PG 1
Quoted Text ALEX
Okay I kinda forgot. I just seen
her on one of T's Instagram posts,
but that was like 4 months ago and
that's the only picture I have.
She's like bundled up in the
picture though, so I can't tell if
it's fat or like clothes layers.
But I never go for fat girls. I
don't even like fat girls, I'm too
skinny for that. So I'm pretty sure
she's hot, or at least hot ish. |
Unless it is needed for the plot later on, I would nuke this line:
…But I never go for fat girls. I
don't even like fat girls, I'm too
skinny for that…
It immediately makes Alex appear shallow, less likeable.
PG 2-3
…Hey bro, Madison peed on the couch.
There is an opportunity for some physical comedy here. I would have Alex plop on the couch as he as texting – then immediately jump up and check out a large round stain on the back of his pants. The dialogue could be something akin to.
ALEX
Ah shit – piss.
(towards upstairs)
Hey bro, Madison peed on the couch.
Later on in the scene you have this.
Quoted Text ALEX (CONT’D)
Siri, How do you clean a pee stain
on the couch?... I don't have any
kids. I don't know what to do. |
The first line has a comedic touch. The second line doesn’t deliver on it. I would nuke the 2nd line and instead have SIRI respond. e.g: Did you say, how do you clean a tea stain from a cow? – or something like that.
PG 4 – Somewhat of a nit – but you have a Beyonce song playing. I’ve been told more than once that some would be producers of your script hate when they see copyrighted music in a scene since they have no idea whether or not they will ultimately be able to get the rights to the music. If instead this was just merely a discussion about Beyonce music you would be fine.
PG 5
Quoted Text ALEX (IGNORING HIM)
Then as y'all cuddling tell him
'don't forget about me'. Or 'You
make me feel a way I haven't felt
in a long time'. Then when he calls
you, you tell him you got back with
your ex. What type of stuff is
that? Plus, tattoos are so
overrated anyway. |
I got lost on the dialogue here (i.e, was totally confused).
PG 7
Quoted Text STEVE
Wait you knew she was over there
this whole time? |
There is a punctuation problem that occurs many places in the script – the above is an example. You need a comma after “Wait” – Saw this in several places. Another example:
Quoted Text ALEX
Yeah I know Gabby. What's up
birthday girl shots? Steve? Bar! |
There needs to be a comma after “know” – i.e., Yeah, I know, Gabby.
You need to go through each page and make sure they are grammatically correct. There are errors pretty much on every page.
PG 7 – 8
Quoted Text Scene goes into slow motion as ALEX looks up to see a
beautiful girl coming from the other end of the bar. She
pauses and swings her hair as she's looking for ALEX. She is
stunning long hair tight dress natural beauty with just a
touch of makeup. ALEX waves and gets up.
She smiles and turns around to lead them to her side. ALEX
turns toward STEVE and bites his fist in celebration at her
non fatness. They are escorted to a back room lounge with a
DJ and private bar. The place is moderately crowded and
upscale. TIFF leads them over to where her girls are sitting
on the couch drinking and talking. A girl named GABBY wearing
a tiara stands up and greets them. |
Very confusing as written. If Tiff is the girl, then introduce her right away. For example:
Scene goes into slow motion as ALEX looks up to see TIFF, a
beautiful twenty something girl coming from the other end of the bar….
Also, you need some physical description of GABBY when you introduce her.
Good luck with this - I think it has some funny stuff in it - but you do really need to go through it very carefully and fix the grammar and formatting errors.