Driving Over the Redline by Chris Armisen - Action, Adventure - A stage magician is forced to sign for murder of a crowd participant when their criminal date forces a confession in exchange for safety of the stage magician's daughter, leaving little time to free him before his execution. - pdf, format 8)

I have to say I've read the logline a few times now and don't understand it. What do you mean by 'sign for murder'? And when you say 'free him', do you mean 'her' - the daughter?

Sorry to fuss over that before even reading it, but I'm sure many people will choose whether to read it or not on the strength of this short description. It needs to be simple, clear and informative. I think this could be clearer.

Quoted from Anon I have to say I've read the logline a few times now and don't understand it. What do you mean by 'sign for murder'? And when you say 'free him', do you mean 'her' - the daughter? Sorry to fuss over that before even reading it, but I'm sure many people will choose whether to read it or not on the strength of this short description. It needs to be simple, clear and informative. I think this could be clearer.

I have to agree 100%.  Absolutely no clue what that 1, single "sentence" is supposed to mean.  Using "stage magician" twice is just redonkulous.

Sorry, but if you can't write a single sentence, how can anyone trust you to write an entire script?

I read the logline and have to agree with what has been said already, so I read the script, or what you have of it anyways, thinking that it might shed some light on the confusing logline, it didn't. Just made it worse.

"....exchange for safety of the stage magician's daughter"

Who and where is she in this? There is only a brief mention of some girl that they got in the start, from then on there is nothing,

There are only 9 scenes but it's hard to get past the first scene.


EXT. PARK INFRONT OF MAGIC SHOP

You can probably just say EXT. PARK then describe the location,  tell us of the Magic Shop, what it looks like.

The big chunk of action you have needs to be split up and written much for fluently than it is now, it's seems like you were in a rush and just point formed this, the entire script is written this way actually.

"Onlookers that are watching from the grass watch the car leave with a nod, then head towards the magic shop at the other end of the park."

What do you mean by them watching the car leave with a nod?

Here is a better way to write this first scene....

EXT. PARK - DAY

A stone pathway with a checkerboard pattern of black and white snakes its way through a park littered with the red and golden leaves of autumn. It leads up to a deep purple coloured building with two life-like statues of magicians excitedly pointing towards the front doors with large black top hats.

The park is filled with SCREAMS and LAUGHS as children happily play amongst the playground equipment. Bands of watchful parents stand nearby.

Leaning up against the white bricked walls of the washroom facility is GRETCH, dressed in a thick black trench coat, his cold gray eyes scan the park, searching.

His attention falls upon a small blond haired little girl walking down the pathway in between her parents. He only gets a moment to look at her face before she walks past.

Hesitantly, he walks after them and is immediately  confronted by a man, JACK, wearing a baby carrier containing a doll wrapped in a small blanket.

                                          Jack
                               Found her?

                                          Gretch
                               Not sure, couldn't get a
                               good look.

Jack grunts, frustrated.

                                           Jack
                              Let's get the fuck out of here then,
                              there's a fat ass security guard eying
                              me up!

Jack peaks over his shoulder and sees the overweight SECURITY GUARD far behind following them, he stares right into the eyes of Jack.

                                           Jack
                              He's on our tail!

Up ahead the family rounds a corner disappearing from sight behind a short cement wall. Gretch gives up the chase.

                                          Gretch
                              Alright, call it in.

Jack digs in his pocket and retrieves a cell phone, he clicks redial and puts the phone to his ear.

                                           Jack
                                     (into phone)
                             Get the car out front now!

He shoves the phone back in his pocket and looks back again. The security guard is still looking over at him but pace has quickened.

The pair reach the corner as a small four door car comes to a squealing stop. Jack flings open the door and jumps in.

Gretch get halfway in then spots the family stopped at a drinking fountain. The little girl's face is tilted away from Gretch's view.

                                           Jack
                            Come on get the fuck in!

                                           Gretch
                            One second..

IN CAR

Jack watches as his partner moves towards the family.

                                            Jack
                            Come on man!

He squirms his way back out of the car and removes a nine millimeter handgun from the baby carrier. He rushes after Gretch.



This isn't a very long script at all but the writing makes it seem huge, you have big chunks of action written the same way as the first, in point form and completely lacking drama. Most of this script  is very confusing to read for example...


"MERRICK looks up and down the street for a car to drive. He notices masked thugs in a van and a sports car. He watches them from the street, looking for a chance to steal the car."

What car? Why can't you just have him drive his own car? Why would he have to steal one, the only car he can really take is full of thugs. Is he trying to steal their car?

From here it cuts to a husband and wife scene, who are they?

Good thing you didn't write an entire script, cause you are going to have to start over again on this, begin with introducing us to your main characters, which I imagine will be the magician and his daughter. Let us learn and care about them before these thugs/men show up.

and of course your logline, make it clearer, something along the lines of....

A stage magician must murder a participant from the audience in order to save his daughter.

Good luck.

Hello, Chris!
I just finished reading your script, and I have to echo the sentiments of those who posted before me.  

It seems like you have an interesting idea for a short, but I had a real hard time following just what was going on.  

Each paragraph was an endless series of run-on sentences, each sentence covering in passing what should have been individually highlighted images.  

If there's one piece of feedback i could give, it's that a screenplay has to be told in pictures.  If you made each of the actions in each scene its own image with its own line of description, it would be easier to follow.

Example:
          MERRICK looks up and down the street for a car to drive. He
          notices masked thugs in a van and a sports car. He watches
          them from the street, looking for a chance to steal the car.

Merrick looks up and down the street for a car to drive.
Down the road, he sees two masked thugs waiting in an unmarked van.
Across from the van sits an unoccupied sports car.
Merrick watches the thugs from a distance, waiting for an opportunity to steal the sports car.

This was just thrown together of course, but it's generally clearer as to what's going on.

Keep writing, and best wishes!

Interesting title, agree about the logline. On title alone, I'm curious. Referencing the above posts however, I'll pass.

Tony

I took a quick look at this. This is probably one of the most confusing pieces of writing I've ever read. It needs a rewrite. Your action blocks are huge, you need to break it up and really sort out what you are trying to show the audience because it is so confusing.  One piece of your dialogue sums it up perfectly:

                                MAN #1
                    This is our new puppet. Only you
                    can cut her strings. The scissors
                    are a job and a sentence. More
                    powerful than a word and in silence
                    until the end. That, or she gets
                    left to go to prison. Try to free
                    her, and you won't see her again.
                    Either way...

The scissors are a job and a sentence...More powerful than a word and in silence until the end. What on earth is that supposed to mean? I'm not trying to be a dick but I honestly have no idea what he is trying to say here.

I'm sure everything will become much clearer with a rewrite.

Best of Luck,

Lono