Appointment by Hank of W - Short, Drama - A doctor and his appointment. 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hank,

I noticed quite a few errors in this one. "Chugs the remaining of his coffee", "they laughs", that sort of thing. You've also spelled the Doc's name differently throughout the story: Clement in action lines, Clemont when speaking. I'd suggest reading through this again to see if you can't iron out some of those little mistakes.

Dialogue also needs a bit of work in some places. As an example:

Quoted Text DR.CLEMONT My late wife of 10 years would be calling me later if she heard you said that.

This line reads as very unnatural. I understand you want us to know the Doc's wife is dead, but this seems a very clumsy way of doing it. 10 years also feels like a rather long time ago. Personally, I'd make the death much more recent. A few months ago, perhaps. Then you might have better luck in giving us the info more naturally. Maybe the Doc still wears his ring and Macy comments on it? "How are you holding up?" or "I was so sorry to hear." Okay,that might seem a little cliche, but at least it would feel a bit more natural.

Making the death more recent might also help with the ending, which I'm currently not buying at all. The Doc kills himself? Really? He doesn't strike me as the type, joking around with Macy as he was. And his wife's been dead for 10 years. Why not kill himself back then? It takes some bad news from an MRI to do it? That just doesn't add up to me. And what about his daughter? He can't seriously be leaving her an orphan.

Personally, I'd get rid of the daughter, kill the wife more recently, and lengthen the story a bit. Show us more to convince us the Doc is suicidal. I like the idea, but there just isn't enough here to justify the ending.

A good father commits suicide and leaves his young daughter an orphan?  And why after this appointment?  Not enough prep for the finale. Yeah he's going to die, but he doesn't display symptoms, right?  Hard to buy.  

Best

Richard

Quoted from jofferhall Hank, Personally, I'd get rid of the daughter, kill the wife more recently, and lengthen the story a bit. Show us more to convince us the Doc is suicidal. I like the idea, but there just isn't enough here to justify the ending.

Thanks guys for the read, phew, I am glad the script was short or it'd be a real waste of people's time on here. You are right, now I re-read it, the story doesn't really make much sense.

Optioned

Congrats!

Congrats

Hank,

Congratulations!

All the best,
Marty