Bottled by Jean-Pierre Chapoteau - Short, Drama - An alcholic copes with the lost of her child by doing what she does best. Drink. - pdf, format 8)

I can't cut n paste from your work which makes things more difficult. Dropbox is good.

Your first scene where the protag is searching for money to pay for liquor from the liquor store owner. The owner lets her off a few pennies, because he's a good guy, right? Wrong. He's an asshole. He's selling alcohol to an alcoholic. That's on the same level as a dealer selling crack to a crackhead. That's not a good guy. Maybe you meant that though? He letting her off is down to the fact that he's made so much money off her and wants to keep her for a customer? You have to give your customers extra from time to time so they come back to you. They remember little 'favours' like that.

In the second scene where she says 'shit' upon noticing the eviction notice. I think that line of dialogue should be dropped. She ripping it down, screwing it up and tossing it on the floor would say so much more.


So what was the whole point of introducing Jason? There's no comeuppance. Everything just came to nothing. I don't see a conclusion for any of the characters, nor any type of arc. Look into character arcs.

It's written fairly well... aside from a typo here and there. One in your logline too. Should be 'loss'.

Thanks Dustin,

Ah, I forgot to fix the typo from the logline. Dang it!

I imagine her saying "shit" under hear breath, almost in a whisper. Maybe I should have put that in parenthesis?

Jason was there to remind her that she need to get her life together. She wouldn't be dealing with people like him if it was.

Thanks for the review.

Jean-Pierre,

Just read this over - it reads as a fairly solid little dramatic short, to me. There are a few typos here and there, although Dustin noted those: plus in your final phone call between Kacey and Emma I noticed you wrote "I still can hear", as opposed to "I can still hear" - I'm just curious as to whether that was a mistake, or if you intentionally wrote it that way? I've noticed that strange sort of sentence structure in a lot of scripts over time, and it's always confused me a little.

Couple of things that raised little flags when I was reading through - Stephan. The conversation between Kacey and him seems very heavy on exposition "I heard you lost your job at the mill" "A brother lost his arm" etc. Nothing particularly wrong with that, but it does stick out as a little stilted, I'd maybe try and refine that conversation a little.

The other thing that confused me, slightly, is when Jason refers to her as 'Crazy Kacey' later on. Does this mean he's affiliated with Stephan, as in that the guy is keeping tabs on her? Or is she just such a notorious drunk around the area that everybody knows her by this street name?

All in all, it functioned pretty well in my opinion. I actually didn't see the little revelation coming, with Vickie. That was a nice dramatic spin. In what way does the ending play out for you? Is it a redemptive moment? Whereby hearing Vickie call her 'mommy' Kacey smiles with a sort of determination to get herself back on track? Or was it simply a relieving reaction?

The reason I ask is, if it was the former; then I'd disagree with Dustin in saying that Kacey has no arc. I'd also add, just for the sake of discussion/conversation - if you didn't mean for the ending to be redemptive in any way: I think your central protagonist having no discernible arc is actually true to thematics of the story. This is a woman who is at the end of the road, she has nowhere to go and nobody to turn to, she literally has no room for an arc, she's at a dead-end. To end it on a sort of dismal note like that, would be equally pertinent, in my opinion!

Cheers,

Phil

Jean-Pierre,

Most comments read as if they were written in an alcoholic haze.  If any of this sounds sober, use it.

We have a familiar story line.  Drunk woman loses husband and daughter and keeps on her perpetual bender.  It's a bit repetitive.  She gets booze from a friendly owner, drinks and gets maudlin, has a run in with her neighbor, gets more booze, loses that booze too, borrows from a loan shark, drinks more.  In the meantime, she calls her sister who doesn't talk to drunks.  Kacey is not a real likable character.  We might pity her, but we hardly like her.  And maybe that's the point.  

I did like the ending.  That the little girl is Kacey's daughter works well for me.  I might like it better if Frank looked like the husband in the photo.  Then, big Sis gets hub and daughter.  Wicked.

Since Kacey is not trying to help herself, I don't find this particularly emotional.  She is just a drunk which everyone tells her.  She doesn't try to be anything else.  The world won't wait for her either.  No one is on her side which is a shame.

Dialogue is pretty clean.  You might salt in some terms for drunk that Jason and Stephen might use.  Give them a bit more colorful language.  But overall, a good bit of work.

Best
Richard

Hey, JeanPierre,

Nice to see another one from you.

I spotted two mistakes - you didn't cap Stephen once. And you said "I can't won't be living here" - Kacey and the bad guy scene, when she wants to start the fire.

I felt for her and liked the ending but I don't think it's very clean what's going on in the end. I would be confused if I watched it - would have trouble understanding whose Vicky is, Emma's or Kacey's. As of now I guess she's Emma's. But she is role playing, right?

It needs a bit more clarity. And maybe you could establish somewhere there that she's Emmas. Or maybe I missed something. Did I? I read attentively, I don't know...

Thanks for the review guys

@ Phil - I never noticed the "i still can hear" - "I can still hear" - Very strange. Blame it on public school education? lol. I dunno... Now I'm going to be questioning everything that I write.

"The conversation between Kacey and him seems very heavy on exposition" - Really? Alright, I'll have to take a look at that. I thought the dialogue is where I shined.  

"Crazy Kacey" is well known around the streets.

Is she just such a notorious drunk around the area that everybody knows her by this street name?" - Yeah, everyone knows Crazy Kacey.

And the ending is whatever the reader/viewer wants it to be. If you think it amounts to nothing then I'm sorry you didn't get anything from my story. If you have hope for Kacey, and think this is the moment she decides to change her life, then hooray. If you think she just needed a temporary lift and will go back to her self destructive nature, then that's great too. I wrote it to be received that way.  

@ Richard

Kacey not really a person to love. Maybe I should have put one redeeming quality in her character, because you're right. You may pity her, but she's not necessarily likeable. I'll think about that.

And Stephan calling her something other than a drunk is good. I'll use that too. Thanks.

@ Khamanna

"I'm won't be living here anymore" - How did I not see that... thanks.

Kacey's daughter was taken away from her. Her sister looks after her now. Vickie is Kacey's biological daughter.

Thanks for the review, Khamanna.