ALERT: SPOILERS AHEAD
It's a neat idea. Tying the story to The Wizard of Oz has plenty of potential for fun. The problem is you didn't really exploit that potential. It was like making a promise to the audience, and then not keeping it.
Everyone has seen The Wizard of Oz at least 3 times. We all know the story. So the first thing we're going to want do is to match the characters in your story with the ones in WOZ. Obviously Sunny is Dorothy. Billy Ray was clearly the Tin Man. They are the only two who cross over between both worlds (unless you consider the likeness between the landlady and Willie's mom, but I'll get to that later). In fact, Billy Ray provides the vehicle (literally) to cross them over, which is nice. But I wanted more parallels between both worlds.
I was thinking Willie was going to be the Lion, but then we get Andy and the broom. But Andy would have made a better wizard anyway. Or was Willie the Scarecrow because he didn't think for himself? But Willie's triumph was standing up to his mother, which is courage, not intelligence. Arrrggghhhh!
Let's talk about your bad guys, because every story needs conflict in order to drive it. The first bad guy we meet is the landlady (parallel to wicked witch). The rent check has bounced - twice! Sure, it's Bobby's fault (the main bad guy), but Sunny just let's him treat her like a doormat (which we need for her character arc) and doesn't force him to manage his money. So I can actually empathize with your wicked witch (the Needles one anyway) when she's frustrated with Sunny. That's not good.
The only bad guy in Liberal is Willie's mom, but she doesn't show up until really late in the story. Sure, she's talked about, but one thing I would suggest (if you keep her at all, which you probably shouldn't) is her running into Sunny/dog just as Sunny is arriving and she's on her way out of town. They get in a confrontation, so that it hangs over the story, knowing she's coming back. Because otherwise you have almost no conflict in Liberal, except for some bogus conflict between Sunny and Willie. Sunny diffusing that conflict by suggesting to Willie that Dena broke his heart is simply not true. It really was his cowing to his mother that ended that relationship - he broke Dena's heart.
Here's where I think you can play it a little fast and loose with WOZ. Have a parallel bad guy to Bobby in Liberal (a wicked warlock if you will) who treats Sunny like a doormat. With the help of her new-found friends, she learns to stand up to him. Now, when she gets back to Needles, her character arc is completely believable.
Oh, and how is it she thought he dog was going to get out of the bungalow during the 2nd tornado warning?
Leading up the the resolution, Edie tells Sunny she hit three progressive jackpots in a month. Now we're talking fantasy! Problem solved.
Finally, some of your descriptions are a bit novelistic and against screenplay convention. Some examples:
Quoted Text She’s hit the nail on the head, but he won’t admit it. |
Quoted Text She obviously has something devious in store. |
Quoted Text She’s obviously worried about her. |
I'm sorry I haven't been more encouraging up until this point. You've got a lot of work to do to fix your screenplay, but the good news is that it's worth fixing. It's a really neat idea which, if explored properly, would pay off big with an audience.