Phil's Day by Jason Mickey - Short, Drama - Will Phill's worst day be his last, or will it change for the better? 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

Error 404 on this one, Don.

Fixed.  Please try again.

Apologies.

-Don

Code INT. PHIL’S APARTMENT-AFTERNOON

Just write, DAY. If it is important to show the exact time of day then do it in the action, or use a super.

Code A young man is dressing up in a black suit and tie. He seems very upset. The suit is somewhat sloppy as he looks to be in a hurry.

He seems, he looks... just tell us what is. You also need to intro the character, give him an age, perhaps a brief description.

Code PHIL, early 20s, dark blonde hair, average height, seems deeply depressed.

Is this the same guy? If so he seems to be a lot of things.... upset, in a hurry and deeply depressed.

Show don't tell. It's an important rule. Only show what we see on screen. If it can't be shown, don't write it.

Jason,

Others have commented on the writing which is not professional enough--'cue' is not 'queue'.  Take the time to evaluate each and every sentence.

IMO, this one does way too much telling and very litle showing.  The voice overs are info dumps.  Give us visuals.  If he depressed, let him show that by banging his head, leaving his tie askew, wadding up her photo and tossing it away.  

Having Natalie show up at precisely the time he's stepping in front of the train is too coincidental.  Now, if he shows up when she is going to jump, well, we might buy that.  Coincidence generally does not favor the protagonist.  

Work with your visuals and action lines.  Tell us what we can see and hear.  Don't narrate, show.

Best
Richard