A Radical Design - Print Topic

Posted by: Don, December 7th, 2014, 11:23am

A Radical Design by Patrick King - Short, Horror - After his girlfriend claims to have seen God, Lenny has a terrifying vision that leaves him trapped in a prison of his own creation. 7 pages - pdf, format 8)

Posted by: AnthonyCawood, December 7th, 2014, 1:38pm; Reply: 1

Hey Patrick, gave this a quick read, just my opinion of course.

1) Your copyright date needs amending, unless you are visiting us from the future ;-)
2) There's a few typos that are worth tidying up, e.g. pg 1 'starting' should be 'staring'.
3) You can lose the top and bottom page CONTINUED, there should be a setting in your software to switch this off.
4) Story, I like the idea of a demon and alternate universe connected by a painting but I didn't really understand why or how we got there - there seems to be a logic gap.
5) The end left me a little perplexed too, not sure if I'm supposed to think it's a dream, or if it's a reality why she's back but he appears not?

Anthony

You can read & comment on my latest...
Bump in the Night - http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-short/m-1416179287/
Graft - http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-short/m-1416751412/

Posted by: RichardR, December 7th, 2014, 2:25pm; Reply: 2

I like the premise--a painter puts a demon on canvas and the demon comes to life. Perhaps a better aim of the demon is to use the painter, not imprison him, or did I miss part of the story. Reality and fantasy appear mixed which can be powerful, especially if the demon replaces the painter.

I think this one has possibilities. Keep working.

Best

Richard

Posted by: PatrickK, December 8th, 2014, 11:56am; Reply: 3

Thanks for the read, guys. Damn those typos! Six drafts and I still miss some.

I'm sorry the ending was perplexing. I like an occasional ambiguous ending and wanted this one to be a little surreal, with an ending that lent itself to multiple interpretations.

Anthony, I believe you've commented on all the scripts I've posted. I appreciate this very much, so I'd like to send you a copy of my novel. Just e-mail me your address.

Posted by: AnthonyCawood, December 9th, 2014, 5:51pm; Reply: 4

Hey Patrick... my pleasure man... tcawood at me.com

And feel free to comment on mine, there's a few up here ;-)

Anthony

Posted by: Scar Tissue Films, January 23rd, 2015, 2:18pm; Reply: 5

Love the idea of one person having a vision of God and the other the Devil.

The atmosphere and tone you created really grabed me in parts.

I didn't comprehend any meaning, personally. I think it could do with being either MORE surreal and poetic, or have a more grounded story..one of the two.

I'd go for the latter personally.

I liked how the two people wanted some experience deeper than themselves, I just didn't get a feeling of how it mattered to the story.