Daffodil by Christina Wollerman - Comedy - A narcissistic shrink pursues his dream of being the next Dr. Phil and strives to truly help people so he can prove that he's more than just a pretty face. 97 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hello Christina,

I read your entire screenplay and I must say that you are a tremendous writer. You have a very strong command of how to create an image in the mind of the reader. You know when to use the right words at the right time to develop the scene quickly, which is so important to screenwriting. Also you know the structure of the story using "beats" at the right moments throughout the screenplay.

Even though Nathan can be very unlikable you create enough empathy for him so the reader is always on his side. I think Nathan is a really strong protagonist and following his story was a real treat for me. You kept me rooting for him.

Also the story has crediblity in that the characters around Nathan act in a way that makes sense. In particular Officer Patton and Rhoda. I really liked Homeless Sue as well.  

Lastly, I found the use of the Daffodil as quite brilliant.

To offer some critisism I feel like Act 3 needs some work. I found it confusing to follow Nathan's progression of realization that he is not attractive. I think its a cool idea that needs to be more fleshed out and clearified because I didn't understand why he sees himself as attractive in the end.

Also the character of Eden is problematic. It may be he's still lost in his own delusion but I don't feel like he really helped Eden; I think Eden probably got real help when she was in the institution and that's where she got healthy.

In closing, thank you for this script; it was a really fun read. I think you are extremely talented and I hope that I get to see your screenplays come to life on the big screen one day!

Christina,

Read to page 64 and had to put it down before I was late to work. I'll finish it tonight and give you my advice. So far so good. It's really good. You crossed the barrier of stock characters to breathing ones. Fell in love with your story at the bridge.

Job. Well. Done.

Talk soon.

Two days ago I finished what they call "a vomit draft" here. It was a feature script about a psychiatrist getting a TV show. I read the logline to this and it seemed similar to what I had written. I read 25 pages of this and quickly scrolled through the rest. It's eerily similar. Mine being more violent and wacky. But there are similarities.

This was nicely written from what I read. Seems like the writer is experienced and she knows what she's doing. Most likely not her first rodeo.

I saw an interview a few years back with the guy that adapted the screenplay to Fight Club. They asked him what was his biggest fear. I remember he said... that someone, somewhere was writing the same thing that he was.

There is no escaping coincidences. There's always going to be something similar out there. Oh, well...

EDIT: Okay so I read the whole thing... it's not really close to what I have written. There are some similarities but nothing too drastic. Sometime we look for these things. The tones are different. This was really well written, made for a fast read. I think maybe the main character is a bit too cartoony. Bit too much of a caricature. Of course, a good director could mold this into something interesting, depending on the tone he sets. All in all, a good effort. I don't have more precise notes because I read this REAL fast, just to see how it matches up to what I have written. Out of curiosity about it being similar.  Good luck with it.

Demento,

Don't worry so much about the similarity in scritps... In fact it may work in your favor. Let's say Daffodil get's made into a feature and is financially successful. When you pitch your script to a producer you can add that Christina's script was successful so yours will be too.
Good luck
-Tom

Christina,

Sorry it took so long to get back to you. I said I would a few days ago and I lied.

I like how it ends: it's sad. Like real life, like how it should end. With that being said, the twist of Nathan being unattractive bothered me. See, the whole time I was reading this I thought he was this pseudo narcissist trying to be a good person..and he was, there were definite moments that showed his humanity, then you wrote a twist at the end..I'm assuming to tie in a theme that was already established. Yes, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You wrote the expression beautifully. I only hope that was your intention with the film. The use of Daffodils was fucking brilliant.

Nathan and Eden don't need to end up together, but she shouldn't be a figment of his imagination toward the end. That's my opinion at least. Sorry. I just got really excited about the story and then the last twenty five pages bummed me out because it didn't correlate with the moods/scenes/characters/themes set up from the get go.

This is up to you to change obviously, and if you do it'll take a week tops.

Not to nitpick, but throwing out nods to great films in a logline isn't the best way to get your stuff read. I actually doctored other scripts this week before yours simply because you threw Marty's name in the mix, not that I know him or anything...

Turns out Daffodil was wayyyy better than anything this week. Anyone who says otherwise doesn't appreciate dramatic writing.

Lastly, here's a SLIGHTLY better version of your logline:

A narcissistic shrink pursues his dream of being the next Dr. Phil and strives to truly help people so he can prove that he's more than just a pretty face.

Honestly who gives a shit if your logline is good? You wrote a great story.

nghstrick@yahoo.com

I want to direct this.

I didn't really like the logline, but I gave it a shot.
I really like the characters, even side characters like Rhoda feel real and dimensional.
The ending was pretty good with the real Nathan.

A minor suggestion, a few descriptions are not needed as they can't be filmed.
"Her angry heart broken"-pg 3, this is made obvious from her actions. A couple moments like this and the logline are my only minuscule gripes to an excellent script. Well done.

Nemo

Wow, thanks so much, everybody!! It's so great to have unbiased readers. I'm taking each of your suggestions to heart; you've given me a lot to think about. You guys are awesome.
JackS, I like your logline suggestion. I'm changing it on the site as soon as I figure out how to do it.

Thank you thank you thank you ALL!!

Quoted from ChristinaW JackS, I like your logline suggestion. I'm changing it on the site as soon as I figure out how to do it.

Christina:

You'll have to ask an admin to do it. You can email webmaster@simplyscripts.com or PM Bert, the sub-admin.

Welcome to SS.

Thanks, DS.
All done with the logline changing!