Actions Will Kill You by John Cosmo - Short, Drama - After living a life full of regret, Greg starts fantasizing about making a mass murder that might become true. 11 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey John

A few thoughts... just my opinion of course

1) The logline needs some work, not sure how you make a mass murder, committing would be a better word
2) You introduce Greg with absolutely no descrition beyond the IT unifrom he's wearing, we need an age and some distinguishing characteristics.
3) I'm not sure what an IT uniform is? I work with a lot of IT people and they all wear normal(ish) clothes.
3) There seems to be a number of typos or misused words. e.g. the word 'curt' on the first page when I think you mean 'cut' and 'privet' when I think you mean 'private'. It's worth going through the script again and tidying these up as they break the flow up.
4) The dialogue seems very stilted and unnatural, e.g. there's no reason she'd call him child and the 'oh it can't be that important' bit doesn't sound realistic.

Having read to the end I can see the script has a lot of the above issues throughout, these all need fixing nd the english improving otherwise people wont read it.

From a story point of view I can see what you are trying to get to but I don't think you provide enough believable reasons for why Greg may go postal.

On the positive side I think the idea of Rose and how you use her shows promise and could be used more.

Hope that helps some.

Anthony

Hello Anthony

I do need to work on making loglines, that seems to be the number one comment people make about my scripts.  

I see what you're saying about the IT uniform, I was thinking of a polo of some sort, I should describe it more.

Curt actually means short or brief, I'm saying her hair is short. I showed the script to a few friends and they didn't catch that word. I guess it's not that common. I did go over the script to find spelling errors but this is my weakest point. I'm terrible at finding errors in grammar and words.

Thank you for reading the whole script btw that means a lot, not that many people do that. They just read a few pages and quite. So thank you, you're awesome.

No problem Cosmo my pleasure.

Re 'Curt', yes it does mean shortened, but as far as I'm aware it is always applied to speech, e.g. She replied curtly. I may be wrong of course... wouldn't be the first time ;-)

Anthony

Just read your script and I found it very confusing due to incoherent story telling. Try to create an image and  describe it as it should be seen on the big screen.
Avoid similes.
Your audience is not people in movie theathers, it's producers and people who make movies. They hate to read so try to make your script as simple and streamlined as possible.
Do not use beats, those are for shooting scripts and actors.
Dialogue needs work, in particular the first bit was very hard to follow.
Pick up Michael Hague's book, "Writing Screenplays That Sell."

Will look into it. Thanks  :)