Daddy by Richard Russell - Short - New take on 'Wait till your father gets home.' 10 pages - pdf, format 8)

Gave this a quick read, a few thoughts... just my opinion of course

This is very dark, and went too far for me in the description of the abuse of his daughter... BUT that could be just a taste thing on my part.

It's certainly effective in setting up the drama and the revenge, grim and gritty throughout.

The only things in the script that threw me were (O.C.), (O.S.) is more standard - but don't think it matters... the other thing was that Amy drives them off at the end... but she's only 13 and he's got them imprisoned... how would she know how to drive?

Glad he got it in the end, kinda wished he'd suffered a bit more though.

Anthony

You can read & comment on my latest...
Bump in the Night - http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-short/m-1416179287/
Graft - http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-short/m-1416751412/

Hey, Richard

Kind of a straightforwards story, no real twist and turns. I enjoyed it, but it was borderline campy in my opinion. The characters were too one-dimensonal and they're all playing their 'role', which kind of took me out of it, especially Ralph.  

Why is there a pet door at the house? Do they have a pet? I feel like that's something Ralph wouldn't miss.

I also thought the abuse scene jsut went too long, but I didn't think it was too graphic or intense, just drags on for a little bit.

Something that annoyed me throughout was that some of your dialogue text looks squish together. Maybe it's the software you are using. Like on page 3,
AMY
We were hungry, we were looking for you

Okay, so one thing really confused me. This line,

Bobby stands across the small room. He points a shotgun at Ralph,
a shotgun with a narrow steel cable running through the trigger
guard. The butt of the gun is lodged
against the wooden rack
amid half a dozen other guns.

What does lodged against a wooden rack mean? Like the gun is pinned to the rack? What do you mean by steel cable? Is it a lock that runs from the chamber through the trigger guard? If so, how would Bobby operate the shotgun? Also, does Ralph just leave loaded guns on his rack (they'd have to be unloaded if locked with a steel cable)? Why would Ralph leave an open gun rack in the next room that's accessible through the pet door? Lastly, how does Bobby know how to use a shotgun? From what it seems, he's been locked up for a long time. He'd have to work the action and manipulate the safety.

Anyways, a pretty effective thriller, although I was hoping for a different ending. Best of luck and look forward to reading more.

- Chong