Dream Crafters by Luis Garza - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - We follow Billy, who being oriented into becoming a Dream Crafter in the DCC (Dream Crafting Corporation). A place with complex technology powerful enough to go inside a dreamers mind and generate a dream; in this case, a kid who is obsessed with scary movies.  17 pages - pdf, format 8)

I like the way you started this script and leaving me to figure out who the voices were originally. Clever.

Code BILLY(27) Nervously looks up from the device to see...

Why does nervously start with a capital letter?

Code BILLY Um, I’m looking at the sleepy meter, do I look at the sleepy meter?

On my screen it seems that your dialogue is poorly formatted.

Code A black room with the limited light produced from the various giant TV screens that make up the wall.

Too many 'the' in this sentence makes it read badly. I could give an example, but I can't be arsed.

Code Three large tables are scattered throughout the 50 by 50 feet room.

Yeah I know it's a room, it should be obvious from the slug and you also told us in the last sentence. Is it really necessary to point out the exact measurements? If I were you, I'd get rid of most of the 'the' from the last sentence and combine these two together. If you're describing a particular thing, try and do it one.

Thank you very much, I'll tighten up the dialogue and I'm glad you liked the beginning. Do you have any comments on the story itself? I really would like to make it stronger.

It would take me too long to go through all of that. Nobody will care about your story until you clean up your shit. Well, not me anyway. I'm just a writer. I'm not looking to produce your script.

I will comment on story if the script is written well and the author is a regular member that comments on the stories of others.

If you really want to make your story stronger you should start with how it is written. Then we can go from there.