The Selfie by Maurice Samuel Devaraj - Short, Suspense - David takes a selfie at work. He discovers that editing the selfie, automatically changes reality. 4 pages - pdf, format 8)

This is a really cute idea. I loved the ending and did not see it coming.

One beef I have with this is the over description slows the read in my opinion. Tighten it up. You don't have to describe every little thing a character does.

Overall and once tightened up, good job. Enjoyed this.

Yep, this is pretty funny.

SPOILERS:

Btw, 'sheafs of paper' not 'sheaves' and though I like the ending it might be more satisfying if David were to delete Nigel (the boss) not the other way around - given he's the bad guy in the office.

Oh, and btw Maurice a query about your formatting i.e., that wide margin at the left seems off?? and fyi

INT. MEN'S ROOM - DAY - a period will suffice instead of your colon : and dash -.

Enjoyable read but like I said getting rid of 'the boss' would be the icing on the cake imh.

Quoted from LC Btw, 'sheafs of paper' not 'sheaves'

Must be a blue moon. As LC is wrong. Nothing incorrect about 'sheaves'. It is the plural for 'sheaf'.

I was going to tell a joke about condoms but alas, it isn't that funny and I can't be arsed.

R

Quoted from rendevous Must be a blue moon. As LC is wrong. Nothing incorrect about 'sheaves'. It is the plural for 'sheaf'. I was going to tell a joke about condoms but alas, it isn't that funny and I can't be arsed. R

Hmm, :-/.  I stand corrected.

In my defense, I make a habit of never correcting spelling without checking first. And, I looked it up cause I wasn't sure myself... I got this first:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sheave

But, you're right:

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/sheaf

It puzzled me cause I thought 'sheaf' already referred to the plural i.e., many things bundled together - but then it states sheaves is also plural. I guess sheaves is many bundles of sheafs.

So really, not a blue moon, more like inadequate checking but thanks for the backhanded compliment.  ;) I think.  ;D

Maurice

"INT: SOTWARE COMPANY OFFICE - DAY"

- Missing an "f" in "software"

"He takes a bite of the burger, sips the coke, and munches."

- Yuck, do people do that? I'm strictly a bite, munch, swallow then drink kinda guy ;)

"a pompous immaculate ass"

- That made me laugh.

I like the idea of the selfie edits becoming real i.e. the mole but I can't help wondering why he started taking selfie's in the first place. Was it to practice a yuck expression in case the Pretty Programmer looked his way again?

I was a little let down by the ending, was expecting more. What exactly I'm not sure. I thought maybe he might use the selfie to do something to Nigel, trip him up, pull down his pants, something embarrassing, you know. David can do what he wants here, make anything appear and disappear so I thought he would have something more clever up his sleeve instead of disappearing himself.

Anyway, interesting concept, lots of potential to play around with it I just felt this was a bit of a missed opportunity.

Col.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I'm strictly an bite, munch, swallow then drink kinda guy

My stomach just churned.

Quoted from Grey This is a really cute idea. I loved the ending and did not see it coming. One beef I have with this is the over description slows the read in my opinion. Tighten it up. You don't have to describe every little thing a character does. Overall and once tightened up, good job. Enjoyed this.

Thanks for the appreciation Punkin' Juice

Quoted from LC Yep, this is pretty funny. SPOILERS: Btw, 'sheafs of paper' not 'sheaves' and though I like the ending it might be more satisfying if David were to delete Nigel (the boss) not the other way around - given he's the bad guy in the office. Oh, and btw Maurice a query about your formatting i.e., that wide margin at the left seems off?? and fyi INT. MEN'S ROOM - DAY - a period will suffice instead of your colon : and dash -. Enjoyable read but like I said getting rid of 'the boss' would be the icing on the cake imh.

Thanks for the formatting tips LC. I used screenforge for formatting. I think I need to check the font as well.

Quoted from DustinBowcot My stomach just churned.

Colkurtz8 and Dustin, this guy is a nerd/weirdo etc., Just wanted to make it obvious. Maybe I could develop it along those lines into a feature length script. :)

Thanks for all the comments and the appreciation (And the corrections). Appreciate them all. And a special one to Rendevous and LC as well.

Hi Maurice - My thoughts - all simply my opinion:

I think you have a fascinating premise here, your idea of turning this into a feature is one I'd definitely go for. There really is a lot you can do and explore. In a way the short was below my expectations to me from the onset of the setting and characters, probably because the premise seems so much stronger.

I'm not sure if I liked the short itself as much as I like the idea, the ending does deliver though.

A few things confuse me.

Quoted Text He opens the webcam on his laptop. Sees himself. Makes the �Yuck� face that the girl made. Takes a snapshot. Makes more faces and clicks them.

Why is he randomly making faces? If this makes any sense I don't see it. I think you'll need something stronger to veer the plot to the actual selfie and the editing part. So here's a recommendation:

You've already established that he has a crush on that pretty programmer and eh, he ain't really got a chance. So he's a bit desperate to get himself out there. Maybe he's on some dodgy dating site and has to take a selfie for a profile picture? And he goes to edit it. Can't have a profile picture with that mole now, eh?

Quoted Text He suddenly sits up, shocked. He rubs his nose.

How did he find out his mole disappeared? Was it so heavy that he felt it disappearing? ;)

I'm not sure if you're trying to have a no dialogue short here, if not I'd recommend adding a few lines to Nigel. Maybe give him a ridicilous reason to yell at that programmer, make him more unlikable and add some funny lines. If we know for sure the reason is stupid, it adds to the characters and the reason for the programmer to give him the yuck face. But it works fine as a no dialogue short as well.

Your writing's good. A few tips that might come in handy though:

Merging sentences comes in handy in some situations and makes it flow easier:

Quoted Text He switches to a browser and runs an image search for diamonds. He takes a picture that shows a heap of diamonds. He edits the picture to remove the background, and then places it on his desk in the selfie.

He runs an image search for diamonds on his browser, chooses one with a heap of them, edits out its background and pastes the diamonds on the desk.

12 words less.

Repeating detail/bringing out where/what something is when it's quite obvious:

Quoted Text He opens the webcam on his laptop.

It's quite obvious that the webcam would be on his laptop. The laptop was also referenced just one line above.

Hope this was of some help. Hope to see more of you around the boards, Maurice. Good luck!

Maurice,

This one definitely has potential. A good little story but could definitely do with a little work.
There are a few spelling mistakes, you need to capitalise the other characters apart from David and I think you're guilty of over describing.

Also, I feel the ending could use a bit of work. Kinda fell flat for me. But maybe that's just me.

As I said though, it's a good little story. Good luck with it.

Glenn

"I have recently sold my short script The Selfie.  [...] It was great getting feedback and discussions on the same."

Maurice