Quoted Text Her lunch box labelled “Vegan Couscous Tagine” is layed
trickling In her “Inbox”. The scent wafts across the rest
of the office. Other office workers walk by and sniff as
if smelling inside of a French cheese shop. |
Can we see the scent waft across the room and even if we could how do we know what they are sniffing at when they pass her. It works in a novel but not a script.
Quoted Text Like in “White Wedding” song video, a woman in a white
bride dress walks down aisle in the church. |
That's an inside reference that Billy Idols fans will get, but nobody else. Leave it out and just use the rest of the sentence.
Quoted Text Alexander McQueen custom-made suit |
Does it have the name on the back in 3 inch letters. This is starting to sound like a Brett Easton Ellis novel.
Quoted Text POLLY
I prefer FOWLER. FOWLER by
name, and FOULER by nature. |
Say that line in a movie and more than half the audience won't get the alternate spelling joke. It's only funny in writing.
Quoted Text POLLY
(CONT’D)
People like you are just
trying to be me down. |
Did you mean 'beat me'?
Quoted Text She turns to her computer monitor. A REMINDER is on her
screen. |
You said it was covered in Post-It Notes.
Quoted Text She quickly sits back down, pulls her swivel chair close to
her desk, throws shoes underneath out the way and falls
back in her seat. |
Sitting down twice, without getting up in between sitting down, isn't easy. Did you mean to say she leant back heavily?
Quoted Text POLLY
(CONT’D)
Oh crap! I have to take
meeting minutes at the Board
Meeting! |
It's clumsy. Drop the first 'meeting'.
Quoted Text POLLY
(CONT’D)
Sorry about being late. You
might have heard the news
reports... |
She already apologised when she walked in the room.
Quoted Text She takes her finger and pushes Peter’s nose to the side,
Peter wipes his face.
She walks away and turns to Peter.
POLLY
(CONT’D)
Oops. Did I remember to wash
my hands just doing a Nr. 2? |
NO!!! Sorry about the ALL CAPS but that's a very juvenile joke (It's number two not Nr. 2)
Didn't read any more. Needs a lot of revision but for some reason I think you might be able to carry it off. Maybe she can narrate her own story. You could see if you could find a few videos, on YouTube, from a 60s movie, Here We Go Round The Mulberry Bush. Barry Evans spoke to camera all through the movie so we had an insight into his emotions. It was a great movie in it's day and very sexy.