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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board / Short Scripts / Princess of Irulan
Posted by: Don, January 29th, 2015, 6:18pm
Princess of Irulan by Richard Russell - Short, Sci Fi - A scruffy, little man convinces a young woman she's a princess from a distant planet. 12 pages - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: Athenian, January 31st, 2015, 10:17am; Reply: 1
Hey Richard,
I enjoyed this, but I think it would work better as a comedy. It does read like a comedy for the most part: character-wise, plot-wise, tone-wise. But suddenly everything turns serious and violent. I would suggest that you think of a different, more amusing ending. Even if that wasn't your intention, it would be an easy fix and you'd have a nice sci-fi comedy in a flash.
You did a good job in portraying Carol as a suspicious, but naive at heart, young woman. Also, Scorpio's story was well-thought and rather convincing. Good writing too.
Manolis
Posted by: RichardR, January 31st, 2015, 11:46am; Reply: 2
Manolis,
Thanks for the feedback. I'll look into an alternate ending. Comedy is not my strongest suite, but I'll try.
Best
Richard
Posted by: DustinBowcot (Guest), February 1st, 2015, 4:50am; Reply: 3
Code comely but not particularly hot |
|
Comely, says it all. You can drop 'but not particularly hot' as it says pretty much the same thing.
Code The typical, drab cube of a menial worker. Setting down her
purse is CAROL, 28, comely but not particularly hot. This
job is as boring as you imagine. |
|
Drop the last sentence. You've already summed her up as a menial worker.
Code Even as she slides into her chair, she spots an envelope
propped against her phone. |
|
Even? It doesn't go here. You could drop it without hurting the sentence... in fact, it would improve it drastically.
I read through the rest without pause, not sure if that's because I'm tired and not concentrating properly... but I found the story to be pretty good. The double twist works far better than just the one. The first one was predictable and maybe even a tad groan-worthy, but the second switch up rectifies it nicely. Kinda like a trick.
Nice work.
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