Code INT. BEDROOM - MORNING - 14 YEARS AGO.
JACOB (45) and MELISSA (22) are having crazy sex.
MELISSA
Give it to me harder!
JACOB
You want it harder?
I'll give it to you harder.
MELISSA
Oh yeah baby! Oh yeah!
The bed pounds the wall. |
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This is your opening scene and it reads like a comedy. I was expecting drama. If your sex scenes are handled like this, I dread to think how you deal with the rest. For me, it just isn't realistic. Reads juvenile.
I'll read a little more though, just to make sure...
Code EXT. HOUSE - MORNING - CONTINUOUS
A car pulls into a drive way leading to a large house. |
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We know it's a house from the slug.
Code INT. CAR - MORNING - CONTINUOUS
SANDI(44) a pretty and BALD woman drives the car down a long
drive way to a big house. Next to her is CODY (9). |
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Is this the same house and the same car? Maybe it is a different place though because this driveway is long, while the other is an ordinary length.
Code SANDI
What did you get daddy from Disney Land?
CODY
I got him these.
Cody shows his Mickey Mouse ears. |
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So these are clearly arriving home after a trip to Disneyland. How did Cody keep the ears hidden from his mom for so long? They've come all the way back from Disneyland and this conversation only just comes up now? It isn't realistic.
How you've actually written the final sentence also reads as though Cody's own ears look like Mickey Mouse's.
Code SANDI
He will sure look funny in those. Maybe
he can wear them to his next court case. |
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Would she use the word 'court' there? Wouldn't she just say 'case'?
What you're doing is called spoon feeding. You're spoon feeding the reader information and for some, that can be insulting. Like you think we're stupid or something.
OK. Well I'm out at the end of page 3. You still have quite a way to go. You write well enough and I feel that you are probably just writing out of your depth on this occasion. Stick to what you know.