Time to Grow Up by Brandon Batista - Short, Sci Fi - After taking time for granted, Ryan faces an otherworldly consequence.   15 pages - pdf, format 8)

Brandon,

time and tide wait for no man.  All comments come with a 'use by' date.  Use as you will.

This is a simple tale that manages to fill 14 pages.  I think it's far too long.  You take 6 pages for the setup, something that should be done far more quickly.  Your intent is to show Ryan as down and out and feelign sorry for himself.  Get to it.  The scenes you use, phone call, phone call, bar, etc.  take up precious screen time.  Cut them in half at least.  Easily done if Ryan doesn't answer his phone. Checks caller ID and takes a message.  

while I like Father Time, I think he should be shorter snappier.  Quick and easy.  

Ryan gets out of his predicament far too easily.  All he has to do is pour out a bottle, do some cleanup, toss some mementos?  That's hardly payment for the problem he's caused.  Can you make the solution more difficult for him?  Just a thought.

Your dialogue is wordy and too direct.  If Ryan and Bryce are such good friends, then let them use shorthand in their dialogue.  They don't speak in full sentences.  They talk in phrases and words.  Mom talks around the topic, as good mothers do.  

Your writing could use some editing.  'is sitting' should probably be 'sits', 'appears to be staring' becomes 'stares', 'glances over' becomes 'glances', 'drops down' becomes 'drop'.  Try to do away with two-word actions.  Find the one right word that expresses your thought.  

Best
Richard

Hey,

This wasn't bad. It reminded of a film I seen a few years back (the time freezing part). Honestly, it kept me reading till the end. I could definitely relate to the character. Only thing that bugged me was the picture he put in the box. It didn't seem like he was over it, just doing it to get things back to normal. But, I could be wrong.  If he was over it, that was a little quick and easy for a six month rough patch. Overall, definitely a smooth read with a good message. I liked it. Keep it up.