Noble Blood by Alan Walsh - Horror - JOHN DASHWOOD, Olympic gold medal fencing champion, and a successful businessman runs and teaches at a fencing academy based in the Dashwood Hall stately home. Recently he has been having headaches and sleepless nights, plagued by nightmares involving the death of his ancestor Sir Eric Dashwood. When John Dashwood visits the library to try and uncover the story behind his ancestor’s death, and to piece together the fragments of his dreams. He starts  discover his past when he is catapulted into the realm of darkness, by a pact by Phillip Brandauer and the Devil three hundred years before. 62 pages - pdf, format 8)

Is this an indirect story about Sir Francis Dashwood? The Hellfire club? I've already written a script based around that but it's under a non disclosure thingie. I had to do heaps of research into it.

Anyway, your logline is not a logline, it's a synopsis. 62 pages is too long for a short and too short for a feature. I can imagine that when I open this up there are going to be all sorts of amateur mistakes on display.

Error on your title page, it says NOBLE BLOO)

Code We are looking at a crowded stadium its the world fencing championships and we are watching two athletes fencing in slow motion.

Don't write, 'we are looking at'... it goes without saying. You mentioned in the slug that it was the WFC, no need to do it again in action. Although it would be best served if you wrote it visually. Maybe there's a banner declaring it? Maybe it comes up digitally on a huge screen. What are the crowd doing? You've used a lot of words to describe very little.

Code The athletes lunge at each other trying to score the winning pint. Then the buzzer goes confirming a direct hit. A Winner.

They playing for beer?

Code INTER CUT

Used incorrectly.

Code JOHN DASHWOOD the winner, he takes of his mask off, he waves to the crowd.

This would be better:

Code The winner, JOHN DASHWOOD (98), removes his mask and waves to the crowd.

Code CUT TO:

No need to use them.

That's it for now. Your script is riddled with these types of errors and more from what I can see from a quick scan. If you show up and participate around here I may help out some more.

Hey man!

I agree with Dustin, you have to stretch your story or try to compress it to a short. I know it can be tough, I have been in your shoes a couple of times.  Try adding a subplot or two, it can really help. Just don't try to force your ideas, it can really hurt the script

Your log line also reads awkwardly and it is too long and describes more key points of the story than needed. You need to work on the log line, otherwise, people won't read the script and you will struggle to get criticism on the actual content of the script.

Good Luck!
8) - Luis