of those things would never toss them in the garbage.

Where did Dusty get his gun from? I know they're easy to get, but somehow, Dusty didn't come across as someone who keeps a gun under his pillow. People who aren't used to guns tend to be afraid of them. I can't imagine one having one under a pillow.

When Janet called Dusty at the station and somehow his station was playing at the diner where Wes happened to be, I knew where this was heading.

Just a few thoughts. Other than that, I think you did a great job.

Oh, and I appreciated that there a lot fewer ...  than there was in Pecking Order.

:)

Page 1.   Great mix of Dusty's radio voice and Janet's and Wes'.








Posted by: LeeOConnor, September 7th, 2014, 12:42pm; Reply: 6
I really enjoyed this. I found it fresh and a pleasure to read.
As stated, Dusty stuck out a mile, I really felt for him.

Good luck with this.

Lee
Posted by: colkurtz8, September 7th, 2014, 3:27pm; Reply: 7
Anthony


Quoted from AnthonyCawood
Think I owe you a read or seven ;-)


- No hassle, don't feel obligated, I never have a problem reading stuff from active members.


Quoted from AnthonyCawood
I thought this was really evocative and loved the use of sound/songs as a thematic to intertwine the two strands.


- Cool, glad that worked for you.


Quoted from AnthonyCawood
As DS points out, might make it difficult to film due to getting rights. But, I guess not necessarily impossible. Fingers crossed.


- Nah, it would be virtually impossible or at least not worth the trouble.


Quoted from AnthonyCawood
- Dusty and the gun, I didn't think there'd been enough resentment established for him to kill himself on air, whilst doing the job he loves... just a thought.


- It is an extreme measure alright but this is a man with (in his eyes) has no reason to exist now. Once he loses his job, his illusion of Edna becomes impossible also, he can't bring himself to face her. Also, there is the influence of the film "Network" on him too. I made sure to specify that he puts in the DVD to suggest that he owns the film and loves it (I do ;)) He sees Howard Beale as a martyr for his kind, the shunned employee cast on to the scrapheap, deemed expendable. Of course Beale is shot by the studio in the film (though he does threaten to do it himself near the beginning) so Dusty goes one better and controls his own destiny by pulling the trigger himself. There is the case of Christine Chubbuck doing it back in the 70s too.


Quoted from AnthonyCawood
- There's a lot cutting between very short scenes, e.g. pages 13 and 14 have 15 scenes/shots it might make for an overly staccato rythm in those sections.


- I take your point. Although, think of films nowadays with their MTV style editing popularized by someone like Tony Scott or James Wan. Eroding attention spans demand this so I don't think the cutting here would be a problem on screen, audiences are used to it, itís the norm now.  Here, since its cutting between two concurrent stories it gets busy thus the rapid scene changes reflect this. Plus, a couple of them are just inserts. All I can do is make it readable on the page and easy to follow while conveying the visuals. Think of it as one big montage ;)

Thanks again for taking the time.


Pia

Always nice to get a read from one of the siteís elder statespersons ;) Thank you.


Quoted from Angry Bear
I was going to do page by page notes, but there wasn't really anything to write notes about. I think you did great here with this story. It could be a little shorter. Not much, but a little. I found myself thinking it should move along just a tad faster when I was somewhere near the end of the middle or so. I don't think it would hurt to have this two pages or so shorter.


- It could be, maybe itís all the scenes going back and forth or Dustyís verbose character. I always imagined it not being as long as the page count suggests. Although, the song cues would add some time too so it would probably balance out. Anyway, I think itís fair to say the majority of films could do with being shorter ;)


Quoted from Angry Bear
The story was well written and I appreciated some of your word usages. My only gripe would be what was IMHO the misuse of continuous and later in your slugs, but I'm not expert so take that with a grain of salt.


- Really, I always take care with slugs and make sure they are not confusing or misleading.


Quoted from Angry Bear
The story was nice and bitter sweet. A couple of things I questioned while reading was, did Janet just kiss someone else or have sex with him? Seems to me she only kissed him, in which case, running off and considering going to a motel with a hooker seems a bit over reacting.


- She only kissed him and yes Wes going off with a hooker would be extreme but he never did it and I made sure to not give any definite indication that he was going to. He probably appreciated the attention and the company of Polly when she approaches him and may have, for a split second, entertained the idea as the ultimate fu?k you to Janet for her betrayal but I donít think he would've actually gone through with it. Janetís request and subsequent song just helped push him in the direction of reconciliation a little quicker. I do believe they would've gotten over this bump in their relationship with or without Dustyís influence. It was just the notion of temptation rearing its head for Wes when he was at a particularly vulnerable time which interested me.


Quoted from Angry Bear
Also, why would Dusty throw away all those old albums and the near perfect condition record player. Those are worth money these days and I thought Dusty would definitely know this. Even if he's considering taking his own life, IMO, a real collector and lover of those things would never toss them in the garbage.


- Of course you are right in everything you say but itís more a symbol of how far he is gone, how pointless he considers his existence to be. The vinyl represent that old life, the satisfying job, the loving wife. Itís more like a cleansing process for him at this stage.


Quoted from Angry Bear
Where did Dusty get his gun from? I know they're easy to get, but somehow, Dusty didn't come across as someone who keeps a gun under his pillow. People who aren't used to guns tend to be afraid of them. I can't imagine one having one under a pillow.


- Good question and I was waiting for someone to ask it. I figured since Edna was killed in a home invasion (as mentioned to Max on page 9), that Dusty would keep a weapon in the house as a precaution for fear of it happening again. Thatís why itís under his pillow. Its the reason for the locks on the door as well. Notice how he only locks them on the first and third nights when Edna is "there" but doesn't bother on the second day when she has "left" him.


Quoted from Angry Bear
When Janet called Dusty at the station and somehow his station was playing at the diner where Wes happened to be, I knew where this was heading.


- It does come together rather smoothly alright, contrivance central over here! ;) But hey thatís the power of music!


Quoted from Angry Bear
Oh, and I appreciated that there a lot fewer ...  than there was in Pecking Order.


- Ha, I stand by my use of Ö expect a lot more Ö in future script I may post hereÖ;)Ö


Quoted from Angry Bear
Page 1.   Great mix of Dusty's radio voice and Janet's and Wes'.


- Cheers.

Thanks again for taking the time, Pia, much appreciated.


Lee

Thanks for checking this out, glad you responded to Dusty.

Col.
Posted by: Reef Dreamer, September 7th, 2014, 3:43pm; Reply: 8
Hey Col,

Only seems like yesterday I was reading a new script of yours.....err....it was I think.

As ever you handle scripts with an assured touch. Not alway easy to put a finger on how, or why this is better than most, but you do. You don't over stay your welcome, and keep the scenes connected. Nice writing and use of words as well - I try to take note.

It makes your work stand out. I like the way you try to weave concurrent, or different time zone scenes togther like a...searches for the writer words...oh you know.

This time I have read other comments first. Don't know why, just did. Back to story, my comments are - sorry I didn't take notes so these are my reflections...

1) page length - I agree with Pia this feels like a shorter script. If you up the stakes at the beginning this may be this would change the feel.

2) dusty and the gun - I understand why, it just felt a tad off. Difficult to say why. If he hadn't drunk in 30 years, but opened a bottle, we would get the same feeling of self destruction etc

3) Edna - I liked this angle but not sure about him mentioning it. She could be useful in showing change. As a static situation , ie Edna just being there, I suppose it shows consistency but it also, to me, evokes an unreal situation. Someone who is lost, trapped.?? Needs to change?

4) I would stress the connection that the young coupe, have with his show - may be a shared link, how they met etc this would give credibility to the pay off.

Theme

Is it acceptance ? Dusty needs to move on. Wes needs to accept?

Is it honesty? Honest music, honest talk etc.the new radio folk aren't honest at the station and that's the difference

Is it love - the wrap all concept. What we do for it etc?

Standing back, we all have to go, we all have to change. Edna's gone. The station needs to change. But...does that mean we don't have value, we can't still connect. But what is the value?

I offer a few options for thought...

Dusty, say after a Drink, realises he's got to change, but still wants to carry on. He lives/loves music. It's his soul, it's what people live to hear from him.
Edna says he must keep the albums - he realises this is part of his problem, he's living a past, a fake past. Love sets you free, not holds you back.
He tells listeners he's off - does anybody else want him?
The girl rings up says how much she needs him, explains about her husband - who loaners - dusty plays the right song
Another radio station offer him a role.
The new management offer him to stay, he refuses - moves on.
He sits back down one night, puts on a soulful tune, on the computer this time  - he's moved on
Edna could still sit in her chair listening - I always knew you had it in you etc - a spiritual connection still there. Change doesn't lose everything.

Sorry, for a load of thoughts. I did enjoy this and I applaud the craft.

All the best.
Posted by: Angry Bear, September 7th, 2014, 8:51pm; Reply: 9

Quoted from colkurtz8
Anthony
Always nice to get a read from one of the siteís elder statespersons ;) Thank you.

WHAT?????? I'm the fucking Joe Biden of SS?????

;D
Posted by: rendevous, September 7th, 2014, 9:09pm; Reply: 10
Better that than the Dick Cheney of SS.

R
Posted by: khamanna, September 8th, 2014, 2:24am; Reply: 11
Hey, Howard.

I really enjoyed it. I think the slow build up made it shine.
A few thoughts:
for me Turner's change of hearts was a bit sudden. So, I'd think you need more there.
Also, Dusty planning to shoot himself - it looked like he was going to do it right into the microphone. I don't know if he was, he's not the kind of man who would upset his fans this badly, but that's what it look like from the way it's narrated. I'd advise to change that, as Dusty comes of as a cold prick in this case. And I'm pretty sure he's not.

Edna, I know she left and all, but she put him down very badly on p5. She talked about Dusty not being able to carry on for so long - I just wanted to strangle her. It's like she made him reach for that gun. And that weakens the ending as I don't want to see Dusty with Edna anymore and I think I should want them together. So, I suggest you make changes to that part as well.

And lastly, did we get a shot of Wes calling Janet, or them together? I'd want to see them to gether. Maybe just me. Or maybe I missed that part.

A load of comments - strange - I did enjoy it thouroughly.
Posted by: colkurtz8, September 8th, 2014, 7:33am; Reply: 12
Bill


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Only seems like yesterday I was reading a new script of yours.....err....it was I think.


- So you did! And thank you very much for doing so.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
1) page length - I agree with Pia this feels like a shorter script. If you up the stakes at the beginning this may be this would change the feel.


- When I outlined this I forecast-ed it to come in under 15 pages but when I wrote it, I was left with 22 pages or something and got it down to 20. Yeah it could be shorter and I tried to keep it as lean as possible but didn't want to sacrifice the storytelling either. Length is always an issue with me, it seems like I'm forever trying to lose pages.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
2) dusty and the gun - I understand why, it just felt a tad off. Difficult to say why. If he hadn't drunk in 30 years, but opened a bottle, we would get the same feeling of self destruction etc


- As I said to Pia, this is the thought process of a man who has lost his reason for existence. Plus there is the influence of "Network" on him too. In particular Howard Beale who Dusty sees as his silver screen inspiration, although Beale worked on the small screen ;) Also, the taking-to-drink direction has been done a million times before, including in my own scripts. I liked the idea of Dusty drawing parallels between Beale and himself.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
3) Edna - I liked this angle but not sure about him mentioning it. She could be useful in showing change. As a static situation , ie Edna just being there, I suppose it shows consistency but it also, to me, evokes an unreal situation. Someone who is lost, trapped.?? Needs to change?


- I take it you mean Dusty's "I felt unworthy" line, right? I could probably go without specifying that but it is the only line that explicitly refers to Dusty's need and reasoning for Edna's presence, it sums it up. Perhaps I should have more faith in the reader's ability to join the dots.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
4) I would stress the connection that the young coupe, have with his show - may be a shared link, how they met etc this would give credibility to the pay off.


- I liked the conflict of Janet liking Dustyís program but Wes hating it. I can recognize why someone like Dusty with his nostalgia trips and overt enthusiasm could annoy people too. Wes is one of these people. It also adds a bit of tension in the opening scenes when Dustyís chattering away in the background adds to Wes's already pis?ed off mood. The payoff is more got to do with the power of music and what it can do in changing people but also provide a refuge for those who want to remain where they are. They was the original notions I wanted to explore when coming up with this.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Is it acceptance ? Dusty needs to move on. Wes needs to accept?

Is it honesty? Honest music, honest talk etc.the new radio folk aren't honest at the station and that's the difference

Is it love - the wrap all concept. What we do for it etc?


- These are part of it and all inform one another, especially with Dusty and I'm glad you pointed that out. Dusty really needs to get his head right which is why I don't think the ending is entirely happy.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Standing back, we all have to go, we all have to change. Edna's gone. The station needs to change. But...does that mean we don't have value, we can't still connect. But what is the value?


- True, the element of change and moving on play into what you mentioned above and Dusty's reluctance to do this on a number of levels. Janet's reaching out to him through his program was a way to show he still has meaning and relevance and which is what ultimately pulls him away from the precipice. Itís a simple message but one that can be all important to someone at a certain stage of their life, to prove they still have something to offer. This ties in to Dusty's "relationship" with Edna's spirit too, he needs to feel worthy in her eyes in order to earn the right to communicate with her.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Dusty, say after a Drink, realises he's got to change, but still wants to carry on. He lives/loves music. It's his soul, it's what people live to hear from him.
Edna says he must keep the albums - he realises this is part of his problem, he's living a past, a fake past. Love sets you free, not holds you back.
He tells listeners he's off - does anybody else want him?
The girl rings up says how much she needs him, explains about her husband - who loaners - dusty plays the right song
Another radio station offer him a role.
The new management offer him to stay, he refuses - moves on.
He sits back down one night, puts on a soulful tune, on the computer this time  - he's moved on
Edna could still sit in her chair listening - I always knew you had it in you etc - a spiritual connection still there. Change doesn't lose everything.


- Some great suggestions in there, cheers. I think Edna is part of his past so keeping the records goes along with that. If Edna suggested he get rid of them, she is, in a way, saying to put her behind him as well. They go hand in hand, one is representative of the other. I liked the idea of Dusty not giving the station a definite answer whether he will come back or not, that was important to me. Maybe Dusty just wanted to justify himself to Edna which Janet and the other callers achieved. Plus, when Mr. Turner talks about "bouncing around ideas" I entertained the notion that they might pitch an Agony Uncle type show to him where he would take calls and help people with their problems. Made me laugh anyway ;)

I love your idea of him playing songs on the computer to show his "moving on" but this is a celebration of the past, vintage music and the vintage ideals that go along with it. But more importantly, I wanted to leave that bittersweet taste in the ending of yeah, Dusty has been shown he still matters, he can face Edna again but he is still living within his delusion. I recognized that some people were quick to say itís too sentimental and schmaltzy to which I was quick to point out that itís far from that. There is a caveat here. I guess itís my aversion to complete and utter positive endings. This is the best you're gonna get from me ;)


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Sorry, for a load of thoughts. I did enjoy this and I applaud the craft.


- Its all good, man, the more ideas thrown around the more chances I get to learn and improve. Thank you, sir.



Quoted from Angry Bear

WHAT?????? I'm the fucking Joe Biden of SS?????

;D


- Nah, I was thinking more along the lines of fucking Dan Quayle!


Khamanna

Thanks for checking this out.


Quoted from khamanna
for me Turner's change of hearts was a bit sudden. So, I'd think you need more there.


- Fair point but as I said to Bill above I don't specify what ideas Turner and Quinn have been discussing. Who knows what they have in store for him. Itís never confirmed that they're going to let Dusty keep his job just because he got a few callers saying how much they enjoy his program.


Quoted from khamanna
Also, Dusty planning to shoot himself - it looked like he was going to do it right into the microphone. I don't know if he was, he's not the kind of man who would upset his fans this badly, but that's what it look like from the way it's narrated. I'd advise to change that, as Dusty comes of as a cold prick in this case. And I'm pretty sure he's not.


- Yeah, it was going to be his swansong. Selfish maybe but at this point Dusty thinks he has no listener-ship, no worth, no reason left to be around. Plus, he's a big fan of Network, with Howard Beale being his hero. I acknowledge that this won't really work if you're not familiar with the film. Itís in my top 3 of all time.


Quoted from khamanna
Edna, I know she left and all, but she put him down very badly on p5. She talked about Dusty not being able to carry on for so long - I just wanted to strangle her. It's like she made him reach for that gun. And that weakens the ending as I don't want to see Dusty with Edna anymore and I think I should want them together. So, I suggest you make changes to that part as well.


- I'm glad you brought this up and I see your point. However (although it isn't apparent then as we only find out she's dead on page 9) this is Dusty's interpretation of how Edna feels about him, its all a projection of Dusty's inadequacy, how useless and unworthy he feels before Edna (real of otherwise) without his job. I wanted readers to dislike Edna from that scene and be wondering why she is being so cold and unsympathetic. Only later, when we find out she is a figment of Dusty's imagination, that we understand why she spoke in that manner. Your response is totally natural and I agree with you, it was my intention.


Quoted from khamanna
And lastly, did we get a shot of Wes calling Janet, or them together? I'd want to see them to gether. Maybe just me. Or maybe I missed that part.


- No, because Wes is away at work all week so they don't get a chance to share a scene face to face. I hoped Wes making the phone call to Janet would be enough to indicate reconciliation. Plus, the fact that Janet phoned Dusty's station to thank him for helping her suggests they made up.

Thanks so much for taking the time, really appreciate it.

Col.
Posted by: Reef Dreamer, September 9th, 2014, 2:04am; Reply: 13
Hey col

All the best with this.

I can totally appreciate your desire to write the script you have in mind. I often get useful comments from others but it's not the script I want to write.

A couple small things, suggestions etc

Gun - if you go down this route I would agree it needs a to be a little clearer when he intends to use this. A bit of mystery is good but I recall being unsure about what I was seeing. A re read may help but you may care to check this. I also wonder whether you could make it a poignant gun. His dad's, or one used by someone famous etc something which further reconnects with a 'golden time'

Radio. - I also understand, and like, the idea of Wes not liking the station. I haven't re read the script but perhaps he could make that comment to her, yet once in the dinner asks for it to be turned up - it could show an underlying need to re connect. Otherwise, it does feel a tad unlikely that one radio station is playing, he happens to be there and hear it etc and the message gets through - I know this is film and we can accept things but a little more connection may help

All the best
Posted by: colkurtz8, September 9th, 2014, 7:03am; Reply: 14

Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Gun - if you go down this route I would agree it needs a to be a little clearer when he intends to use this. A bit of mystery is good but I recall being unsure about what I was seeing. A re read may help but you may care to check this. I also wonder whether you could make it a poignant gun. His dad's, or one used by someone famous etc something which further reconnects with a 'golden time'


- In his speech before playing the Dylan song, he says this is his first and last song of the program and that its his last show. So, in other words, his last ever song. He then readies the gun on his lap so the impression I wanted to give was that he was gonna do it once the song was finished, as if it was his funeral song.

Good suggestion about the gun. Khamanna wondered why he had it in the first place which is because of the home invasion that killed Edna so because of that back-story it sort of has to be a new gun, purchased in haste on the back of such a tragedy. Like Khamanna, I don't see Dusty as keeping a gun normally but circumstance has forced him to.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Radio. - I also understand, and like, the idea of Wes not liking the station. I haven't re read the script but perhaps he could make that comment to her, yet once in the dinner asks for it to be turned up - it could show an underlying need to re connect. Otherwise, it does feel a tad unlikely that one radio station is playing, he happens to be there and hear it etc and the message gets through - I know this is film and we can accept things but a little more connection may help


- Wes does verbalize his dislike of Dusty's constant upbeat tone during his fight with Janet at the beginning  and switches off the radio. When it comes on in the diner, he initially frowns upon hearing Dusty's voice which changes once he hears Janet's request while totally ignoring Polly's advances. And yes, I can't argue with it being a major coincidence but I needed to find a way for Wes to hear Janet's plea as he obviously wouldn't be listening to it in his truck.

Thanks again for your further comments. I owe you, bud.

Col.
Posted by: stevemiles, September 10th, 2014, 4:30am; Reply: 15
Col,

Like the use of music/radio to connect these strangers in their moment of crisis.  Thought the moment Dusty reconnects Janet and Wes was well handled -- though for me it was also the first time I really felt for them as characters.

A couple areas stood out to me -- nothing major, just a couple thoughts/observations.

I wonder if you should focus more on Dustyís state of mind as the driver for his dismissal over the stationís new direction.  Bringing the issue to the fore would allow for more relevance in the reveal of his loss and the Ďghostí he carries around.  Youíve two viable reasons to push him over the edge and though they compliment each other, the Edna angle feels secondary though perhaps more pertinent to the story and understanding Dustyís character.

Took a while to warm to Wes and Janet.  Their dialogue at the outset of the break-up felt a little too familiar.  Though sparse as it is, I think you could look at paring it down further, to the bare essentials, and let their actions and Dustyís V.O. guide the reader.

Not to give you the impression I didn't take anything from this -- think the idea is a sound one.  Best of luck from here.

Steve.
Posted by: IamGlenn, September 10th, 2014, 5:03am; Reply: 16
Howard,

I love how this is done, with the music accompanying the story.

The story is a touching one. Really, it had me reading on and hoping everything would work out for ol' Dusty. Not many scripts are as easy to read and make you want to keep flicking the pages to find out what happens. Very good writing.

Dusty was a great character. The Wes and Janet story was a good inclusion to show how important Dusty was to some people no matter what the "Suits" think. And the Edna story was touching.

Brilliant little story.
Good luck with it.

Glenn
Posted by: colkurtz8, September 11th, 2014, 6:36am; Reply: 17
Steve

Thanks for checking this out, much appreciated.


Quoted from stevemiles
Thought the moment Dusty reconnects Janet and Wes was well handled -- though for me it was also the first time I really felt for them as characters.


- Yeah its hard to warm to Janet and Wes since they are in the middle of a fight. One has been deceitful while the other is pissed off so we're not seeing them at their best.


Quoted from stevemiles
I wonder if you should focus more on Dustyís state of mind as the driver for his dismissal over the stationís new direction.  Bringing the issue to the fore would allow for more relevance in the reveal of his loss and the Ďghostí he carries around.  Youíve two viable reasons to push him over the edge and though they compliment each other, the Edna angle feels secondary though perhaps more pertinent to the story and understanding Dustyís character.


- Interesting point, I do have an exchange between Turner and Quinn referencing Dusty's state of mind but they acknowledge it was never as apparent as it is now, in other words, since he got handed his notice. My thinking was Dusty hasn't taken the loss of Edna well, some of it has been evident to his colleagues but he generally keeps it under wraps...but now his job is being taken away, the cracks become more noticeable as he struggles to come to terms with it.

I wanted the primary motivation for Turner and Quinn's dismissal of Dusty to be because of age, old fashioned-ness, obsolete-ness, etc, you know, as it ties into the music and the theme of irrelevancy and deriving meaning for your life, a place within it. His fragile mental state is a secondary reason because its more of a hidden, internal thing that we're only really privy to in the confines of his own home. That way, when Dusty gets those callers at the end, when listeners voice their affection for him, it would be somewhat believable for the Turner and Quinn to reverse their decision or perhaps find another slot for him. If Dusty's state of mind was the main reason then the influx of callers wouldn't make much difference, the guy would still be considered mentally unstable, thus unfit to work.

I tried to strike a balance in Dusty's speeches during his program. They are, for the most part, coherent but there is a hint of something deeper there, a pain, a sadness that he is expressing.

Again, I do see your point the bringing that side of Dusty's mental problems to the fore as the emotional center lies within his relationship with Edna but I think that is still conveyed through his long winded speeches and in the scenes at his house, away from prying eyes.


Quoted from stevemiles
Took a while to warm to Wes and Janet.  Their dialogue at the outset of the break-up felt a little too familiar.  Though sparse as it is, I think you could look at paring it down further, to the bare essentials, and let their actions and Dustyís V.O. guide the reader.


- Good suggestion I'll look into that. Like I say, we meet them at a bad time when they're not at their most harmonious.

Thanks again for your thoughts, excellent points raised.

Col.


Glenn

Thanks for taking the time, glad it worked for you.

Dusty does straddle that line of lovable old gent, passionate and enthusiastic about something he loves or just a cloying, glib, nostalgic tripping old fogy who needs to stop romanticizing the past and get his head in the present...I'm glad you leaned towards the former ;)

Thanks again.

Col.
Posted by: Athenian, September 12th, 2014, 12:11pm; Reply: 18
Hi Howard,

The work you've put into this one shows. Powerful and touching - definitely deserves to be filmed.

You've already got many great reviews, so I don't have much to add. Just a small gripe: It seems strange to me that Janet is listening to Dustin's show during her confession to Wes. Yes, she's a huge fan, but on this occasion I would at least expect her to turn the volume down a little. ;) Also, you must consider the technical difficulties of the scene: Dustin needs to be heard loud enough for his words to be understood (the radio is in a different room), but not so loud to drown the words of Wes and Janet when they talk. My two cents: Janet turns on the radio after Wes leaves to listen to her favorite show and feel better.

Anyway, these are just minor quibbles. The script is great overall and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Manolis
Posted by: DS, September 12th, 2014, 4:12pm; Reply: 19

Quoted from colkurtz8
DS

Thanks for taking the time and your detailed thoughts, much appreciated, friend.

- Its is definitely one of the more "happy" scripts I've written. In that it ends on a seemingly positive, upbeat note...but I wouldn't call it a completely feel-good story. Although, I totally understand if that's the impression you would get. What I mean is, Dusty is basically back where he started, in that he is back in the comfort of his delusion of still having Edna around. I wanted to give the impression that although the beauty and love of music can bring people together, help those that are stricken, even mend relationships, it also assists Dusty in re-establishing the figment of his imagination (Edna) Is that a good thing? I dunno. Maybe losing his job might have been the best thing that could've happened to him if he had chose to use it as a spring board to start a new chapter in his life, free from the trappings of a past trauma...but of course most of us will retreat back into our memories and fantasies to derive comfort. And thatís understandable too, itís the easy way out. Dusty chooses this path.


While not being able to move on won't be the best for Dusty, he gets to live in his illusion that makes him happy and keeps him going. He at least didn't off himself due to the events. If anything, these experiences might make it easier for him to realise that he has to move on. But overall the obstacles at the start for the couple and for Dusty have worked out OK. I'd say a feel-good story would fit, it's just not a simple one and it's not a perfect fairy tale ending, rather a realistic one that doesn't hit the reader on the head that it indeed is a happy ending further reinforces the quality here. There's always an unhappy side to happiness. It's a story where one of the messages is the strength of love, the protagonists made it to a happy ending, perhaps the happiest achievable in the circumstances at the said time. And after listening to some glum love songs and seeing the protagonists come out of it is something that's bound to give the reader that "feel-good" feeling I had in mind.


Quoted from colkurtz8

- Such a beautiful song. Itís actually on ďThe Big LebowskiĒ soundtrack. In the film, it plays over the post ďcoitusĒ scene between the The Dude and Maud in bed and he talks about his past as roadie. Iím really glad you brought this up too as it relates to what I said earlier about this not being an entirely happy ending. The song is about loving someone even when itís not good for you which correlates with Dustyís undying love for his deceased wife almost to a fault since it prevents him from moving on.


The message clicks now. Not sure why I didn't think of that. ;)


Quoted Text


- Interesting point and I see what you mean. I figured since itís all in Dustyís head he just imagines Edna putting the needle on the groove as if she is playing her part, however small, in helping him regain his old life. Itís more symbolic than anything. I wonder if I had Dusty in that particular scene too, beside her as she starts the record? I think it is significant that we see her do it though since she is the main reason why Dusty is continuing to live, to work, to love and appreciate music.


Yeah, I did figure that was the meaning. My main concern there was whether it was clear enough to be perceived that she was his imagination that way. While I do wonder if there's a way to keep both, Edna putting the needle in the groove and complete realism, there's no need to mess with a good scene for absolute realism or clarity. It's art, I tend to get overly realism-prone at times, superfluous comment on my side.

Anyway glad to see Broadcast is getting a lot of positive feedback. :)

- DS
Posted by: colkurtz8, September 13th, 2014, 11:48am; Reply: 20
Manolis

Thanks for the read, man.


Quoted from Athenian
Just a small gripe: It seems strange to me that Janet is listening to Dustin's show during her confession to Wes. Yes, she's a huge fan, but on this occasion I would at least expect her to turn the volume down a little. ;)


- Good point. If you remember though, we pick up the argument with them in the bedroom so my thinking is that's where it started thus the radio could have easily been on in the living room. Also, perhaps Janet didn't think she was going to come clean at this particular moment, it just came up over the course of their conversation. Wes has a line about it happening two weeks ago so Janet may have blurted it out now, a spur of the moment confession, she reached breaking point, the guilt has become too great. Also, I liked the idea of intertwining Dusty's ramblings with their situation.


Quoted from Athenian
Also, you must consider the technical difficulties of the scene: Dustin needs to be heard loud enough for his words to be understood (the radio is in a different room), but not so loud to drown the words of Wes and Janet when they talk.


- I see what you're saying but I have faith in modern ADR capabilities ;) I'm sure it could be achieved. Robert Altman made his name with his overlapping dialogue techniques and that was back in the 70s. See "Nashville" or "3 Women"


Quoted from Athenian
My two cents: Janet turns on the radio after Wes leaves to listen to her favorite show and feel better.


That could work but I think it would be stripping away some of the dynamic and dimension of the scene if I took Dusty out. Plus, I wanted to illustrate Wes's dislike of Dusty when he switches him off. The way its written, Janet does get to turn it back on in order to feel better as you've suggested so that element is still present.

Thanks again for taking the time.


DS

Thanks for the back and forth.


Quoted from DS
While not being able to move on won't be the best for Dusty, he gets to live in his illusion that makes him happy and keeps him going. He at least didn't off himself due to the events. If anything, these experiences might make it easier for him to realise that he has to move on. But overall the obstacles at the start for the couple and for Dusty have worked out OK. I'd say a feel-good story would fit, it's just not a simple one and it's not a perfect fairy tale ending, rather a realistic one that doesn't hit the reader on the head that it indeed is a happy ending further reinforces the quality here. There's always an unhappy side to happiness. It's a story where one of the messages is the strength of love, the protagonists made it to a happy ending, perhaps the happiest achievable in the circumstances at the said time. And after listening to some glum love songs and seeing the protagonists come out of it is something that's bound to give the reader that "feel-good" feeling I had in mind.


- Yeah, well said. Dusty at the closing credits is far from healed but at least he's the better of two evils. He's relatively happy in comparison to what could've transpired and he got to help out other people in the process. Will it help him face facts and learn to move on? Probably not, some would argue he could regress but again, its preferable to him giving up altogether. Its finding and identifying that silver lining. And, like you say, if Dusty is content to live within his illusion, isn't that enough? Whatever works for you as Woody Allen once posited ;) There are cases to be made for both sides.


Quoted from DS
Yeah, I did figure that was the meaning. My main concern there was whether it was clear enough to be perceived that she was his imagination that way. While I do wonder if there's a way to keep both, Edna putting the needle in the groove and complete realism, there's no need to mess with a good scene for absolute realism or clarity. It's art, I tend to get overly realism-prone at times, superfluous comment on my side.


- No, it was a valid point to make on your part and I have since changed it to Dusty guiding Edna's hand in putting the needle in the groove. That way, the visual and its symbolism is retained but it sticks more closely to the "realism" within the context of the script.

Thanks again for your further comments, much appreciated.

Col.
Posted by: oJOHNNYoNUTSo, October 13th, 2014, 9:26pm; Reply: 21
Hey Col,

Just looked at the links for your newest fragrance lol! Glad I did, great job on this one. You nailed Dusty's dialogue - I could hear him spin out the past. You also did an excellent job regarding the scene weave, the beginning really stood out, juxtaposing the modern with the quaint. Dusty really touched folks throughout every generation, and Janet's second call was timed just as good as the first.

The way you set up the idea of fate, the weaving of lives, was handled very well. Not only did Dusty facilitate Janet's plea, she did the same for him. The whole scene with Wes at the diner was how all parties earned their endings, and the theme shines! Story - owned.

The writing was good too. Style was on point - strong verbs, defined nouns, emphatic closers. With as many snappy scenes, you did a good job clarifying what was going on.

The gun had me confused at first. Dusty didn't seem like the type to me. He'd already killed himself by throwing away his passion. It felt like an end worse than death IMO. Plus was he really going to blow his brains out there? After he said he'd ask his wife, the notion grew on me. But it did feel very reactionary when I read it, a bit out of the boundaries maybe.

Dusty. What a great name for this guy.

Johnny

Posted by: colkurtz8, October 14th, 2014, 11:48am; Reply: 22
Johnny

Thanks for taking the time and glad you got something out of it.


Quoted from oJOHNNYoNUTSo
The gun had me confused at first. Dusty didn't seem like the type to me. He'd already killed himself by throwing away his passion. It felt like an end worse than death IMO. Plus was he really going to blow his brains out there? After he said he'd ask his wife, the notion grew on me. But it did feel very reactionary when I read it, a bit out of the boundaries maybe


- I see what you mean and others have taken issue with his extreme measure. My reasoning is that through losing his job, as well as already losing his wife, he doesn't really have much to live for now. I attempted to convey that in the script by how little Dusty had outside his job, how isolated his existence was. Also, the fact that being let go has effected the illusion he's created concerning his deceased wife (i.e. not be able to face her) only adds to his malaise.

Additionally, the comparison to Howard Beale is made and I see Dusty considering Beale as his (fictional) hero, a fellow martyr who he sympathizes and relates to. Both are lonely, aging, out of step with their surroundings and deemed expendable by their employers. Beale threatens to kill himself on live TV as his swansong so Dusty is following suit.

The reason why I show that particular scene from "Network" is to highlight the evil machinations of the powers-that-be and how, in a way, Dusty is going to beat them to it by committing the deed himself. Now I don't think Dusty actually believes Quinn and Turner are going to assassinate him, its more of a symbolic thing in that by letting Dusty go they are effectively pulling the trigger. Its kinda like that "You can't fire me, I quit" mentality.

Thanks again for checking it out.

Col.
Posted by: MarkRenshaw, April 7th, 2015, 7:10am; Reply: 23
Hey Col. Thought Iíd check this out and write the notes as I read, plus avoid the other comments for now so as not to bias my opinion so sorry if I go over what others already have.

The logline doesnít draw me in but then again Iím more of a supernatural, fantasy, sci-fi, horror and boobs guy. So a drama would have to have a very interesting logline to make me want to read it.

Saying that though, the opening scene with Dusty sat in his studio was a perfect mood setter in my opinion.  I know where I am in this story and what the vibe is already and I like it.

Thatís quite a challenge having Dusty say specific lines in the middle of Wes and Janetís argument. It could be distracting and maybe worth considering it being pure background noise that you cannot hear clearly. And yet if pulled off right it could really work.

Ah man, Dusty is being replaced. That sucks, heís the type of DJ I think is perfect for the night shift. I think the Flashback could be a bit quicker though and not lose the emotional punch.

Ednaís opening lines are on the nose. Is she there to explain things to us? It feels like it is rather than her being a natural character.

Itís all sad now, Dusty and Edna are sad, Wes and Janet are sad and all seem to be drifting apart. There is a parallel between the two couples, one generation having similar problems to another and all that.

A nice speech by Dusty and I was surprised by the revelation regarding his wife. Who is Edna then?

ĎPOLLY (late 30s) trashy, slutty, but well put together,í lol Ė I like that description. If only it were so easy to find such an accomodating woman in real life!

A nice message on the radio. I am surprised at Mr. Quinnís and Maxís response though. Are personal messages and requests not commonplace on the radio in these parts?

Dusty watches Network, classic! Could you get permission to use Network (and these specific songs as well) to produce this script though?

So Dusty is all about to blow the end of his career away big style and Janet talks him around. I do like that I just felt it was a bit rushed. This is an emotional, powerful scene and should be treated as such. The whole story has been building to this point so give it the airtime it deserves.

I take it Edna is his wife and heís just seeing her in his head? When he was lost she left and once he found a reason for carrying on she came back, that sort of thing? If so I think you could do with making that a little bit  more apparent.

Thatís a powerful and emotional story there. Itís got soul. I really like it.

Great job Col. Now Iíll go read the other comments
-Mark

EDIT - Just read the comments and everyone else seemed to work out that Edna was a ghost so it's just me being silly lol!
Posted by: colkurtz8, April 12th, 2015, 5:04am; Reply: 24
Mark

Thanks for your thoughts. It was interesting to see your page by page reactions.


Quoted from MarkRenshaw
Hey Col. Thought Iíd check this out and write the notes as I read, plus avoid the other comments for now so as not to bias my opinion so sorry if I go over what others already have.


- That's fine. I always read scripts blindsided. I don't even look at loglines, just check the author.


Quoted from MarkRenshaw
The logline doesnít draw me in but then again Iím more of a supernatural, fantasy, sci-fi, horror and boobs guy. So a drama would have to have a very interesting logline to make me want to read it.


- Fair enough.


Quoted from MarkRenshaw
Saying that though, the opening scene with Dusty sat in his studio was a perfect mood setter in my opinion.  I know where I am in this story and what the vibe is already and I like it.


- Thanks. That was the intention. To begin with showing Dusty in his element, doing the thing he loves.


Quoted from MarkRenshaw
Thatís quite a challenge having Dusty say specific lines in the middle of Wes and Janetís argument. It could be distracting and maybe worth considering it being pure background noise that you cannot hear clearly. And yet if pulled off right it could really work.


- Yeah, it would be tricky but challenging and all the more enriching if the time was taken to craft it as written. Dustyís lines intentionally reflect Janet and Wes's strife in some instances so it would add more depth and substance to the scene than if it was just indecipherable babbling in the background. Think how well Altman used overlapping dialogue to add layers within a scene in his films.


Quoted from MarkRenshaw
Ah man, Dusty is being replaced. That sucks, heís the type of DJ I think is perfect for the night shift. I think the Flashback could be a bit quicker though and not lose the emotional punch.


- Itís good that you had some kind of an emotional response to finding out heís been let go. Iíll look at that scene again and see where I can trim it.


Quoted from MarkRenshaw
Ednaís opening lines are on the nose. Is she there to explain things to us? It feels like it is rather than her being a natural character.


- Good observation, sheís meant to be like that since, as you wouldíve found out, sheís part of Dustyís imagination. Dusty wonders what else does he have to offer outside his job...not a whole lot. His life has essentially been stripped of its purpose. Her dialogue is intended to reflect this feeling. How his wife would perceive him now that heís no longer wanted at the station.


Quoted from MarkRenshaw
Itís all sad now, Dusty and Edna are sad, Wes and Janet are sad and all seem to be drifting apart. There is a parallel between the two couples, one generation having similar problems to another and all that.


- I know, Iím a morbid fu?k!


Quoted from MarkRenshaw
A nice speech by Dusty and I was surprised by the revelation regarding his wife. Who is Edna then?


- Edna is his wife. I wanted that revelation to be just dropped in there without much fanfare. Itís a surprise for the reader but itís said in a matter-of-fact manner because that is the nature of that particular conversation. This is also why it comes at the halfway point as opposed to being revealed at the end for some big shocking twist.


Quoted from MarkRenshaw
ĎPOLLY (late 30s) trashy, slutty, but well put together,í lol Ė I like that description. If only it were so easy to find such an accomodating woman in real life!


- True...but she comes at a price. I'm sure you can find one too if you go to the right places. Girls like Polly don't hang out at truck-stop diners because they love truckers so much. ;)


Quoted from MarkRenshaw
A nice message on the radio. I am surprised at Mr. Quinnís and Maxís response though. Are personal messages and requests not commonplace on the radio in these parts?


- Since its late night radio and the fact that Dustyís listerner-ship is low, they are perhaps not as regular as before. Plus, Quinn and Maxís response are more a reaction to Dustyís ramblings than the request itself. They just see him as an old codger possibly losing his mind, drifting into senility. These verbal reveries only back up that presumption.


Quoted from MarkRenshaw
Dusty watches Network, classic! Could you get permission to use Network (and these specific songs as well) to produce this script though?


- Glad you appreciated Network, itís my second favourite film of all time. Dusty, of course, sees a bit of himself in Beale. Yeah, the rights for the songs and the excerpt would be a clusterfu?k not justified by this script. Alterations could me made if someone was interested in making it. I just went for it in this draft and put in the songs and film reference I wanted.


Quoted from MarkRenshaw
So Dusty is all about to blow the end of his career away big style and Janet talks him around. I do like that I just felt it was a bit rushed. This is an emotional, powerful scene and should be treated as such. The whole story has been building to this point so give it the airtime it deserves.


- Yeah, I will concede that it does require a bit of faith from the audience to believe that Dusty would be changed by Janetís intervention. I think all Dusty needed was to feel wanted, that somebody cared. Given he helped a young couple get over their difficulties since heís lost his own wife (both physically and now in his imagination) he feels a real sense of vindication.

Itís about reconciliation too. Not only has he helped Janet and Wes get back together but it also means he can face his wife again (in his mind) because he feels he has value and worth again. This proof, if you will, that he still has something to offer, is enough to allow him retreat back into his fantasies with Edna.  


Quoted from MarkRenshaw
I take it Edna is his wife and heís just seeing her in his head? When he was lost she left and once he found a reason for carrying on she came back, that sort of thing? If so I think you could do with making that a little bit  more apparent.


- Thatís it, you got it. So does it need to be spelled out more clearly? Dusty and Ednaís last scene together tells us what we need to know in regards their ďrelationshipĒ dynamic without it being too explicit. Why she went away and why she is back now while also giving further motivation for Dusty coming back from the brink in light of Janetís call.


Quoted from MarkRenshaw
Thatís a powerful and emotional story there. Itís got soul. I really like it.


- Glad you got something out of it.  I know you didnít say it but Iím always hasten to add, that although it seems like a sentimental and happy ending I argue that there is a tragic underpinning to it also. Yes, Janet and Wes seemed to have patched things up, Dusty didnít pull the trigger and the station may find some use for him but all this means he will continue to live in his fantasy world with Edna and presumably slip further from reality. As positive as it seems, these events enable Dusty to avoid the truth.  


Quoted from MarkRenshaw
EDIT - Just read the comments and everyone else seemed to work out that Edna was a ghost so it's just me being silly lol!


- Ha. In a way, Iím happy that it wasnít immediately obvious and it only becomes clear when we are literally told by Mr. Quinn. There is nothing worse than realising a character is a ghost/projection of the characterís mind/alter ego, etc before you are meant to.  Think how much The Sixth Sense or Fight Club wouldíve suffered if this had occurred.

Thanks again for taking the time, Mark, much appreciated.

Col.
Posted by: Iancou, April 12th, 2015, 1:37pm; Reply: 25
Col,

Read and liked it. Overall, it was tight and well-written. Now, I would agree with some of the other comments about various aspects relating to how the filmed scenes would appear. For example, the "staccato" nature of some of the scene transitions might be problematic, but I am not sure that can be helped. As for the pistol, how would he get it? Aren't those tightly controlled in the UK? Perhaps it can be an "antique" as in something not commonly found on the open market, like a old, worn Webley his father had in the war. That would make it more in line with his personality as seeing him with a new magazine fed semi-auto wouldn't be in character and something he would likely have no experience with using. I also liked how you left it open to the imagination/interpretation whether Edna was a ghost or a mental issue. Either way, waiting until the end to reveal she died in a break-in several years earlier adds to the overall feel.

Another point in your favor is the way you have written it, this script could be easily shot in the UK, US, Austrailia, etc. with little alteration. I can easily picture Wes as a long-haul trucker in Texas with a twang to his speech, or an Aussie driving one of those three trailer "road train" lorries across the outback. Many scripts, my own included, are pretty well locked into a single country due to cultural cues and other nuances. Such flexibility will make Broadcast more marketable to a wider variety of prospective production companies.

Hope to see it shot sometime. Keep us up on how it goes.

Ian
Posted by: colkurtz8, April 14th, 2015, 10:39am; Reply: 26
Ian

Thanks for the read and comments, much appreciated.


Quoted from Iancou
Now, I would agree with some of the other comments about various aspects relating to how the filmed scenes would appear. For example, the "staccato" nature of some of the scene transitions might be problematic, but I am not sure that can be helped.


- Yeah, a good editor would be needed make them work. Itís all there on the page, itís a just matter of fitting them together in a coherent and fluid manner. Something to be fine tuned in post production. Still, I think if the time was taken on them, they could make for something interesting.


Quoted from Iancou
As for the pistol, how would he get it? Aren't those tightly controlled in the UK?


- Fair point on the gun laws but I hoped the reader would go along with it for the sake of the story. There are ways one could obtain a gun if they looked hard enough and were prepared to pay. Anyway, I deliberately didnít specify a location here as I believe the story could be set pretty much anywhere...including the good ole gun worshipping US of A ;)


Quoted from Iancou
Perhaps it can be an "antique" as in something not commonly found on the open market, like a old, worn Webley his father had in the war. That would make it more in line with his personality as seeing him with a new magazine fed semi-auto wouldn't be in character and something he would likely have no experience with using.


- Great suggestion with the old gun, it would totally go in tandem with his character. However, I revealed the particular way in which Edna was killed (home invasion) for a reason. My thinking is that Dusty acquired the gun as a reaction to that and I hoped the reader would make this connection. Thus, the gun would be relatively new.

Of course he could still have gotten your ďantiqueĒ gun off a friend or whatever but I dunno how I would impart that information without it sounding expository. Again, I hoped the reader would go along with the assumption that Dusty was able to get his hands on a gun.

Thatís why there are multiple locks on the door too. Itís almost as if Dusty is shutting himself and Edna (in his mind) off from the outside world, taking those extra precautions. All of which are understandable measures. I bet most people would take steps to bolster their domestic security if they were broken into. Especially if, as in Dustyís case, it had resulted in the death of a loved one.


Quoted from Iancou
I also liked how you left it open to the imagination/interpretation whether Edna was a ghost or a mental issue.


- Yeah, I donít say explicitly what she is but I lean more towards her being part of Dustyís imagination. Why she disappears and comes back again is all tied into his mindset and feelings (or lack thereof) of self worth.


Quoted from Iancou
Either way, waiting until the end to reveal she died in a break-in several years earlier adds to the overall feel.


- Itís actually revealed at the halfway point. On page 9 to be exact when Mr. Quinn mentions it to Max. I intentionally wanted to drop it like that in an almost casual, throwaway manner while surprising the reader at the same time. I didnít want it to be some big closing scene reveal or twist.

I figured knowing Dustyís true situation from that point on would alter your perspective on him. How you would see him a more sympathetic or concerned light. That this guy really has lost his grip on reality. It also makes his motivations in taking such drastic action as ending his own life clear for the reader. With his wife gone and now his job, he feels he doesn't have anything to live for. Yes, most will argue you should never commit such an act but at least we can comprehend his reasoning for doing so. We have the full picture of his circumstances going into the second half of the story.


Quoted from Iancou
Another point in your favor is the way you have written it, this script could be easily shot in the UK, US, Austrailia, etc. with little alteration. I can easily picture Wes as a long-haul trucker in Texas with a twang to his speech, or an Aussie driving one of those three trailer "road train" lorries across the outback. Many scripts, my own included, are pretty well locked into a single country due to cultural cues and other nuances. Such flexibility will make Broadcast more marketable to a wider variety of prospective production companies.


- Cool, Iím glad you recognized this as I just mentioned it above. I mostly try to keep my scripts open ended geographically for that very reason. Although this probably isnít the most producible anyway given its length, inclusion of numerous songs and the clip from the film ďNetworkĒ.


Quoted from Iancou
Hope to see it shot sometime. Keep us up on how it goes.


- Thanks for the kind words and even though I donít see it as a very enticing script for a low budget filmmaker, I have had some interest in it.

Cheers again for taking the time, Ian.

Col.  
Posted by: DanC, April 14th, 2015, 12:42pm; Reply: 27
Hi there,
    I'm reading your story right now.  It's interesting.  

Oh, I also wanted to make a comment about the songs in the piece.  I've read a few comments above and I'm not sure I agree.  Let me explain:

When I shot my thesis, a feature full length movie, I had a lot of music in it.  If you contact them and ask them for permission, the first question they will ask you is if you are getting paid.  If you say no (say a school does this project or it's a similar non-paying situation), most times, they will allow you to use their music for free.  It's free exposure for them too.  

That said, you will have to sign a contract stating that you don't expect to get paid.  However, I know that a few of the agencies that I contact were happy that I was using their artists in my movie.  I remember vividly calling the agency for a band called Kix.  I wanted to use their song "Don't Close Your Eyes" and they were so happy.

All the songs you use here are old, so, I don't see it being a big issue.  I think many of the horror stories you hear are from people who want the newest songs or popular groups like Metallica in their movie.  Oh, the group that represents Accept don't work with small artists, they want money, so, don't use them...

Now, onto your story:

So, It's very well written.  I wish I could write like you.  That said:

1.  Dusty gets fired, but, he's back on the radio.  Why?  Most places don't give you a 2 week notice.  They fire you and move on.  I knew a few DJ's back in the day.  The life of a DJ is very unstable.  One day they can be working at a station, next day, they are moving to another gig in another city.  So, I don't know why he's still on the air.  I thought it was a prerecording at first, but, it's not.

2.  Wait, his wife is dead??  SHOCKER.  Didn't see that coming at all.  (i'm on page 9)

3.  So, let me get this straight.  Janet drunk kisses some dude, and her hubby flips out and leaves?  That seems a bit harsh.  I think there must have been other issues with her for this kind of stern action.

4.  You establish that Wes doesn't like the station, yet, it's on in his rig and at the diner.  Most local radio stations don't carry more then say, 50 to 100 miles.  I live in Buffalo, and by the time we got to Ithaca, all the stations were gone.  So, that puzzles me.  So, how could Wes hear that station when he hates it, and he's so far away?

5.  Are the other guys at the station there 24/7?  I mean, he works nights, and the big wigs are still there?  that's pretty rare.  

6.  Since he's a truck driver, I would have thought that Janet would have friends to help her out when he's on the road.  It seems odd that she'd be alone when her friends most likely know what she did and what Wes is doing now.

7.  Awww, he throws out all those records.  Some might be worth money.  Look up on Ebay what all those are worth, it might shock you.

8.  I'm not sure why they are upset.  I've heard a few guys announce it was their last day on a station and they didn't get cut off or have the big wigs pacing the floor.  

9.  Wait, so Dusty is Janet's best friend.  What about her other friends?  Wasn't she invited to a party where she was kissing another man?  

10.  I'm not crazy about the ending.  I'm fine with him living and what not, but, how do you guide the hands of a ghost?  Now, if she's a succubus, but, that's kinda a different story :)

I enjoyed it, and it was easy to follow.  I hope my comments help you, especially with the music.  I think you have a great chance to get a lot of those old songs on the cheap, if not free, depending on payment that you get.

Good luck
Dan
Posted by: colkurtz8, April 20th, 2015, 9:09am; Reply: 28
Dan

Thanks for taking the time to read this and share your thoughts.


Quoted from DanC
When I shot my thesis, a feature full length movie, I had a lot of music in it.  If you contact them and ask them for permission, the first question they will ask you is if you are getting paid.  If you say no (say a school does this project or it's a similar non-paying situation), most times, they will allow you to use their music for free.  It's free exposure for them too.  

That said, you will have to sign a contract stating that you don't expect to get paid.  However, I know that a few of the agencies that I contact were happy that I was using their artists in my movie.  I remember vividly calling the agency for a band called Kix.  I wanted to use their song "Don't Close Your Eyes" and they were so happy.

All the songs you use here are old, so, I don't see it being a big issue.  I think many of the horror stories you hear are from people who want the newest songs or popular groups like Metallica in their movie.  Oh, the group that represents Accept don't work with small artists, they want money, so, don't use them...


- Thanks for the info. Thatís encouraging to hear.

Yeah, as Iíve said previously, I gave myself free rein on whatever songs I wanted but with the assumption that I would never be able to use them. Yes, most are old so perhaps they are in the public domain but nearly all of them are by noted artists. I figured if someone ever wanted to film this it would be for the story and not the songs alone which could always be changed to alternatives that would still fit the narrative.


Quoted from DanC
1.  Dusty gets fired, but, he's back on the radio.  Why?  Most places don't give you a 2 week notice.  They fire you and move on.  I knew a few DJ's back in the day.  The life of a DJ is very unstable.  One day they can be working at a station, next day, they are moving to another gig in another city.  So, I don't know why he's still on the air.  I thought it was a prerecording at first, but, it's not.


- Yeah, they have given him notice. To be honest I didnít know DJs were exempt from this contractual stipulation which is present in most other jobs to some degree. However, you must remember that Dusty has given many years of service to the station and although Quinn and Turner are portrayed the cold hearted, all business types I donít think itís beyond plausibility that they would give the guy a few weeksí grace.


Quoted from DanC
2. Wait, his wife is dead??  SHOCKER.  Didn't see that coming at all.  (i'm on page 9)


- Yeah, I hoped that would come as a surprise especially since itís just dropped in there in a conversational way. I didnít want it to be some final scene reveal. Knowing this information now will make you re-evaluate the previous scenes between Dusty and Edna but also affect your impression on whatís to come. You see Dusty in a different light now.


Quoted from DanC
3. So, let me get this straight.  Janet drunk kisses some dude, and her hubby flips out and leaves?  That seems a bit harsh.  I think there must have been other issues with her for this kind of stern action.


- I guess it comes down to how accepting you are of your girl being with another guy, whether itís a drunk kiss or something more. Some of us will lose our sh?t for far less. Wes is just that kind of guy. I wanted Janetís transgression to be reprehensible but not beyond absolution since they are to be reconciled later on.


Quoted from DanC
4. You establish that Wes doesn't like the station, yet, it's on in his rig and at the diner.  Most local radio stations don't carry more than say, 50 to 100 miles.  I live in Buffalo, and by the time we got to Ithaca, all the stations were gone.  So, that puzzles me.  So, how could Wes hear that station when he hates it, and he's so far away?


- If you check, youíll see that Dusty' show isnít playing in Wesís rig in the scenes prior to the diner scene. Only when he hears Janetís request in there does he tune in from then on.

Plus, I donít think Wes can help the fact that itís playing in the diner. Youíll notice that he reacts disapprovingly when he realises its Dusty after the song finishes. I mean, what do you expect him to do, ask the waitress to turn him off? ďHey, I donít like this guy, change the station!Ē ;)

Admittedly I needed Wes to hear the request and since he is not a fan of Dustyís show I had to work around that obstacle. Hence, I had him playing in a public venue like a diner.

What makes you think Dusty is working for a local station? That is never stated. I will admit that he does have that quality about him and given that Wes has driven most of the day, he would probably be out of range of whatever station he was working for but I never specify any of those details so I hoped the audience would go with it for the sake of the story. We donít know how far Wes has actually traveled or the range of Dustyís station.

This extends to the setting of the story which I donít mention. It does have an Americana feel to it but Iím from Ireland where radio stations have coverage of the whole country and itís conceivable for truck drivers to be all over the land during the course of a week and never be home...yet still be in range of their favourite, or in this case their most hated, radio show.


Quoted from DanC
5.  Are the other guys at the station there 24/7?  I mean, he works nights, and the big wigs are still there?  Thatís pretty rare.  


- Fair point. However, Quinn and Turner are not there the first night. They are only featured in the flashback which I envisaged to have taken place earlier that day. The second night they are showing Max around so they have a reason to be present. While on the third night, given Dustyís ramblings from the night before, his somber mood, the disconcerting talk of his deceased wife and the fact that they have told him heís been fired just a couple of days previous, they decide to stick around just to see how he performs. They are concerned for him and, to a greater degree, wary that he is perhaps unstable, a liability, or at least heading that way.


Quoted from DanC
6.  Since he's a truck driver, I would have thought that Janet would have friends to help her out when he's on the road.  It seems odd that she'd be alone when her friends most likely know what she did and what Wes is doing now.


- Iím sure she does but right now she wishes to find solace in the soothing tones of a nostalgic and empathetic DJ past his prime ;)


Quoted from DanC
7.  Awww, he throws out all those records.  Some might be worth money.  Look up on Ebay what all those are worth, it might shock you.


- Ha, I know, they are going through a major resurgence right now and have always been sought after collectorís items. This will only increase with time. Itís more of a symbolic act here though, indicative of where Dustyís mindset is at. How unworthy, useless and alone he feels. By throwing out his records heís ridding himself of his most prized attachments, setting himself free in a way, in preparation for his final act.


Quoted from DanC
8.  I'm not sure why they are upset.  I've heard a few guys announce it was their last day on a station and they didn't get cut off or have the big wigs pacing the floor.  


- Its more got to do with the nature of how heís saying it, being so abrupt like that. Itís unexpected and shocking to them. Especially to announce it in such a fashion before youíve even played a song.

It goes back to that notice thing which I know you have an issue with but according to Quinn and Turner, Dusty is still obligated to fulfill his contract. That's the all business side coming out in them.


Quoted from DanC
9.  Wait, so Dusty is Janet's best friend.  What about her other friends?  Wasn't she invited to a party where she was kissing another man?  


- Youíre taking that way too literally, brother (by the way, I'm not saying you're actually my brother either ;)). Sheís just quantifying how Dusty keeps her company when Wes is away. How much she values his presence in her life, even if itís indirectly over the air waves. Itís like any deep connection one might have to a radio/TV show host or, in a more modern context, a certain podcast.


Quoted from DanC
10.  I'm not crazy about the ending.  I'm fine with him living and what not, but, how do you guide the hands of a ghost?  Now, if she's a succubus, but, that's kinda a different story  


- Yes, making her a succubus would certainly take things in a different direction ;) The idea is that Edna is more a projection of Dustyís mind than an actual ghost. When he was fired he felt unworthy of her presence, as if he didnít deserve to communicate with her. That is why she left. He couldnít face her anymore. This is reflected in her language and demeanour in those scenes. Her character and dialogue is conjured up by Dusty, she expresses how he feels about himself, his low self esteem, his lack of purpose and hopelessness.

When he is vindicated at the end, he is able to interact with her again where she is much more warm and complimentary. This also adds motivation for Dusty (besides Janet and the other caller's messages) to come back from the brink of suicide and face life again


Quoted from DanC
I enjoyed it, and it was easy to follow.  I hope my comments help you, especially with the music.  I think you have a great chance to get a lot of those old songs on the cheap, if not free, depending on payment that you get.


- Thanks for your opinions, it was interesting to read your reactions and questions as you read. That is often how I review scripts too. You brought up some good points and I hope I was able to answer some of your queries satisfactorily.

Cheers too on shedding light about the music. If anything, itís nice to get some positive stories regarding the arts and litigation because usually, like you say, itís a horror story full of messy court battles and big payouts.

Is it possible to see your thesis film somewhere? Iíd be interested to check it out.

Col.
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