Hi Curtis: Started reviewing your script. I think you have some fundamental flaws in your approach that need to be looked at before continuing. Essentially, you need to avoid the habit of describing characters traits and emotions and start writing action and dialogue that reflect their traits and emotions. Here are a few examples from the first ten pages:
Page 5.
San Jose vacationers BOB BROOKS and his brood are on their
way to the land of surf and sun. His wife, JANICE, reads
while their two daughters, MELISSA, 11, and DENISE, 14, sit
in the back, fidgeting. For such a short, winding drive on a
tree-lined highway, tempers have flared once too often. It
is only when a young FAWN darts out into a sunny glen that a
cease-fire may be at hand. Bob’s maneuvering of his precious
new Buick around the young deer is faultless.
In my view, you need to avoid this type of description and instead write something that indicates that tempers have flared. e.g, dialogue with the mother snapping at the children and the father snapping at the mother, etc. As a general rule I would never put characters' emotions, state of mind or traits in a scene description. I would write something (action/dialogue) that clearly communicates this to the audience.
On Page 6 you write:
The DREAM INN stands on a hill overlooking MUNICIPAL WHARF,
the entrance to the BOARDWALK. Youthful VALETS service a
line of cars. SURFERS walk past the hotel, carrying their
boards. The “M” in “DREAM” now resembles another “D”,
causing some GUESTS not to register at all once they see the
sign. A hotel tower added only five years ago seems to be
shifting toward the bay. A hairline crack has appeared at
the bottom of the pool. LOCALS watch the NBC trailer passing
by. CHRIS LARSON, 21, the new WAITER, enters the wrong hotel
door and is laughed at by bikini-clad teenage GIRLS when he
scoots back outside. He is wearing an oversized gold
waiter’s coat with gold buttons.
This has way too much action for a scene description (Remember - the scene location was "EXT. HOTEL - TWENTY MINUTES LATER". Yet your action takes place on (a) a Boardwalk, (b) valet parking lot (c) the hotel pool (d) wherever the locals watching the trailer are (e) inside the hotel where girls are laughing, etc.
You simply can't change locations and POVs within a single scene location/description. When the location changes - you must have a new scene heading.
On Page 7 you write:
Sam inspects the hair. Sam Bass hates long hair.
You don't need to tell the reader Sam hates long hair - dialogue indicating he does is sufficient.
Overall - I think you have a certain flair for dialogue and story. However, from the first ten pages it seems that you have some issues with basic screenplay formatting. I would recommend that you read a couple of screen plays from some of your favorite movies to see how they handle it and just Googling something like screenwriting dos and don'ts would be helpful - good luck.