Glitch by Anthony Cawood - Short, Sci Fi, Drama - A desperate wife resorts to extreme measures to ensure her husband gets the lifesaving operation he needs.  - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Anthony,

Boy, you sure turn these out. One good idea after another.

The premise for this one is first rate. I was riveted to the "procedure" as it was happening.

Things to think about:
1. When a person's appendix needs to come out, the pain beforehand is ACUTE. George didn't seem to be in any pain at all.
2. Could you do without the beginning section? Start in the kitchen?
3. George's comment at the end: Is  it too comical for what we've (audience) just been through? Might work on the screen as comic relief, though. Not sure.

Henry

Anthony,

I have to say that was a good one. It definitely grabbed your attention and held it. Aside from Henry's comments, I would add that I wonder why Amber isn't visibly shaking due to nerves-- she is about to cut open her husband.

I probably would have ended with the question:
"Hey, how we gonna do my vasectomy now?" Gallstones are soooo humdrum. You say "vasetomy" and every male will have sympathy pains.

Anyway, an enjoyable script that would be easy to film. Keep them coming.

Ian

Hi Henry/Ian, thanks for the reads and comments, really appreciated.

Henry
Re the pain, I had him wincing when swapping the bulbs but I think you are right, I'll amp that up some more.
Beginning, wanted to show the getting of the bootleg and the flying cop car, just to show the futuristic part.
Agree re ending, but currently drwing a blank for something else.

Ian
Good point re the nerves, will add in some additional elements.
Vasectomy... I actually started with that as the main procedure, wrote a couple of pages, but felt too comic given the tone I was going for.

Glad you both liked in the main though, glad I manged to get the prodecure to work well for you both.

Thanks

Anthony

Quoted from AnthonyCawood Re the pain, I had him wincing when swapping the bulbs but I think you are right, I'll amp that up some more.

It's been a long, long time since it happened to me, but the pain was terrible.

Quoted from AnthonyCawood Beginning, wanted to show the getting of the bootleg and the flying cop car, just to show the futuristic part.

Ah...I see. I 'd say make it a bit clearer, BUT -- it'll be clear on the screen.

[/quote]

Thanks Henry - and thanks for the comment re the ideas too, had just finished 1st draft of a feature and had a bit of creative energy left ;-)

Anthony

Kept me riveted too...I did not get that it was futuristic by the mere mention the cop car "glided" by. The opening scene was a bit confusing in that "Tall guy" was later changed to George..Good read though, suspenseful and required a bit of medical knowledge...nice job

Thanks for reading and the comments Rick, appreciated.

I originally had 'flew', will revert to that to ensure it's clear.

Tall Guy, was just trying to keep it enigmatic at the start, may yet change this too,

Many thanks

Anthony

I was a bit lost at first from the tall figure and little figure, but reading further I realized it must've been George.

Top of page 2 - "taller than’s decent"

- Final Fantasy 15
- Gears of War 12
- GTA 11

In all honesty, I wouldn't be surprised if they games do actually come out.

I enjoyed this, first time surgeon with a buggy guide makes this risky procedure amusing, I was expecting some sort of "catch" at the end, maybe a step that the machine skipped or maybe he was going to wake up to find himself cut open, machine malfunctioning, and his wife going crazy, but it was good.



  

Hey Lightfoot, thanks for the read and comments really appreciated.

I'll try and change the intro a little to make it a bit clearer.

Re the games, agree ;-)

Ending, yes I think it needs some work too, waiting for the muse to strike.

Cheers

Anthony  

Antony,

Another well written entertaining piece from you.

The beginning is a bit vague. Are the two cloaked figures the husband and wife? All these scenes seem to be there for is to let us know this is a sci-fi setting. I think you could just start in the kitchen and still convey that.

The amateur surgery using the VR helmet is really what makes this short stand out. It adds tension as well as comedy and I think it was a great choice to make the VR helmet's AI a bit flaky.

You did your research and sold the operation on me. Although I'm not qualified at all in this area it seemed very believable to me.

The ending fell a bit flat though. If he did need two operations she could have carried on while he was open to do that. He would need to recover from this operation before having another.  Alternative ideas:

-He wakes up to find out she's taken out the wrong organ. (Comedy)
-She's killed him. As she's sobbing we cut to the VR helmet. It offers the opportunity to re-try from a saved place. (Tragic)
-We cut to them later eating his cooked appendix, he makes a joke about it tasting better raw (Just Plain Weird)

Mark

Hey Mark thanks for the read and the notes, really appreciated.

A few people have commented on the opening sequence, which is meant to be a clandestine meeting where he buys the dodgy software... it's clearly too vague/subtle, will look to revise.

Thank you re the AR/VR, that was my 'what if' for this short, and the operation was research a little and isn't too far away from reality and great that the tension is coming over.

The ending for this one is definitely it's weak spot at the moment, thanks for the alternative suggestions... I may well mash them together!

Cheers

Anthony  

Hi Anthony,

Always like to read your work.

You created great tension during the operation. Edge of the seat stuff...really well handled.

That scene is so good it feels like it belongs in a bigger script, one where it plays a bigger role, in a bigger story.


Like Forrest Gump....that's all I have to say about that.

Hey Scar thanks for taking a read, appreciated as always,

Fantastic that the operation scene worked so well for you, great to get such universally positive feedback on it.

Part of a larger script, hmm, hadn't thought of that... possible... have to expand Graft first ;-)

Cheers

Anthony

Enjoyed the read - well done.

On the real picky side - I kept stumbling over this description:

Code GEORGE, late 20s, super thin and taller than’s decent, steps

I would just go with very tall or taller than average. Maybe it's just me.

Yo have already received some comments on the opening - I concur with them. I would rather have the wife and husband together agonizing over whether they ought to buy the thing or not.

Overall - compelling stuff here. I think it has a great premise for a feature.

Thanks for the read eldave, appreciated.

I've changed the intro a little still starts in the alley, but I've taken out reverted to character names and expanded a little to make it clearer. I think if I remove this section then the dire straits they couple are in mey be too reliant on exposition in the house... we'll see if this works better for people.

Description, I've been willfully trying to make the descrips different of late, 'taller than average' seems too normal... but will have another look.

Glad the script and premise worked for you though.

Anthony

Yep - the premise is golden

This was pretty cool.
I got a little confused at the beginning. Who is Small figure? Is that Weasel? I think the suspense was done well though.
I loved Amber's scene with the AVR. Ah i could feel her frustration!

Hi Debbie, thanks for taking a look appreciated.

Glad you liked it overall, and think I've tidied up the beginning,

Cheers

Anthony

Anthony

“Gears of War 12”

- Ha, clever indicator to show approximately how far we are into the future.

AMBER
Open... I guess.

- I hope this isn’t a decision which will impact later because surely she would’ve done some degree of research beforehand or there would be a way of looking it up considering the complex gadgetry at her disposal.

AMBER
Layers, shit, how many?

- I know we’re in a futuristic world here where technology is doing more and more of the heavy lifting but she is grossly underprepared for this delicate and literally life threatening undertaking. What’s up with that? Do your homework, woman! This is your partner godammit! ;)

I do love the concept of the assisted virtual reality helmet though which effectively allows anybody become a surgeon, cool idea.

AVR
This is the Appendix, please locate
it for removal.

- Ok, this is one faulty machine. I see where the script’s title comes from now. Made in China, yes? ;)

“Ichor”

- Kudos for dropping this term in.

AMBER
Is that stitching?

- Holy sh?t, she is performing an operation and doesn’t know this? Poor George is indeed in big trouble…

I enjoyed a lot of things about this. The mysterious opening scene in the alley, the broken, decaying city and the enigmatic set up of George changing the bulbs. It poses a few questions and gets us engaged, good job with that.

First I thought it was going to be a homemade abortion. When George lays on the table, I figured (with crossed legs) that we were going to witness a homemade vasectomy…Then you introduce the virtual reality helmet and the true nature of matters are revealed.

I was still contorting and wincing throughout the whole process which was offset and diffused (your intention I imagine) somewhat by the defective helmet and Amber’s growing exasperation with it. I thought it was almost too jokey and pushing for laughs at times, particularly with Amber’s sarcastic responses since we are essentially in the middle of a very serious situation. Again, this is her partner and these extreme measures are borne out of necessity and poverty but the tone became increasingly lighter as it went on.

The glitch(y) machine had both the effect of eliciting chuckles as well as making me feel all the more uncomfortable because any second it could lead Amber to make one irreversibly wrong incision or snip. It straddled that fine line between nervous comedy and eminent horror which was a product of the scenario you created. Either way, I enjoyed it, an odd but engaging and singular scene.

However, (and there’s always a but, right ;)) I felt the ending was a big letdown. The punchline didn’t do anything for me. Again, this might be to do with me struggling to reconcile with the serious/comical tonal pitch shifts. For all the bizarre stops and starts Amber goes through with the bug ridden machine and  her own lack of anatomical knowhow, it essentially amounted to nothing because we are left with the impression that George has emerged unscathed. Thus, it all felt rather inconsequential.

On top of that, after the botched procedure, I just find it hard to believe that there wouldn’t be some repercussions, some side effect of Amber fooling around with George’s intestines like that. Even if it was something ridiculous done for a laugh; like his voice is really squeaky now, or urine is coming out of his asshole, farts through his mouth, etc. You know, something bizarre which doesn’t let Amber off scot free.

As it’s written, it almost comes off as a warning against over reliance on technology, especially those new fangled gimmicky gadgets that come and go, a reminder that surgeons spend many years in training for a reason, a “don’t try this at home” PSA. Yes, I’m being facetious here and perhaps you were just doing it for kicks because there isn’t really much else to take away from this…and of course not every script needs to have a point or a message.

Anyway, I do appreciate the inspired central concept here. I just wish there was a more fully realized story around it.

Col.

Hey Col - thanks as always for the awesome notes, truly appreciated...

If memory serves you tend to downlad the scripts and read later? The ending on the currently uploded version has therefor changed and is hopefully better now, was certainly an issue to start with as I got there and ran out of steam a little.

I considered both the other procedures you mentioned, nearly went with vasectomy but decided they were both a little cliche.

And yes she's definitely under prepared, they've assume that they'll just be able to laod the Doctors training program into the AVR and all will be fine, so her concerns and the bits she doesn;t now are I guess meant to be the escalation of her being out of her depth.

In terms of message/theme, there's a little about reliance in technology - there usually is in my scripts, but also meant to be about desperation and poverty driving extreme actions. Of course there's also a large slice of 'just because', in this case because I thought the central idea of the AVR and the op were pretty strong and would work visually.

I also really wanted to see if I could write an operation that was compelling and believable.

Thanks again for the read and comments. if you get chance have a look at the revised ending, love to know if you think it works better.

Anthony

Quoted from AnthonyCawood If memory serves you tend to downlad the scripts and read later?

- True, this had been on my computer for awhile.

Quoted from AnthonyCawood if you get chance have a look at the revised ending, love to know if you think it works better.

- Ha, I like the change, works much better in my opinion.

I wonder could have the AVR go into death rattles and die right after its "That is a duodenum" line. That way, Amber won't be able to perform any more procedures with it, like, say, duodenum reattachment surgery ;) It would give the punchline greater impact I think.

Maybe end with her trying desperately to shake the machine back to life. Just a suggestion.

Thanks for the additional thoughts Col and glad the ending works better now.

Like the ideas re the death rattle and trying to shake it back to life, I'll include in a future version.

Cheers

Anthony

Glitch now optioned by a producer in LA.

Fingers crossed!

Great to hear, Anthony. Keep us in the loop.

This is one more example that keeps the rest of us hopeful and inspired. This also shows that any of us can do it with perseverance and hard work.

Best of luck.

Ian

Thanks Ian and will do... now for the long wait to see if it ultimately gets made ;-)

Hey Anthony,
Congrats on this getting optioned.  You deserve it bud.  This was a really fun story to read.

Dan

Quoted from AnthonyCawood now for the long wait to see if it ultimately gets made ;-)

Well done and good luck.

Best of luck with this Anthony, its good work.

Thanks Dustin/Col

After the disappointment of the Option lapsing on this one I've just found out it has made it into the semi finals of the Nashville Film Festival script comp in Best Short Thriller/Horror category ;-)

https://nashvillefilmfestival.org/2016-accepted-films/

Congrats Anthony!  i just read it, and I liked it.  I couldn't help but hear the sound of Hal 9000 from 2001: A Space Odyssey as the voice for the AVR.

Hey Anthony, thought I would check out the competition  :D

I have to say I'm glad I don't have to do that. Not sure if any others have mentioned it but it kind of reminded me of the eye ball swap in Minority report, for some reason.

Being critical I'm not sure how much the first scene added. I'm not sure what he got from it, was it the light bulbs?

Re the story, we know something is going to go wrong, so that's  no surprise, the question is what and why? In a reality sense I doubt she would have to learn on the go, just like that, they would have practiced, or rehearsed, or checked it out before hand. Perhaps this could play into the scripts hands that what they rehearsed didn't work out. Or that they can only take the system so far without it going ahead etc

Anyway, all the best with this.

Hey Bill... fortunately we're not is same category, so only competing for the overall Short prize, I hope we both win in our categories!

First scene, he buys the medical procedure cartridge for the VR helmet and it's also there to give a visual of the disintegrated society/dystopian future.

In terms of learning on the go... acute appendicitis can go from first symptoms to burst appendix in 48 hours... hence their urgency and the need to take such extreme measures. And of course it would be nowhere near as much 'fun' if they practiced ;-)

Fingers crossed for us both on Monday!

  

Hey Antony,

Sorry, I didn't really mean to come across as competitive. I love the fact we are both in there, and if we do compete, we have both won - that would be cool. :D

I feel such an emotion for those who dwell here. We may fight, disagree, but we are a community. Well, that's what I feel.

I did a funny thing tonight, which I haven't done since I was in another final, page or some thing like that. I started to look up the other writers. Have you ever done that?

It sounds weird but you know what jumps out at me...

...holly fuck these lot are highly qualified. And I'm not. I don't even know how to explain how below this lot I am. I feel like the univited guest. The skank in the corner.

I mean, serously, tonight it didnt take long to get to Harvard writing groups, several with masters in writing, directors of opera houses...sweet god. And there am I'm I.

I Failed english at o level, bet that's not not their CV. :o

Don't get me wrong, I love all this. I feel a touch, of the rebel, the party crasher. Care of the university of simply scripts, so eff you.

I must grow up one day.

But I'm always grateful for SS.

Cheers don.

Enjoyable confessional type post, Reef.  :D

Reminds me of 'youth/education is wasted on the young'.

Just want to add, I think creative writing, is a great leveler - your 'o' or 'a' levels don't mean a thing, (or not much, anyway) or whether you're university educated etc. etc. Plenty of successful writers were never formally educated. Plenty of academically brilliant people can't string two words together to result in anything truly meaningful prose wise either. I have a friend with a journalism degree and she's forever calling on me to correct/inject life into her stuff - and I dropped out at the half way point to pursue other things.

If you can grab a reader and submerge them in your fictional world, make them feel something with your story, that's all that matters. Qualifications, even though they can be highly intimidating,  :o mean zilch imh.

One more thing: be wary of only seeking validation through screenwriting comps. I know it's exciting when we make the cut etc., but I've come to realize, once you reach a certain level of writer know-how (i.e., you know you can write/spin a story quite well) opinions can be so subjective.

If you don't place at all, doesn't mean your work's no good. In fact I think the rejection letters/non placings can often result in that much needed non-complacency and fire in the belly - always searching to write better, technically and story wise.

Anyway, that's enough of my rant...
You kinda started it though.  ;D

P.S. Apologies Anthony, for the tangent taking on your thread.

'Please One more thing: be wary of only seeking validation through screenwriting comps. I know it's exciting when we make the cut etc., but I've come to realize, once you reach a certain level of writer know-how (i.e., you know you can write/spin a story quite well) opinions can be [i]so subjective. '

Yeah, Libby, it's true. I love that stuff.  competitions etc, it hurts,  but I like taking part. And it's probably made me better writer.

But You know what, I really miss movie poet. I won't over do it but there was so much good in that world. How to tell story In five pages. Nothing more. It really crafted a skill. Just look at Mr Z  - What a writer.

Let's hope this place carries on.

Love the post Bill and I did look up the other writers in one of the first comps I entered a couple of years ago... my observations were very similar - holy shit, what do I know!

But, turns out coming up with good ideas, telling a compelling narrative, engaging a reader... they're hard commodities to acquire just through A levels, degrees etc.

So I stopped looking, and stopped caring about who the opposition is, the only thing I can control is my script... and with the help of the great members of SS I've got steadily better at those.

Still got a long way to go, but loving the journey.

Hey Anthony,

This was my favorite of yours thus far. Your last two I felt had interesting concepts but that the payoffs weren't strong enough. Here, the payoff worked for me, but honestly I feel like that's more to do with the strength of the concept itself. Definitely had me gripped and intrigued throughout.

Only two gripes here. One, the opening scene is a little too subtle with the whispering and all that. I suppose you wanted to keep the whole thing under wraps, but I honestly wasn't that intrigued until the operation started, and once it was over, I felt at a loss at some of the minutia you could've potentially spilled in the alley scene. Would've been fun for sure and peaked my interest for what was to come, or at least made me want to go back and reread the opening.

Secondly, I would've preferred a time lapse between the operation and George's awakening. No matter how blatantly fictional the operation procedure was, it would've been a good minute (colloquially, not literally) before he awoke and perhaps a little more before he was able to talk, naturally. If it's an issue of timing, you could still have the helmet blabbing in the background for a while before anyone notices. I mean, it's buggy after all.

Anyway, you've admittedly caught me a little tipsy and taking a break from House of Cards S4. Probably not the best time to read a script, but I've read scripts in similar circumstances (usually returning for a second read sober). In any case, it's rare that something will peak my interest as much as this generally but especially under said circumstances. Would take that as a credit to the script's quality.

Keep up the good work, man!

Hey James - many thanks for the read and the comments, appreciated!

Really glad you liked it!

Good luck in the comp.

Congrats on making it into the semi finals, Anthony.
I saw this on the home page and decided to give it a read.
You had me on the edge of my seat waiting for what would happen next. Enjoyable and original idea.
Best of luck,
Cindy

Many thanks for the kind words Cindy, much appreciated!

Anthony,

Late to this one. Congrats on it's success. It deserves it. This was a really good short. This doesn't seem in keeping with your other work in terms if writing style. I notice some similarities, but this one is really visual and there's a certain flowing prose to it. I think it works very well here.

Great tension, high stakes. I had to look up duodenum. I didn't know what it was but I knew it couldn't be good. Yep. I was right. Congrats!

Steve

Hi Steven

Thanks for the read, appreciated as always... and think you are right, this one is a little different, grittier and more visually motivated. Glad it worked for you and delighted you now know about duodenums ;-)

Anthony

And Glitch has been upgraded to Finalist... down to final two!!!

https://nashvillefilmfestival.org/2016-accepted-films/

Congrats!

I read the script. Interesting. Comments seem bunk now so I'll leave it at that.

Final two. Impressive. Good luck. Seems to be going your way so far.

R

Well done Anthony, glad to see both of us in the finals.

Alas I have five others to fight it out with in my category - you chose a better category., clever boy  :K)

Flying the flag for SS!

Fingers crossed Bill ;-)

And we have a winner...

Glitch won in the Thriller/Horror short category!

Congratulations!!!  8)

Well done, mate.

Well done Anthony - good to see SS do well at these.

Cheers

Thanks Pia/Dustin/Bill

And congrats to Bill too, great result in the Drama category!

Glitch has been (re)optioned by Growl Productions in Scotland... fingers crossed it goes into production this time, I have high hopes after conversations with the director!

Congrats, Anthony!

Quoted from AnthonyCawood Glitch has been (re)optioned by Growl Productions in Scotland... fingers crossed it goes into production this time, I have high hopes after conversations with the director!

Awesome news! Can't wait to see it.

Fantastic - looking forward to watching it

Glitch, is being made by a filmmaker based in Edinburgh and will hopefully shoot in September.

He's currently crowd-funding to pay for the special effects required in the film, so if anyone is interested the campaign can be found here - https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/glitch-short-film--2#/

Will let the community know when Glitch is available to view!

New teaser trailer up for Glitch

https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/glitch-short-film--2#/

Looks real solid.

Supported.  Good luck with it.  :)

Just came across this, and absolutely LOVED it. Extremely well written and fast paced and kept my full attention from beginning to end. I absolutely loved the exchange between Amber and the AVR. Vivid descriptions, excellent dialogue. Congrats on getting this filmed by the way, I wish you the best with it. You are extremely talented. Look forward to seeing/reading more from you!

Dave - many thanks.
Tyler - really pleased you liked it, glad it worked so well for you, i've plenty of other shorts on the site too.

Pia - many thanks for you generousity, it's truly appreciated!

I believe we should support each other whenever possible. We're all in the same boat.  :)

Just an update on Glitch, the filmed version of this is now being entered into festivals and it has just been accepted into the Nashville Film Festival... which is where it won best screenplay a couple of years ago!

Congrats Anthony, that's great news. Look forward to seeing it.

That's really cool that it won best screenplay there too! Big congratulations!  8)