My Beloved Monster by Felix Hockey - Short, Horror, Fantasy - A girl discovers a monster in the woods. 7 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Felix,

7 pages reads more like 12. Big blocks of action -  recommend you cut it up. 3-4 lines per paragraph.  Not sure what the slug line numbers mean.
"the villagers kept well away for the well" this reads weird. Clear away may work.  What set the Captain on a crazy train?

Gl with the script
Tony

Hey Felix,
A few things..

Pg. 1
"A well stands in a clearing of a forest"
We know from the slug its a clearing of a forest. No need to repeat.

Pg. 2
"The grassy field is between a great forest and the large
house."
Again no need to repeat grassy field as it is in the slug.

No need to number the slugs either.

Action blocks are very, very long. Reading through page 2 was tough.

Pg. 3
I always like to have ages of characters told. Not precise ages but you know, 30s, 40s. Maybe its just me.

I think monster should be MONSTER when first introduced.

Pg. 4
"8. EXT./INT. DREAM SEQUENCE - NIGHT"
Dream sequence isn't a location.

Pg. 5
"The two run through the forest, CAPTAIN PRICE stumbling
drunkenly while SHOUTING "EMILY", until Emily reaches the
clearing."
Don't know why SHOUTING "EMILY" is capitalised..



Story wise, it's ok. Could be made shorter with smaller action blocks and the whole thing would also read better.
Not sure why Emily's dad resents her so much and what are these things he's seen?

Good luck with this.

Glenn

hello;

the guys above made some valid points. first i'll do away with the whole montage and make them individual scenes with it's own slug line.
also i'll probably add a action scene where the villagers actually attacked the monster instead of telling about it.

The grassy field is between a great forest and the large house." --- i'll take that out. no need for that in the script.

you're blocks are too long and to me too descriptive. a few words to describe the setting but that's all that's needed. or add the setting to the action. like for the captain instead of saying " A whiskey bottle and a shot glass are placed on the desk by two scarred hands. CAPTAIN PRICE pours the whiskey and brings the shot glass to his mouth." ------ just keep it simple by writing Captain Price smoothly sips a shot of whiskey while he studies a photo of a woman. his face is emotionless. or something in that matter. combine  the action. makes it easier to read.

Emily runs out of the room and Captain Price follows her to the grassy field. Emily then runs towards the forest. ---- this is wrong. you can't write captain price follows her to the grassy fields without changing the sluglines.
just says Emily runs out and the captain makes chase. gun still pointed. then change the scene too Emily, teeth clenched, runs pass the well. BANG! a tree branch explodes over her head. or something in that nature.

the story is to me not a great ending. i know it a short and you can only write a certain amount of pages but to be honest i didn't feel comfortable with the ending. and the beginning as well. if you actually take out that whole montage the story could have been found without it. but that's just how i feel.

good luck with the re write

Ugochukwu

Hi Felix

I agree with the comments above. As it stands this is much more like a short story than a short script. You have a lot of fat to cut and need to get your imagery/action across in a much leaner way.

Mark