The Rough Edge by Hank O - Short, Drama - A man who has nothing to lose decides to commit suicide when a stranger ruins everything. 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

Ok...this script has potential...but the dialogue needs some work.

I LOVE the midpoint where the tides turn...so good job on that....but oh I dislike the happy ending and the last page and a half is ultra boring for me...instead of a boring ending why not have a twist??? Like...just before taking her hand, he jumps ...or Sarah blows his mind and jumps herself(she came to do it anyway)...just something off the wall instead of the predictable story we all see coming?

Anyway, I think this little short has awesome potential...fix up the dialogue...and twist up the ending IMO. Enjoyed reading this.

Hi,

A nice read, like mentioned above the dialogue needs work.
i honestly thought Sarah was gonna jump at some point, maybe she should? I know it's a nice happy ending and all but I was kinda hoping for something else this time.

Lee

How weird - I read one in Russian just like that and liked it a lot.

THis one has potential but felt a little forced. It's hard to buy that he would tell her to stop and not leave. And then I didn't believe it when Sara decided to jump. He believed her though and didn't jump - that was hard to buy as well.

I'm thinking you could tell us a bit about Sara at the beginning. Maybe she had a rough day, something bad happened to her and she feels for him when she sees him wanting to jump.

Dreamlike, as if everything takes place in shadows and fog. That may be what bothers me. I don't a sense of the outside world. It's all dialogue, spoken by shadow people in the mist, with nothing much at the end.

Hey Hank,

Logline could do with a spruce up but as it's 5 pages I'll dive in.

A minor nitpick but as you've already established this is a bridge in the scene heading you don't need to mention it again. In fact you could put 'Deserted Bridge' instead and then use the action to make this atmospheric and dream-like. The mist permeating the air, the sound of her footsteps echoing; stuff like that.

I agree with the other comments, the dialogue needs work. All you have is two people on a bridge so this potentially could be really cheap to make. If all you have to sell the story is dialogue, then it needs to do more, tell us more, draw us in more.

But as it is, this is a sweet short with plenty of potential.

Good luck with it,

-Mark

Quoted from Pale Yellow Ok...this script has potential...but the dialogue needs some work. I LOVE the midpoint where the tides turn...so good job on that....but oh I dislike the happy ending and the last page and a half is ultra boring for me...instead of a boring ending why not have a twist??? Like...just before taking her hand, he jumps ...or Sarah blows his mind and jumps herself(she came to do it anyway)...just something off the wall instead of the predictable story we all see coming? Anyway, I think this little short has awesome potential...fix up the dialogue...and twist up the ending IMO. Enjoyed reading this.

Thank you. Glad you liked it.

Quoted from LeeOConnor Hi, A nice read, like mentioned above the dialogue needs work. i honestly thought Sarah was gonna jump at some point, maybe she should? I know it's a nice happy ending and all but I was kinda hoping for something else this time. Lee

It is a dark comedy, with few twists. I wanted to make them go away from that place with though in their minds that if things won't work out for them they can come back and finish what the started. A trial.

Quoted from khamanna How weird - I read one in Russian just like that and liked it a lot. That's interesting. THis one has potential but felt a little forced. It's hard to buy that he would tell her to stop and not leave. And then I didn't believe it when Sara decided to jump. He believed her though and didn't jump - that was hard to buy as well. I'm thinking you could tell us a bit about Sara at the beginning. Maybe she had a rough day, something bad happened to her and she feels for him when she sees him wanting to jump. Or maybe she lives a life that is not her.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw Hey Hank, Logline could do with a spruce up but as it's 5 pages I'll dive in. A minor nitpick but as you've already established this is a bridge in the scene heading you don't need to mention it again. In fact you could put 'Deserted Bridge' instead and then use the action to make this atmospheric and dream-like. The mist permeating the air, the sound of her footsteps echoing; stuff like that. I agree with the other comments, the dialogue needs work. All you have is two people on a bridge so this potentially could be really cheap to make. If all you have to sell the story is dialogue, then it needs to do more, tell us more, draw us in more. But as it is, this is a sweet short with plenty of potential. Good luck with it, -Mark

Thanks for the advice. Glad you liked it.

Forgot to mention that I filmed this short film in October. You can watch it here https://vimeo.com/106923161

Please comment it you like.