The Pitch by Chris Westfield - Short, Romance - With the help of a potential customer, a telemarketer asks out his coworker. 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

You don't put the logline right underneath the title, it doesn't go anywhere on the script,  we can see it here just fine on this page.

PAGE 1> headset is one word...that's about all I see wrong with spelling.

The story itself is good in a way, had a good laugh picturing Jon holding Amy's hand trying to look all serious with a headset on., but you need to place THE END on it to tell us that that's the intended ending.

Chris

Good comments can never get you a date, but they might improve you work.

This one was a fun read.  It has potential.  You simply need to ramp up,the dialogue and the length of the customer's pitch.  

You also need to set up the customer better.  Why is Jon talking about Amy to this guy?  It can happen but it needs a reason behind it. And the customer can't spout some cliched stuff.  In other words, put more effort intO this one and make it shine.

Best
Richard

Entertaining premise, definitely has some promise.  Dialogue and story get a little choppy at the end, but overall a fun concept and short

Hey Chris,

Entertaining scene, very natural. I think of it as a scene rather than a short story as it doesn't really go anywhere but it perked my interest.

Jon doesn't go through any transformation or change for better or worse so there's no journey for us to go on a ride with. There's a lot of potential in the conversation with the customer to have a truly great scene grabbing moment. If you give this guy a name and really make him stand out with his dialogue, and if he coaches Jon into giving out this epic, touching, powerful speech to Amy; then if he wins her over we cheer for Jon and if she still says no then we laugh.

-Mark  

Hey Chris,

Lose the CONT'D after characters dialog. If you use Celtx there is an option. Spell out numbers in dialog. V.O. is used as a narrator or god voice in the script. Your customers on the phone should be O.S.

First dialog box should have a period after Ma'am then start a new sentence.

I like the way the customer becomes his relationship advisor. Clever. Poor guy, doesn't get laid and loses the sale.

At the end:

FADE OUT

THE END

(Even if it adds another page to your story ;))

Help please.  How do I see the attachment/link Script!?

New here and trying to view scripts for review:-)

In the original post at the top, the name of the script in bold is actually a link to the script. Just click on it.  ;D

Great concept, Chris. I like how you pace yourself with your descriptions. Very well timed. I liked the script as a whole. Might need a few more tweaks to nail it down, but the story nonetheless jumped out at me as a reader very well. Great short script, Chris. Keep it up.