The Gold Shield by Steve Meredith - Short, Drama - Newly minted detective Nick Vaughn is ready to start taking cases in the New York Police Department.  Before he does though, his Chief of Police sends him down to rural Kentuky, where a retired veteran of the force has some words of wisdom waiting for him.  The two discuss the job, as well as whether or not mankind is inherently good or evil in nature. 12 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hello Steve,

I read your entire screenplay and I'll be honest, (respectfully) I found it to be extremely boring and pointless.

First, I was very confused by the opening. I don't understand BLACKOUT - AFTERNOON... If the screen is black how can we tell it's afternoon? And if Nick is doing a Voice Over to a black screen how do we know that he is a detective? Also, how do you propose I shoot, Nick appears to be a few months shy of his 28th birthday? Just tell me Nick is in his late twenties. Effective screenwriting is simple and creates an image in the readers mind. Only write what you intend to be seen or heard on the screen.

The main problem is your screenplay completely lacks the most important elements of an engaging story... A clearly defined visible goal for the protagonist and conflict. Nick is not trying to achieve anything, he's just sitting and listening to a guy talk. He needs to be actively trying to pursue a goal that audience can watch and in the climax we see him succeed or fail.  

Unfortunately, there is absolutely zero conflict in this story. Basically nothing is at stake for the main character or the secondary characters. There are no obstacles and there is no tension between Ted and Nick. Plot arises out of Conflict. To say a King died is not a story. To say and King died and his queen died of grief is a plot.

I also had a lot of trouble with the dialogue because it is very stiff and too expositional. There are also very long patches of dialogue that ramble on for way too long and say very little.

Keep working at writing and trying to get better. Pick up Michael Hague's book "Writing Screenplays that Sell." He goes over all the necessary elements that make a strong screenplay and the elements of story as well.  

Good luck.

-Tom