The Throne of Bones by Jonathon Haberer - Horror - A professor, dubbed ghoulologist, becomes embroiled in a conspiracy concerning the dead and the undead when his brother-in-law the prince sends him on a mission. 121 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hello, I'd like to thank the community for all their feed back on my previous Prometheus script in the spring.

I wrote a new one and would like to thank Tony and Issac for helping me conceptualize it in its infancy.

This is just a first draft so I'm sure there are a few spelling and grammer mistakes, this will all be corrected shortly and a new draft will be written when I get some feedback.

Once again I wish to thank everyone for their support and hope to write more scripts in the future and get good at this.

As you're just looking for help with your story it would help if you did the same for others.

Not looking for help per say. I put the script up for peoples enjoyment and any feedback they might have I am welcome to.

I've been active in reviewing other people's scripts over the last 6 months, through private conversations and emails that I have found as the best platform. I am open to a script exchange is someone is willing, but that's neither here nor there. I do have to admit my experience in writing is limited and I can only offer so much in the way of a review.

Thank you DS for pointing that out. But I have provided feedback through other sites and I don't know, I'm not the greatest for providing feedback, I've gotten some pretty mean responses and don't want the same thing here.

Ty for the title page catch. As I said this is a first draft, the draft on SS right now is not the draft I have on FD and caught the mistake couple days ago.

Quoted from JonathonHaberer Thank you DS for pointing that out. But I have provided feedback through other sites and I don't know, I'm not the greatest for providing feedback, I've gotten some pretty mean responses and don't want the same thing here.

Nothing to worry about. If someone gives you shit for giving them feedback, then it's down to them, not you. You don't have to be the greatest, the main purpose here is to learn.

So, as not to be pedantic....

First off, the log line (which yes, admittedly could do with a reworking) drew me in and so I thought I'd have a read. I was a little disappointed to see that it is actually an adaptation and not your own work - I did a little research on the tale in question - is this an adaptation of one of the short stories or the novella that's in the book?

As I read on it kind of gave me a Fallout or Skyrim feel - both are games that I've loved so I was happy to get further into the story.

First of all, just to get a grammar gripe out of the way, there are a few mistakes here - and as you're clearly such a competent writer I feel it maybe worth pulling you up on them. There's a few incorrect uses of 'your' and several times I've noticed that apostrophes are used where they shouldn't be - e.g. for a word such as surveys.

I found the story a little hard to follow, I'm not sure whether it's down to my ignorance of the world that it's set in - but, for a lot of the script I felt there was a hazy, dream-like feel to it which, for me, clouded the narrative a little bit. I also got mixed up with some of the characters and often had to go back to when they were first introduced to remember who they are - maybe that's just me being dopey...

It's hard for me to critique the story as I don't know how much of this you created and how much you adapted. I must admit I really struggled to follow the story at times and there was a lot going on - I really didn't get the ending at all?

Asides from that you've written a feature length script, a feat which many haven't done. The formatting does need work and the spelling/grammar needs a big overhaul in some places - if you get the chance please do let me know how accurate an adaptation this is?

Hi Goose,

Thanks for the read. I wasn't really expecting to read past the first 10 pages. That is an accomplishment and I applaud you.

The workings of Throne of Bones was an adaptation of the collection of works of the same title. This is a cohesion of multiple story lines from 6 different narratives to make for a 2 hour screen story. I used an element or two from 2 other stories outside of Throne but this is essentially the story from the book played out.

As for the grammar this is a fresh first draft, I was hoping for people to some what overlook some minor mistakes as stated before for a chance as something different. I apologize for the mistakes and  I'll update it soon with a new version soon.

I believe you have identified an affirmation to  go over character introductions to maybe compensate for the demanding story requirements. I went for lean, but maybe I went too lean on them.

And it was a demanding story, the protagonist and this sidekick do succumb to ghoulism and the third act plays out their ghoul counterparts. I went over the story with a friend and we ascertained that the we trim the story from its, at the time, incarnation. It was a much more complicated story and we slimmed it down to a more streamlined version. I'm sure a visualization would solve some of these problems as we see actors carry out their archetypes.

The adaptation is very different from the book. The previous draft was almost six different segments with a little filler on act 2 to flesh it out. It did not work at all and I dumped it in favour of this version which I think is closer to a more streamlined version.  The book is six stories each taking place in this city with have a very thin connection. I ballooned the frame work story of the professor looking for the treasure with some of the other stories simply as back story.

For instance:  The torture of the thief and his theft by the ghoul at the beginning was mentioned in a sentence or two in the book. The thief was stolen much later in the book. Pretty much the whole screenplay is like this. The book comes into maybe three or four key sequences and the rest is done by me. I used about 10% from the book, and about 75% of the screenplay is plots and elements picked from the book to layer the initial story of the doctor looking for the treasure.

Was the dialogue too corny? Too on the nose? Too flowery?

I wish you well and hope to return the favor.

Jonathon