A Soldier's Search by David Nigel - Short, Horror - As a raging war threatens humanity, a soldier must find his family before the horrors of another world get to them. (R ) - pdf, format 8)

Quoted Text NOTE TO READER: EVERYTHING IS M.O.S (WITHOUT SOUND)

Don't get on my bad side on page one. Just write silence if you have to. By the way, the note to me is incorrect. David can hear in THE FLASHBACKS. Also, while he may not hear during the battle with the alien demon horde, we can. See p8 and 9 ("swoosh")

Quoted Text HALF OF BANK�S HEAD HAS BEEN SLICED OFF.

Doesn't need to be in ALL CAPS. Come to think of it, it doesn't need to be there at all. The Next line shows us what happened to Banks. The line before this had David seeing his death.

You'll need a BACK TO SCENE after the flashback with Amy and her veggies. At the very least you "EXT. UNKNOWN SURROUNDINGS" again. By the way, as I take down such a note, yes, I'm going to no let not that slide either. Give me a proper location.

The SIDE ALLEY (p6) is an EXT. location.

***

I dont mind th e Edge Of Tommorow Live Die Repeat,  and Battle LA like action. But with all the above clunky stuff, I can't really invest much into the script, Not sure what the FLASHBACKS had to do with anything.

The script isn't horrid, but it isn't executed that well either.

A BIG idea packed into 10 pages. One hell of a budget needed.

The War Zone is a unique setting.  Surreal atmosphere.

I'd cut back a bit on the sometimes lengthy commentary/asides in the writing:
''Sadly, that would be the better way to go'

And the author intervention:
'Who's unaware of the immediate fucking threat that’s chasing
after him.'

Good fun read with an idea that's definitely different but has echoes of 'War of the Worlds' and District Nine.

I got a Predator feeling almost straight away. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's much better than a Piranha or Jaws III feeling. They're very similar to the feeling you get when you've got the trots and you're a long way from a lavatory. Or even a field. Moving on...

'as blood pellets on his face' - I read that a coupla of times and it still doesn't work. I think it needs rephrasing.

I think you need more description of the creatures. Without it it's not half as good as it could be.

Not often you see fucking swearing in a bloody action line. Took me quite by bastard surprise. Fuck.

It's pure action. So the dialogue challenge barely comes into it. But that's not a criticism.

Some of the tone was a bit off to me. But this thing is full of speed and action. And there's not enough of that about.

R

This feels more like a sci-fi action flick to me. I'm not horrified whatsoever. I think horror needs to be built up. Not so sure it's a good idea going right in like this, especially as it's a war setting. I dunno, maybe the horror will come later.... but I've already seen the aliens now, already seen them kill people, so I'm not sure how I'm supposed to get scared about anything later.

I don't want to read 10 pages that are all going to be the same as page 1.

Your writing is fine. The story isn't for me. Just not my thing. It's not you, it's me.

The logline says he's looking for his family, so I expected that to be the driving force in the story. It wasn't, as far as I could tell.  Fixing that would give the story more focus. Plenty of good war action a la Starship Troopers, although it gets a little numbing after a while. Having characters "mouth" dialogue is a weak way to get around the rules of the Challenge. Same for passing notes. It's still dialogue.

Ha-hey! I could've mistaken this as my writing had my memory been erased for that first half page. Eerily similar to how I write, even to the single space before bolded slug changes, hmmm...

A few things to note, which I find clears up the rhythm one needs to achieve when one writes like this... Be fast and jab the sentences at the reader, try and keep the thought in a description held to a single sentence or else it reads awkwardly. Or maybe I'm just trying to force my view point down your throat. Stuff like,

"Then... an EXPLOSION.
Everything goes quiet other than a constant RINGING." Reads off for me. "Then... an EXPLOSION. Casting the sounds into an ear numbing ring. Taking us to...

DAVID"

I think I got carried away there, but I hope you see what I mean.

"NOTE TO READER: EVERYTHING IS M.O.S (WITHOUT SOUND)" Don't do this, your use of language is trying to immerse the reader into the story but the notes throw them right back out. "The scenes lack sound, and will continue like this for their entirety", although that's also as terrible, I got nothing.

"which is a
far cry from --
NOW" I'm still convinced I somehow wrote this and forgot.

Well, it's hard to judge this one, I quite like it as is, I think there's a really nice world waiting to be harvested into a bigger story. A lot of potential for something bigger and better, the familial matters felt... Cramped, so to say, as if you wanted them there but they just weren't executed in the reader's head as they should. The potential for something special is definitely there, and I think the whole emotional value feels a little contrived and forced more than anything. Would it have helped had you had more pages? Depends on how you would write it to be honest.

Regardless, I enjoyed the story (and especially the writing). Had Edge of Tomorrow vibes to it.

This is not for me - images of war and all...

But I still gave it a read.

It's tough for me to read something without being invested in a character and without having an idea of what he's doing and why.

David is running somewhere. I guess to run away from the horrors of war. But where?
I see from the logline that he wants to save his family. Do I see it in the script - it comes up very late in the script.

There are a lot of characters for me, and I don't know the important ones.

I think you need to simplify this thing. Start with David's story. What he wants, where he heads. Imagery is not important. Although the description in this is quite impressive.

Nice budget. ;) Second OWC script I've read now that doesn't stand a chance of being produced.

I think a good job has been done creating the chaos environment here. Despite feeling incomplete with the low page count it feels complete if that makes any sense. The over-nuanced action lines added to made the script jump off the page. While they usually don't work, I think they set the mood well here. I liked the small flashbacks about David's family and the mutual respect part with Nigel.

P4: The logline says that he's looking for his family. Therefore I'd change the word "spots" by making him head for the portal. The universe could feel more complete if the portal was established. Less of a deus ex machina just for David. Also isn't the London bridge a horrible place to have the portal, strategically for the otherworld creatures? Blow up the bridge and everything coming through ends up in the water. Would probably be the first step the humans would take.

Instead of fantasy horror this feels a lot more like an invasion sci-fi. This was in my opinion pretty good along with how the dialogue was handled, but unfortunately it doesn't feel in genre.

Another cool concept with an interesting world being built. I thought the slogan was humorous, “We need your service. October 31st - 1st November” I guess they send everyone home November 2nd? It does seem to indicate they anticipated this. Perhaps it happens every year? There’s a lot of backstory to potentially develop here.

There was something sweet about the fact that the only line of dialogue is from Claire, but I think the dialogue restrictions hurt this story. It’s impossible to tell during the early stages what David’s goal is. He’s thrown into chaos. Fine. He holds up with a family. Good. But I’m missing a beat. At some point David makes a decision to abandon the front lines and search for his family instead. But when? After saving Nigel’s family? During their “discussion”? Before he even lost his hearing?

Without knowing where that moment was, I was never sure where David’s head was at until he arrived at the refuge. So I’d try to get that moment in there, preferably in the middle somewhere as it would allow David to arc. Once that’s in place I think you’d have a nicely structured story here.

Like the use of Tinnitus to get around the dialogue -- very novel.  Does the Tinnitus play throughout?  Reminds me of a scene from Come and See, where the main character survives an explosion and wanders around with a constant ringing on the soundtrack.  Disturbing and effective.  Not sure it wouldn’t get annoying here as the plot continues to play out.

Though aren’t we supposed to be hearing this from David’s perspective?  Would we hear anything else -- like the SNAPPING APART (no need to cap the ‘apart’ IMO, it’s not a sound) like twigs?  

Not keen on the NOW in place of a slug.  I see what you’re going for with the quick jump, but slugs are more a technical description to keep track of scenes.  Best not to lose the reader by making up your own format.

If Nigel understands David is deaf, then why continue to introduce himself and the girls?  Is it important?

That’s one powerful candle.  What’s the nest made out of?  presumably a human body?

p.7 Nigel speaks -- wouldn’t this be David given he’s the one that subsequently leaves?

So the sign on the bus is a slugline?

So neither of them noticed the Giant Beast? Maybe a rename to Sneaky Giant Beast.

I did quite like David’s hearing coming back in time for him to hear his daughter calling.  

More sci-fi/action than horror/fantasy.  Writing feels rushed in places with a number of formatting hiccups and logic issues -- which is a shame as there were some good moments (especially at the outset).  With more time and planning no doubt you could put together an entertaining action script.  

Unfortunately this is a fail from me as Nigel/David spoke in the factory:

‘Nigel speaks... David notices the odd word... going...
family... Enough to know that Nigel realizes.’

That you didn’t format it as such doesn’t make it less so.

The old SS..let's see what this brings...

Ok, I would have a guess on who wrote this...until Mo reviewed it above.

Look. I. Applied the action, the dynamic descriptions etc but so ethi gI smissing. Now what is it...

# well first off I don't feel attached to anybody

# next this is a wall of action so we don't have time to breath

# I suppose the connection method of -- is fine but is it possible that some work , some don't

Getting back to basics in terms of start, middle and end, I don't feel this process. It feel like a wall of data.

Not bad, just needs some tweaks etc

A SOLDIER'S SEARCH

Hello,

I can imagine this gets "huge" attention if somebody would film a vision like that, even as a short. It's expensive, undoubtedly; still, there is a market for CGI and Green screen and all that stuff; and also, the costs could be reduced if there's a team who loves to do that computer stuff. I experienced there are a lot of people who love graphics and want to show up their stuff.

The concept is striking, distinctive. And I don't mean the story. The story isn't that important to me here. It's that Starship Troopers stuff in the jungle, and then the teleportation to a burning London which is fighting to defend itself against those killing insects' invasion. Both settings are great.

It's an opportunity for creative modern artists, with their computers, to bring their visual concepts and especially "skills" on screen. Those guys are so easily able to let those insects climb on the tower bridge and cause chaos.

Some short films have already introduced those fresh and modern artists to the industry successfully,
on the other side the audience watches those shorts because they can have great visuals for free. A can of beer and 5 minutes of Sci-Fi gore with killer bugs in the jungle and London city- that's it.

If you try something like that, "Make the title as bold and direct as possible" would be my personal advice. It's not about a soldier's search from the perspective I describe above (which I think is the only possible worth here). It's about: "Bug massacre in London" – I hope you understand the philosophy that I think such a bold attempt needs a title which represents the audience's worth for watching it by 100%.

The great concept is the thing here for me, so you see my kudos and why I don't want, or need, from my view, to go into the story any further.

The direction and the possible result would be a blast in opposite to film just another average short drama for a few thousand clicks if that.

Hard to find some interested artists who would be needed, for sure. Good Job.

Action packed. Fun. Scary. Emotional. Good setting. For me, it just has the wrong 1 speaker.

A very enticing opening. The action of war. The strange 2 suns. Yes,  some Sci Fi. I'm super intrigued already. I like the staccato rhythm of action descriptions. I woukd prefer another way to offset them though. Im just not a huge fan of constant dashes -- -- I feel like you could also embellish some creature details. so far this short gives me a vibe of EDGE OF TOMORROW or STARSHIP TROOPERS' opening.

I wonder if there's a better way to transition flashback. Feels too jarring and abrupt. Cool monster chase. Would prefer to stay in jungle for better visuals and atmosphere and sound. Desert portal leads to London falling. Epic stuff. Bold imagery. I really like the billboard too. Concise. Quick. Perfect way to show us exposition.  Every year these monster aliens attack on Halloween. Which hints at larger mystery effectively. How did this portal open the 1st time? How did they get to this point of preparation?

The intense chase continues and dominates the page count. That makes this intense and exciting throughout. Probably pretty scary on screen. To better excuse whispers/mouthing words maybe Dave enters and shushes them with a finger. Shhh. The flashbacks feel unnecessary so far. For me, flashbacks must be essential since they skid the main story to a halt. It'd be more intriguing if he bursts in and says "where's my wife?" rathef than showing flashbacks.

I need a better excuse for why they write messages vs talk. I like how you make it clear that the portal works both ways. This guarantees clarity. I just love that this opened on alien planet, then he portalled here. I haven't seen that transition yet with this OWC.

I also like that they are safe, barricaded from horror outside, and how the infected man bursts alien monsters from within. A good spin on the zombi-bit human in an isolated setting with healthy survivors. Cool. Now it's out of the frying pan and into the fire. I like that the house fire forces them outside, from critters to giant monsters. Fun. Nope. Instead they easily find a new sanctuary as we cut to an office setting(?) Hmm. I would have preferred a battle to the death or something.

I would have preferred a transition to refugee camp instead of factory stuff. That Amy scene was sad. They may have lost London but humanity survives. I see why you saved the 1 speaker for later. I like thd bittersweet satisfaction of the end. But when all is done, I really think you should give that speaking role to Dave. The end would still be emotional in silence.

Exciting. Scary. Could be tightened up.    *  *  *  (of 5)

Lots of action here, not feeling the horror vibes.

Lots of asides too - some worked, some didn't. It's tricky to sneak them in while sustaining a visual. Readers are fast to throw flags at them because it feels like the writer is present - which is half the point, it brings out the voice.

I was a bit disappointed by the lack of kills, you have 4 characters at the mid-point just begging to get iced. I will say the war against the creatures was awesome, with intense action lines to boot. And the description for Richmond Park was chilling.

Wow, major Starship Troopers vibe here!  Very well written (though admittedly so FX heavy that only Cameron could hope to produce this short.)  I actually do feel this could be trimmed a bit - it runs slightly long.  But OWC, or no OWC, very nice SF short...  :)

This is one horrendous search for poor David!
The action is nonstop. Barely time for David (or a reader) to breathe.
This story looks GREAT on the page. (Sometimes presentation is taken for granted.) It's quick to read; the short, mostly two-line descriptions deliver a punch. Really speeds up the pace too.
Incredibly well-written.

Oh boy...I'm not going to be able to get through this one...no way, no how.

This style of writing sure is trying hard to be super duper cool, and I bet it is to some.  It's the opposiate to me.  The constant use of double dashes, CAPPING, Subject Slugs, asides, cutesy phrasings, swearing in the prose, oh man, the list goes on and on.

IMO, it is incorrect to format Flashbacks inside the Slug itself.  It's confusing not to return to scene, and even more so when we jump right into a Mini Slug.

Hey, I'm sure you're a great writer, as this style is tough to pull off for sure, but IMO, you haven't pulled it off, and in the process, you've irritated me to the point that I'm out on Page 3.

This wreaks of Starship Troopers, one of my alltime favorite flicks, but I don't see the horror here.  What I do see is what is turning me off gong on and on for another 7 pages and I just can't take it.  Sorry.

32.  A Soldier's Search by David Nige - As a raging war threatens humanity, a soldier must find his family before the horrors of another world get to them.

Alright, I’m not “really” reading your screenplay, I’m going to “watch” this short horror-fantasy film and just make comments as I “watch.”

With a title like ‘A Soldier’s Search’ I’m looking for something fairly literal with a figurative approach being a surprise. Good luck!
Nice opening sequence. Alien world: nice.
Ah, we can travel through space but we’re still armed with good old bullets. Okay.
Good vicious creatures and heavy battle under way. Nice, nice, nice.
More good battle action.
Helluva portal! Like it!
Nice home amidst war chaos scene. Good.
Excellent emergence of “bug critters” from man! Nice.
The non-stop action is great.
Unrelenting. Love it!
Fantastic story.
Hope you can roll this out into a feature.  Very, very nice.

Suggested construct alternatives:
- At the Richmond Park Refuge just have David walk past a huge trench of corpses rather than stumbling down into them, which is corny.
- Have the great beast pursuit go from the other-world to the Nigel house THEN to the forest tent. Make a creature truly bent on persecuting David, otherwise it seems rather “what are the odds?!” of-all-the gin-joints-in-all-the-world. Have the creature get a good whiff of David back on the other-world so that he’s following his scent.
- Of course, either the creature is designed to target and relentlessly pursue - or - it’s on a venge quest as a result of something David did back on the other-world.
- Make the title more action oriented, less philosophical.

Very low budget :D

Action packed from start to finish, nothing wrong with that, it is after all a short.

As far as the horror aspect I don't really see it, more sci-fi if anything. Very well written and fast paced, kind of reminds of another script from another OWC :P

David battling creatures from beyond... Rambo style :D while saving a family in between only to lose his loved one and then reconnect with his daughter for a bittersweet ending... phew!!!

You jammed it all in there and I enjoyed it even though I'm not a huge fan of that genre.

Good job

Mark