Escape To The Country by Kyle Bowler - Short, Thriller - Two thieves find themselves in an unfamiliar location, reminiscing about choices they've made. 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Kyle,

Hope you're about.

Comments as I read:

SPOILERS BELOW:

Personally I think you could do without the commentary: 'photographer's wet dream' but if you do leave it in - insert an apostrophe.

Jurassic Coast? - okay - Dorset, East Devon and apparently one of England's Heritage sites - Living in Oz, I had to look that up.

I also had to look up 'trestle masks' - might suggest you call them 'trestle theatre' masks - to give me an instant visual.

No need in modern scriptwriting for (CONT’D)'s dialogue - these can be turned off in software.

Would of been nice, - would have been technically, or abbreviate to would've been  on p.2 twice -  'I would of gave God' - granted this is the way these guys speak, just be aware of how it should be spelled normally...

I don't see the significance in Rod throwing the Zippo lighter away??

'fires a shot off' might be a little more descriptive than 'lets a shot off imh just cause the latter reads a little statically.

Would they really say: 'armed' police and not just 'police'?? Hmm, maybe they do by law have to announce that?

The ending conjures a Butch and Sundance type of image... and yet they reach into their pockets. Suspect you want to leave it on that open-ended denouement.

There's a nice feel to this overall but it's a little 'light' for me to feel really satisfied with it as a story.

There's no real regret on the part of your character's actions - just justification for never having got a break in life. They acknowledge they're career criminals - i.e., with the 'juvy' comment etc. For a story like this I'm inclined to think 4pages just doesn't cut it if you want me to feel something.

If I were you I'd add some more to the story - perhaps one or the other didn't mean to kill - you could show the gun accidentally going off - you could show why these guys ended up being where they are - perhaps they desperately need money for some altruistic means? You could even give the story some heart by showing the people they love in flashback or via a photograph of a girlfriend/Mum etc.or include something of their aspirations for life - what they had hoped to achieve or be.

The way it is I'm left thinking they deserve what they get and the whole thing is just really an exercise in fatalism.

Alternatively, I'm left thinking those last police are going to cop it too. Either way, not as satisfying or fully fleshed out an ending or story that I believe this has the potential to be.

I think you should add to it. You evoked some nice images, some interesting characters and you write quite nicely. Try giving it a bit more.  :)

Hi LC, thanks for the feedback. I'll try and address some of your points best I can.

Would of been nice, - would have been technically – I keep doing this, need to look out for it in future.

I don't see the significance in Rod throwing the Zippo lighter away?? - I put this in as a hint that they had given up and were going to 'opt out' so he didn't have a use for it any more.

Would they really say: 'armed' police and not just 'police'?? Hmm, maybe they do by law have to announce that? - Not sure about this. I had a look at a police raid on youtube before writing and that's what they said.

The ending conjures a Butch and Sundance type of image... and yet they reach into their pockets. Suspect you want to leave it on that open-ended denouement. - I haven't seen 'Butch and Sundance' so can't comment on that. My intention wasn't to leave it open ended. I tried to make it feel like Rod and Blake had given up by putting in the phone call at the beginning. They didn't want to spend most of their life in prison and were tired of running so chose to die.  

For a story like this I'm inclined to think 4pages just doesn't cut it if you want me to feel something. - I kept it at 3 pages so if it worked I could enter it in the 'UK Film Festival 3 Minute Script Competition'. I agree with you, though. When I get round to a rewrite I'll try and add to the characters to make them more than just a couple of criminals.

If I were you I'd add some more to the story - perhaps one or the other didn't mean to kill - you could show the gun accidentally going off – This is sort of what I had originally. The bloke Rod hits with his gun in the post office died. But I thought it would make the quick response from the police at the end a bit more believable if they killed two officers instead. I'll try and think of a way to make them kill the policemen by accident.

The way it is I'm left thinking they deserve what they get and the whole thing is just really an exercise in fatalism. - This is sort of what I was going for. They're violent criminals that got caught and didn't want to deal with the consequences so chose suicide by cop.

Alternatively, I'm left thinking those last police are going to cop it too. - This isn't what I was going for. In my mind it was never going to end in a shoot-out. They called the police at the beginning for it to end with them getting shot.

I think you should add to it. You evoked some nice images, some interesting characters and you write quite nicely. Try giving it a bit more. - I'll try to develop it from the points you've made. Apart from the OWC this is my first short. I can see the story didn't come across on the page as it did in my head so it's something I need to work on. I'll make changes from some of your other points as well (Turn off the CONT'D's, change Trestle masks to 'Theatre trestle masks' ect)  

Thanks again for taking the time to read this and share your thoughts. If there's any of your work you'd like me to take a look at, just let me know.

Hey Kyle

Had a look through this, a few thoughts... just my opinion of course...

1) My ignorance, combined with the description of the weather at the coast made me think they were in California... needless to say the south London accenst then threw me completely ;-) I'd specify where they are so other idiots like me don;t get confused.
2) Trestle masks, looked them up, a good look for the robbery.
3) Personal preference would be two sawn offs... feels very english.
4) I think if they are going to have a conversation about their upbringing and how better surroundings could have helped them... they need to sound less middle class - not full on chav, just a little earthier.
5) I think the following bit of dialogue
BLAKE
We could still jump.
ROD
We took two of theirs. It’s only right.
Would be better (imho) a couple of lines further down, after the line that ends 'stub out their cigarettes'.
6) I'm not convinced as it stands tht you've established enough reason for the to essentially commit suicide... may an extra bit of conversation about not being able to go back, claustrohobia etc...

Decent effort but I'd like to see it expanded and Rod and Blake given a bit more depth.

Anthony

Maybe you could be more oblique in thier dialogue.  "We took two of theirs" makes it obvious what's going on, and the final flashback and ending consequently aren't a surprise.  You could refer to it more indirectly, like "Two for two.  Has a certain symmetry."  And then have the flashback reveal what they're talking about.

Hi Anthony. You make some good points.

I'd specify where they are so other idiots like me don;t get confused. - I did mention the Jurassic Coast at the beginning. I understand a lot of people won't know what that is so I could add in a specific County to make it a bit clearer.

Trestle masks, looked them up, a good look for the robbery. - I hadn't heard of them either. Wanted a change from the old ski masks so did a bit of research and found these. I don't watch a lot horror but I can imagine them being used in it, I found 'em creepy as shit.    

I think if they are going to have a conversation about their upbringing and how better surroundings could have helped them... they need to sound less middle class - not full on chav, just a little earthier. - I get what you mean. I'll play about with the dialogue a bit when I rewrite it to try and make it feel more natural.

I think the following bit of dialogue
BLAKE
We could still jump.
ROD
We took two of theirs. It’s only right.
Would be better (imho) a couple of lines further down, after the line that ends 'stub out their cigarettes'. - A lot better, thanks.  

I'm not convinced as it stands tht you've established enough reason for the to essentially commit suicide... may an extra bit of conversation about not being able to go back, claustrohobia etc... - Like I said in an earlier post I tried to limit the script to three pages so I started it with them having made the decision. In my mind they had already had the sort of conversations about not wanting to spend the rest of their lives in prison before hand. I can see it doesn't work this way so I'll try and add to it and make it more convincing next draft.

Thanks for taking the time to look at this. If there's anything of yours you want me to read let me know.


DanD, thanks for the suggestion.

They would shout "Armed police!" here in the UK.

Yeah it needs some work but is a nice premise. The thing with juvy needs to be changed if this is a UK script as we don't have juvenile halls here. We used to have borstal, then they changed to YP, or Youth Prison... now it's something else that I can't remember right now. I'm tired. You could get away with saying 'a juvy' because there are juvenile wings (or were) within the YP. Usually from 13 to 17. Then 17-21 being the actual YP level. Still wasn't called Juvy though and nobody would really refer to it like that in this country. Either borstal or YP is a more likely reference, IMO.

Few more drafts. Give it some more meat... maybe play with the viewer a little longer before the first reveal on the bank robbery. More dialogue. This is a piece where the dialogue will need to be spot on... and, above all, interesting.

No problem Kyle

My latest are

Graft - http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-short/m-1416751412/

and

Bump in the Night - http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-short/m-1416179287/

Thanks

Anthony

Hey Kyle, I've not read previous comments so sorry for any repeated questions.

First off, I really liked this. The two differing settings work well. Quiet and pieceful against tense robbery.

I do have a few questions though, mainly with the police. Armed Police  in England, are generally sent out in a response unit. Meaning they would be a group of them in an armoured van, and not cars. I'm not sure if the Police would open fire first?

Also when the car screached up I thought it odd that it 'screached' as I'd pictured them on a grassy cliff top. That's just probably me being picky.

Other than that I thought this was excellent.

Dustin, thanks for your input.

I think YOI (Young Offender Institute) is the right term. I should of picked up on that as I live literally within a minutes walk of one. I'll get into a new draft at the weekend and change it.

Anthony. I'll take a look at them and share my thoughts. Might not be until Friday though. If anyone else wants me to read anything, let me know.

Allfy. Thanks for taking a look, glad you liked it. I remember reading one of your features a while back and really enjoying it. The one where three lads go on a trip to the countryside, forgot what it was called, something to do with pies, maybe?

About your questions.

Armed Police in England, are generally sent out in a response unit. Meaning they would be a group of them in an armoured van, and not cars. - I don't know an awful lot about police. I just assumed if there was a robbery and the police were notified, it would be whoever was nearest to the scene to respond first. They might not act until backup arrived but they'd probably show up if they were in the area. I'll do a bit more research before I write the next draft.

I'm not sure if the Police would open fire first? - Initially I had them kill the bloke in the bank by accident but changed it to the police to make the ending a bit more believable. I thought that if they had already killed two of their officers they wouldn't hesitate to shoot first if Rod and Blake pulled a gun on them.

Thanks again for everyone's feedback. I'll hopefully have a new draft up sometime next week.  

I never got that they had already killed the two cops, I thought it was the 2 waiting outside who were killed.

My script is called 'Pub Lunch', and I'm glad you enjoyed it, Kyle

Sorry Alffy, I misinterpreted your feedback, thought you were talking about the ending. Your right, they wouldn't shoot first, I'll work on it in the rewrite, thanks.

Kyle

Suicide by cop is a common theme in the US, so I understand your story.  Usually, it occurs when all else fails.  I didn't get the feeling that these two have exhausted all avenues.  Family, friends, escape, nothing more to try?

And it seems pointless to make amends by dying for nothing. How about dying to save someone?  Still sacrifice but someone gets a new heart or kidney.

I like your work and the dialogue, but convincing me that these life-long criminals suddenly feel remorse will take more.  

Best

Richard

Thanks for posting. New draft was up a few days ago but haven’t had internet access.

Richard, cheers for the feedback. I wanted to keep this short and simple so chose not to explore all the avenues - friends, family ect. My main aim was to show the contrast between  the flashbacks and their current surroundings.

I'll probably leave it as it is for now whilst I work on other stuff but might come back to it later and try and add a bit more meat.

Kyle

Not bad for a 4 pager.

You got the sense of what was going down from the opening dialogue, which isn’t a criticism by the way. There is suitable wistfulness to their conversation that suggests regret, defeat, having reached a point of no return. Seeing it on screen with the striking coastline would go a long way to imbuing their dialogue with its intended meaning and weight. Reading it on the page (understandably) doesn’t quite convey that.

The flashbacks were intercut well with the present day scenes and their decision to not jump but to go out  (sort of) fighting was a nice touch as most will expect them to go out Thelma and Louise style.

Col.

Thanks Col.

I've had a bit of interest in this, so hopefully something will happen with it.