Reflections by Steven Clark - Short, Drama - A woman reflects on her life as she cleans up after her husband. 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

A few thoughts, just my opinion of course.

I was dragged in quickly but then got a bit confused... not sure why she'd get up so early unless she was going to work, but then she runs to the store... would anyone do this before work or did I miss something.

I got that Phil wasn't very tidy, and that it annoyed her, but that's 99% of men and 99% of marriages... not sure I got enough from the build up to explain the denoument.

Well written though and could work well with a clearer rationale for the ending.

Anthony

Hey Steve,

Cool short. I was wondering where you were heading with it at first, but I'd say the ending paid off well. I didn't see it coming at all. It ties everything together well, and it works because you struck a good balance between what makes folks tick, but still keeping it in the realm of sincerity.

Dialogue didn't do it for me. You did such a good job telling the story that you probably don't even need it - at least most of it. Overall, good job. I always enjoy your themes, you excel at this every time.

Johnny

Hey Anthony,

Thanks for the read!

Quoted from AnthonyCawood I was dragged in quickly but then got a bit confused... not sure why she'd get up so early unless she was going to work, but then she runs to the store... would anyone do this before work or did I miss something.

Don't forget, she had a bowl of cereal in between that! But seriously, not sure how to respond to that... Perhaps she's an early riser. I think what's meant to be intended is that Phil has already passed, she knows it, so her day might not go how it normally does. I know that is not explained her, nor do I think it needs to be.

Quoted from AnthonyCawood I got that Phil wasn't very tidy, and that it annoyed her, but that's 99% of men and 99% of marriages... not sure I got enough from the build up to explain the denoument.

Well, that's really kinda the point in that it is so commonplace among us slobs called men. I figure that's it's something that, when reading, both men and women can relate to, perhaps broadening its appeal some.

Thanks again. Didn't realize that Terminal Z was in production when I read it yesterday... Congrats!

Steve

Hey Steven, just gave your script a read. Here are my simple thoughts.

Page 1.    It reads awkward to start the very first paragraph with negative something. Don't know what the proper term is, but telling us what we can't see doesn't seem right. You need to tell us what we see, not what we don't.

Just a thought here at the end of page 1. This is a 5 page script. So far, nothing has happened. A woman brushes her teeth and eats breakfast (which is weird anyway, don't people brush their teeth after they eat?) Her husband sleeps in the bed.

If something strange is going to happen or sa or whatever, IMHO, you at least need to hint at something on the first page.

Page 2.   IMO, those aren't really a series of shots that warrant their own special lines. Takes up extra lines for no reason. Filmmakers will shoot these. Editors will use them. They are not really story worthy, if you know what I mean.

Page 3.   A lot of Mindy talking to herself. Not a huge fan of that. Most people don't talk a lot to themselves out loud.

Page 4.   By now, Mindy starts to sound pretty whiny, IMO.

So, it turns out her husband Phil is dead.

I guess the point of this story is that Mindy complains about her husband, but when he's gone she's all upset and realize how important to her he was. Now that's fine, but I think you need to dig deeper into the story and the characters and their motives for this to work better. Right now it feels pretty flat to me. There is a story here at SS written by Helio Cordero who wrote a very funny and sad story about a family man who dies in his favorite TV watching share, but no one in his family notices. They are too busy with their own lives. Day in and day out, they keep walking by this man who is slowly starting to stink in the living room. That was an excellent story, because it explored the characters and how this tragedy could go on and on. I actually wanted to shoot that story myself. It was great. So sad. Tragic. I think that's what you need to work on here to elevate this story for some emotional impact.

Hope this can be of any help.  :)

Hi Steven,

I gave it a read. The story is solid - but I would like to see why he killed himself.

I like it, but I would have liked it better if I understood why he did it. Maybe you better change it to "she killed him". Or why would he kill himself? He wanted out, he didn't like his life... didn't want to be married to her just like her, but couldn't tell her - I don't know, but I would like to know.

The dialog didn't work for me. The lines on p3 are on the nose for me:
"You were so clean when we were dating"
I think you have to rework the dialog, but I'm no dialog expert, so don' tlisten  to me, listen to others.

Johnny,

Quoted from oJOHNNYoNUTSo Hey Steve, Cool short. I was wondering where you were heading with it at first, but I'd say the ending paid off well. I didn't see it coming at all. It ties everything together well, and it works because you struck a good balance between what makes folks tick, but still keeping it in the realm of sincerity.

Thanks for reading! I'm glad it worked for you. I tried to make it something that all of us, especially women, could relate to. Mindy could have easily passed for my wife. I keep telling her she's gonna miss me when I'm gone.

Also good to hear the ending was a surprise. I suck at twists/reveals. Something I've gotta work on, but this is a start.

Steve

I started getting really bored on page 2. I know that may seem a little early... but nothing is happening.

I think you could cut down some of the dialogue, allow the visuals to tell the story more... which you do a very good job of already, just could do with a tad more.

I like the twist ending.

I know you need a build up... I just think you need to make what she is doing more interesting. To be honest I stopped with this at page 2 yesterday... so something may need to be done about the first page to spice things up a bit.

Hi Steven,

I like the idea of the woman knowing but denying the fact that her husband has passed away. On the other hand, I think it would be better if he had just died from natural causes. The suicide thing leaves many questions, as Khamanna said, so maybe you should keep the story simple.

Also, after returning home, Mindy seems to lose touch with reality and just imagine things (the empty driveway, the new stain next to the empty coffee cup, the plate of eggs etc.). I understand that she is in a state of denial, but it isn't very plausible that she'd even imagine herself making the bed. Perhaps she could just be "seeing" certain things, without participating.

Like I said though, the main idea is good. I'd definitely be interested in reading a rewrite.

Manolis

Pia,

Thanks for taking a read. So far it seems that the first really needs work, and I agree with that. Especially with something as short as this, on that important page 1 there needs to be something more of a "grabber" to kind of let the reader know what kind of road they're going down. Point well taken.

As far as dialogue goes? You know, it never fails... The things that seem awkward to me as I'm writing are always picked up by the keen eye of the readers.

I spoke with an actress who read this and we both agreed this could work just as well with no dialogue at all, something I know you might have been pushing for for this months OWC. Looking back, it seems it might be the way to go here.

As far as that other short... That sounds really great. I wish I'd seen that.

Thanks for your time.

Steve

Steven

“No light comes through the windows, still too dark out. A
digital clock sits on a night stand by the bed. 5:28.”

- Could as easily be shorted to: “Dark outside. The night stand clock reads : 5:28” or “Still dark outside…” to avoid confusion since the slugline says its “MORNING”. Either way you could save a line there. Although, it’s only a 4 pager so I guess length isn’t really an issue.

“rolls off some paper towels, cleans the stain... again.”

- Why not use the sponge again and save on the paper towels? Sorry, you don’t have to respond to that ;) It just caught my attention.

MINDY
Remember about sweeping before you
left?
(laughs to herself)
I pay the bills, I keep everything in
this house organized. It's the least
you could do...

- I’m working off of presumptions here but hasn’t he just gone to work? Isn’t she the one at home? So he must be contributing to bills. On the other hand, this could be a clue that something else is going on here. Reading on...

MINDY
Sure, you go off to work without a
care in the world. Our son goes off to
college... Me? Still stuck here
cleaning your mess.

- Ok, so he has gone to work. Why isn’t he helping pay the bills then?

“On her hands and knees, scrubbing the bathtub.”

- I shiver to think what mess he’s left in the bathtub...;)

“then shuts the light.”

- Perhaps “turns off” or “switches off” would be more suitable than “shuts”

A well crafted and tragic twist at the end, I never saw it coming. Then again, I tend to miss these things. Not only was it effective emotionally but it answered my questions in the above page by page notes. I was ready to berate Mindy for her complaining and to cut Phil and her son some slack since the former was working while the latter was just living his own life and going to college. I felt her whining was unjust. As a result, I thought this was going to end with her taking her own life (with the pills) or leaving the house altogether.

I guess the absence of the car when she comes back and of course the absence of Phil really leads you away from the true nature of events but I didn’t feel cheated or anything, it fit within the script’s construct since we’re experiencing everything from Mindy’s point of view.

However, I did wonder, upon hindsight, where did the new coffee stain and half eaten plate of eggs and toast come from because Mindy only had cereal. I understand the messy bathroom and unmade bed because that was Mindy herself and the dusty hallway can be explained in that manner too but the food and coffee felt like unfair misleading of the reader…unless I’m missing something.

Also, I wondered about the way in which Phil died. I'm thinking he passed away in his sleep due to whatever ailment those pills were for or is something more sinister? I don't think it needs to be specified or anything, You've given us enough to interpret between the pills and the visual of him in bed. I was just curious.

Overall, good job with this, simple, self contained and producible. Not often I come across a script so short that’s able to justify itself. It’s a hard task which is why I don’t write them but this succeeded for what it was.

Col.

I think the dialogue works. I didn't think it did at first... but once the end is revealed it works. Maybe cut it down. I was going to make a note about the dialogue but dropped it after the reveal.

I also didn't assume he committed suicide... I thought the pills were hers for depression due to having to clean up etc...

Anyway, great story. You should really get a team together and film this.

I'll get to everyone's comments and questions on this but I did want to address this one:

Quoted from DustinBowcot Anyway, great story. You should really get a team together and film this.

My father in law's a professional photographer. He has all the necessary equipment to get this done, and has been bugging me to write something so we could make a film. So, I do plan on filming this myself.

Steve

Great news mate. If you're going to take it seriously you could add a little more story (often this can only mean an extra line or two) and take it to festivals. We're making our second film now and it's an amazing buzz. Probably even better than the buzz I get from finishing (really finishing) a story. Yeah, much greater than that come to think of it.

Your father-in-law will have to be the cinematographer, perhaps both work together on the production side of things... maybe also you should seek out a director, you'd be amazed the people willing to work for free on the right project. Pitch them, send them a copy of the script... just like you'd pitch a producer.

Maybe even look for some forgotten about actors see if they'd be interested. You never know. Many just like to keep their hand in the game and will do anything to stay on the ladder.

Hi Khamanna,

Thanks for the read. So far I think everyone has brought up the dialogue. I will be making some changes when I revisit this.

Quoted from khamanna I gave it a read. The story is solid - but I would like to see why he killed himself.

Who says he killed himself? Those pill bottle could have had anything on them really. I suppose you can say I left that open end, but when writing, his death was never meant to be suicide. I was thinking more like heart failure. But, I guess it can be open to interpretation.

Steve

Steve,

I liked the writing, glad to hear you are trying to film. Since we are both Long Island,  I volunteer to play the dead guy in the bed :) I think I can really nail the part.

You can really blow peoples minds if you change the end reveal to something like this:

She checks her reflection in the mirror, suddenly realizes what she must now do - -  exhales before reaching for the phone on the nightstand... Dials a short sequence...
            
                         MINDY
                    (into phone)
        Hello?   Ya, I'd like to report my husband's suicide.


Tony

Hey Steven,

Nice idea but it felt a little too abrupt.  Perhaps more insight into their relationship would help connect to Mindy a little more.

Will say the false perspective tripped me up a bit.  As far as I could tell we were seeing this through Mindy’s perspective -- so the constant cleaning up after Phil was in her imagination.  That’s your set-up, leading the reader to assume Phil’s alive.  The final reveal though was also a false perspective (if that’s the right term).  Usually one would set-up the other -- seeing Phil dead in the mirror seemed to suggest Mindy’s world was real.  Really there’s nothing here to ground us in reality.  Maybe something to think about -- though maybe I’m completely missing the point?

Again a good idea, think another draft might help smooth out some issues.

all the best,

Steve.

Hey Manolis,

Thanks for the look.

Quoted from Athenian Hi Steven, Also, after returning home, Mindy seems to lose touch with reality and just imagine things (the empty driveway, the new stain next to the empty coffee cup, the plate of eggs etc.). I understand that she is in a state of denial, but it isn't very plausible that she'd even imagine herself making the bed. Perhaps she could just be "seeing" certain things, without participating. Manolis

You're right. She is imagining all if this--empty driveway, plate off eggs, coffee cup, etc. it could be construed as a cheat, but I needed it to get the impact I was going for in the end. The reflection of her husband in the end concludes her break from reality--then the truth.  I'm glad some aspects of this worked for you. Thanks again.

Steve

Hey Col!

Quoted from Colkurtz8 “rolls off some paper towels, cleans the stain... again.” - Why not use the sponge again and save on the paper towels? Sorry, you don’t have to respond to that ;) It just caught my attention.

If you'd like, during the rewrite I'll add the sponge.  :)

Quoted from Col - I shiver to think what mess he’s left in the bathtub...;)

Not even gonna touch that one!

Quoted from Col A well crafted and tragic twist at the end, I never saw it coming.

Thanks, man. I suck at reveals and twists, so that's nice to hear.

Quoted from Col However, I did wonder, upon hindsight, where did the new coffee stain and half eaten plate of eggs and toast come from because Mindy only had cereal. I understand the messy bathroom and unmade bed because that was Mindy herself and the dusty hallway can be explained in that manner too but the food and coffee felt like unfair misleading of the reader…unless I’m missing something.

Well, like you said, this is all from Mindy's point of view. So, if the missing car worked, then why didn't the plate of eggs and coffee? Is it a little misleading? Yes. But I felt it fair in regards to Mindy's imagination getting the best of her throughout. I think a little misdirection was the best way to get the story where it needed to go. Hope that makes sense.

Quoted from Col Also, I wondered about the way in which Phil died.

I'm thinking heart ailment or something. Suicide, or something involving his wife never crossed my mind. If I film this, I may have to think more about those pill bottles because I didn't want anyone to think Mindy had anything to do with Phil's death.

Quoted from Col Overall, good job with this, simple, self contained and producible. Not often I come across a script so short that’s able to justify itself. It’s a hard task which is why I don’t write them but this succeeded for what it was.

Thank, Col. Glad this worked for you.

Steve

Col.[/quote]

Quoted from DustinBowcot Great news mate. If you're going to take it seriously you could add a little more story (often this can only mean an extra line or two) and take it to festivals. We're making our second film now and it's an amazing buzz. Probably even better than the buzz I get from finishing (really finishing) a story. Yeah, much greater than that come to think of it. Your father-in-law will have to be the cinematographer, perhaps both work together on the production side of things... maybe also you should seek out a director, you'd be amazed the people willing to work for free on the right project. Pitch them, send them a copy of the script... just like you'd pitch a producer. Maybe even look for some forgotten about actors see if they'd be interested. You never know. Many just like to keep their hand in the game and will do anything to stay on the ladder.

Thanks for the well wishes and advice. I'll let you know how it goes. Just spoke with my father in law tonight, so we'll see...

Quoted from TonyDionisio Steve, I liked the writing, glad to hear you are trying to film. Since we are both Long Island,  I volunteer to play the dead guy in the bed :) I think I can really nail the part. You can really blow peoples minds if you change the end reveal to something like this: She checks her reflection in the mirror, suddenly realizes what she must now do - -  exhales before reaching for the phone on the nightstand... Dials a short sequence...                                       MINDY                     (into phone)         Hello?   Ya, I'd like to report my husband's suicide. Tony

Thanks, Tony. We should get together one night for a beer!

Sorry, I got myself penciled in as the dead guy.

Incidentally, my original ending did have her calling the police, but I dropped it and cut it short. Didn't seem necessary to go any further with it.

Steve

Steve,

Thanks so much for the read!

Quoted from stevemiles Nice idea but it felt a little too abrupt.  Perhaps more insight into their relationship would help connect to Mindy a little more.

Yeah, I can think of a couple things for that.

Quoted from Steve The final reveal though was also a false perspective (if that’s the right term).  Usually one would set-up the other -- seeing Phil dead in the mirror seemed to suggest Mindy’s world was real.  Really there’s nothing here to ground us in reality.  Maybe something to think about -- though maybe I’m completely missing the point?

It was meant to be that Phil's reflection in the mirror finally brought Mindy - and us - back into reality, seeing as after he supposedly left for work he was nowhere to be seen. Her break from reality occurs when she leaves the house, only to return when she last enters the bedroom.
I hope that explains it a little better 'cause I'm starting to get confused now.

Steve

Quoted from SAC Well, like you said, this is all from Mindy's point of view. So, if the missing car worked, then why didn't the plate of eggs and coffee? Is it a little misleading? Yes. But I felt it fair in regards to Mindy's imagination getting the best of her throughout. I think a little misdirection was the best way to get the story where it needed to go. Hope that makes sense.

- Mmm, I dunno, I think there is a difference between showing the car there and then not because its passive and purely visual, an apparition. With the eggs/toast leftovers and new coffee stain she actually interacts with it, its active. Thus I think it is a little unfairly misleading in making us believe she is sharing the house with someone else. I say this within the context of the script's rules since the other "signs" of Phil are either passive or could be explained by Mindy doing them herself i.e. the dusty hallway, ruffled bed sheets and recently used bathroom.

Anyway, it doesn't really matter as the script will still work without those through the hallway, bathroom and bed sheets. Or you could just have her spot the eggs/toast leftovers and new coffee stain but nothing more...or you could just ignore this pedantic a?shole ;)

Quoted from SAC I'm thinking heart ailment or something. Suicide, or something involving his wife never crossed my mind. If I film this, I may have to think more about those pill bottles because I didn't want anyone to think Mindy had anything to do with Phil's death.

- Like I said, I don't think you need to explicitly tell us, leaving it somewhat ambiguous is fine, let us do some reflecting and speculating of our own. Although, I think most people will assume, due to the pills, that his death was related to that and no foul play or suicide was involved.

Best of luck going forward with this.

Col.

Steven,

okay, I misunderstood the time frame here.  So Phil was actually in the bed and only recently deceased?  For some reason I thought he’d been dead a while and this was the culmination of Mindy’s psychosis in seeing a flashback to his death.  That was my take on it.  

This is probably why I usually steer clear of the psychological stuff...  :)

Buddy!

First off... flip your freaking avator, it's straining my neck :D

Second... WTF did I just read!
You know I had to write it :D

Where are you popping all these short scripts from?
This one makes for another interesting read and to follow in the trend of a few of your shorts... it involves a dead person. :D

I liked it bro, it did have a slow start and I was wondering where you were going with it, alot of cleaning up after the husband( I thought you were talking to my wife for a moment).

So Mindy is on some form of denial that her husband recently passed. So much so that she is letting him rot on the bed, if she is worried about cleaning I'd do my best to get rid of the body :D

Another well wrote piece from you Steve... cleaning up after someone else, reminds me of a collaboration :D:D:D

Mark

Quoted from Colkurtz8 - Mmm, I dunno, I think there is a difference between showing the car there and then not because its passive and purely visual, an apparition. With the eggs/toast leftovers and new coffee stain she actually interacts with it, its active. Thus I think it is a little unfairly misleading in making us believe she is sharing the house with someone else. I say this within the context of the script's rules since the other "signs" of Phil are either passive or could be explained by Mindy doing them herself i.e. the dusty hallway, ruffled bed sheets and recently used bathroom.

That's a good point, Col. Never looked at it that way, therefore absolving me of all blame.  :P
It was my intention to mislead the reader, but not to "unfairly" mislead.

Quoted from Col - Like I said, I don't think you need to explicitly tell us, leaving it somewhat ambiguous is fine, let us do some reflecting and speculating of our own. Although, I think most people will assume, due to the pills, that his death was related to that and no foul play or suicide was involved.

That's good. Speculation is good as well. But to think it was suicide, for me anyway, takes away the meaning of the story; she actually loved her husband very much in spite of how many times she's had to clean up after him.

Thanks again, Col!

Steve

Hey Steve

I quite liked this story but I think you could tighten the descriptions a little, as it some parts were a bit awkward to read.

SPOILERS!!

I gather Phil is dead and has been for a while?

This gives the whole story a kind of eerie feel that Mindy can't let go and move on.  I did wonder about the disappearing car and coffee stains, was it in her imagination?  I was thinking you were going to throw a few flashbacks at the end showing Mindy leaving coffee stains and moving the other car, like trying to keep the routine of her passed husband.

Overall though it was a nice little read and I enjoyed it.

Quoted from irish eyes Buddy! First off... flip your freaking avator, it's straining my neck :D

Weird. It's right side up on my iphone.

Quoted from Mark cleaning up after someone else, reminds me of a collaboration :D:D:D

We'll see who's cleaning up after who when all's said and done, bro.

Thanks for reading, pal!

Steve

Hey Alffy,

Thanks for the look see!

Quoted from alffy I gather Phil is dead and has been for a while?

It might be conceived that way. But I only imagined him dead for a little while--the course of the night perhaps. In Phil's description I never mentioned him decayed or smelling funny, soo...   ;D

Quoted from Alffy I was thinking you were going to throw a few flashbacks at the end showing Mindy leaving coffee stains and moving the other car, like trying to keep the routine of her passed husband.

Nice idea! I'll have to remember that for something in the future, perhaps.

Quoted from Alffy Overall though it was a nice little read and I enjoyed it.

Thanks! Appreciate the kind words.

Note: After three days of this being posted I sold it! Thanks, Don! And thanks to all the commenters who kept this near the top and visible!

Steve

Quoted from SAC Note: After three days of this being posted I sold it! Thanks, Don! And thanks to all the commenters who kept this near the top and visible! Steve

Congrats Steve, hope it works out well.

I read through the script and the comments to make sure I am not being redundant. My two-cents on the dialogue is that most of it is unnecessary. In this case, the actions and displayed emotions can tell the story. Not much else to add as everyone pretty well covered it. I would like to see it as a short film.

Ian

Quoted from Iancou My two-cents on the dialogue is that most of it is unnecessary. In this case, the actions and displayed emotions can tell the story. Not much else to add as everyone pretty well covered it. I would like to see it as a short film. Ian

Thanks for reading, Ian. Yeah, almost everyone told me the same regarding the dialogue. And I definitely agree. I think the right actress can knock this out of the park through expressions and emotion, with perhaps minimal dialogue only.

Steve

Thanks for the well wishes, Alfy!

Congrats Steve

Anthony

Hey Steve,

Just read this and I haven't read the other comments so sorry if I repeat what others have said.

Mindy talking to herself seemed so odd. I think if you do film this you'll see how unnatural it all is because in general people don't talk out loud when they are on their own, they talk in their head. Most of what she says is unnecessary anyway, we can see her frustrations with her actions. And that's great as the golden rule is show, don't tell.

Then I got to the end and the twist turned it on it's head. Someone in that mental state maybe would talk out loud to themselves! The problem is in waiting until the end to explain to the audience why she's acting so odd you may have lost them, even in this short  space of time.

Silence here could be so much more powerful but that's just my point of view. Have a great time filming this and I hope you enjoy it.

All the best,

Mark

Thanks, Anthony. Continued success to you.

Mark,

Thanks for reading this! Many people pointed out the dialogue is somewhat unnecessary. I agree, and with a good actress the silence could really make this shine as a film, I think. Hopefully, I'll find out soon.

Steve

It was an interesting little short. The ending was unexpected, but there are moments that I believe can be tightened up.

Mindy comes in, already dressed, her day has begun-pg. 1, we know her day has begun as she is dressed and turns off the alarm.
I also may have missed the significance of the car being gone when she returns from the store.

good short though!
Nemo

Nemo,

Thanks for the read, man!

Quoted from nemo Mindy comes in, already dressed, her day has begun-pg. 1, we know her day has begun as she is dressed and turns off the alarm.

Artistic license there. Not too big a deal, I feel, as I was just telling the reader something he/she may not have known.

Quoted from nemo I also may have missed the significance of the car being gone when she returns from the store.

The car being gone was meant to suggest that her husband has left the house, which he hasn't, but she believes he has. In other words, as another commenter said, I was trying to fool the reader... a little bit.

Steve

SPOILERS:
I think the ending IS open to interpretation. Enough so that the reader (viewer) could wonder how long he's been dead. Was he dead when she got up? Was he dead the day before? The week before? It makes it  more fun.

This is why I think you  should keep the dialogue. Talking to herself  (chiding Phil) works as misdirection. It gives things more impact when you switch gears at the end.

I recommend changing the way you handle the car being gone and the plate of eggs, so that  you're not cheating us, even a little.

Quoted from Stumpzian I recommend changing the way you handle the car being gone and the plate of eggs, so that  you're not cheating us, even a little.

Not even a little. There might be another way to do that. I'll have to think on it.

Anyway, thanks for the read. And congrats on your OWC success!

Steve

Just came out of my 6 month hiatus and boy does it feel good. First day back, so it's only fitting I read something new from my ol' pal Mr. Clark.

Reflections: Nice story, bro. Now that I've read it, it has a Psycho feel to it. Looking back, I could imagine Mindy as a deranged lunatic who's off her Meds and oblivious to the fact that Phil lies dead in bed. Every step she takes, complaining about the mess in the house, the other car missing, could easily be her in her own crazy world not knowing it's her own until you reveal her madness at the end. How sick or crazy would it be if maybe you showed Mindy in the bathroom with a bottle of make up, but the make up is not for her, it's for Phil who she touches up his face to appear to her that he looks alive but he's really rotting in bed. Sick I know, but that's how my mind works:)

Regardless, I like what you have. Dialogue works fine for me, could be more if maybe you added a psychotic angle to the story but either way I like where you took the story. Creepy vibe throughout. Congrats!


Great job, bro!

Dirk

Okay, so i originally didn't get it so i read it two times over and then thought it was suddenly brilliant. but then i read it again, and i didn't get it again....

Who was she cleaning up after? was she showing her life before his death? Was she just hallucinating, reminiscing over the  "good" old days?

Yeah, she must have been just thinking back at all her "problems" but then reality set in that those were better days than the latter. Poor lady.

Overall this was a good script though. I can't wait to read the comments. I would like to see this filmed too.

Dirk!

What is up? Good to see your around again. Been way too long. Thanks, as always, for the read. You do have a sick mind, sir. Nothing like what you said ever crossed my mind. This wasnt meant to be a horror, or creepy. This was a drama, but I do like your suggestions and your way of thinking on this. I guess my mind works the other way.

Hope everything's going well for you, buddy!

Jeanpierre,

Thanks for checking this out. Twice.

Basically, she was so in denial that her husband was dead she "willed" him alive to the point where she saw things that told her he was still alive. That bathtub cleaning, the missing car, that plate of eggs and the stain on the counter.

If you need something of yours read just PM me. That goes for anyone really. Thanks and Happy Thanksgiving all!

Steve