The Club by Mickey Hatewood - Horror - A ghetto drug dealer, a struggling young waitress and a quartet of celebrity wannabees endure a night of hell when they gatecrash a notorious Los Angeles nightclub. 100 pages - pdf, format 8)

Mickey,

Nice, polished script you have here. Writing is excellent. Page 12 and I can't find anything storyline for me,  so I'll wish you gl.

Tony

Thank you for hosting my script.

Hi Tony,

Thanks for reading, appreciate the compliments.
I'm experimenting how to introduce the characters, it's what's making the script bulge.

Something has to give within those opening pages. I'm working on it.

Thanks,
Mick,

Hi Mickey, I got around to start reading your script. I'm holding off on reading the end, but much to chew in one sitting for me.

I like the premise, very twisted, and the characters are well crafted. My first impressions agrees with your comment though, the introduction of them all is a bit lengthy. There are some great moments where we get a sense of each one, maybe just thin out some of it and get to the club sooner. My only other thought so far, is, don't give away too much about th club in the beginning. Maybe hint at some foul play, foreshadow, but i think the shock factor will be that much more appalling if we don't know exactly what's coming.  And then once we get there, draw it out... slow time down and take your time once the horror really begins.

I'm definitely curious about the end...

I found this story to fantastically creepy

Thank you Trevor and SuperMan_Fan for the read and words.
Appreciate your time.

Glad you found it creepy, Supes. Probably not a word I expected to hear, but I'm happy if the story gave you that effect.  Bit more than I was expecting, so a pleasant surprise. Thanks!

Trevor - I appreciate the compliments, always welcome!

I agree with your comments.  The opening intros -- yeah, I'm not completely satisfied with them, they've been longer, they've been shorter, they've gelled/transitioned better.  I probably need to find the right mix of show and tell, because I do need to show how these people act as individuals, and then how they talk with each other.  Just a simple tweak that would fast-forward proceedings.

Regarding the opening -- I kinda toyed with that a little before submitting it to this site.  I think I threw in a couple of body parts, whereas before I just had the cleaner mopping up some blood on stage. So I do see and agree your point.

At the same time, throwing in some gore at an early stage promises future violence.  This might be key to those that would want to see that kind of thing.  
Please excuse the slow burner cliche, but that's what this is, haha.  The audience have been promised there will be some kind of violence to follow.  I’d like to keep them waiting.  Not to say I hope they would not be entertained in the meanwhile. By the time the violence (what there is of it) kicks in, the story might hopefully be more important, more interesting, more fun than just scattered body parts.

If you need a read, let me know. I see TheReccher has a script up and I owe him a review, so I will be taking a look at that over the next week.

Cheers,

Mick