Quoted Text That it for the native tribes of
Louisiana. Next week we start the
chapter on Louisiana Folklore and
Legends. Y’all will like this
chapter. It’s fun and mysterious.
Oh, I know most of you have brought
me your permission slips for the
field trip tomorrow, but for those
of you who haven’t, I need them
before the bus leaves in the
morning. And we will be leaving
early. |
That's it.....
When I read that dialogue I thought "Oh, I know most of you......." had some relationship to the next lesson. Maybe a good idea is to either put a [BEAT] in there to show a pause or do something more visual after "It's fun and mysterious" like a scene description: She turns to write on the board. Then continue the dialogue.
Quoted Text BO MCMULIN, 12, tall and a bully, sits behind MATT
CHAMPAGNE, 11, friendly but timid. Bo tickles Matt’s ear
with his pencil. Matt brushes his ear. Bo thumps his ear
hard. |
I think a lot of writers would leave out the fact that BO is a bully and MATT is friendly, but timid. If you don't establish that in the scene then there is no sense in pointing it out. It's your job to establish the personality of your characters.
Quoted Text ALEXIS CHAMPAGNE, 12, Matt’s sister and a tomboy, |
Again pointless information if you write the scene properly.
Quoted Text Sure. That’s what I would say to. |
TOO.
Quoted Text Kids file onto buses and then drive down the road. |
That's going to take a long time and why would we want to see it at the end of that scene. 'Kids file onto buses' is enough. We don't need to see them leave because nobody is watching them leave and no scene takes place on the bus.
Quoted Text Alexis and Matt’s parents, Melanie and balding KEN
CHAMPAGNE, |
Is the state of his hair relevant to the story? If not, you have just tried to tell Casting how to do their job.
Quoted Text DOUG
On the back you can see part of a
fingerprint in the clay. My guess
is it’s the makers. |
He's a damn genius to figure that one out.
Quoted Text There’s a trail behind the high
school. Still need motorbikes but
doesn’t take to long.
KEN
That’s easier than taking boats. |
Too long.
Also why not just have Ken say "That's easier than riding a white horse wearing blue gumboots." The exchange made no sense. It's a trail and could be totally landlocked. What possible relevance does the remark about taking a boat have.
Then we find out that the pottery is from near Spring Lake. So how about telling us that first so we know why he mentions boats. You got the sequence wrong.
Quoted Text Melanie approaches them, who are on their bellies staring
between couch cushions, watching the screen porch door. |
Awkwardly worded.
Quoted Text Alexis see her teats. |
Sees.
Quoted Text ALEXIS
You want some to? Do you? |
I won't mention it again but you have a real problem with TOO. Learn to use it because if you make that mistake early enough in a script it's enough to piss the reader off. It's just like someone not knowing the difference between your and you're.
I got up to page 18 and it read very well. The story is developing nicely but it's hard for me to read what is essentially a Disney type movie with any interest. Good luck. It's looking like a good family adventure story.