Simpatico by L. Chambers - Short, Drama, Comedy - Two know-it-all friends believing themselves to be the authorities on love, sex, dating, and finding 'the one' recount the events of a one night stand. 21 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Libby!

Was keeping my eyes open for something new from you. For someone who likes her shorts "short"... 21 pages isn't what I was expecting but hey, it's cool.

I say this in almost all of my reviews -- could be alot shorter.  But I see what you were building up to here, and why it took this long to get there. I thought your use of Intercut would be bothersome the way it was set up, but it never really threw me. I pretty much know who I was with at all times.

One suggestion I could make, aside from the obvious "trimming," is that if you're gonna have two talking head (or four) for the duration, then you need to make whats going on around them a bit more interesting. Here you have one guy getting his arse pinched, and then a waitress getting ogled by the guys. It just won't do. Now maybe you could have thrown another flashback or two in there going back to the night they had sex. Or perhaps the morning after. Was the morning, her leaving his apartment, uncomfortable? Was anything said between them? We know they both had different issues with each other that set them apart, and some crossed wires as to what each was thinking and trying to accomplish. I believe you need to dig a little deeper here to give more weight to the main story. Or you could have different things going on in the beer garden that sort of mimics their feelings and the misunderstandings they had. And intersperse them throughout so there's not too much of them just talking. It might certainly liven things up further.

Not that I was bored, mind you. Just the opposite. I was entertained by their banter and was wondering how this all would end. And in that respect you did not disappoint! I absolutely loved the twist with their friends making their seperate ways to the bar, and like the Red Sea parting, they found each other. That was skilled, and the high point of the script for me. It felt a touch magical, and I think you could have played it up even more and turned it into something fantastical! Go deeper and make it wonderfully surreal. It really was a touching moment and I felt it deserved more. And...

Okay, here it is... I think that's where you should have ended this. That was such a brilliant moment, I really didnt care what happened between the two mains. Honestly. Perhaps you can tie that up earlier, like having them meet on the way to the bathroom. Tie that shit up. I think it can be done because I'm now more interested in the other two at this point.  Seriously.

Anyway, very good effort, Libby. An enjoyable read, trim it down, and think again about the ending. Hope I helped and touched on some things to think about.

Steve

Libby,

Smartly handled -- I should say choreographed -- all the way. You make it look easy, though it's quite the opposite. I laughed a bunch of times.

Good comments by Steven, but I didn't agree with all. I'd say don't trim (it goes fast) and don't add more about what was going on around. It would take away from the smart dialogue. Nor would I lop off  the restroom scene at the end. I don't think the Ann-Bob happy hook-up would work as well without the epilogue.

Henry

Thank you Don for posting this, much appreciated.

Quoted from Steve Hey Libby!... For someone who likes her shorts "short"...

Ha, did I say that? Obviously I meant reading and reviewing them. ;D

Quoted from Steve I say this in almost all of my reviews -- could be alot shorter.  But I see what you were building up to here, and why it took this long to get there.

I was expecting this from some. I'm pretty sure it will run quicker than it reads. A lot of its interest and vitality/energy would depend upon casting the talent, actors and a good director and  especially in editing. The way it plays out it is a talking heads piece - some will like it, and some not so much. I quite like dialogue-heavy narratives as long as they're interesting enough and hopefully this will hold attention.

Quoted from Steve I thought your use of Intercut would be bothersome the way it was set up, but it never really threw me. I pretty much know who I was with at all times.

Excellent. That's very good to hear. I tried writing it the conventional way but it dragged. I was concerned myself especially with the first few pages but I think it develops a rhythm. I experimented a bit but it's really the only way to do it.

Quoted from Steve One suggestion I could make, aside from the obvious "trimming," is that if you're gonna have two talking heads (or four) for the duration, then you need to make whats going on around them a bit more interesting. ...maybe you could have thrown another flashback or two in there going back to the night they had sex...

Hmm, maybe. I do get your point as I mentioned above. Perhaps quick flashes are in order. What I want to avoid is making the running time any longer than it is but I will give this some thought and see what the general consensus is.

Quoted from Steve Not that I was bored, mind you. Just the opposite. I was entertained by their banter and was wondering how this all would end. And in that respect you did not disappoint!

Good to hear. As you know when you write, after a while it's hard to remain objective and keep perspective.  

Quoted from Steve I absolutely loved the twist with their friends making their seperate ways to the bar, and like the Red Sea parting, they found each other. That was skilled, and the high point of the script for me. It felt a touch magical, and I think you could have played it up even more and turned it into something fantastical! Go deeper and make it wonderfully surreal. It really was a touching moment and I felt it deserved more.

Ooh, that's interesting. You've really got me thinking now - the word 'surreal' did it. I'm going to experiment with this. Thanks so much for this comment it just proves how valuable feedback is. I'm not sure I'll be able to pull it off but I'll give it a go.

Quoted from Steve And... Okay, here it is... I think that's where you should have ended this. That was such a brilliant moment, I really didnt care what happened between the two mains. ... I'm now more interested in the other two at this point.  Seriously.

The script originally did end at that point but I was encouraged to add more where Chad and Melissa were concerned - that it might be a lost (mildly) comedic opportunity if not. The bathroom scene was tacked on.

In that regard I'll be interested to know what others think.

So far it's one each - you and Henry. :)

Bear in mind I visualise this as a scene that should come in post or mid-credits.  I contemplated writing it like that with the whole ROLL CREDITS: - FADE IN: etc. but not only did it look pretentious but it's also the director's domain so I took it out...

I'd be interested to know what you think visualising it that way?
  

Quoted from Steve Anyway, very good effort, Libby. An enjoyable read, trim it down, and think again about the ending. Hope I helped and touched on some things to think about.

Thanks so much Steve, glad you enjoyed it. And yes you definitely got me thinking in particular about that scene with Ann and Bob.

Quoted from Henry Libby, Smartly handled -- I should say choreographed -- all the way. You make it look easy, though it's quite the opposite. I laughed a bunch of times.

Henry, thank you for giving this a read and review.  :) Interesting too that you used the word 'choreographed' - it definitely did feel that way when writing it. And I'm chuffed to hear you laughed at some of it.

I don't regard comedy as my forte or genre of choice so it's great to hear you enjoyed the comedic elements of this.

Quoted from Henry Good comments by Steven, but I didn't agree with all. I'd say don't trim (it goes fast) and don't add more about what was going on around. It would take away from the smart dialogue. Nor would I lop off  the restroom scene at the end. I don't think the Ann-Bob happy hook-up would work as well without the epilogue.

See, now this is also what's great about feedback - the different points of view. I'm really happy to hear all of this worked for you, - especially the dialogue and that you felt it goes fast. I was hoping the momentum of the dialogue would be interesting enough to carry it.

Thanks so much again for the read and review.

Hi LC.

I almost didn't read this because of the page count, but I'm glad I did. It seemed to go faster than a lot of the ten page scripts I've read.

The most important thing with dialogue heavy pieces, is obviously the dialogue.  It has to be good enough to keep the reader interested and turning pages and I think you pulled it off here.

A couple of (very) minor suggestions.

Chad's line on page 13 'I s'pose I could do her once more,' felt a little off to me. The 'do her' part just didn't seem like something he'd say. Maybe 'shag her',  'nail her' ect.

The fade out at the bottom of page 19 threw me for a minute. I was about to close the window as I thought it had ended. (not that it would've mattered, I liked what came after but if it did end there, it would've been fine) Maybe move to the next page to avoid possible confusion.

Apart from that, I haven't got much to add, other than I enjoyed it.  Nice job.

Hey Libby,

Your feedback is very useful around this place, so it's good to see you got something going yourself. I'm actually quite excited what you do here.

I haven't read the comments.


The first point I've got to mention is that I'm not so pleased about the length. It's a taste thing I guess anyhow.

Simpatico

From the title I expect to feel good.

BEER GARDEN – One of the best slugs ever ;-) Feel good atmosphere's already established.

I better start reading now.


"MELISSA, a buxom brunette - spilling out of her top,
her skirt hiked up to reveal long tanned legs."

This is very good. Not often I read something meant as sexual is also written clearly sexual.


"CHAD
What’s with that? Have I got bad
breath or something?

Chad leans forward huffs his breath on Bob."

They're drinking beer, so that doesn't make sense to me. I think you could easily give him another reason to doubt about himself.


p4
"MELISSA
He was a little shy at first -
MELISSA
Yeah, so I took matters into my own
hands, if you know what I mean..."

in opposite to p5

"MELISSA
I figure the
kissing can come later. When we’re
a couple, you know."

She isn't consistent in my eyes. Maybe I'm wrong and she's just a bit jumpy and frivolous... I guess I'll see.
I see it, I'm wrong. The way it is: it's very good developed. All fine. I haven't erased the above from my notes to make you know that it works in its structure very, very good. You play with the audience. So, the explanation why she turned away her face when they were having sex, and those doubts I had about her behavior, turned out exactly as it should be.


P6 When Chad tells Bob about overnight privileges I think Bob's answers "your funny..." aren't needed and sound on the nose anyhow. Here, imo, an answer of him isn't needed at all. Maybe even shorten Chad's speech and leave it like that. You slow it down that way in my eyes, especially with those answers of Bob. Because, there's tension in the air - better keep that flow. The interchanging conversation between both tables, about the same subject, is beautifully interwoven.


P 15 the country stuff distracted me. I'd have liked it more if you stay close on the subject men-women only, puristically as you did before – not a big point though

p18 is delightful


Hahahaha great. But this is too much for me: "A quick glance at the mistletoe hanging above them." BUT MAYBE IT'S NEEDED. You make it bold that way,  but same time it's getting kind of satiric. I don't know....

Sidenote: I think fade out period is fade out period, you know.

Great ending.

Let me say this. You women here at ss are writing dramas dammmmnn good.

I enjoyed this read throughout. There's not a lot too critique. The points I made are marginal.

At 16/17 I found myself thinking about seeing this one on a stage.


The characters are grounded and natural. And, I think, the audience needs those plots of everyday people too. So, the stuff is justified of course. You also did well in transforming the men-women conflict into the social circumstances of 21 century – I mean, the psychology has changed and developed, right? and it's all there


Last thing: If you're aiming for a movie streamed within social medias as youtube and such, think about the title again. On the other hand, if you aim for festivals this point isn't so important "IMO"

Who wants to see it? Who are those peops exactly?

Simpatico? Common...

Why don't have an eccentric title?

I expect something creative, playful, and maybe even avant-gardish.

Such as:

Philosophy of the tomorrow lovers
Wo/Men's mentality problems

Libby, those titles I invented above are rubbish. But I hope you understand that I'd focus 100% on exact that audience who adores to watch this clever play of relationship between the genders. You already have to arrive at them with the title.

It was a lot of fun for me.

I hope some of my notes help.

Alex

Libby,

I thought this was great. The dialogue flew by with a lot of stand-out lines, the characters were well defined. I think this would look really appealing to actors as well, which most talking heads scripts might not. Anyways, writing this comment on the clock so I'm not going to harp on what I liked exactly too much.

There's heavy reliance on coincidences in the script, with that in mind I think you could put more emphasis on the destiny angle. Maybe throw in a tongue-in-cheek meta-reference about it? It could make two things rather clear. One would be a theme/the theme depending on what you had in mind when writing this. The other would be that the script, especially with coincidences is taking itself lightly and it's just not poor plotting, which though, really is already obvious enough.

I liked all of the coincidences of the same place, the same conversation topics. All worked great, but the fact that they noticed each other at exactly the same time.. maybe it was too many of them for me already at that point. I think one should notice the other first, ending up with the other noticing the one from actions there onwards... eventually leading them up to the respective bathrooms.

P19: I'm not a fan of Bob's "wow" right before the kiss.

I don't necessarily think that the scene after the kiss fits either. I think it worked well to find out that we were actually following Bob & Ann's story and it all clicks into place there. Perfect for a fade out imo. Otherwise we're ending on the note of not finding out what happens to Chad & Melissa, not as perfect.

Also, I'm not sure, but I was quite surprised to see drama listed as a genre. Looks more like a RomCom or just a comedy to me.

Hope this helped. Very much enjoyed the read - hoping this gets picked up. Good luck!

First - well done, a very enjoyable read - great dialogue, perfect voice for the characters.

I got lost a little at the beginning with the lack of secondary scene headings as you switched back and forth between the guys and the gals - but picked it up after awhile. Where the lack of scene headings made it a bit confusing at first, I do think the use of them would disrupt what is a very snappy flow between the girls and the guys.

This a real nit, but there is one place where I would make a change:

CHAD
Jesus titty-fucking Christmas, look
at the arse on that.
- loud enough that the waitress can’t help but hear.

She turns, smiles.

I would change that to "She turns, rolls her eyes." It was just a hiccup for me - i.e. - these are fairly average looking dudes, she's a waitress that must have heard this a million times before - I think she would be put off.

I would also flip the last two scenes - I would go to the couple in the restroom first and close with the couple at the bar (just the reverse of what you have). Mostly because I think the second couple hooking up is the PERFECT close for this (great twist) and going back to the restroom for the primary couple just seemed anti-climatic.  

I think you have done a great job of intertwining humor and poignancy.

I would love to see you develop a feature from this. It would make for a great ROMCOM. You could write similar scenes for men and women at different stages of their lives (e.g., high school, twenty something, married, married with children, retired, ill/facing the end, etc.).  The arc could be that while men and women start far apart, they eventually reach a similar point of view).

Anyway - really liked it - nice work.

Yo, Libby, good to see a new script from you.

Seeing this is 20 pages and looks to be almost all dialogue and talking heads, I checked my clock to see if I really wanted to invest 20 some minutes in it.  I've got some time, so let's go.

I'll just preface this by saying this is simply my opinion, so take what you will and discard the rest.

Opening page is bloated and overwritten, IMO.  What we have here is really 2 sets of intros for 2 groups of peeps and a little dialogue - no way should this take up a whole page.  I'm sure many will vehemonantly disagree and say your intros are well done - and they are rather well done, it's just that they contain too much unnecessary description.

Remember that ALL characters need to be CAPPED when they're first intro'd, including this "waiter".

One of my "few"  ;D ;D ;D Pet Peeves is when writers use an INTERCUT, as I just find it to be lazy writing and also hard to follow at times...and this is one of those times, as you change back and forth frequently and it takes much more attention to make sure we know where we are and who we're focusing on.

The reality is that you have 2 separate "scenes" here, yet you're playing it out...and writing it, as if it were one. It really comes across like all 4 of these peeps are together and talking together.  I understand the effect you're after, and filmed, it would work just like you want it to, but, to film it, this script would have to be totally broken down and Mini Slugs would need to be added, to make sure everyone knows exactly where we are at all times.

On Page 3, you have a Flashback, but it's not formatted correctly, at least IMO, that is.  Using Flashback in the actual Slug, just doesn't work nearly as well as using "BEGIN FLASHBACK:, and then setting your scene with a new Slug.  And in this Flashback, you don't properly set the scene, IMO, by starting with 3 one line passages that show really nothing, including who's even in the scene.

On page 4, the Flashback ends, and you use BACK TO INTERCUT, which isn't technically correct...and you start out with dialogue, which again, is not correct.

It's odd because Page 5 is all Ann and Melissa, as in the back and forth "intercut" has been forgotten.  It changes the pacing and comes off strangely.

All of Page 9 and all but the final 2 dialogue boxes are Melissa and Ann again, which throws off this intercut again.

And now, all of Page 11 to 15 is Chad and Bob...and most of 16 even!  Really?

OK, finished...now for the good news...

Dialogue is pretty good...very good in many places.  Tone is fun and playful.  Ending is nice.

For me, it's just way too long with nothing going on.  I'd cut several of the dialogue exchanges and probably add a few more Flashbacks of the "other" peeps in their lives - I think there could be some funny scenes there.

I'd also rethink the formatting with the intercut being the vast majority of the script.  It's a tough read for me, because I'm looking for new Slugs (Mini's would work perfectly) when the scene changes and it changes very, very often here.

I'd also format the Flashbacks better and get it out of the actual Slug.

You did a good job portraying both male and female attitudes and personalities here.  They may be cliche, but who cares, they're well done.

For what it is, which is really a long drawn out talking heads piece, it's impressive, but overly drawn out and long winded. I'd try and bring this in, in under 15 pages, and I think you could easliy do that without losing much of anything.

Overall, I liked it, though.

Code MELISSA, a buxom brunette - spilling out of her top, her skirt hiked up to reveal long tanned legs.

Nice.

Code And ANN, a curly blonde - shorter, rounder and more modestly dressed, but with a cheery smile.

She even gets a 'but' the poor girl. Let's all pity her. I think the above could be written a little less patronisingly. I think even just dropping the 'but' would do it.


I like the intercut. There's some comedy value in having the conversations interrupted while also following both at the same time.

Code MELISSA Exactly. Beer, shag, kebab, and not necessarily in that order.

Or even separately.

Code MELISSA Destiny? Please. That’s a pre- feminist myth perpetuated by our grandmothers to stop us tarting around. Gotta put yourself out there kiddo.

LOL.

Code ANN I think guys can smell fear and desperation. Remember Scary Helen?

I'm pretty sure I've mistook that for psychosis a few times.


That's a very well done story. Nice work. Maybe you could run through and tighten the dialogue, maybe make it sharper... not that any particular area stood out to me, I have to say... but I've only read it once.

It's an excellent idea though, well executed and deserves to get made.

LIbby,

Take all comments with a jaundiced eye.

Nice setup.  You have the plain Bob and Ann vs. the preening Melissa and Chad, even the names show their inherent differences.  And the players act their part.  I might be the one off here, but do guys really talk about women this way?  I understand sports, careers, politics, etc., but getting into the women/dating talk seems a convenient construct--or maybe I've been out of the dating rat race too long.

The dialogue is spiffy and quick.  Makes for a lively read.  You might look for more slang for the couples.  Don't women have specific names for these guys?  Don't men have equally slang titles?  

The ending seems a bit too good to be true.  Love at first sight for the plain ones while the peacocks play the I-can't-let-you-see-how-much-I-want-you game.  But it makes for a good ending.  The peacocks are doomed to bypass each other.  The Wing-people find romance.  Works for me.  

Best
Richard

Hi Libby

I thought i had read this before on the title, but i hadn't . i think there was an OWC script with a similar title.

a bit like others, the 21 pages was a concern but it reads faster. However, to me this is feels like a 10-12 pager. The dialogue is smooth and the tone solid, it just feels a tad meandering.

On the up side this should be easy to film so i hope it gets picked up.

Mind you I have to say that sometimes when things are shortened they also lose feel, but a few pages off this would be easy and may give a crisper focus.

I didn't make notes as i went but i did keep on thinking to myself, why can't they just see each other? and then they did. Did i miss something? May be a better reason for the change could occur. e.g. - Large man - which the women look at to se if he is attractive and the men look at cos he looks fierce -  and sitting in between them, gets up and goes etc Could be anything really.

Random thought - with scripts like this i like it when a theme comes back at the end, something discussed at the beginning arise as a conclusion. A bookend so to speak.....mistletoe.....aha just remembered that.  :D  Possibly the man who kisses the girl at the end could mock mistletoe at the beginning - touch of irony etc Mr Bah humbug gets to change.

The flashbacks when the actions were contrary to what they were saying also slightly threw me. I was just trying to understand why, what were they getting out of this?. Again i may have missed a common thread.

all the best

Hey Libby.

Nice one here. Really entertaining stuff. Normally if something is this dialogue driven I get a bit bored but not this one. It's really well written and there are some very funny parts in there too. I think Chad's line "Jesus titty-fucking Christmas" has potential to be a highly quotable line.

The conversations between the characters are expertly handled and from my two years living there I definitely think it's very Australian.

Then the twist at the end. Brilliant. About mid-way through I could see something like that happening but the way you brought it together was wonderful. Really liked it. Have to say though, I agree with StevenClark, I would have ended it there. The ending with Chad and Melissa did nothing for me. But maybe works for others.

Well done with this and good luck with it :)

**I just want to say thanks guys for all the very helpful reviews so far.  I'll get to your suggestions in order and try not to be too long winded about it.  ;D

Quoted from Kyle I almost didn't read this because of the page count, but I'm glad I did. It seemed to go faster than a lot of the ten page scripts I've read. ...It has to be (dialogue) good enough to keep the reader interested... and I think you pulled it off here.

Thanks Kyle, I'm really glad you gave it a go and were happy with your decision. :)

Quoted from Kyle Chad's line on page 13 'I s'pose I could do her once more,' felt a little off to me. The 'do her' part just didn't seem like something he'd say. Maybe 'shag her',  'nail her' etc.

I think 'do her' might be a regional thing - 'shag' and 'nail' would work just as well I agree. 'Do', as a euphemism is quite common around my parts and Chad's not the most sophisticated of blokes. But I'll bear in mind what might be more universal.

Quoted from Kyle The fade out at the bottom of page 19 threw me for a minute. I was about to close the window as I thought it had ended. Maybe move to the next page to avoid possible confusion.

Ooh, that one got by me. Thank you for pointing that out. I'll remedy that.

I might actually change it to the original idea I had of formatting it so that extra scene comes in post/midway through the credits. At the very least I'll move it on to the next page as you suggest.

Quoted from Kyle Apart from that, I haven't got much to add, other than I enjoyed it.  Nice job.

Thanks Kyle. So glad you enjoyed it.

Quoted from Alex BEER GARDEN – One of the best slugs ever ;-) Feel good atmosphere's already established.

That's a good line right there, Alex. Made me chuckle. And I'm glad you like the description line for Melissa.

Quoted from Alex They're drinking beer, so that doesn't make sense to me.

Chad questions he has bad breath because Melissa pulled away from him when he attempts to kiss her... it's his by the numbers method of seduction so it kind of knocks him for six... I'm glad to see this all came together for you as you read on with regard to Melissa and her dialogue and her pulling away from him.

Quoted from Alex All fine. I haven't erased the above from my notes to make you know that it works in its structure very, very good. You play with the audience.

Likewise I appreciate you doing your critique and making comments as you read along - it was helpful and enlightening for me to read how it came together for you and where things did or didn't hit the spot.  

Quoted from Alex P6 When Chad tells Bob about overnight privileges I think Bob's answers "your funny..." aren't needed and sound on the nose anyhow. Here, imo, an answer of from him isn't needed at all...

I could have inserted parentheticals as to the meaning of these one liners from Bob but I'll leave this is up the actors/director's interpretation. The main reason for those lines (least from my writer's perspective) is that Bob is indulging his friend. Some of Bob's one-liners also have a veiled dig at Chad. Actually a few of his comments are not so veiled - they just go over Chad's head.

In this instance Chad is complaining about having a hot woman in his bed all night and while Bob is aware that this is also a poorly disguised ego trip on Chad's part he also finds his mate's assessment of the rules of one-night stands pretty amusing.

Quoted from Alex The interchanging conversation between both tables, about the same subject, is beautifully interwoven.

Thankyou, I"m glad it worked for you.

Quoted from Alex P 15 the country stuff distracted me.

Point taken. It may need editing.

Quoted from Alex p18 is delightful

Thank you again. I think you're referring to when the two leads spot one another?

Quoted from Alex Hahahaha great. But this is too much for me: "A quick glance at the mistletoe hanging above them." BUT MAYBE IT'S NEEDED. You make it bold that way,  but same time it's getting kind of satiric. I don't know....

Sounds as if it did and didn't work for you. This is the punchline and I actually think I used a quite light touch with this so I don't think I can agree with you on that one. I might actually add to it a bit...

Quoted from Alex Sidenote: I think fade out period is fade out period, you know.

I'd quite like some other opinions on this.

I'm pretty sure you can FADE IN and OUT throughout a script, perhaps it's FADE TO:
I know FINAL FADE OUT IS definitive.

I also know the placement on the page (as Kyle pointed out) is a problem here in terms of some could inadvertently skip the final scene.

In any case as I said above I may decide to ROLL CREDITS: and FADE IN: (again).

Quoted from Alex Great ending. Let me say this. You women here at ss are writing dramas dammmmnn good.

Yes, I'm definitely in good company.

Thanks Alex for the points you brought up. I'm happy that for the most part this worked for you and you found it entertaining. :)

P.S. Regarding the title - I gather you think it didn't quite match the story and was distancing from the subject matter? The only other working title I had was 'He Said, She Said' but that's been used quite a bit in the past.

Simpatico relates to finding 'The One' and is part of a significant scene/ part of the dialogue.

Hey Libby,

quick answers from me. But please, don't let me distract you from moving on...

The thing with the breath (and I've understood the origin coherences you refer to) is that, to me, it's just illogical Chad would let Bob check his breath in the beer garden, while drinking alcohol. Well, he drank alcohol on the day of the one night stand too; I just haven't seen somebody trying to find out about bad breath while drinking. Just with regards to that it was a bit weird to me.

I think its FADE TO BLACK (no period, right margin) followed by FADE FROM BLACK (left margin)
Or simply CUT TO
Many would just write a new slug I guess. But since it seems to be important to you to emphasize the slow fade and a long cut; that's what I believe to know about this subject without being a format junky myself, so maybe others know how to make it better. To me OUT is OUT.

P18 this whole part of the script was great. The tension was rising for another time, and them speaking same time f.e. and all that, brought the script's style to the top and introduced the climax well.

Quoted from LC The only other working title I had was 'He Said, She Said'

To me this is already better than your present title.

Quoted from LC Simpatico ... is part of a significant scene/ part of the dialogue.

That is a nice point but not a strong argument. They have to understand before.

imo,  a quick script about people who fit to each other or sth. sould be named "Sympatico".
It sounds safe and easy, bland to me.

You have so many great themes here about men and women playing their games, and it's intelligent, so I think IMO it deserves more. The great script's features you offer should be presented in all their depth. The title should foreshadow those features to get in touch with your target audience.

You did great here. And the other points you made about my notes are completely understandable for me now.

This answer isn't meant to contradict you; everything I say could be potentially wrong of course. So, please read it as a part of discussian and food for thoughts and not as me telling you how to do any thing. That's not my intention. I hope you know that.

I see you have great success with this one.

So, I wish you good luck. I hope to see this one time.

You can FADE in and out all you want in a script.  Just make sure you do fade back in...

IMO, it showsmore of a break - could be time, could be place, but it's an obvious break, whereas scenes just run in and out of each other.

Hi Libby,

As one of my favorite writers, I'm looking forward to giving this a read.  :)

I should have something up in the next day or so.

Shawn.....><

Quoted from eldave1 First - well done, a very enjoyable read - great dialogue, perfect voice for the characters.

Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it this much.

Quoted from eldave I got lost a little at the beginning with the lack of secondary scene headings... Where the lack of scene headings made it a bit confusing at first, I do think the use of them would disrupt what is a very snappy flow between the girls and the guys.

I agree it takes getting used to the flow at first. I think it is the way to go with this type of scenario.

Quoted from eldave This a real nit, but there is one place where I would make a change: CHAD Jesus titty-fucking Christmas, look at the arse on that. - loud enough that the waitress can’t help but hear. She turns, smiles. I would change that to "She turns, rolls her eyes." It was just a hiccup for me - i.e. - these are fairly average looking dudes, she's a waitress that must have heard this a million times before - I think she would be put off.

You're absolutely right that this is often the case. But this one's young and enjoying the reactions she gets. There are certain types of young women who relish any and all attention no matter who's giving it.
Bob's line: 'That’s about her, mate. Not you.' is meant to bring Chad down to earth: He knows the waitress is flattered - he also knows Chad shouldn't think it has anything to do with him. These guys are well past their prime.

Quoted from eldave I would also flip the last two scenes - I would go to the couple in the restroom first and close with the couple at the bar...

So, you'd keep both scenes but reverse them? Interesting. Hmm, I still think in terms of momentum I like the other two disappearing and the focus shifting to Bob and Ann. I appreciate your view though.

Quoted from eldave I think you have done a great job of intertwining humor and poignancy.

Thanks for including the word 'poignancy'. I'm glad you could see there's a lot more going on beneath the banter.

Quoted from eldave I would love to see you develop a feature from this. It would make for a great ROMCOM. You could write similar scenes for men and women at different stages of their lives...

Hmm, those are some nice ideas for developing it that you came up with. I might do, not sure. Maybe...  ;D

Quoted from eldave Anyway - really liked it - nice work.

Thank you for your comments and suggestions, Dave. I appreciate it. I actually took at look at your feature the other week - didn't make comments at the time because I was a lil' busy completing this but I was impressed with your story. Seems you're already gaining some interest with agents and made it quite a fair way into Page and Nicholl last year too. Good on you. Look forward to reading more of yours. :)
  

Quoted from PrussianMosby Hey Libby, quick answers from me. But please, don't let me distract you from moving on...

Forgot to say thanks Alex for weighing in on this again. I will consider all of your points and ponder the title as well. :)

Hey Dustin, thanks for the read and review.

And ANN, a curly blonde - shorter, rounder and more modestly
dressed, but with a cheery smile.

Quoted from Dustin She even gets a 'but' the poor girl. Let's all pity her. I think the above could be written a little less patronisingly. I think even just dropping the 'but' would do it.

Point well made. I can't believe I did that. :B The 'but' will be removed.

Quoted from Dustin I like the intercut. There's some comedy value in having the conversations interrupted while also following both at the same time.

Most people agree with you, and I think so too. I'm yet to consult further with slug-master Jeffrey about it...

MELISSA
Destiny? Please. That’s a pre-
feminist myth perpetuated by our
grandmothers to stop us tarting
around. Gotta put yourself out
there kiddo.

Quoted from Dustin LOL.

Thanks. I didn't think that line was too shabby either. The 'tarting' makes it, I think. :)
            
ANN
I think guys can smell fear and
desperation. Remember Scary Helen?

Quoted from Dustin I'm pretty sure I've mistook that for psychosis a few times.

Yep, there's a fine line, I reckon.  ;D

Quoted from Dustin That's a very well done story. Nice work. Maybe you could run through and tighten the dialogue, maybe make it sharper... not that any particular area stood out to me, I have to say... but I've only read it once. It's an excellent idea though, well executed and deserves to get made.

Thank you. And, yep, the hard part (as always) will be in tightening that dialogue hopefully not at the expense of the rest. High praise from you, I'm so glad you liked it... and I'm crossing my fingers.

Quoted from LC Most people agree with you, and I think so too. I'm yet to consult further with slug-master Jeffrey about it...

I did it myself in a feature I've just written. It happens a few times throughout the script too. I think putting in mini slugs would ruin it.

Intercut is perfectly acceptable. If some get confused... well, perhaps they are better off watching than they are reading.

Quoted from LC Most people agree with you, and I think so too. I'm yet to consult further with slug-master Jeffrey about it...

Are they eating your vegetables? They eat my vegetables. Gastropodic barstards.

R

Quoted from rendevous Are they eating your vegetables? They eat my vegetables. Gastropodic barstards. R

The setting is a beer garden. Slugs drown there.

P.S. I know  this because I've used  pans of beer in my vegetable garden to control slugs. They love the beer, crawl in the pan, drown.

Re: "slugmaster" Jeffrey. I also like the name Sluggo.

Quoted from LC I'm yet to consult further with slug-master Jeffrey about it...

Sluggo reviewed your script and commented on this 2 days ago, and you didn't respond to anything he had to offer.

Word on the street is that he's very upset and drinking heavily because of it.   ;D ;D ;D

I don't live in a beer garden. Perhaps one happy day I will. But let's face it: It's fecking unlikely.

Barstards ate my trousers. I supposed I should have been wearing them. But where is the fun in that?

Molluscky fuckers.

R

Quoted from Dreamscale Sluggo reviewed your script and commented on this 2 days ago, and you didn't respond to anything he had to offer. Word on the street is that he's very upset and drinking heavily because of it.   ;D ;D ;D

Nothing new there, then  ;D
I'll get to you.

Quoted from Richard Nice setup.  You have the plain Bob and Ann vs. the preening Melissa and Chad, even the names show their inherent differences.  And the players act their part.

Thank you.  

Quoted from Richard I might be the one off here, but do guys really talk about women this way? I understand sports, careers, politics, etc., but getting into the women/dating talk seems a convenient construct--or maybe I've been out of the dating rat race too long.

I don't think it's that you've been off the dating scene as much as that maybe your experience has been that men don't talk about this stuff. Obviously I don't speak for all men (and I wouldn't dare :)) but yeah, a lot of guys do open up to one another and not just about blokey things. Chad and Bob have a history so they're comfortable sharing a lot of stuff. It's a misnomer that it's only women who do all the talking, and I have that on good authority.

Quoted from Richard The dialogue is spiffy and quick.  Makes for a lively read.  You might look for more slang for the couples.  Don't women have specific names for these guys?  Don't men have equally slang titles?

Like what, exactly? I think I know what you mean and I think I've gone as far as I want to with that but would you care to elaborate?

Quoted from Richard The ending seems a bit too good to be true.

First point: this hopefully will be a film - "What is drama, after all, but life with the dull bits cut out." . Second point: This is instant attraction - eyes across a crowded room stuff. It happens all the time. A fairy-tale ending one might say, but it's also a fairy tale meeting and beginning for these characters.
                                                

Quoted from Richard Love at first sight for the plain ones while the peacocks play the I-can't-let-you-see-how-much-I-want-you game.  But it makes for a good ending.  The peacocks are doomed to bypass each other.  The Wing-people find romance.  Works for me.

For a moment I read that as: ''winged people" and thought ooh, how poetic of you. In my view it's not really about the plain or the pretty ones getting lucky in the end as much as that it's all a bit random and that there is no recipe for finding 'the one'. But of course it's also open to interpretation.

Thanks for your thoughts Richard. I posted some comments on your script 'Tipping Point'.

Quoted from Bill ... the 21 pages was a concern but it reads faster. However, to me this is feels like a 10-12 pager. The dialogue is smooth and the tone solid but it felt a bit meandering... Mind you I have to say that sometimes when things are shortened they also lose feel, but a few pages off this would be easy and may give a crisper focus.

I know what you mean. It's a balancing act isn't it. Cutting stuff I find really difficult - and though I'll concede some cuts here and there may be in order this was always going to be a bit longer exploration of 'he said, she said' than ten to twelve pages. Thanks for the complimentary comments on the dialogue etc.

Quoted from Bill ... I did keep on thinking to myself, why can't they just see each other?

Daft as it is, some people just don't see what's directly in front of them. Having said this it could be pushing it. Your suggestion re 'large man' may be in order - or perhaps a large Christmas decoration that is moved or a food serving tray - let me know if you think of something else interesting or even amusing that might work here.

Quoted from Bill The flashbacks when the actions were contrary to what they were saying also slightly threw me. I was just trying to understand why, what were they getting out of this?. Again I may have missed a common thread.

There's two points here I think. In answer to the first, I don't feel the actions were contrary to the flashbacks. And, what are they getting out of this? Well, people love to talk - in general and about their exploits and sexual prowess - they also like to advise on the subject especially if they think the other person needs educating. Let's also not forget this lot have 'had a few' and they're in an environment where they're hoping to 'pick up'.

Quoted from Bill Random thought: A bookend so to speak.....mistletoe... Possibly the man who kisses the girl at the end could mock mistletoe at the beginning - touch of irony etc Mr Bah humbug gets to change.

Definitely something to think about.

Quoted from Bill On the up side this should be easy to film so i hope it gets picked up.

Thanks Bill. I appreciate your comments and suggestions.

Hey, Libby.

I really like the idea and the ending. I wish Bob and Ann lasted a little longer though at the end - I mean I wish to see them talk a bit more to reinforce a few of those moments you brought up in the dialog earlier. I know you did the kiss. And the misletoe above is like destiny brought them there. But I still wish there was more and that we ssee the a bit longer.

Another thing is to make dialog snappier. Like on p8 "how about you and leonard" - you could follow with "the guy chewed with his mouth open".
The intercut moments could be snappier perhaps. Like the one on p2 - I don't get very well what Melissa and Ann are talking there about - I think what girls say should blend with the guy's talk right away, se we get clear idea.

Melissa talked about snogging, then refused to kiss - I don't know...


You brought up Helen and Simonne there in the middle - those parts were not interesting to read - maybe because I don't know them. Maybe the girls could say something about Helen and the boys later talk about something Helen did as well? Otherwise I was lost there.

Very nice ending. I didn't expect that.

Quoted from JC Cleveland Yo, Libby, good to see a new script from you.

Yo, Jeffrey, thanks for taking a look.

Quoted from JC Cleveland Opening page is bloated and overwritten, IMO.  What we have here is really 2 sets of intros for 2 groups of peeps and a little dialogue - no way should this take up a whole page. ... (and) re characters - 'rather well done but contain too much unnecessary description

I see it as one page to set the scene, establish location, create atmosphere, four character descriptions, and opening dialogue of three of those same four characters. A script can't be a shopping list of bullet points. There's about three lines of dialogue here so as far as screentime goes it will go by in no time. If I strip it back any further all the colour, vitality and characterisation goes out the window - imh.

How would you do it? If I wrote BOB & CHAD 40s, MELISSA & ANN 30s. What would the
actors have to go on? I don't really see what is unnecessary there. If you'd like to give me an example... likewise if you want to give an example of doing this with mini-slugs. I'm open to seeing whether it would improve the script but I highly doubt it.

Quoted from JC Cleveland Remember ALL characters need to be CAPPED when they're first intro'd, including this "waiter".

And WAITRESS actually...Duly noted.

Quoted from JC Cleveland One of my "few"  ;D ;D ;D Pet Peeves is when writers use an INTERCUT, as I just find it to be lazy writing and also hard to follow at times...

I tried formatting this the conventional way - it doesn't work imh - if you think this is bloated and hard to follow try it the other way... really, give it a go.

Quoted from JC Cleveland The reality is that you have 2 separate "scenes" here, yet you're playing it out...and writing it, as if it were one. ... It really comes across like all 4 of these peeps are together and talking together.

I really don't think it does. You're the first one to say this. The general consensus is contrary to your view. There are two scenes running concurrently here - a director can film each couple/table separately and then get very creative editing it together.  Perhaps you were hitting the turps again?  ;D

Quoted from JC Cleveland   I understand the effect you're after, and filmed, it would work just like you want it to, but, to film it, this script would have to be totally broken down and Mini Slugs would need to be added, to make sure everyone knows exactly where we are at all times.

Well, I'm glad we agree on the first part. I'm not convinced about the mini slugs however. I really think it's clear where everybody is and where everybody would be filmed. Except for the final scenes they all stay put at their respective tables.

Quoted from JC Cleveland On Page 3, you have a Flashback, but it's not formatted correctly, at least IMO, that is.

I think this is a personal style choice. Using separate lines in a short like this for BEGIN FLASHBACK END FLASHBACK or BACK TO SCENE would just add more bloat to page count.

Quoted from JC Cleveland On page 4, the Flashback ends, and you use BACK TO INTERCUT, which isn't technically correct... and you start out with dialogue, which again, is not correct

The intercut is between the two couples/two tables. It doesn't necessarily mean
that their dialogue constantly interrupts at each line of dialogue as in a conventional intercut - i.e., two separate locations - two characters back and forth. As I said I think a lot of the magic of this could be achieved in the editing room. I wrote a version originally (like this below) where each corresponding thought/line of dialogue intercut with the other  but it ended up being very convoluted.

MELISSA
Speaking of, whatever happened with
you and that Leonard guy?

CHAD
Hey, whatever happened to that
redhead you were seeing.

It's the director's job with this to come up with his creative vision of how the parallel dialogue threads interweave.

Quoted from JC Cleveland Dialogue is pretty good...very good in many places.  Tone is fun and playful.  Ending is nice.

Thanks so much.

Quoted from JC Cleveland I'd cut several of the dialogue exchanges and probably add a few more Flashbacks of the "other" peeps in their lives - I think there could be some funny scenes there.

If this were a feature length I'd add more characters. I'll be looking closely with regard to editing some of the dialogue exchanges.

Quoted from JC Cleveland You did a good job portraying both male and female attitudes and personalities here.  They may be cliche, but who cares, they're well done.

I'm glad you found it entertaining. Casting would be key here and also talented actors with a knack for comic and deadpan delivery.

Quoted from JC Cleveland For what it is, which is really a long drawn out talking heads piece, it's impressive, but overly drawn out and long winded. I'd try and bring this in under 15 pages, and I think you could easliy do that without losing much of anything. ...Overall, I liked it, though.

Thank you so much. I think I'll take that 'impressive' and run with it. :)

Libby -- Nicely restrained response.

Quoted from DS Libby,I thought this was great. The dialogue flew by with a lot of stand-out lines, the characters were well defined. I think this would look really appealing to actors as well, which most talking heads scripts might not.

Thanks. One can only hope. :)

Quoted from DS There's heavy reliance on coincidences in the script, with that in mind I think you could put more emphasis on the destiny angle. Maybe throw in a tongue-in-cheek meta-reference about it? ...

I'm not sure about a 'breaking the fourth wall' line. Perhaps if I was Steve Martin. Also it could be a little overdone and verging on farce but it's an interesting suggestion. I think the themes are pretty obvious. As for coincidence - I think it's pretty realistic and not too contrived - The way I see it Chad and Melissa had a one-night stand - in all likelihood they live in the same general neighbourhood and haunt the same local pubs, venues etc. I've been introduced to people before and then never see them again, then there are others I don't particularly want to see who I bump into over and over again. It happens.

Quoted from DS I liked all of the coincidences of the same place, the same conversation topics. All worked great, but the fact that they noticed each other at exactly the same...

You're right. I think Reef mentioned the same thing about a physical obstacle impeding their view and then it being cleared. Let me know if you think of a good idea here...

Quoted from DS P19: I'm not a fan of Bob's "wow" right before the kiss.

I imagined Bob kind of whispering/breathy when he says this so perhaps I should change the parenthetical to reflect that - I didn't place an exclamation point after it because I picture Bob saying this in a quiet 'blows his socks of' kind of way. I'll look at that.

Quoted from DS I don't necessarily think that the scene after the kiss fits either...

Yep, this one most people are divided on.  

Quoted from DS Also, I'm not sure, but I was quite surprised to see drama listed as a genre.Looks more like a RomCom or just a comedy to me.

You're spot on. When I started writing this it wasn't my intention to write a Rom/Com but it sort of evolved into one. I'll change the genre when I can.

Quoted from DS Hope this helped. Very much enjoyed the read - hoping this gets picked up. Good luck!

Yes it did. You quite often come up with a different angle in your reviews and you did here as well. I appreciate your input. Thanks DS.  

Quoted from Stumpzian Libby -- Nicely restrained response.

That made me chuckle.  Btw, I am sincere about Jeff giving me examples too, if he wants to. :)

Quoted from Glenn Hey Libby. Nice one here. Really entertaining stuff. Normally if something is this dialogue driven I get a bit bored but not this one. It's really well written and there are some very funny parts in there too. I think Chad's line "Jesus titty-fucking Christmas" has potential to be a highly quotable line.

Thanks Glenn. Just so you know that line is not something I would say  ;D but I think it suits the character.

Quoted from Glenn The conversations between the characters are expertly handled and from my two years living there I definitely think it's very Australian.

So you lived in Oz? That's very interesting... :) As for it being very Aussie I think there's a little Brit influence in some of the dialogue too - it happens now and then cause of my 'significant other' but I don't think it hurts it.

Quoted from Glenn Then the twist at the end. Brilliant. About mid-way through I could see something like that happening but the way you brought it together was wonderful... I would have ended it there.

Thank you. Reviews like yours make the slog worthwhile and I'm pleased in general that it's going down so well. I'll have to count up later how many people want it to finish it at that point. I suppose at least there's an alternative ending.

Quoted from Glenn Well done with this and good luck with it :)

Thanks Glenn. Let me know if you want anything read.

Quoted from LC That made me chuckle.  Btw, I am sincere about Jeff giving me examples too, if he wants to. :)

You got it.  Just not tonight.  I;ll look at this again and explain what I mean better...hopefully...   ;D ;D ;D

BTW, I had to look up "snogging."

My mother-in-law (my second) was Aussie and lived with us from '99 until she died in '07 at age 93. Never heard her say it. I suppose there was no reason why she should have.

Quoted from Dreamscale You got it.  Just not tonight.  I;ll look at this again and explain what I mean better...hopefully...   ;D ;D ;D

8) Whenever you have time. Hope you're having a good night.

Quoted from Stumpzian BTW, I had to look up "snogging." My mother-in-law (my second) was Aussie and lived with us from '99 until she died in '07 at age 93. Never heard her say it. I suppose there was no reason why she should have.

Does that make you married to an Aussie girl?

Ah, see she probably wouldn't know it. She would have been more familiar with the word 'pash' or 'pashing', which is what Aussies used to call it. Our culture has been heavily influenced by the Brits and the U.S. so we often adopt their sayings. I couldn't find anything else so I'm assuming we adopted 'snog'. :)

Do you guys call it 'making out' or what?

Quoted from Stumpzian BTW, I had to look up "snogging."

I too looked up 'snogging'. I already knew what it meant. I just like reading about it. It's been so long...

R

Hi Libby,

I'm a bit ashamed to admit this is the first short I've read by you. But I'll keep an eye out from now on. ;)

Yes, this reads quite fast for a 21-pager (even if "snogging" wasn't the only word I personally had to look up ;) ). I liked the way you handled the sex stuff - both with humor and honesty. Melissa and Chad do say some interesting things, despite the fact that the romantics (thankfully) win in the end.

Now, the previous comments have covered pretty much everything, so let me just add one small gripe: Why do Melissa and Chad ignore what's going on in their friends' lives? I mean, Chad seems to be a close friend of Bob, but asks him about his relationship with Simonne as if they haven't communicated for ages. I'm not sure if this was your intention (friends that haven't met for a while), but it needs to be a little clearer.

Also, I'd probably prefer the scene with Bob and Ann to be a little subtler (maybe without the kiss), but that's a matter of personal taste.

A really enjoyable and filmable script. Best of luck with it!

Manolis

Quoted from rendevous I too looked up 'snogging'. I already knew what it meant. I just like reading about it. It's been so long... R

LOL.

Quoted from LC Does that make you married to an Aussie girl? Ah, see she probably wouldn't know it. She would have been more familiar with the word 'pash' or 'pashing', which is what Aussies used to call it. Our culture has been heavily influenced by the Brits and the U.S. so we often adopt their sayings. I couldn't find anything else so I'm assuming we adopted 'snog'. :) Do you guys call it 'making out' or what?

No, she's a Detroit/Tampa girl. Her mother (from Sydney) married a Chicago  man stationed in the Philippines during the war. She came to the U.S. in the '40s.

Yes, I guess "making out" is the term, or used to be. In "On Golden Pond" (early '80s), some kid calls it "sucking face."

Quoted Text So you lived in Oz? That's very interesting...

Yep :) Perth mostly. Would love to go back one day.

In the script the lads drink beers. I just hope to God they are pints and not schooners! Hands down the worst thing about Australia!

Other than that, lovely place.

;)

Quoted from IamGlenn Yep :) ...  I just hope to God they are pints and not schooners! Hands down the worst thing about Australia! Other than that, lovely place. ;)

Yeah, we really need to get our priorities right, don't we. ;D

Quoted from Khamanna I really like the idea and the ending. ... I still wish there was more and that we see the a bit longer.

Steve suggested the same. I'll be having a look at this, not decided yet, but it may be added to, at least by way of a bit more atmosphere perhaps...

Quoted from Khamanna Another thing is to make dialog snappier. Like on p8 "how about you and leonard" - you could follow with "the guy chewed with his mouth open".

I'll be sure to check out this particular dialogue passage you mention. Thank you for that.

Quoted from Khamanna The intercut moments could be snappier perhaps. Like the one on p2 - I don't get very well what Melissa and Ann are talking there about - I think what girls say should blend with the guy's talk right away, se we get clear idea.

If it's too exact I think it will be contrived. I think it's pretty clear that there is a parallel. The guys discuss whether Melissa is marriage material and Ann remarks on the fact Melissa believes she's just met 'the one' - again... i.e., that she's 'played that tune before.'

Quoted from Khamanna Melissa talked about snogging, then refused to kiss - I don't know...

Melissa is a mess of contradictions. Characters/people often say the opposite of what they mean. She doesn't want to scare Chad off so experience tells her to pull back on the kissing so as not to appear needy. She thinks in just giving him sex it'll make her uncomplicated and alluring. She still longs for the innocent days spent snogging/making out though.

I almost wrote a specific line of dialogue where Ann calls her out on that but I decided the dichotomy of what Melissa says and does is more interesting and kinda amusing.

Quoted from Khamanna You brought up Helen and Simonne there in the middle - those parts were not interesting to read - maybe because I don't know them. Maybe the girls could say something about Helen and the boys later talk about something Helen did as well? Otherwise I was lost there.

To my mind Simonne gives us more of a glimpse into Bob.

'Scary Helen' is a reference to a friend of Melissa and Ann going way back - a very desperate for love type who throws herself at men in a demeaning way. You never met a 'type' like this? As Dustin mentioned sometimes their behaviour borders on pyschotic. The irony is that Melissa is very close to being this 'type' herself.  

The guys don't know Scary Helen at all - that would stretch the coincidences too far.

Quoted from Khamanna Very nice ending. I didn't expect that.

I'm glad the ending came as a nice surprise. Thank you for the review Khamanna. :)

Libby,

I guess you're talking about rolling the credits over the friends meeting at the bar? If that's the case I'd stay away from it. You're right. It is a bit pretentious and really something the director should decide. I don't think it'd add more to the read. Probably just piss peeps off around here!

Anyway, with that scene when te friends meet at the bar... I'd be inclined to end it there. I read that u did, then tacked on. Just my preference but that's where I would've cut it, and like I said try to tie up your main's storyline a little earlier just to make that last scene happen.

When I say "surreal" I'm thinking of the dance scene in The Fisher King at the train station. Maybe not something quite as grand as that, but I feel that scene deserves more and needs a bit of weight if you're so inclined to end it there.

Steve

Don't worry about pissing people off around here. We, as writers, naturally have a lower tolerance for the work of others. How many can genuinely speak for a director? If you want to roll credits at a specific point because that's how you visualise the film playing out then just do it.

I get your point, Dustin. And pissing peeps off was said tongue in cheek really. And surely you can do whatever you like. Just something I wouldn't do here.

Steve

Quoted from SAC I guess you're talking about rolling the credits over the friends meeting at the bar? If that's the case I'd stay away from it. You're right. It is a bit pretentious and really something the director should decide. I don't think it'd add more to the read. Probably just piss peeps off around here!

I wouldn't worry about that one little bit.

I actually know an amazing script on here that did just that.   ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Quoted from SAC Libby, I guess you're talking about rolling the credits over the friends meeting at the bar? ...

Noooo, not at all. The 'kiss' scene stays as is. No credits rolling over it.

Rolling credits over Chad and Melissa in the restrooms doing their primping and preening thing is what I had in mind and then it finishes abruptly with them about to exit, their hands on the doorhandles.

Quoted from Steve When I say "surreal" I'm thinking of the dance scene in The Fisher King at the train station. Maybe not something quite as grand as that, but I feel that scene deserves more and needs a bit of weight if you're so inclined to end it there. Steve

I'm with you on the surreal style - there's another scene but I can't think of it... perhaps it's something out of Baz Lurman's R& J in style, I mean. Anyway I'm gonna have another look at that scene in FK.

Writing it is another thing but thanks Steve.

And thanks for the metaphorical kick, Dustin, you're right. It is how I pictured it, so what the heck. :)

Some more notes for you Libby, since you're so active on the boards I feel like slacking - gave you like two-three sentences and din't go in detail.

Anyway:

on the page 3/4 Chad is telling Bob that Melissa didn't want to kiss. THe dialog between Ann and Melissa is a bit different. Melissa tells Ann that he was a bit shy at the beginning. THen only on p5 she tells Ann that she doesn't believe in kissing from the beginning. I'm thinking their "kissing" talk should come earlier.

Like here:
I see a good punch here:
p6 "In the end I just wanted it done and her gone. Know what I mean?
MELISSA
I stayed the night."

on p 6 Melissa wants to deliver a confession and Ann reacts "Oh-oh, really" - I'm a bit lost here.

p6 "She was drunk as a skunk" is a bit much for me. THe rest of it is fine and funny "like a dead weight all night. Be alright except she was lying diagonal, you know?" - that I liked.

THen Melissa says "I was out there before he woke up, so it's cool" - lost again, what's cool?

Then on p 7 there's "on top" talk and I like the to and fro here. I like the fact you Melissa and Ann don't start it right after the guys - it's a very smooth intercut here I think.

One other thought about Helen - maybe you could name her different not "scary" but somethng more specific that tells us about her case. Or maybe you could tells us more about her - it would add more texture to this part.

Not sure but had a thought that conversation between Bob and Chad about "the one" could be shortened. Some of it sounds like a repetition especially the end of it. Maybe stop on "in every single country of this earth". And then CHAD "Oh, fuck me"....

And then I loved the part where Melissa wondering if he was stalking her there - very funny.

(Libby, you don't have to answer me, just use whatever you think is useful if any)

Quoted from Manolis Yes, this reads quite fast for a 21-pager (even if "snogging" wasn't the only word I personally had to look up  ). I liked the way you handled the sex stuff - both with humor and honesty. Melissa and Chad do say some interesting things, despite the fact that the romantics (thankfully) win in the end.

1. Manolis, I'd love to know the other word apart from 'snogging'. 2. It's 20 pages if you don't count the title page.  ;D 3. Thank you for the comment re humor and honesty - that's what I was going for.

Quoted from Manolis ... let me just add one small gripe: Why do Melissa and Chad ignore what's going on in their friends' lives? I mean, Chad seems to be a close friend of Bob, but asks him about his relationship with Simonne as if they haven't communicated for ages. I'm not sure if this was your intention (friends that haven't met for a while), but it needs to be a little clearer.

Melissa and Chad are well aware of their friend's past relationships - Chad remembers Simonne very well - she made a lasting impression but he probably also realized time was needed before Bob would feel comfortable talking about it. Ann's relationship was much more shortlived.

Bear in mind Chad and Melissa are pretty self absorbed and insensitive to what is going on in their friend's lives.  Leonard only registered on Melissa's radar when the girls were discussing 'ugly sex face' - and she said: Ann and Leonard 'looked good together'- who needs a friend like that eh?

Quoted from Manolis Also, I'd probably prefer the scene with Bob and Ann to be a little subtler (maybe without the kiss), but that's a matter of personal taste.

Without the kiss?! Coming from the guy who just wrote a scene in SLOWMO with a Sophie Marceau/Brigitte Bardot lookalike?  

Quoted from Manolis A really enjoyable and filmable script. Best of luck with it!

Thanks so much for your thoughts Manolis... But really, no kiss?

Quoted from LC 1. Manolis, I'd love to know the other word apart from 'snogging'.

"Shebank". Don't worry though, I always have to look up some English words and expressions. ;)

Quoted from LC Bear in mind Chad and Melissa are pretty self absorbed and insensitive to what is going on in their friend's lives.

Yeah, I guess that can explain their attitude.

Quoted from LC Without the kiss?! Coming from the guy who just wrote a scene in SLOWMO with a Sophie Marceau/Brigitte Bardot lookalike?

Well, my guy put in all that hard work only to have his face licked by a puppy in the end.  ;)

I just felt that the instant kiss was a bit unrealistic. Perhaps Bob and Ann could just glance at each other's lips and smile knowingly.

Manolis

Quoted from Manolis "Shebank". Don't worry though, I always have to look up some English words and expressions. ;)

Manolis, you've got me stumped with this one?

Quoted from LC Manolis, you've got me stumped with this one?

Sorry, I meant "shebang". I'm a Greek though, so bear in mind that I can understand and spell words like "megalocheirous" and "cacohydrophobia". ;)

Very good. And you're right I only speak one language. You had me looking up those two... Touché  ;D

Khamanna, thanks for taking another look.

Quoted from Khamanna on p 6 Melissa wants to deliver a confession and Ann reacts "Oh-oh, really" - I'm a bit lost here.

Chad's line picks it up with 'she was drunk as a skunk'. The two couple's dialogue frequently tops and tails the other's dialogue.

Quoted from Khamanna p6 "She was drunk as a skunk" is a bit much for me.

I'd say that's good. It's in keeping with Chad's character. It might jar with you cause perhaps it's not a local reference you're familiar with?

Quoted from Khamanna THen Melissa says "I was out there before he woke up, so it's cool" - lost again, what's cool?

Melissa didn't plan on staying the night but she was drunk. She believes she made up for it with her quick uncomplicated exit the following morning i.e., that she saved face so it's 'cool' as in fine.

Quoted from Khamanna Then on p 7 there's "on top" talk and I like the to and fro here. I like the fact you Melissa and Ann don't start it right after the guys - it's a very smooth intercut here I think.

Thanks so much. I tried to vary them.

Quoted from Khamanna One other thought about Helen - maybe you could name her different not "scary" but somethng more specific that tells us about her case. Or maybe you could tells us more about her - it would add more texture to this part.

I think 'scary' sums her up perfectly. You seem to want me to give her a bigger part.  ;D but as I said before she's ostensibly a cautionary-tale.

Quoted from Khamanna Not sure but had a thought that conversation between Bob and Chad about "the one" could be shortened.

Maybe. Ultimately though I think a lot of this would depend upon the delivery from the actors.

Quoted from Khamanna And then I loved the part where Melissa wondering if he was stalking her there - very funny.

Thanks Khamanna, I thought that had a certain humorous flow to it. Once again it comes down to their wildly different perspectives and their inflated egos.

Thanks for taking another look - I suppose if anything it proves it was memorable for you. Let me know when you've got something you want me to take a look at. :)

I owed you a read for a while.

I really liked this. The only thing I will suggest is to make the intercuts between the two pairs... better.

I mean, I was able to visualize it all but someone might complain it got a bit confusing. Lol.

That's all I got to say. It's really good. Talking about finding your soulmate. Lol.

Hope this helps,

Gabe

I enjoyed it, Libby.

Most of the things I felt have been dealt with elsewhere.

Overall feeling: Very well written, with good wit and energy...somewhat underwhelming conclusion.

I felt that after 20 minutes the audience needed something "bigger" to help the story stand out from the competing pack (I'm imagining watching this in a festival).

I felt the Chad/Melissa ending significantly undercut the previous scene, taking it from an emotional high to a feeling of being underwhelmed. At the very least you should consider switching the order those scenes are presented. Show that Cad and Melissa are too caught up in themselves to fall in love, but then finish with Ann and Bob.

The last few seconds of a film are really critical...it's the emotion that the audience are left with...and that's how they feel about the film overall. A mediocre film with a strong ending will be remembered more fondly than a great film with a mediocre ending.

I think you need either something very leftfield...(Some crazy "Let's all have an orgy" type vibe) or I would go the whole hog with the happy ending and have them all fall madly in love...with the other pair. So Bob and Melissa end up together and so do Ann and Chad.

The script feels a bit like it's hedging its bets at the moment...like it doesn't want to commit to one thing or the other. That's OK for a very realistic, arty type story, but I don't think it fully suits the material here.

Just my opinion. Good stuff, as usual, Libs.

Rick

Hey LC

You've got plenty of feedback so I'll keep my thoughts short and sweet.

The intercut between the two conversations works really well throughout and the dialogue was top notch. I found it to be very entertaining and the 20 pages flew by, though I almost missed the last page lol.

I really enjoyed the story itself too.  I liked how Ann and Bob got together; the quiet ones always find love ;)

I've not really anything else to say, sorry.  I don't have any real issues so this review is little more than praise and not entirely useful lol.  I'm sure you've got some useful tips from previous comments; I've not read them.

Good work.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley I really liked this. The only thing I will suggest is to make the intercuts between the two pairs... better.I mean, I was able to visualize it all but someone might complain it got a bit confusing. Lol.

But you weren't confused were you? That's rhetorical. :) I think it works well. Who knows what might happen in a shooting script.

Quoted from AKA Gabe That's all I got to say. It's really good. Talking about finding your soulmate. Lol.

Glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for input Gabe, much appreciated.

Hi LC,

Really enjoyed this. The 20 or so pages breezed by. I thought the dialogue was great. Natural. Got a strong sense of each character in a short period of time.

Also thought you handled the intercutting well. Once the setting and characters were established, I had no problem keeping up. In fact, I would imagine trying a few different angles would probably lead to things getting more confusing, "stilted" - had to do it - and add unneeded pages.

Don't have too much to add in ways of critique. Thought the writing was quite solid.

My only gripe would be the ending with Ann and Bob. I personally would have liked them to have had their moment - notice the mistletoe - then go for a more restrained kiss. Maybe a little awkward. Adding a little more subtlety and tension. That's how I imagine their interaction based on what I picked up from their personalities. Although, I can see, based on their previous, individual conversations, that going for the second deep kiss is cute and kinda funny. For me, it felt a bit off.

Just a subjective opinion. Certainly still works as is.

Great work, LC.

Look forward to Stilts. Love the title. Already a little creeped out.

Best of luck.

Rick, thanks so much for giving this a read.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films ... Overall feeling: Very well written, with good wit and energy...

Thank you, good to hear.

Quoted from Rick ... somewhat underwhelming conclusion.... I felt that after 20 minutes the audience needed something "bigger" to help the story stand out from the competing pack (I'm imagining watching this in a festival).I felt the Chad/Melissa ending significantly undercut the previous scene,

Point taken. Quite a bit of the feedback suggests you're not alone with this opinion. Rather ironic that I added that final scene at the suggestion of another reader who felt the Chad and Melissa thread was crying out for a post-script.

Quoted from Rick ... taking it from an emotional high to a feeling of being underwhelmed. At the very least you should consider switching the order those scenes are presented.

I've changed the current draft so the Chad and Melissa scene rolls over the credits. I think that may work but then again perhaps it might come out altogether. Switching the scenes didn't work so well momentum wise.

Quoted from Rick The last few seconds of a film are really critical...I think you need either something very leftfield...(Some crazy "Let's all have an orgy" type vibe) or...

I absolutely agree with you on the first point... I'm not sold on an 'orgy type vibe' though.  ;D  It might tip it over into farcical romp territory - which would amuse some audiences I suppose... I do see what you're saying re the tone of this and satisfying the audience.

Quoted from Rick The script feels a bit like it's hedging its bets at the moment...like it doesn't want to commit to one thing or the other. That's OK for a very realistic, arty type story, but I don't think it fully suits the material here.

Hedging. You think? Oh, you mean with Melissa and Chad? In that regard, you're right it does. Both couples with happy endings I thought might leave an audience groaning. I went with Steve's earlier advice and tweaked Ann and Bob's big moment - not too much but just a bit, so hopefully that'll give it a more self assured and satisfying denouement. I rather liked leaving it open as far as Melissa and Chad went because they're both so sure of themselves.

Quoted from Rick Just my opinion. Good stuff, as usual, Libs.

I really appreciate you weighing in on this Rick. Your comments are always very insightful and you have a knack of analyzing a story - I said as much last OWC - so thanks again.

P.S. I hope you're getting some interest with Deep In The Bone, that was a cracker.  

Quoted from alffy Hey LC You've got plenty of feedback so I'll keep my thoughts short and sweet.

Thanks Alffy. I appreciate you giving this a once over.

Quoted from alffy The intercut between the two conversations works really well throughout and the dialogue was top notch. I found it to be very entertaining and the 20 pages flew by,

Another fan of the intercut - heartening and consolidating to hear, thanks. Glad you found the dialogue easy on the ear too.

Quoted from alffy though I almost missed the last page lol.

Yep, it wasn't good where that page fell. I've since corrected it in the new draft, yet to put up.

Quoted from alffy I've not really anything else to say, sorry.  I don't have any real issues so this review is little more than praise and not entirely useful lol. Good work.

I dunno, praise is always nice  ;D and I'm happy nothing really stuck out for you as an issue. Proof will always be in the pudding of course... I really appreciate you taking time out to give this a read and your opinion, so thanks Alffy.

Quoted from Jimi ...Really enjoyed this. The 20 or so pages breezed by. I thought the dialogue was great. Natural. Got a strong sense of each character in a short period of time.Thought the writing was quite solid.

Thanks so much Jimi. Glad it was all pretty smooth for you.

Quoted from Jimi ... I would imagine trying a few different angles would probably lead to things getting more confusing, "stilted" - had to do it - and add unneeded pages.

Ha, ha, good pun. :) My thinking too. I tried it the 'correct' way - (least to some) and it didn't read well. The page count would have been a big bloat too, you're right.

I paraphrased your other main point below - hope you don't mind.

Quoted from Jimi ... My only gripe would be the ending with Ann and Bob. I personally would have liked a more restrained kiss... Felt a bit off...  Adding a little more subtlety and tension. That's how I imagine their interaction... Just a subjective opinion. Certainly still works as is.

I think larger than life applies here. I'll go even so far as to say I've actually known this kind of instant attraction/lust to happen, so while I appreciate it won't appeal to everyone I think it's not outside the realms of reality. The 'kiss' is what it's all about after all is said and done and it's also the feel good moment so...

Quoted from Jimi Look forward to Stilts. Love the title. Already a little creeped out.

Well that's nice to hear. Now I've just got to hope the script lives up to its name. I had it done then it went back to the drawing board and now it's looking okay again - with a few tweaks. Depending on the announcement I might hold it back till after the OWC though. Sorry to drag out the suspense. :) Thanks again Jimi.

Libby

I don’t know why but I always thought you were American. The use of “mate” and “arse” suggests British though. Of course you could still be from the US and just choosing to write with this vernacular.

“Chad is conventionally handsome in a ken-doll way,”

- Good description. I must use “ken doll handsome” sometime in the future.

ANN
So, was he a good kisser?
Melissa scrunches her face up.

- Chad possesses “infinitely kissable” lips but can’t put them to use properly. Dang, if he only
knew what he had! ;)

MELISSA
That’s a prefeminist
myth perpetuated by our
grandmothers to stop us tarting
around.

- Great line.

“He tucks the g-string back into his pocket.”

- I love the fact that he has pulled this intimate item of clothing from his pocket in a bar and its never acknowledged. He’s just casually carrying it around with him for such a demonstration.

I was engaged with this all the way through even of the sometimes perfunctory dialogue cast me adrift. I mean, there is nothing new or fresh in the character’s pontifications. We've heard it all before; men from Mars/woman from Venus type attitudes, looking for meaningful relationships past the ephemeral gratification of sex, the ever ticking biological clock, lust v love, looks v personality etc.

However, there was enough naturalism and lightness of touch in there to keep me reading and I did enjoy the intercutting back and forth. How you intertwined the conversation topically, gauging the opposing interpretations and reactions of Chad and Melissa in particular. I often have concurrent scenes going on in my scripts so I responded to that aspect. It was well crafted.

The ending, as they say, can make or break a film and I enjoyed this. I didn’t anticipate Ann and Bob would get together until Chad and Melissa went to their respective bathrooms, so basically the penny dropped for me right when you wanted it to. Some will probably see it before then; I’m usually slow with these things. Hence, it worked for me.

I dug the opposing developments in the final scenes too; Ann and Bob immediately kissing (mistletoe or not) and feeling totally at ease with one another could have oozed saccharine sentimentality but you had set it up earlier and it transpired like that for a reason. It functions on a thematic level rather than it just being a cheap, manipulative happy ending… Meanwhile, Chad and Melissa fuss over the superficialities in front of the mirror when we know that inside, beyond the aesthetics, there is nothing between them, especially for Chad. It’s all false projections and surfaces, doomed to never last. Good job with that.

It might interesting to change the gender roles too given the more liberated, (supposed) equality driven times we live in. Too long has the woman been portrayed as the clinging “you’re my last hope” archetype (especially when they reach a certain age) while the man is more blasé, aimless, less inclined to commit and only out of sex. That could be worth flipping on its head with Chad assuming Melissa traits and vice-versa. Just a suggestion.

Anyway, overall I warmed to this as I read. It’s interesting to see someone have the confidence and bravery to just focus on characters talking in rooms. As traditionally un-cinematic as that sounds, it can be compelling and viscerally enthralling (like a well choreographed actions scene) when those characters have something to say. Like I said, this threads somewhat over familiar old ground but I certainly admire and applaud the effort (without meaning to sound like a condescending prick, sorry).

Col.

I always thought she was an Ozzie.

Quoted from man of many monikers:) I don’t know why but I always thought you were American. The use of “mate” and “arse” suggests British though.

Dustin hit the nail on the head - mind you my writing is sometimes influenced by he who keeps me warm at night. He hails from up your way - not Thailand - the other place, and the one next door, so... Perhaps I'm inadvertently developing some weird cross-cultural thing. However, I will always spell arse the correct way.  ;D

Thanks for the complimentary remarks re the dialogue. It's always nice when things go down smoothly.

Re: the Ken-doll description - I have a male friend who is the epitome of Ken. His hair is so perfectly coiffed he does that little air kiss thing for fear his hair will be messed up... and he's straight as a die too.

Quoted from Col I love the fact that he has pulled this intimate item of clothing from his pocket in a bar and its never acknowledged. He’s just casually carrying it around with him for such a demonstration.

Thanks, glad you liked that. Actually, you're the only one to mention it. I've changed the ending slightly when Chad and Melissa are in the restrooms and I deliberated over him accidentally pulling the g-string from his pocket with his comb - to top n tail that, but I've left it alone at this point. It could be overkill. Of course, trust your keen eye to remember it being there and then not reappear.

Quoted from Col I was engaged with this all the way through even of the sometimes perfunctory dialogue cast me adrift... There was enough naturalism and lightness of touch... and I did enjoy the intercutting back and forth. How you intertwined the conversation topically, gauging the opposing interpretations and reactions of Chad and Melissa in particular. I often have concurrent scenes going on in my scripts so I responded to that aspect. It was well crafted.

Thankyou! The 'he said, she said' thing was indeed the objective. And don't think I'm not crafty enough to notice how you inveigled yourself in the compliment you just paid me.  ;) Just kidding, I have noticed that same trademark in your writing.

Quoted from Col The ending, as they say, can make or break a film and I enjoyed this. I didn’t anticipate Ann and Bob would get together until Chad and Melissa went to their respective bathrooms, so basically the penny dropped for me right when you wanted it to. Some will probably see it before then; I’m usually slow with these things. Hence, it worked for me.

Excellent. I'm with you. I'm often a little, shall we say, surprised too. I think enough people won't see it coming - I hope so anyway.

Quoted from Col I dug the opposing developments in the final scenes too; Ann and Bob immediately kissing (mistletoe or not) and feeling totally at ease with one another could have oozed saccharine sentimentality but you had set it up earlier and it transpired like that for a reason. It functions on a thematic level rather than it just being a cheap, manipulative happy ending…

Good to hear. Yes, in no way did I want the denouement to appear like emotional manipulation but like I've said previously I think there's plenty of realism here too - love at first sight and instant physical intimacy does sometimes happen. Nothing wrong with giving an audience a feel good ending either imh.

Quoted Text Meanwhile, Chad and Melissa fuss over the superficialities... when we know that inside, beyond the aesthetics, there is nothing between them, especially for Chad... It’s all false projections and surfaces, doomed to never last. Good job with that.

Could be perceived that way - it's definitely the way I set up Chad's character - one foot out the door, always thinking something/someone better will come along, though I hope a few pieces of his dialogue point to the fact he's not too black and white.

Quoted from Col It might interesting to change the gender roles too given the more liberated, (supposed) equality driven times we live in. Too long has the woman been portrayed as the clinging “you’re my last hope” archetype (especially when they reach a certain age) while the man is more blasé, aimless, less inclined to commit and only out of sex. That could be worth flipping on its head with Chad assuming Melissa traits and vice-versa. Just a suggestion.

I did give that some thought but much I hate to say it I've too many girlfriends who fit Melissa's mould - this actually was inspired by a conversation I had with a 'disappointed' girlfriend - plus I feared the male character with these traits could come across as whiny and could be unlikable.  I know to a degree I'm presenting stereotypes but I also tried to show contradictions and complexities within these characters too cause none of us is ever that cut n dried - hmm, maybe in our late teens and early twenties we know it all, but beyond that age I don't think so.

Quoted from Col Anyway, overall I warmed to this as I read. It’s interesting to see someone have the confidence and bravery to just focus on characters talking in rooms.

Yay, I'm glad you feel this way. Woody Allen's been doing it for yonks and I'm not suggesting I come anywhere near close but I'm quite a fan of dialogue driven material and this pretty much wrote itself - and that's not something that happens everyday.

Quoted from Col As traditionally un-cinematic as that sounds, it can be compelling and viscerally enthralling (like a well choreographed action scene) when those characters have something to say.

Very well said! If only I could come half way close to achieving that definition.

Quoted from Col Like I said, this threads somewhat over familiar old ground but I certainly admire and applaud the effort (without meaning to sound like a condescending prick, sorry).

Hmm, well... :-/

Nah, just kidding.  ;D I think you tipped the balance in my favour. Col, I'm happy you enjoyed it. Thanks for your always well considered thoughts.  

How's it going Libby?

I see you got almost 2,000 views of this short. wow, I'm blown away. Kudos.

I almost guessed you for a Kiwi by the dialogue, but I'm glad I didn't due to the fact that you're an Aussie. And now knowing this, I read the characters using your disincentive accent the whole world loves so much.  

After all the comments you've already gotten I'm not sure if mine will mean much, but here is what I took from it all.

I liked it, first off. It's a hip look at present day banter in a pub/bar. The dialogue is spot on as well.  

The INTERCUT was not confusing....nice.

You could, if you wanted, just as easy write a prequel or an continuation to these friends night out if you wanted. just a thought since you set it up so well.

The rest of my review are just my interpretations of the conversations.    

page 8

MELISSA
Exactly. Beer, shag, kebab, and not necessarily in that order.

Just confused me at first, but just because of our countries different slang. "kebab"? does that refer to a meal after sex? If so, I get it, it's just in the USA the term I'm more familiar with is "Find 'em, feed 'em, fuck 'em, forget 'em".  Feel free to use it if you want.  :)


page 10

MELISSA
Destiny? Please. That�s a per-feminist myth perpetuated by our grandmothers to stop us tarting around. Gotta put yourself out there kiddo.

Classic!


page 12

BOB
I think some people are just not into the kissing

- delete "the" or make it "the whole aspect of kissing"


page 14

CHAD
This, Bobby-boy, is one of the oldest tricks in the book. If you leave something you gotta come back for it. Gettit?

- The old "George Kostanza" method of getting a second date. Classic. :)

twirling the G-string around is a good touch. Smelling it would also show arrogance.


page 15

Bob�s stung by the comment, but hides it.

"Bob has a knee jerk reaction to the sound of Simonne's name being said, but his emotions betray nothing"  


page 16

CHAD
Dodged a bullet though, I reckon.

Chad is the antagonist of the conversation and since he used the word reckon (sounds like what a cowboy would say); what came to my mind was him using his index finger and thumb to emulate a gun, and then bending his thumb as to pretend to be shooting said bullet at Bob.  

Then Chad says; "The �one� is the biggest manufactured construct ever. Brought to you by Hollywood and sponsored by Hallmark.

I like that, but Chad seems to let his arrogance slip out at times, and I pictured him being more vicious, like; "The "one" is a layer cake myth with all the ingredients of Adam and Eve, Walt Disney's Happily Ever After, and all the pretentiousness of a Hallmark card."


page 20

When Bob and Ann meet and say "Hi".

Hi just seems like an outdated word.  Try out;  Ann "Hey"   Bob "Hey, you"   Sound cheesy? maybe, but it can also sound smooth. haha


page 21

Chad pulls out a comb, hair�s perfect. Pockets the comb. Smooths a stray eyebrow hair instead.

To me, after his little chat with Bob, maybe a little cockiness has been bestowed onto him, and with his hair looking perfect, and feeling like a million bucks, Bob could make the reference to Chad's "Dodging the bullet" line. Using his index finger and thumb in the shape of a gun, he could point it at himself in the mirror, and shoot. Kinda showing that "he ain't dodging this bullet, and he doesn't want to either." :)


All and all, I would definitly recomend Simpatico to all my female friends for sure.

Quoted from LC **I might actually change it to the original idea I had of formatting it so that extra scene comes in post/midway through the credits.

Let me know if you change anything around. I'd like to see where this story goes if you alter it.

Rick, thanks so much for having a look at this.

Kiwi? Oh dear, we're known for our intense rivalry you know? ;D

On to your comments:
Glad you liked the intercut and that it worked for you.

Quoted from RichardD Just confused me at first, but just because of our countries different slang. "kebab"? does that refer to a meal after sex? If so, I get it, it's just in the USA the term I'm more familiar with is "Find 'em, feed 'em, fuck 'em, forget 'em".  Feel free to use it if you want.

Re: 'Beer, shag, kebab' - this references men's baser instinct according to Melissa and the idea that alcohol, sex, and food is the way to a man's heart.

Kebab shops are common in Oz and Britain - so when you've got the munchies after a big night out they're often the first go-to choice. Chad might be more inclined to use a phrase like the one you suggest, but Melissa, (though not the most refined lady,) would be a bit more subtle. 'Shag' is slang for sex, so...

Re: 'the kissing' - this is a deliberate choice on my part, as if it's an entity unto itself, bigger than just 'kissing' and relating to the actual act of intimacy itself.

Quoted from RichardD twirling the G-string around is a good touch. Smelling it would also show arrogance.

Eww, no. I don't think so, no offence. Though I get that some guys would indeed big-note themselves by doing something like this in public, even for Chad I think this would be taking it a bit too far - and for this particular story. I get where you were coming from though.

Bob's stung by the comment, but hides it.

Quoted from Richard "Bob has a knee jerk reaction to the sound of Simonne's name being said, but his emotions betray nothing"

There are parallels in some of the lines of the two couples. This one:
Ann looks momentarily affronted at the mention of ugly sex-face and Leonard in the same sentence, but recovers perfectly.  
Even so I need to keep some of the descriptions more brief for economy and I chose the 'stung' line cause I think it sums it up in less words.

CHAD
Dodged a bullet though, I reckon.

Quoted from RichardD Chad is the antagonist of the conversation and since he used the word reckon (sounds like what a cowboy would say); what came to my mind was him using his index finger and thumb to emulate a gun, and then bending his thumb as to pretend to be shooting said bullet at Bob.

Hmm, Chad is antag? I agree the two guys often relate in a quietly adversarial manner and Bob comes out on top in the end but I'd argue that Chad is the central protag character all the way through, as is Melissa.

Re: 'reckon' it's pretty common usage around these parts and not a lot of cowboys round here either.  ;) Re the 'gun', I do get what you're saying and it's not a bad suggestion. The only thing on reflection might be that the miming of a gun with the finger has been a bit overused. It certainly does fit Chad's character so it's not beyond something he would do. I'll keep it in mind.

The one is the biggest manufactured construct ever. Brought to you by Hollywood and sponsored by Hallmark.

Quoted from Richard I pictured him being more vicious, like; "The "one" is a layer cake myth with all the ingredients of Adam and Eve, Walt Disney's Happily Ever After, and all the pretentiousness of a Hallmark card.

Hmm, gotta say I think I prefer mine in this instance. Bit too much going on there, imh.

Quoted from RichardD When Bob and Ann meet and say "Hi". Hi just seems like an outdated word.  Try out;  Ann "Hey"   Bob "Hey, you"   Sound cheesy? maybe, but it can also sound smooth. haha

Interesting you brought this up.  'Hey' has effectively become the norm which is exactly why I had Bob and Ann revert to good old fashioned 'hi'. They are both more conservative in character and this scene is quietly breathless and romantic so... Yours would most likely work just as well but 'hi' was a specific choice.

Chad pulls out a comb, hair's perfect. Pockets the comb. Smooths a stray eyebrow hair instead.

Quoted from RichardD To me, after his little chat with Bob, maybe a little cockiness has been bestowed onto him, and with his hair looking perfect, and feeling like a million bucks, Bob could make the reference to Chad's "Dodging the bullet" line. Using his index finger and thumb in the shape of a gun, he could point it at himself in the mirror, and shoot. Kinda showing that "he ain't dodging this bullet, and he doesn't want to either."

Chad thinks/says Bob dodged the bullet so I'm not sure exactly what you mean here. It's Chad in the bathroom and he's cocky all the way through. I understand what you're saying in the second part I think, about Chad miming in the mirror. Only thing is the audience is left (hopefully) not knowing which way Chad is going to go when he opens that bathroom door. I see the synchronicity of your suggestion in tailing your other suggestion though.

One of the tweaks I have made in this scene is for the g-string to fall out of Chad's pocket when he pulls his comb out. I think this could be fitting as a top n tail.

Rick, I'm glad you enjoyed this and I'm quite chuffed you chose it as one of your first reads. I will be putting the edited version up soon - I changed a few little things in the denouement (hopefully not to its detriment) and ran the bathroom scene over credits.

Rick, let me now when you've converted Under The Moonlight to Trelby.

One last thing I am wondering if the title of this is a little bit too clever/sophisticated for its own good and for what the story is essentially about - dating/two couples, battles of the sexes, 'he said, she said' etc.

So, I'm open to all suggestions anyone might have for a change of title.

"Hey"  ;)  

Haha see, this is why I like discussion boards. You could have just as easily gotten snotty and mad with my comments but instead you stayed classy and addressed each one. I actually hear where your coming from (the land down under & with your story). After reading your responses I realize why you worded the story the way you did.... because it worked that way so well. my comments were just opinions of a typical American dude and meant no malice to your writing. To be honest, I made it a point to read your script because you were one of the most pleasant and informative people I met on SS so far.

As far as my scripts, I have been re-working my last 3 because I write my screenplays as if I were the director, and that's probably the wrong way to do so.  Plus I'm in the process of converting my own personal life experiences that are similar to that of Jack Kerouac and his novel "On The Road" into screenplay form.  

When they're ready, I'll defiantly post them.

Hi Libby,
    I'm new to the site, and I read your script.  At first, I thought this wasn't for me, but, I gotta say, I was wrong.  It was cute.  A nice little slice of life for singles.  

The dialog felt natural for the most part.  Your intercut scenes are a bit confusing.  It might be helpful if you state that the guys are X amount of tables away, unbeknownst to the women.  

I do think it might be fun to see someone pass out or some other random event to keep the reader off balance.  Over drinking is a problem.

I loved the Ann and Bob hook up and wish you had drawn that out more.  That's the meat and potatoes of the script.

Now, here is what I wish you'd do.  Let Ann and Bob finish each others' sentences as they talk to their friends.  Let the audience see that they are a perfect match and we yearn to know if they will pass gently in the night or meet up.  I think you have a very compelling story, but, a bit more dialog about what Ann and Bob look for in a mate and less on the other 2.  Honestly, the other 2 aren't nearly as interesting as the 2 unsuspecting future lovers.  IMO, that's the payoff.

I think it's okay to specify that the post scene happens post scene.  To be honest, I almost wish they don't hook up at the end.  He's a jerk and she's really judgmental.  Or have one or the other say "what the hell was i thinking earlier about this?" as a voice over or something.

Really cute story.  I have seen your comments on others stories and you're pretty tough.  But, that's good in my book.  The people reading scripts won't be nice.  

Best of luck to you.  Do you enjoy fantasy?

RichardD thanks for your comments. I notice you didn't stick around very long which is kinda sad and a little puzzling. Hopefully that means you reinvented yourself with another username?

And DanC. thanks you so much for giving this a read and offering your feedback. I'm not sure about one of them passing out, although I do like watching physical comedy, and Melissa did do exactly that the night of... Whether she and Chad hook up at the end? I rather like leaving it open ended. And, the Post Credits scene is in the latest revamp. Thanks again. :)

Here's an updated version - some minor changes following feedback.

I'd be grateful if Don or one of the Mods could update the original script link, when you get time. Thanks.

http://ellcee.yolasite.com/resources/Simpatico.pdf

Quoted from LC I'd be grateful if Don or one of the Mods could update the original script link, when you get time. Thanks.

Done.  :)

I read this one yesterday. I didn't know you were going to do a rewrite. I thought it was great with great snappy dialogue. Any suggestions from me would've been to trim it just slight. Also to make it a tad more visual. A little more cinematic. It's a good script and wouldn't be expensive, so it will probably get produced. Congratulations on the comp.  8)

Quoted from Grandma Bear Done.  :) I read this one yesterday. I didn't know you were going to do a rewrite. I thought it was great with great snappy dialogue. Any suggestions from me would've been to trim it just slight. Also to make it a tad more visual. A little more cinematic. It's a good script and wouldn't be expensive, so it will probably get produced. Congratulations on the comp.  8)

Thanks, Pia!

I really wouldn't call it a rewrite.

SteveC. mentioned a couple of things along the same lines as you mention with regard to it needing a few more cinematic touches, and it resonated with me.  So, I added a couple of visual tweaks, specifically in regard to Bob and Ann, (and another visual with Chad and the gstring at the end, to top n tail.) Bob tracks Ann in the crowd in this version, then loses her... I think it's a nice touch. As for the rest I'd be surprised if those who've read it pick up on the changes. They're subtle.

Thanks also for your comments - especially the 'snappy dialogue' one, that means a lot - and for updating the link so fast. I'm really glad you enjoyed the read considering you usually get more pleasure (for want of a better word) from delving into the darker stuff.   ;)

Libby,

Thought I'd stop by and return the read.. Honestly, I'm not sure if there's much I can really add to the plethora of feedback within this thread, however...

I won't lie, I read this before -- your first version that is...I'm sneaky like that. I don't recall the subtle nuances of the original version, but I (read) your comments indicating you scripted some more visuals for the viewing audience, and that's probably a smart thing to do because the end product has to be just as appetizing visually.

Regarding the dialog, whatever you did... or 'are' doing, works. I fell right into this, again actually. The second read was even more entertaining regarding your  'laissez-faire'  approach towards this crazy symbiotic dance called mating, and I commend you for that. The only way I can envision myself trying to write like this and not failing, is to charge my laptop, climb up into the canopy of a jello tree, and begin  from there... I much prefer your version.

In my neck of the woods, a 'Beer Garden' is usually some temporary set up within a street festival or convention; where you can sample 500 beers or so from around the world. The set up usually lacks any particular value of 'atmosphere' cause people are always half in the bag and can't remember where they are, let alone what it looks like. However, the name of the festival etc., is usually designed to entice people to come out and party... Meet me at Oktoberfest!!  And of course the poster ad shows this buxom German woman hoisting a keg over her head...it's  Vunderbar !

The scene you set up sounds much more enticing, especially if it's during a festive season with lights and boughs, etc.

We have a large Francophone community here as well, and I'll frequently run into a gaggle of them. I don't understand much, but there are a few phrases that one can't help adopt, in particular 'L'esprit de l'escalier' or stairwell wit. The unfortunate malady of coming up with a good comeback only when it's too late. However, can be turned around to say 'Avoir l'esprit' , having a constant wit or, in the vein of this script, an open mind or group spirit -- French is messy like that.

I think you, as a writer, have this innate ability to encapsulate this persona into your scripts. You unconsciously tell the reader, or viewer,  to keep an open mind as you invite them into your story. I'm not saying Beer Garden is not the most appropriate name for the scene, just saying 'Avoir l'esprit' is a constant theme that carries this piece into 'Wickedly Playful' and 'Exceptionally Fun'.

Nice work Libby, I can see why the 'LA Comedy Festival' rang this in!

Sup Libby bruh,

This really is a fantastic piece, if any of y'all want to know how to write realistic banter... check this shit out. I thought it was incredibly well done, realistic, and convincing.

You created a contrast between Melissa and Ann straight off the bat with your descriptions, and of course we've got the same thing with Chad and Bob, the insensitive "jack the lad" prick VS a somewhat, pleasant mannered Bob.

They way Bob and Ann came together at the end was well done, Ann didn't need to tart herself up to get the attention of Bob, there was just that attraction there without anything superficial so to speak.

This works on a comedy level, because of the banter, but more importantly it works on a human level for me.

21 pages flew by, just like that because the dialogue was free-flowing and smooth, it was natural.

This was a much better outing than Scooter, and I mean... 10x better, perhaps I enjoyed it more because of the adult theme.

Very impressed Libby.

EDIT: Also, I loved the use of INTERCUT and DUAL DIALOGUE, handled very well from a technical perspective.

Good shit, good shit.

Wow, what a splendiferous review, Rick. I read through it three times just for it's poetry and entertainment value alone... and not because it's flattering to Simpatico but because of your unique point of view from another part of the world that is obviously quite different to my own. Ah, don't you just love the Internet for that alone.

Thanks for the compliments regarding the dialogue - it did kinda take on a life of its own really, and I think you might be doing yourself an injustice in saying its beyond you if this is anything to go by. Great visual of yourself you set up there btw.  ;D

I'm familiar with Oktoberfest - only by reputation, and friends who have been. Yep, in Australia we spend most of the time outdoors - beer gardens are pretty much a staple fixture - typically an annex to the main hotel - some more elaborate than others. We have one not too far away that is huge and with an enormous Oak tree right bang in the middle of the yard - long leisurely lunches of snags, steaks and jugs of beer by day, and a real pick-up joint at night - it was the inspiration. And you're right, during the festive season they go all out and dress it up to look the part.

Thanks for the read and review Rick, all the Francophone references were truly lovely. Do you remember a writer on here by the name of Michel? Might be before your time... Sometimes sentences of his would get a lil' lost in translation, but he also came up with some real gems just by virtue of not being a native English writer - 'the giggling river' still stays with me. Someone told him to correct it, I think, but it was perfect for the piece. Your words had the same effect, so thanks again.

I've had some really generous and terrific feedback on this and people do seem to enjoy it which is pleasing.

Now, all I need is the ultimate compliment - for someone to actually pick it up...

Sup Fen bruh! ;D

You know I'm going to keep calling you that unless you tell me it's gotta be Max.

Quoted from Fen This works on a comedy level, because of the banter, but more importantly it works on a human level for me.

That was the idea. Glad it got you on this deeper level - and you read between the lines. It's all about love really, despite the superficial appearance, and I think overall people get the more in-depth layers to it.

Quoted from Fen Very impressed Libby... Good shit, good shit.

Another one with a way with the words! I genuinely mean that, Fen - if I didn't know any better I'd say 'Chad' rubbed off on you. No misinterpreting you gave me the highest of compliments. Good lesson in unique character voices too.  :)

Quoted from Fen Also, I loved the use of INTERCUT and DUAL DIALOGUE, handled very well from a technical perspective.

Thank you. I think it keeps the pace going, and I think a deft editor could make it work well.

Thanks again, mate. I appreciate it. Going to give your Airline short another read in the next day or so, see what you did with the new draft.  

Awesome! I'm happy you enjoyed the feedback, truly. It's a good thing too cause I'm (now) officially out of French phrases, lol.  

Umm, I might have been around here the same time as a writer by the name 'Michel'. I don't, however, recall seeing a script called the 'Giggling River'. I will agree though, a title like that could definitely stick with you, lol.

Quoted from LC Now, all I need is the ultimate compliment - for someone to actually pick it up...

I'll second that motion! I think this story is ripe with sweet ideas and playful nostalgia... like a daydream.

Best of luck to you, Libby. Till then...

FYI, Rick: The 'giggling river' from the French writer was actually in description of that script, not the title, but it still did the trick. Think he was going for something like 'bubbling brook'.  ;D No need reply to this. Thanks again.

I think you're both wrong. I think it was a giggling brook.

R

Shamelessly bumping Simpatico.

It is available for production once again.  :)

Sorry to hear that. It's a good script so hopefully somebody else picks it up.

Good luck.

Know that feeling Libby, hope it gets optioned by someone else!

Ugh - really?!?  Hmmmm... me thinks it's time to re label Simpatico on STS, and re-run relatively soon!  :)

Sorry to hear it fell out of production - rooting for you that you find a new home for it.

It's not a shameless bump...just sensible.

Why let this fade away?

Aww, I didn't expect that. You SS guys/gal warm the cockles of me' heart.

Thanks for the cheer-leading. Much appreciated.

The LA guys (relatively new Producers) didn't reach their target funding. And, I only gave a three month option, so...

Here's hoping someone else jumps on board.

The three month idea sounds clever. Either they get their act together and do it or they lose out and you get your story back. I like that.

This was a good script. Not quite as good as mine obviously. Nevertheless, it'd be interesting to see a decent production of it.

R

3 months is normal for short films. I usually grant a little more time, but chances are if they haven't got it together in three months then they never will.

Hope someone else picks this one up, Libby. I enjoyed it when I read it and it'd work nicely on screen.

Surely it's a no brainer..

Quoted from DustinBowcot 3 months is normal for short films. I usually grant a little more time, but chances are if they haven't got it together in three months then they never will.

I had a short of mine filmed about a year and a half after I gave the director my permission. And she seems to have done a good job. So you never know. But in Libby's case, I don't understand how they couldn't find the money for what would normally be a low-budget film.

Anyway, best of luck, Libby!  :)

It's not necessarily the money, but crew etc. Often the crew are involved for free with short films... when things go wrong, then it can be hard to come back from it.

Thanks, Glenn, Manolis and Ren, and Dustin for your additional thoughts. :)

Btw, I'm not a hard arse when it comes to the three month option. If the production team have actually started putting things into place etc. and need an extension I'm more than happy to do that. After all, we all want to see our material come to life.

I have a feeling something went awry with crowdfunding on this one, in fact I had no idea they were attempting that. Overall I think people are a bit over this type of fund raising. Don't even get me started on the rich and famous guys seeking public funding - that to me is just rude. Apart from that you've either really got to have a worthy cause and/or have some proper rewards/perks in place - (which the well off guys often have) or it's like I said... Not another one.  ::)

I did email the producers too to see how it was all progressing, but as is often the case (when something doesn't go according to plan), I didn't get a reply email. That was my cue to move on.  

Again, thanks guys for all your support. It means a lot.  :D

A bump for you, Libby.

Any luck with picking up a new producer? Are you still open to some heavy discussion of 'Simpatico,' or is it locked and loaded?  I'll read in a few days and comment, but just thought I'd bring it to the surface for a breath of air.

Abe

Thanks Abe. Mighty nice of you to give it a bit more air.  :)

No luck, as yet, with a Producer, but I'm hopeful.

Of course, feel free to comment. Discussion? You bet, just know I don't plan on making changes to the current draft. I'm pretty happy with it and it made Top 3 at the LA Comedy Festival (which thrilled me) so...

But yes, I'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts.

With three jobs and no days off, writing even this short script review is a bit of a mountain climb. So, onward and upward.

SIMPATICO by Libby Chambers

As I was reading this — running through my pea brain was that Simpatico is too long, too talky, and how dramadies/romcoms are my mortal enemies. But (after finishing your script) if I ripped you for my initial thoughts, I’d be committing a sin. As it turns out, this script of yours is pretty darned good. All of my groans and gripes (to come) are on the creative side, so that’s good news. We all share different visions, and so I can respect yours.

On the technical side, Simpatico hits its marks square between the eyes. Based on your logline and the read, it played out true to form. Your dialogue was succinct, consistent, and established both forward movement, and the state of mind of your characters. Good on you.

For a conversation-driven piece, I was surprised at how it breezed along.  You do a nice job of getting us into the story quickly, and bookending ‘love’ from the perspectives of Chad and Melissa (opening pages) to Bob’s meet-up with Ann (last scene). Chad/Mel deal with exploits, game playing, controlling the moves, and a lot of posturing, while I think Bob/Ann measure love through experiences, by being vulnerable, and risk-taking.
Romance is in the eye of the beholder.

The ebb and flow of conversations was easy to follow and weaves a thread the lives of our 4 characters, which of course was your goal; while also giving the relationships momentum toward their conclusions. Rather impressive.

I’ll tell you up front, I didn’t like Ken and Barbie (Chad and Melissa). They are soap opera personalities. Stereotypes. Their incessant “I’m cool” babble kept me from madly loving your story. I’m certain that was your intension. I saw Chad and Melissa as the same character from different genders. I will admit that their recounting of the ‘one nighter’ was amusing, and you do the whole male/female viewpoints of the romp quite nicely. It felt real. But still, by story’s end, I had my fill of those two.

As much as I disliked C & M, I liked Bob a great deal, and almost liked Ann.  Of the four characters, I think Bob is the most pivotal, and Ann the weakest. Bob is flawed in just the right ways. Upon meeting him, my initial thoughts were, “this bloke is married!” From head to toe, he has the appearance of a guy aging naturally, who appears settled, and ‘not’ trying to be anything more than he is. Of course, he isn’t/wasn’t married, but he fit that profile.
I also like Bob because he is intellectually superior to Chad. It shows. There was that occasional spark of conflict in Bob and Chad’s conversation that kept me hooked.

I say Ann is the ‘weakest’ of the four because she came off as a bit flat. She isn’t, or doesn’t seem to be brainier than Melissa, and for the most part, just seemed simple — in conversation, and thought. Less mature. Is that how you wanted to paint her? I preferred a bit more from the gal.  She doesn’t have to be smarter than Barbie. Ann does have an endearing quality, and that is she yearns for a sort of snap-love moment — a love at first sight. That I liked.
Perhaps you can infuse her character with a bit more passion. Maybe Ann is the romantic, a dreamer, the one holding out for her white knight. If it was there in your story, sorry that I missed it.

To me, this is as much a story about relationships between friends as it is about their romantic longings. Chad and Bob a have good conversation, because I sense a certain give and take. With Mel and Ann, it seems Melissa dominates the conversation — she tends to be condescending to her friend. Ann comes off to me as somebody younger, less worldly, a little shy, and perhaps sheltered in her upbringing. This bothered me because I felt Ann didn’t offer much to the conversation. Examples: the first words out of her mouth (page one), “what, his penis?” accompanied by a giggle. Right there I envisioned Chrissy (Suzanne Somers) from “Three’s Company” TV series. Yup, airhead Chrissy. It was an ‘oh shit’ moment for me. My respect for Ann teetered.
Even Melissa reacted with an eye-rolling, oh please response.
Unlike Bob, I couldn’t get a strong character read on Ann.

Chad and Melissa, I wouldn’t touch. In terms of characterization, I see that they perfectly serve your purpose. And the logline pretty much puts them in the spotlight. That’s your choice.

But I wonder if you are stonewalling the story a bit by downplaying your B characters? Bob and Ann are clearly the more interesting people.  Would you dare use them in a more influential way?

And with that, I segue to what “I wanted to see.”
In a nutshell:  1)  I wanted to see a little more point/counterpoint in the conversations;  2)  I thought Bob should be local, but Ann could be an out-of-towner; 3)  the ending absolutely made the story work for me. But it seemed inevitable. So, could you raise the stakes? Throw a couple of hurdles between Bob and Ann? 4) I would suggest that Bob track Ann earlier, losing her and being disappointed; 5) Christmas works fine for the time of year, but you might also consider New Year’s eve.

I’ll expand on the 5 or so suggestions tomorrow.

I referred to it as point/counterpoint, but it’s really an exchange of ideas and power — and power.
On Page 3, Chad says, “And a majestic arse.” Bob responds with, “Call me old-fashioned but it’s the face for me. Every single time.” That’s an interesting point Bob makes. One of my favorite lines. It begs for some exploration. Can you expand on Bob’s point? Bob is looking for a relationship, not a one-night stand.

What if Chad questions the effectiveness of a relationship based on an attraction to ‘the face.’ Chad could challenge Bob to put it to the test. There’s an opportunity at the bottom of page 13-top of page 14, when a “nubile, young waitress” clears a table. Chad blurts out some crude comment about the girl’s arse, and she cracks a smile in response.
Bob could say something about the waitress’s face, perhaps her eyes or lips, and see what kind of response he gets.

Your script, Libby, has little moments like this; room for your B characters to voice their opinions, which would bring out their personality.

On page 3, Chad asks, “would you say women are still into romance?”  A rhetorical question, but I wanted Bob to do something visual, a romantic gesture, even if Chad shoots him down. There’s a chance right there to create a memorable scene.

I do like the way Chad continually offends Bob with insensitive remarks about Simmone, and how there are a lot of opportunities to meet ‘the one.’

There’s a good op to bring Ann out more. At the bottom of page 8, Melissa mentions Leonard, who is a guy that Ann was seeing. Melissa says, “Aw, shame. You two looked so good together.”
Ann counters with, “What does that even mean? We looked good together?”  That was a great comeback line. Expand on it. Melissa can tell Ann/us what Leonard looks like — surfer type, athlete, a guy in uniform, outdoorsman, etc. Set up what kind of guy Ann has been seeing. Suggest what type Ann prefers. Make him so different from Bob.

Page 9 — didn’t care for Ann’s turnoff description of Leonard. “Guy chewed with his mouth open.” Yeah, but that’s a general negative habit that would turn many people off. Could it be more personal, such as Leonard’s narcissistic trait?
And if Ann is going to bag Leonard on his open-mouthed chewing habit, can she at least end the topic by mentioning what she did like about the guy. Ann is sweet, and I think you would do her justice if she mentions something nice about Leonard — nice hands, he loves cats, volunteers at the senior center, writes poetry, so on. What did she find attractive about the guy?
Like I said, Ann is a sweetheart. That’s my gut feeling.

So, in review:  Allow Bob to show his romantic side. I like that he is attracted to “the face.” That makes Bob a cool guy. It’s not just about tits and ass, for him.
If Bob offers bits of wisdom, it leaves bread crumbs. Maybe we’ll even think that Chad might learn something, and that gives us hope for him moving forward.
As for Ann, although she seems simple, gullible (agrees with Melissa too often) and easily swayed, perhaps she isn’t. I saw how Melissa “undoes the top two buttons on Ann’s blouse.” And moments later, Ann buttons up again.  Good job.  Despite what Melissa says, Ann’s “best assets” are hidden.

Friends of friends are bound to meet. And that’s why I knew Bob and Ann’s meeting was inevitable.  So, how about some hurdles?

My first thought is that Bob is local and Ann is not. Bob seems to know a lot about Chad and his relationship with Melissa. I’m thinking he’s a businessman of sorts. When we meet him maybe he has joined Chad for a drink after work, but might be heading out to see his parents for Christmas.

Ann seems like a visitor. In fact, she’s my quintessential small town, Iowa prom queen: down home, fresh off the farm, girl-next-door type. And what if, she’s on her way back to the states, but the flights are snowed in? So she’s killing time in the pub, before heading to the airport. You would also be creating a second chance for Bob. One true love’s visa expired and left him. He won’t let this love get away.

The beauty of ‘love at first sight’ is that the odds of meeting should be astronomical. Think of reasons why Bob and Ann shouldn’t meet. It should feel like a chance encounter, with all the stars perfectly aligned.

Absolutely loved the scene of Bob tracking Ann in the pub. But thought it should come a bit sooner. Maybe we see Ann leave the pub for a taxi. Let us/Bob think that he missed his chance.

And then… there she is. Ann returns to retrieve something forgotten. Instead of B and A meeting together at the bar, what if they are at opposite ends of the bar. That is symbolic of the distance they have traveled in space and time to be together when their gazes meet.
So all of these people in between them keep obscuring their vision of each other.

I only mentioned New Year’s Eve because it has a countdown. It seems that a 10, 9, 8 countdown as they come together will automatically lead to a kiss as the New Year rings in. Followed by fireworks.  No spoken words needed.

Those are my thoughts on Simpatico. But you have a very solid story even if you keep it as is. Afterall, it’s already a top three placer in one contest, so you’re doing something right.

Last thoughts: Bob and Ann don’t have to be a perfect physical match to be a perfect fit.  And that’s why your ending is so fitting, and satisfying. Cheers!

Abe, just wanted to drop in and acknowledge and thank you for your very detailed feedback.

I'm flat out at the moment but I will respond to a lot of your points v.soon. :)

Abe, finally getting back to you. Sorry, for the delay. It means a lot to me that you took the time to read and give your point of view on everything from logline to characters, to story, and even theme, of Simpatico... And, in the process you gave it a nice little bump yet again.

I think it was Dave (eldave) who mentioned earlier on in the thread that he'd like to see me develop this into a feature... And, I might look at it again in the future when I'm done with something I'm working on at the moment.

Suffice to say Abe, wow, your very thorough dissection of Simpatico will come in handy when and if I do decide to revisit these characters.

Rest assured, your comments have not gone unnoticed, in fact the opposite, and I'm really grateful for the time and effort you put into it.  :)

P.S.
Good news is the previous production may not be dead in the water as I first thought. It appears it may be a case, (as often can happen), of the lowly writer being the last to know as I've discovered some still photography online. Maybe, hopefully, I'll be able to confirm this in the near future, fingers crossed.

In the meantime however, Simpatico is still available for production.

Quoted from LC Abe, finally getting back to you. Sorry, for the delay. It means a lot to me that you took the time to read and give your point of view on everything from logline to characters, to story, and even theme, of Simpatico... And, in the process you gave it a nice little bump yet again. I think it was Dave (eldave) who mentioned earlier on in the thread that he'd like to see me develop this into a feature... And, I might look at it again in the future when I'm done with something I'm working on at the moment. Suffice to say Abe, wow, your very thorough dissection of Simpatico will come in handy when and if I do decide to revisit these characters. Rest assured, your comments have not gone unnoticed, in fact the opposite, and I'm really grateful for the time and effort you put into it.  :) P.S. Good news is the previous production may not be dead in the water as I first thought. It appears it may be a case, (as often can happen), of the lowly writer being the last to know as I've discovered some still photography online. Maybe, hopefully, I'll be able to confirm this in the near future, fingers crossed. In the meantime however, Simpatico is still available for production.

Libby,
     I can't believe this hasn't been made yet.  I mean, this could easily win an award b/c the writing is so strong.  All the filmmaker has to be is competent and the actors have to be good and bam!  award.  

Fingers crossed for you.  

Dan

I'd say LC knows what she's doing. She liked some of my scripts, so she must do. I'm going now, before I completely ruin it.

R

Quoted from rendevous I'd say LC knows what she's doing. She liked some of my scripts, so she must do. I'm going now, before I completely ruin it. R

Can't really ruin that.  Hey, where's she been?  Hope she's good...

Maybe she sold this awesome movie!!  It'd be great for her.

Dan

Quoted from DanC Can't really ruin that.  Hey, where's she been?  Hope she's good... Dan

She probably is good.

Where's she been? What type of question is that? How would I know? Haven't spoken to her in ages. For all I know she thinks I'm a prat. Which would not surprise me in the slightest. Many do. I dunno. I know nothing.

I'm off now, before I make any more silly moves. Knocked me tea over before. A cup I mean. It bounced, the cup that is. Oh, just remembered I said I was goi

R

Just read this and really enjoyed it.

A big part of me wishes this was like a pilot and there was more progression BUT I think it's solid and funny as is. Great job! The dialogue was top notch! Really enjoyed the kiss and the ending.

Definitely going to have to check out more of your stuff!

Thanks Cooper! I really appreciate you giving this a read and I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)

Simpatico has been Optioned. A Portuguese version which I'm really looking forward to seeing. I won't be able to follow the lingo but I know the story well, so...

Thanks SS! :D

Atta go Libby - can't wait to see this. Congrats

I think you should ask for English subtitles (or at least a translated transcript). Congrats! :)

Congrats on getting this optioned.

Thanks Dave, Gabe, and Manolis. :)

I won't hold my breath but I'm pretty confident this version might see the light of day.

Belated congrats.

Best of luck with it.

Thanks vmuch, Warren.

I was just reading that other thread about what we ask in compensation for our work... It got me thinking I'd just be happy (at this stage) to see something made.

Three options out at the mo', including this one, yet email updates re production on any of them are thin on the ground. Time for polite enquiries methinks.  :D

Very much a hobby for me so more than happy to just see the words come to life.

I actually did all my follow up emails a few days ago for current options. Heard back from one, I think the rest are dead in the water.

Yes - amazing how energetic they  are pre-option and how dead they are after

I think it could almost be its own thread. Can't believe how bad it is, how about a bit of common decency. If you are no longer going to use it just say so and everyone can move on, no big deal. But the constant back and forth and "it's still happening, but...", drives me insane. Rant over, I will stop hijacking your thread now haha.

I hope it works out this time.

Quoted from Warren I think it could almost be its own thread. Can't believe how bad it is, how about a bit of common decency. If you are no longer going to use it just say so and everyone can move on, no big deal. But the constant back and forth and "it's still happening, but...", drives me insane. Rant over, I will stop hijacking your thread now haha. I hope it works out this time.

Concur!

The writer is unfortunately all too often bottom of the totem pole.

To be fair, these latest guys have been polite, just not forthcoming with progress. Will email today, so thanks for the nudge, Warren.

I only give three month agreements now and the time draws near, so it'll be interesting to see where they're up to.